You Searched For: search terms

Search terms that make me question what’s going on in your life.

Every so often I look at the things people were searching for on the internet that brought them to this blog.  Then I shake my head at humanity.  Then I copy the least offensive but most baffling searches and share them here with you.  Because I’m a giver.  

What people were searching for on the internet this week that led them here:

  • “How to know I’m not in a coma”
  • “accidental lesbian”
  • “u didn’t have to hang up on me you shuld have told me u dont want me to call you poem”
  • “monkeys kissing people walk on the vagina”  (It feels like there should be a period here, but I’m not sure where.)
  • “Miss Johnson you’re amazing”
  • “I want to eat you down into the belly.”  (Wow.  English is not your first language, is it?  Because this is not a good pick-up line.)
  • “Our cat had 4 babies, now there’s 3. Did it eat baby?”
  • “Naked woman hula hooping”
  • “I don’t know what i just did.  I just peed on my favorite adult cats.”  
  • “Pictures of me naked”  (You’re not doing this internet thing right.)
  • “Tell them other bitches funny songs. I’m the one dumb as a 62 ounce slurpee drink”
  • “tentacle pregnancy egg”
  • “Hire people to beat someone up”
  • “hemorrhaging & puddle of blood”  (Why are you on the internet?  GO TO THE DOCTOR.)
  • “Had nervous breakdown/now my daughter is “taking care” of me/what do I do?”
  • “I just cut five inches off my hair. how do i get my hairs back?”  (Oh, honey.  Bless your stupid heart.)
  • “I will never go back to jail.”
  • “Jenny Lawson is a tall treat.”  (Aw, shucks.)
  • “dig dog up to see how he died”  (I’m guessing he died because you buried him?)
  • “crafty unicorn made out of real hair”
  • “Fuck off.  I’m fabulous.”
  • “Those chimpanzees will be sued”
  • “Is it ok to let my dog eat me?”  (I don’t know what this means…but in any case, no.)
  • “how do you get the dog stop sucking the head eggs and let me have a phone number to call them people?”
  • “that one had hair on it”
  • “Gandalf, you better be at my door” (YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF GANDALF.)
  • “78 year old lady does her own home perms”
  • “How to remove tracker bug from belly button?”  (I think you’re confusing real life with the Matrix again.)
  • “mushroom looks like snowman”
  • “guys sit on a buck of fireworks and pops the butt.”
  • “Something red is poking from my belly button.”  (Is it a tracker bug?)
  • “What will happen if you let a moth in your ear?”  (This is like the insect version of “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”.)
  • “Why shouldn’t some cats play cards?”
  • “WHERE M I NOW?”  (Based on your search, I’d guess “a bar”.)
  • “do-it-yourself cat costumes for toddlers”
  • “Did nellie oleson eat shit on little house on the prairie?”
  • “can you paint cat’s toenails?”
  • “Can I use butter on my dog?”  
  • “Whatever happened to Lou Diamond Phillips?”
  • “Why does my cat smell my left eye?”
  • “why do blueberry unicorns cross the milk chocolate river when they could just fly to the other side?”
  • “Why is there a really long grey hair coming out of my stomach?
  • “What happens if you can’t dig up St Joseph’s body after your house sells?”
  • “What does it mean when someone says ‘Fuck yeah I like watermelon’?”  
  • “Anyone having nightmares about Morgan Freeman?”
  • “Is it ok with Jesus when I am pretending to pray but I am not?”  (Have you even read these other searches?  YOU’RE FINE.)

Strangest search terms of the week

Once again, the strangest things people were searching for last week that brought them to thebloggess.com:

“ivaginated penis” (I don’t…what?)

“does pegasus really exist?”  (Yes!  But they’re made of plastic zebras and leftover pieces of cows and geese.  So, I guess, no.  Never mind.)

“I lost an hour.”  (It’s probably daylight savings time.  Or alien abduction.  Or daylight savings time invented to cover up a mass alien abduction.)

“How high is Tony Danza?”  (Um…five foot nine.  Assuming that’s what you’re asking.)

“Why does my cat sniff my eyes?”  (You’re not alone.)

“disney epcot donkey for sale”  (Eeyore?)

“If a girl phones a guy and wazzupps him and he doesnt respond what should she do?”  (Probably stop saying “wazzupp.”)

“Sending dick pic to someone and then pretending it was an accident.”  (Mr. Weiner, you need help.  No one is falling for this shit.)

“Real sightings of God”  (Wow.  And you found yourself directed here.  I am so, so sorry.)

