MY INSTAGRAMIn Texas it’s illegal to pick bluebonnets and almost illegal to not stop when you find an empty lot full of them.Victor: DON’T BUY ANYMORE CATNIP. YOU JUST MAKE A MESS. Me: what. You’re crazy. Me 3 secs later: DON’T COME IN HERE.I picked up my mail from the post office today and there are dozens and dozens of postcards and letters from people telling me that they know I’ve been struggling but that everything will be okay. So I’m crying in the parking lot of the post office and feeling like, yeah, I think it will. I am so lucky. Thank you for reminding me.
You Searched For: bigfoot
Remember last month when I was in Hollywood for some reason? Well, this was the reason. It’s a special gift just for you.
A few weeks ago I shared the book trailer that Penguin came up with for me. This week I’m sharing the book trailer I came up with for you guys. It’s insane and I can’t stop giggling at it.
Also, I want to lick every single person in this video because they are all terrific sports and are more awesome than enchiladas.
PS. You can order the book and check out tour dates by clicking here. Thanks so much to every single one of you for being so supportive and amazing over the last ten years of writing this book. I can’t believe it comes out in just a couple of weeks. Insane.
Barbara Walters came out with her list of the ten most fascinating people of 2011 and I feel really bad for her because I assume that she wrote that list as a joke and then accidentally published it. I don’t like to criticize, but if your list of the ten most fascinating people includes three Kardashians then you’re doing it wrong.
(The full list: Simon Cowell, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Eric Stonestreet, Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Katy Perry, Pippa Middleton and a shitload of Kardashians.)
I do adore two people on that list but even they can’t save this from being THE WORST DINNER PARTY EVER. And that’s why I’ve decided to make my own list of the most fascinating people in 2011, or as I like to call it “Who I’d Invite to the Most Interesting Dinner Party Ever (but then probably hide from in the bathroom because of my anxiety disorder.)”
You’re invited. Just take a look at who I’m starting the guest list out with and add anyone you’d like to bring to the party in the comment section. Let’s get started:
Queen Elizabeth (but only if she’s drunk)
My little sister (but only if she isn’t drunk)
Wil Wheaton with a half-pony/half-monkey that he made himself
The girl from Doodling in Math Class
Victor (because he’s going to be pissed if I have a party at our house and don’t invite him)
Okay, your turn. What fascinating person would you bring to the party?
Last week my friend Suebob pointed me toward an enormous taxidermied wolf on Etsy THAT YOU CAN WEAR.
It was made of awesome, and I was able to verify that the wolf died of old age/kidney failure so I could buy it with a clear conscience and PETA couldn’t throw blood at me when I wore it at formal events. I told Victor that I would name him “Wolf Blitzer” and that I would use him as a sleeping bag on cold airplanes (and also to menace anyone who took my arm-rest.) Victor pointed out that airport security gets uptight about snow globes and nail-clippers so they probably wouldn’t let me bring a wolf on a plane as carry-on, but I was already formulating a plan to make Wolf Blitzer my service-animal-companion since I have chronic panic attacks, and airplanes have to recognize disabilities. Like the disability of not being able to be relax on a cold plane without some xanax and a dead wolf snuggie named Wolf Blitzer. Victor started to argue with me but then he gave up because Wolf Blitzer was very expensive and he knew I couldn’t justify paying that much for a blanket with claws. And he was right. Which is why I immediately went on Kickstarter to submit an application for a fundraiser to help me pay for a dead wolf to wear on plane rides. I labeled it under “Performance Art” and promised to repay patrons by sharing photos of me wearing it to the Twilight opening.
Kickstarter responded almost immediately: “Thank you for taking the time to share your idea. Unfortunately, this isn’t the right fit for Kickstarter.” Because apparently Kickstarter doesn’t appreciate helping people with disabilities.
I was about to give up when I found out that the person I’d originally chosen to read my audiobook (James Earl Jones) was not responding to my emails and so instead I would have to read my own damn book, and I told my agent that I’d do it but only if I could be paid in dead wolf snuggies. Then there was an awkward pause and I explained that I’d wear it while recording my book, and that way Wolf Blitzer would be a tax deduction, and she said she needed to go. Probably because talking about tax law is super-boring.
