Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

I wrote a book and it only took me 11 years.  (Shut up, Stephen King.)

You should probably go buy it right now, because it’s filled with awesomeness.  And cocaine.  But only if you hollow it out and fill it with your own cocaine.  I’m not buying you cocaine.  Because I love you.

And that’s why you should buy my book.  Because I’m saving you from yourself.  And from cocaine.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

If you want a signed copy you can order one from my book store, Nowhere Bookshop.  Just tell me what you want me to write when you order.

It’s also available at BookshopAmazonBarnes & NobleIndie Bound, Books-A-MillionAudible and iTunes and it somehow became a #1 NYT BestSeller the first week out.  I have no idea how that happened either.

In the UK you can get it at Amazon.UK, Waterstones and UK indie stores.

Book summary:  

For fans of Tina Fey and David Sedaris-Internet star Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, makes her literary debut.

When Jenny Lawson was little, all she ever wanted was to fit in. That dream was cut short by her fantastically unbalanced father (a professional taxidermist who created dead-animal hand puppets) and a childhood of wearing winter shoes made out of used bread sacks. It did, however, open up an opportunity for Lawson to find the humor in the strange shame spiral that is her life, and we are all the better for it.

Lawson’s long-suffering husband and sweet daughter are the perfect comedic foils to her absurdities, and help her to uncover the surprising discovery that the most terribly human moments-the ones we want to pretend never happened-are the very same moments that make us the people we are today.

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened: A Mostly True Memoir is a poignantly disturbing, yet darkly hysterical tome for every intellectual misfit who thought they were the only ones to think the things that Lawson dares to say out loud. Like laughing at a funeral, this book is both irreverent and impossible to hold back once you get started.

AUTHOR BIO: Known for her sardonic wit and her hysterically skewed outlook on life, Jenny Lawson has made millions of people question their own sanity, as they found themselves admitting that they, too, often wondered why Jesus wasn’t classified as a zombie, or laughed to the point of bladder failure when she accidentally forgot that she mailed herself a cobra. Her blog (www.thebloggess.com) is award-winning, extremely popular, and she is considered to be one of  the funniest women alive by at least three people.

Praise and advanced reviews:

“Even when I was funny, I wasn’t this funny” ~ Augusten Burroughs, author of Running With Scissors

“The Bloggess writes stuff that actually is laugh-out-loud, but you know that really you shouldn’t be laughing and probably you’ll go to hell for laughing, so maybe you shouldn’t read it. That would be safer and wiser.”
-Neil Gaiman, author of The Sandman, Stardust, American Gods and Coraline

“There’s something wrong with Jenny Lawson-magnificently wrong. I defy you to read her work and not hurt yourself laughing.” -Jen Lancaster, Author of Bitter is the New Black, Jeneration X, Bright Lights, Big Ass

“Jenny Lawson will make you laugh again and again – at things you didn’t even know were funny.  And what’s more, she can write.  What she knows about pacing, punchlines, setups and surprises could fill a book.  Lucky for us, it’s this one.  – Katherine Center, author of The Bright Side of Disaster, Everyone Is Beautiful, and Get Lucky

“Jenny Lawson is hilarious, snarky, witty, totally inappropriate, and ‘Like Mother Teresa, Only Better.'”
-Diana Vilibert, Marie Claire

“Jenny Lawson’s writing is nothing less than revolutionary.  Her humor is touched by humanity, her cynicism laced with self-deprecation. I say this without a hint of exaggeration: She may be one of the most progressive women’s voices of our time.”
-Karen Walrond, author of The Beauty of Different

1,060 thoughts on “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I preordered your book along with “Dick and Jane and Vampires” (yes it’s a real kids book) because it said at checkout that your book was often ordered along with the latest Harry Potter movie which I thought was odd. So now you have another interesting book to be paired with yours. You’re welcome.

  2. Good for you young one. Apparently occasionally being locked away for long periods of forced confinement were just what you needed to get it finished. I’m sure Copernicus is proud.

  3. I’m so excited it’s really here!!!! Not to sound real or anything, but you are SO my mentor. I blog because I can. My dream is to be published. I heart you.

  4. Deeeeeeeaaaaaaar Bloggess, I am torn here. I want to be sincere and I want to fit in on your big, wonderful piece on the bloggoshere. What I am torn about is that I freakin’ love you, from a distance, through the world wide wide, and not in a freaky way. I *want* that book. My only hangup is,…..sheesh, this should not be so hard. I am a Jesus lover, and I totally get that Jesus would seem like a zombie. And I love when peeps like Jim Gaffigan poke a little (or a whole shitload of) fun at Christians and the way Jesus would seem in just the human way, like when it was His birthday, what the heck do you buy for the Guy who dies on the cross for you? That’s all Jim’s, in case you are not a Gaffigan-kind of person and don’t know of his stuff. So, I really want that book, even though I have 5 other books, including and Anne Lamott book whom I also love, from a distance, that I have not finished in like, oh, say 3 years. I know. Stupid. But this internets pulls me in. But also, I can’t get the book if it really insults Jesus. Please don’t think I am too weird and ban me from your blog. I love commenting here. You have made more grooves in happy parts of my brain, so I must come back. But I want to be honest in all blog related matters. I mean, who would lie in a blog? That would make no sense because I feel that blogs are where everyone should really let all the shit-stained laundry out for everyone to see; ya know, the real truth. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the fucking too hilarious to not be true. Am I right? Anywhoooos, thank you, darling, for being funny-as-all-get-out you. And I still hope that asshole ovary is settling down. I’ll even shoot out a prayer if that doesn’t offend. James Garfield needs your ovary to heal ’cause no one loves him like you do.