“Dreaming about making out with yourself”  (That’s not normal.  Unless you’re David Tennant.  Then it’s weird, but understandable.)

“Can using meth cause ear infection”  (I think you’re doing meth wrong.)

“how to make a homemade nipple stretcher”  (Hang on.  Like, a stretcher for nipples that need to go to the hospital, or a tool to stretch out your nipples?  Either way, I ‘m confused.  Are enormous nipples good?  Honestly, I don’t even know what kind of nipples are in this year.  Now I’m feeling all self-conscious about my nipples.  Great.  Then again, my mom always said, “Fads come and go.  Just wait long enough and it’ll come into fashion again.”  I’m assuming that goes for nipples as well.)

“How to say hello to your muslim neighbor”  (Pretty sure you just answered your own question.)

“When can I punt my dick in?”  (Please, God, tell me that’s a typo.)

“Accidental lesbian caught”  (I didn’t even know we were looking for her.)

“Albino feces after meth use”  (Speechless.)

“carnival people who swap blood”  (You people are just fucking with me now.)

“vagina punch”  (Like, punching a vagina…or a drink made from vagina?  Either way, I think I’m out.)

“Is planting a st joseph statue witchcraft?” (More like Vague-Catholicism.  But, speaking from experience, it doesn’t work.  Burying Saints, that is.  I have no idea if Catholicism works.)

“fucking bitch” (It’s a bit disconcerting that this exact term brought you here.  THANKS, GOOGLE.)

“which end of the banana is the satan’s anus?”  (I’ve always referred to the bottom of the banana as the “bananus.”  Is that the same thing?)

“How to find a dead squirrel in attic.”  (First you get a squirrel…)

“cat yells at me for not answering phone”  (I hate to side with cats, but you shouldn’t have given him a phone if you weren’t going to answer his calls.)

My search results terrify me.

Every few weeks I check my search results to see what people were looking for that brought them to this blog.  Then I blog about them and then I get even more weird search terms the next week.  It’s like I’m asking for this.  Stop blaming the victim, you guys.

The strangest searches that brought people to TheBloggess.com this week:

“What will happened if centipedes go inside your ear?” (Screaming, probably?)

“Does anyone pronounce the L in caulk?”  (I find it’s more fun if you don’t.)

“Why is everything making sense in my life?”  (Frankly, that would be disconcerting to me too.)

“Not my fault your ugly.” (Fair enough.  Not my fault you can’t use “you’re” properly.)

“Human baby eating”  (I’m confused.  Are you wanting to know what human babies should be eating, or the best way to eat human babies?  Please be more specific.)

“How to make people think you are a wizard”  (Good luck with that.)

“I burnt the fucking soufflé.”  (You’re not alone.)

“What’s that thing near my veginer?”  (No idea, but that’s probably my favorite new pronunciation of “vagina”.  Vej-Eye-Ner.  That is awesome.)

“Can I move my buried dog?”  (Not while it’s still buried.)

“My life goal is to end up on Jenny’s weirdest search term blog list.”   (Success!  Now go reevaluate your life goals.  You can do better.)

“If my boo is not answering his phone can I pop up at his house and ask do he need to borrow your phone charger?”  (I like your style, lady.  Be my new best friend.)

“My spirit animal is fisting Steven Seagal.”  (Wait.  Is your spirit animal currently fisting Steven Seagal.  Or is your spirit animal Steven Seagal, who is currently fisting?  Either way, it’s unsettling.)

Penis spatula  (Well, you wouldn’t want it to burn, I suppose.)

Mouse riding on octopus (The weird thing here is that seven different people looked for this.  I’ve disappointed seven people in one week.  At least.)

Where can I buy lemonade flavored crystal meth?  (You meant to type “Crystal Light” didn’t you?)

“Feels like I have been stabbed.”  (Check for knives.  You may have been stabbed.)

“How much is a 20 dollar bill worth?” (Huh.  Is this a trick question?)

“When can baby see squirrels at night?”  (I don’t even know what’s going on here.)

“Midgets that are tired of being hit on.” (First of all, we don’t use the word “midget” anymore.  Secondly, it’s “who” rather than “that”.   Third, WHAT IN THE FUCK?)

“You mean I’m not a reptile.”  (You sound disappointed.  But if you typed this you are probably not a reptile.  Or you’re a very talented reptile.  Either way?  Good news.)

“Large bulge above the naval extending to rib cage looks like an alien is about to burst out.”  (Why are you googling this?  GO SEE A DOCTOR.)

“Always bring the banana to your mouth.”  (I’m not saying I disagree, but why are we even specifying?)