When I explained to Zhon (the girl who made Wolf Blitzer) that I needed him quickly (because I was Team Jacob and needed him for opening weekend) she didn’t even pause to question me. Because she’s awesome. And also because she once made a life-size Tauntaun to wear, so she’s really not in any position to judge me.
me: I just bought Wolf Blitzer so that I can wear him to see Twilight-part-whatever, but you can’t yell at me because he didn’t cost anything.
Victor: How the hell did that happen?
me: I bartered for him in trade for narrating my own audiobook.
Victor: AND THIS IS WHY YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE FINANCIAL DECISIONS WITHOUT ME.
me: No way. That was a great financial decision. I feel all in touch with my 1/64th Native American heritage. I just bartered a story for a dead wolf head-dress. I’m like Pocahontas, but with an audiobook.
Victor: My head hurts.
Wolf Blitzer arrived. And he was MAGNIFICENT. But Victor refused to take me and my dead wolf to the movies because apparently he’s Team Edward. Luckily, my friends Maile and Laura were willing to come along for the ride. Laura dressed up as a member of the Volturi because we thought it would be funny to have some sort of West Side Story dance-fight at the theater. Maile hadn’t actually read the Twilight books and so I tried to convince her to wear my Bigfoot costume, and I told her that Bigfoot totally played a huge part in this movie. And then at the end I’d be like “I can’t believe they cut the Bigfoot part out! He was so integral to the book!” but Maile has known me for far too long to trust me and so instead she dressed up as a very cynical friend who doesn’t understand how fun it is to wear a Bigfoot costume to the movies.
We laughed. We cried. Maile saw some very conservative looking friends and casually introduced Laura and I without explaining at all why we were dressed as werewolves and Draculas. I took a picture with a very brave stranger who asked what my deal was. I told her I was here to see the Muppet Movie. She looked confused.
My work there was done.
You want pictures, don’t you? Fine. Here they are. Because Wolf Blitzer and I love you. Much more than Kickstarter does. Apparently.
Eventually they let us into the theater and we drank copiously. Laura and I rooted for our respective teams and Maile photographed the debacle. It’s sort of amazing that we weren’t kicked out of the theater.
And it was awesome, except for the part when all the werewolves started talking to each other WITH THEIR MINDS and then it got really stupid and I leaned over to Laura and Maile and whispered, “Okay. Right now, for the first time all night? I’m kind of embarrassed to be wearing a giant wolf suit.” And they nodded sympathetically, because that’s what good friends do.
Last week I had to write about heroin but I always spell it wrong so I looked up “heroine” (def: a female hero) and this is what Google gave me:
Awesome. I’m switching to Yahoo.
And in other news, I’m a day behind on my Shit-I-Did-This-Week post but I’m giving myself a pass because I spent much of yesterday looking for a giant bear for you. True story. On Saturday we were on the way to the movies (spoiler alert: Everyone in the new Harry Potter movie needs zoloft) when I saw an ENORMOUS dead animal on the side of the road and there were these girls tiptoing up to it and I was all “TURN AROUND! I JUST SAW A BEAR” and Victor was all “There are no bears in Central Texas” and I was like “YES. THAT’S WHY I’M YELLING SO LOUD” but he refused to turn around because we were running late and on the way home it was too dark so the next day I made him drive me all over the highway looking for it again and he was quite grumpy and insisted it was probably a dog but then we saw it and I was all “OMG, IT’S FUCKING BIGFOOT” but then we pulled up closer and it was like half Russian Wild Boar and half giant Wildebeest. I took a picture of it from the car with my phone and I’m not going to post it here just in case you don’t want to see a day-old animal because I’m considerate that way. But if you’re subscribed to my flickr feed you’re fucked. Also, it looks way smaller in the picture because I didn’t want to get out of the car to get near it in case it was a chupacabra wearing a dead boar suit as camouflage. Those bastards are totally tricky. Victor says I’m not allowed to direct our road trips anymore.
Wow. That was a really convoluted side-note. I apologize for that.
So here’s what you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
What you missed on Ill-Advised:
What you missed on the internets:
- A sneak peak at the Blogger Body Calendar
- The Traveling Red Dress was featured on StoryBleed.
- I’m pretty sure this is a compliment.