You Searched For: Zombie drill conference

And then I staged a live zombie apocalypse in Utah

Last week I was invited by some bad-ass Mormons to do an IGNITE speech in Utah about “whatever it is I’m passionate about”. I did it, in spite of the fact that I was terrified and was on a brand new anxiety drug that made it feel like the whole world was in slow motion. And it was fine, except for the fact that half of the people in the audience were murdered during my speech:

I apologize to those people.

PS. You can’t actually see the mayhem caused by the zombie apocalypse in the video but I can say it surpassed my wildest expectations, and I will never forget the sight of a quiet grandmother running after screaming strangers, as a demure girl in a dress stood on her chair to violently simulate firing a grenade launcher.  These are the moments you cherish, people.

Photo by @JustinHackworth

Where the hell am I?

Tomorrow I leave to visit Utah for the first time, as I was asked by several Mormons to be an Ignite speaker about “anything that you’re passionate about.  Your choice.”  Most people are already cringing at the terrible repercussions of letting me speak about anything I want, but when I told them I wanted to have a live drill for the zombie apocalypse they were all, “Huh.  Rock on”.  Also, I sent them my power point presentation, which includes phrases like “Knock-knock, motherfucker”, and they didn’t even blink.  Because Mormons are awesome.  Unless you ask them to mix you a drink, which they will totally fuck up because they are terrible bartenders.  Anyway, my point is that I will be at Evo ’11 for most of this week and if you’re going to be there too (and are good at shuffling and moaning) you should let me know.

PS.  I’m also co-hosting the 5th annual People’s Party at Blogher this year.  As always, I will be hiding in the bathroom the entire time, as my anxiety disorder has never actually allowed me to attend any of the parties I’ve hosted.  This is not an exaggeration.  Also, I think I’m supposed to be writing a post about this but I’m way too irresponsible to do that.  I’d feel worse about that but it’s fairly obvious that I’m not responsible enough to be expected to follow the rules.

BlogHer 11 Parties

PPS.  The bad-ass Mormons hosting Evo ’11 are the same ones who were there when I was crowned Czar by the Mayor, and who were unfazed when I was attacked by a feral baby on stage.  They totally know what they’re getting into. Probably.  Either way, it should make for an interesting post when I get back.


So, it comes as a surprise to no one that I broke down and bought myself the giant panda suit. Except Victor.  It was a surprise to him.  Not a pleasant one.  Probably because he was upset I didn’t buy one for him too.  Or maybe it was because he wasn’t expecting an enormous panda to leap out at him, snarling furiously in the middle of his morning conference call.


But this is the kind of thing you have to expect when you work from home.  Victor says having your wife run screaming into your office dressed as a giant panda at 9:00 in the morning is something no one should ever have expect and I pointed out that unexpected pandas are good practice for when you have a home invasion because if you aren’t rattled by spontaneous pandas then you’re probably going to be able to keep your cool during the zombie apocalypse.  If anything, this was like a safety drill.  One that he failed.  We’ve agreed to disagree on this.

I wanted to give you pictures but Victor has pushed a bookshelf in front of his door so I had to take all of these myself with my computer camera.  I call these “Blogging with Dignity: The Spontaneous Panda Series”.

I changed this one to black and white so I'd look more Panda-ish. Also so that you couldn't tell that I arrange my books by color like a mental patient.

This is me trying to remember how to spell "poignant".

What’s weird is that if you darken and crop this I look a *lot* like the Virgin Mary when she’s very disappointed in you. So logically speaking, when it’s not darkened and cropped I look like the Virgin Mary in a panda suit. So now you know what that looks like.

Kind of spooky, really.

In this one I was trying to look all hard and threatening and gangsta-ish, like Eminem in 8 Mile but it kinda just looks like I have a tummy ache from eating too many babies. Which is what I assume pandas eat.

I think the moral of this story is that everyone should own a panda suit because they’re awesome and very warm.  Victor says the moral is that he’s calling a locksmith to install a deadbolt on his office door.  I think maybe Victor doesn’t understand what a “moral” is.

PS.  I’m still really disappointed that the flying squirrel costume was sold out but my friend Jon made me this as a consolation prize:

What might have been.

And now I’m sad again.  Also, I can’t stop singing the panda song.

It’s probably good that I work from home.