Things I have questions about

Three things I saw today that I still have questions about:

  1. This car –

2. What I saw when I just walked into my office:


I dunno, y’all. He’s orange.

And 3. This ad that was just suggested to me:

Because first of all, what. Secondly…WHY IS THIS PAJAMAS? I’m almost tempted to buy it because I sort of love the idea of surprising Victor when he unexpectedly finds me laying in bed wearing this, but I’m worried that he’d leave me. Not like, divorce me, but just physically leave the room to sleep on the couch and then I’d be trapped because I’m pretty sure once I’m laying down in full creepy book mascot form I won’t be able to stand back up again without help. Also, $400 seems like too much to spend on pajamas, although it would probably muffle my snoring and also I could put a flashlight inside and then pull my arms in to read in bed without bothering anyone. So technically this would be like a present for Victor AND TOMORROW IS HIS BIRTHDAY.

Hmm…yeah. Gotta go think about this one some more.

Don’t try to be cool. You’re making it worse.

The other day I was helping Hailey bring their laundry up to their dorm and on the way out I saw another mom with her kid and she was like, “Wow, this place is really bussy on the weekend, huh?” and her son stopped in his tracks and whispered, “Oh my God, mom. What??” and she was like, “It’s bussy. That’s what the kids say, right? Bussy. Poppin’ off? No caps?” and her son was like, “Jesus Christ, mom. It’s BUSSIN’...not…Jesus Christ. I love you but please stay off of tiktok.”

Anyway, it’s nice to know that even when they leave home we can still accidentally mortify them just as much as ever. No cap.

PS. The definition of “bussy” in case you need it.

It’s Friday. Time for a ridiculous video break.

It’s Friday and that means it’s time for you to step into my office so I can show you all the videos I’ve saved for you. Ready? Pull up a chair, friend…

Happy weekend, y’all.

Honestly, the most relatable Jesus I’ve ever seen.

I found this painting at a resell shop and I didn’t buy it because it seems sacrilegious to buy a Jesus painting if you’re not really religious but also, I love it so much. There’s just something about Jesus doing the exasperated face-palm sigh like, “Jesus Christ, these fucking people” that makes me go, “Wait, am I religious? Because I 100% feel this, sir. RELATABLE CONTENT.”

This image is now my go-to response when hateful people on the internet say things so ridiculous that I can’t express how dumb they are in words. This is why art exists.

PS. Speaking of art, I’m overwhelmed and thrilled with how many of you already subscribed to my art substack and to thank you I’m sending out tiny sketches randomly every single month. Check your email. I super crazy love you.

I don’t know what I’m doing but I’m doing it. Please do it with me. (Not sexually.)

Wanna do something fun with me? 

Awesome, because I need help. 

Hailey has gone off to college and it’s left me feeling entirely unmoored.  My therapist says that I need to fill the time that I had spent as the mom of a high-schooler with something positive for myself that is therapeutic and rewarding and that all sounds very healthy but I’m not good at doing healthy without someone else saying, “Hey…are you still in bed watching every iteration of the 90 Day Fiancé universe while trying to finish Candy Crush, or are you doing that thing that brings you joy?”  And this is where you come in…because maybe you also need to rediscover yourself, or fill time, or focus on a positive project and we can work on this shit together.

I get asked a lot about when my next coloring book is coming out.  (Did you know I wrote a coloring book?  And it somehow became a NYT bestseller and then people started tattooing my doodles on them like some kind of fever dream?)  And I don’t really have an answer for you because somewhere along the way I stopped drawing.  Why?  Because I somehow manage to convince myself that if I’m doing something I love it must be a waste of time.    That’s fucked up.  And it’s something I need to change, so starting today I’m making a community place where I’m going to create and share a new piece of art each week for a year, along with random musings about what is inspiring me and keeping me going.

I’m doing it on substack which you either know very well or not at all, so here’s a small primer.  Substack is a website where tons of authors, artists, scientists, etc. share what they’re doing.  If you subscribe to the person’s substack you get emails from them when they post or you can just go to their substack page to read and see what they’re working on.  If you subscribe to my substack you’ll get a new drawing from me every week that you can download and color or post on your wall or send to a friend or use to burn down an effigy of your ex.  

You’ll also be joining my one-year-of-art project team, which means you can leave comments and share links to what you’re working on that week…whether it’s journaling, or cross-stitch, or poetry, or tufting rugs in the shapes of vulvas.  NO JUDGEMENT.

If you want in it’s $6 a month (or $60 a year) to get everything (a new drawing every week, weird musings, community love). I also know that sometimes even $6 a month can be too much so one post every month will be free to everyone, so feel free to subscribe for free.  There’s also a “founding member” subscription which is just a regular subscription but more expensive (I don’t know…it’s a default when you start a substack page?) and if anyone wants that I’ll be giving out original small sketches in random giveaways to founders because it feels weird not to and also because after 52 weeks of drawings I suspect I will be running out of room to store them.

Also, if you’ve been interested in starting a substack yourself you can follow along and watch me fuck it all up because I literally do not know what I’m doing and you can learn with me.  For an example of a substack done right, you can check out two that I subscribe to:  Bad Astronomy and Subversive Cross stich.  (If you want to check out their pages without subscribing just click “no thanks”.)

In the end there may only be five of us working together on this year-long project but there’s something to be said for knowing that five people have your back and want to create beauty/kitsch/horror/ridiculousness together.

Ready?  ART TEAM ACTIVATE. Pretty please subscribe by clicking here to get your weekly post. Also, I promise never to spam you or use your email for anything but this. Unless it’s to send you random otter pictures. Everyone needs random otter pictures.

PS. The first post is just this post and of course, it’s free for everyone. I’m going to publish my first paid post in the next hour so can you tell me if it works? If it works you’ll get an email taking you to the post. If it doesn’t work you will be able to hear me launching my computer out of the window.

Questioning my sanity more than usual.

I was just listening to the I Saw What You Did podcast (love them) and they were talking about how much they hate the tight tuck at the bottom of hotel beds and then Victor was like, “EXACTLY” because he also hates when I tuck in the top sheet under the mattress and I always assumed it was just Victor being weird but now I’m wondering if I’m the only person who needs the top sheet very tightly tucked in like a straight jacket for my feet in order to go to sleep? In fact, in a perfect world someone would staple the sheets around my whole body after I get into bed, like I’m sleeping in shirt pocket of the Jolly Green Giant, because then I don’t have to worry about floating into the ceiling fan at midnight or being pawed by the thing that lives under my bed and as I’m writing this I’m starting to realize that, you know what, maybe I’m the one with the problem.

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