“Rotten banana in vargina” (Ah.  And now I see why we’re specifying.  Also, it’s “verginer”.  Not “vargina”.  Please update your spellcheck.  And please put down the banana.)

“How to know if something is appropriate for social media?”  (And you found yourself here.  How terribly ironic.)

“Third eye grows out of your forehead and wants to eat your brain.”  (I think we’ve all been there, friend.)

“Aliens gave my cat a beard.”  (But…how can you tell?)

“Is it safe to fix a loose needle on meth syringe with superglue?” (None of that is safe.  Everything you said is unsafe.  I’m not sure why I’m having to clarify that.)

“Why should you never fart on somebody’s balls?” (I don’t have an answer for that.  Or a response.  Or words.  speechless.)

“What is the worst thing that could happen if you put glue on your lips?” (A third eye could grow out of your forehead and eat your brain?  An alien could burst out of your stomach?  Someone could fart on your balls?  Apparently, just about anything.  None of us are safe, y’all.)

And you still haven't found what you're searching for. Because my blog got in your way.

At the end of each year I pull up my analytics to see what search terms actually brought people to this blog because it’s incredibly confusing to everyone involved.  2012 was no exception and I’m sharing a few of my favorite google searches that brought you all here (in order of # people searching that term).  Never change, weirdos…

2012 Strange Google Searches That Brought People to The Bloggess.com:

“Knock knock, motherfucker” ~  3,308 

“Sasquatch sightings”  ~ 2,086

“This chicken will cut you” ~ 490

“Thanks for ruining batman” ~ 403

“I have no idea what I’m doing” ~ 288

“No one’s going to be able to relate to a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover” ~ 99

“Feet must be covered while sleeping” ~ 79

“Hamster erections” ~ 79

“What size shirt should my cat wear?” – 69

“Chupacabra cobra death match” ~ 59

“zombie chicken porn” ~ 49

“What to do if your wife is obsessed with unicorns?” ~ 40

“What size shirt does a 20 lb cat wear?” – 35

“Nathan Fillion shirtless” – 32

“Green poop at Disney World” ~ 31

“Dead whores” ~ 29

“World of Warcraft blow job” ~ 16

“National Vomit Day” ~ 14

“I hate it when I’m eating and a t-rex steals my chair” ~ 14

“Shit that shouldn’t be” ~ 10

“Meth in vagina makes sex better” ~ 5

“hey my name is rebekah what’s yours? i really like baked cheese and bears and such hahahahahahha i can type without looking at my key board” ~ 4

“Unruly vagina hair” – 4

“How did the hamsters even get jet lag?” ~ 3

“Do predators on To Catch a Predator get paid to be on tv?” ~ 1

“One letter is in my name is misspelled on my meds so will they take it at the airport?” ~ 1

“Cute tabby kittens saying misspelled things” ~ 1

“Nazi outfit on a weasel” ~ 1

“Raccoon albino with mange” ~ 1

“Raccoon albino without mange” ~ 1

“Cheese is funner”  ~ 1

“Would a picture of fork tines sticking out someones butt be considered art?” ~ 1

“Anteaters dressed like people” ~ 1

“bunnies aren’t just cute like every body supposes, they got them hoppy tails and twitchy little noses, and whats with all the carrots, what do they need such good eye sight for any way, bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies” ~ 1

********

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the lovely Masala Chica.  From the author: “In Hindi, the word “Masala” means spice. I originally wrote a lot about growing up Indian American but most of the posts I write are universal, so the whole “Masala” thing doesn’t make as much sense. But I still like it. I write about family, politics, feminism, music, books and I bitch about a lot of random things. Disclaimer: I like gay people, immigrants and the homeless. Be forewarned.”

I still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

Every few months I look at my analytics to see what bizarre search terms brought people to this blog and this time did not fail to baffle.

A quick sampling:

HOW TO SUCK A BLOATED NAVEL  (What.)

MY BELLY BUTTON FELL OUT  (No.)

NOISE INSIDE OF NAVEL  (Stop.)

DEEP BELLY BUTTON FINGER GIVES EXCITEMENT  (Hang on.  Are we still talking about a belly button?)

HOW TO MAKE A PAPER DOLL WITH BOOBS   (It’s probably easier if you use your hands.)

WHAT JOB DEPENDS ON PEOPLE LEAVING LITTER  (Are you just trying to justify littering?)

A SPECIAL THANK YOU TO A FRIEND WHO BURIED MY CAT  (They really should make a card for this.)

HOT AUNTIE LEGGINGS IMAGE  (I don’t know if this is a fetish or a typo.)

LEG SHOT GETTING OUT OF CAR (Like, with a camera or a bullet?)

DINNER PARTY FOR 14 ROAD KILL FOODS  (Please don’t.)

WTF KEVIN  (Indeed.  Get your shit together, Kevin.)

ARE CATS PRAYING TO GOD  (I don’t understand the question?)

WHAT DOESN’T IT MEAN WHEN A GIRL TELLS YOU THAT SHE IS SORRY FOR DISAPPOINTING YOU  (What doesn’t it mean?  Oh wait.  That’s what you asked.  Sorry.  I don’t know the answer.)

WHY DO THEY THROW THE FISH OUT OF THE SLEIGH IF HE CAN’T FLY?  (Weirdly, I know what you’re talking about and I asked the same question 8 years ago.)

WHAT ANIMAL LOOKS LIKE A SQUIRREL BUT IS BIGGER  (Is it a bigger squirrel?)

WHY ARE YOU NOT PICKING UP YOUR PHONE  (Why are you searching for this on the internet?)

HOW TO MAKE SOMEONE UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DIDN’T ANSWER YOUR PHONE  (Are these searches relate?)

CODE OF WATERMELON (I’m so confused.)

AM I KILLING ELVES  (Um…what?)

WHAT IF MY HAMSTERS NOT GAY (Respect your hamster’s choices.)

WAS OLIVE OYL A PROSTITUTE (Great.  Now I want to google this.  I have become the problem.)

KINDA PISSED ABOUT NOT BEING A UNICORN (OMG join the club.)

 

 

 

Jesus, you guys. I DON’T HAVE THE ANSWERS. But I do have a lot more questions now.

Every so often I go look at the search terms that brought people to my blog and then I think STOP DOING THAT.  But then I decide that it would make a funny post and share some of them even though writing these phrases here will inevitably just lead to more terribly baffling searches leading here.

WORTH IT.

The most baffling terms that led people to my blog this month:

  • I bought a sick monkey on ebay (I can’t tell if you’re complaining or bragging)
  • What happens if you have a hole in your eardrum and an ant crawls inside your ear?  (I don’t know but I will never sleep again.)
  • How to prevent a tittie from growing on your ear (Is this a real concern?)
  • when i laugh my belly button pops but i am a boy  (Wait.  Do you think this is normal for girls?)
  • Chrissy, I fucking hate you and I want you dead by tomorrow morning bitch.  (Jesus.  I don’t know who Chrissy is but someone get her to safe house.)
  • best personal peeing (Is this an award? Congrats?)
  • what if a gnat flies in my nose and i find him in my ear a week later (How do you know it’s the same gnat?)
  • There are cobras that look so!!so!! cool!!!!! and are the biggest cobras found ever and ever like never seen before that’s why they are cooll!!!!!
 (I have no idea what you’re talking about but your excitement is contagious.)
  • Where can I volunteer and get a small money as a thank you (That is not how volunteering works.)
  • Dear google please help me with my question
 (That is not how google works.)
  • Can cats swallow a baby?  (That is not how cats work.)
  • How much money is in a $10 bill (Is this a trick question?)
  • windex enema used by serial killers  (No.  Stop it.)
  • strange and disturbing things about my old little pony (What?)
  • straight white pubic hair that feels like a cat whisker (What??)
  • Inflated cat butt (What???)
  • single cougar boobs (What????)
  • DIY cat outfits (Wha- Oh wait.  Yes. I’m in.  Come on over.)
  • how much nyquil to make me unconscious
 (This is exactly the week I’ve had too.)
  • can single white rapid hair growth on forehead be a sign of early pregnancy (Probably not.)
  • danger nipples (And I just found my new band name.)
  • He put a dick on my forehead and said I’m a unicorn (He sounds like a keeper.)
  • Why do I have white stuff on my face? (Hmm.  Nope. Too easy.)
  • True stories about everyone is telephoning to congratulate you on still being alive (That is a very specific genre.)
  • What does a feces smell prophetically represent if I’m awake and not dreaming (If you’re awake and you smell feces you may have shit yourself. That’s not symbolic or prophetic. That’s real life.)
  • Oh look. One of the peasants has a blog. (Ow.)
  • poto bagina (I don’t know what you’re misspelling but I know you’re misspelling it)
  • Dead squirrel in attic smell (That is my least favorite yankee candle.)

Conclusion: There are a lot of confused people in the world and they are all ending up here.  Which makes sense in a way.  Welcome.  I think.