  5. FYI, while adding your forthcoming book to my spreadsheet of “Books to Read” (yes, I have a spreadsheet to list books I want to read. Don’t judge me.) I accidentally typed “Jenny Lawsome”. HA! Get it! It’s punny. From now on I will always think of you as Jenny Lawsome. BAM!

  6. All the way down at the bottom of the world in New Zealand, I follow your blog. You are the best entertainment!! Love to get a copy of your book, but not sure if I can down here in the antipodes.

  7. I love you people. I made this page and forgot I left comments open. What a sweet surprise to see people actually looking.

    In answer to your questions, you can totally order it on Kindle. Just look on the amazon link.

    Also, I know it’ll be available in Australia so I’m guessing New Zealand will have it too?

    And finally, my guess is that Jesus would read this book and enjoy it in spite of himself, so I think you can buy it without feeling guilty. In fact, he’d probably give it to God for Father’s Day because he’s a giver. But God would already own it because I’m sending him an advance copy in hopes that he pimps it out to everyone. God is the Oprah of Heaven.

  8. Hey, you seem to have quite a following here in lil ole NZ. Am off to the Amazon store to see if I can indeed get a copy sent here. I don’t think it’ll arrive in time for my mum for Xmas, so I might have to give her a card with Copernicus on it, with “I owe you one book, here’s a hug in the meantime…” That way I’ll also be able to read it before I give it to her (carefully, so as not to crease the spine). “Gosh, international post is slow isn’t it?” 🙂

  9. So, darling, wonderful Bloggess, you sooooooooooooo made my day by answering my question! Wow; I kinda feel like I met someone famous, a good famous person, like hmmmmmmmmm, well I love Mr. Rogers, but that is weird and he died. I don’t want to get political here, ’cause I already did the “discuss religion” thing. Let’s just leave it at the fact that you made my day, and you *are* famous, and you read my comment and answered. I am holding my jagged half BFF heart right now. Figuratively, of course. I am not *that* crazy. So I have a nook, and I will click on over to Barnes and Noble and see if your masterpiece is there. If not, Husband will have to share his kindle. Buying God a Father’s Day present would be pretty tough. It’s nice that you helped Jesus out with that. As always, you inspire, Bloggess.

  10. I love love LOVE that Neil Gaiman is one of the pre-praiser/reviewers for this book. If there were a doubt as to whether I’d buy the book, it’s gone now!

  11. I’m still debating pre-ordering your book. I mean it comes out right before the whole end-of-the-world-2012-apocalypse thing and I’m afraid I won’t have time to read it before I die at the hands of my suddenly alive and demonic computer as I try to write one last blog post.

    Surely, you can understand this dilemma, right? I truly want time to enjoy your novel. And untangle my brain from what I am sure will be many brain tangling passages.

    Oh, hell. I don’t know what to do! I need your advice, Jenny. Help me make this decision…

    (You should buy it because then I can die as “best-selling author, Jenny Lawson” instead of “that weird girl who said ‘fuck’ a lot.” Plus, there’s no reason to be saving for retirement since we’re all dying anyway so technically you could buy several. Everyone wins. And dies. How terribly depressing. ~ Jenny, bloggess)

  12. GOD IS THE OPRAH OF HEAVEN.
    Well. I’ve been sitting in the audience a long time. I’m overdue for a new car and a two-hundred-dollar toothbrush or sommat.

  13. I can’t WAIT to read it. I have so few heroes, but you are one of them. You’ve inspired me to blog again, and to enjoy writing again, and let it all hang out honestly, and you seriously just rock! And further, I love that you put the wrong year on the Christmas ornaments. That is something *I* would do, and I LOL’d at it.

    Can we put a rush on it? Pretty please? 🙂

  14. I had in mind that I was going to buy Amy Sedaris’ book, “I Like You…”, so I could get the super shipper savings with the other orders I got going on Amazon, but once you were compared with the likes of David Sedaris, Amy’s bro, which I’ve been using his book on tape for “Me Talk Pretty Some Day” to lull me to sleep at night( Not because it is dull mind you, far from it, but it’s one of the only books on tape I have, and I’m sick of the relax into sleep tape-boring! I love his personal stories of his life-I just put the volume on low, and I think it’s cool to have David reading to me sleep! in case you were wondering), I know now I have to get your book as well! I already use your blog to help me feel like I had some laughs in my hectic responsibility-laden life. You remind me of all the crazy friends I had back in the day, and all the crazy things we had done. Aahh! Those were the days! And thanks for the referral to the song, “In My Mind”. Fuck Yes!!

  15. Ok So why the hell is your book most frequently purchased with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2 (+ UltraViolet Digital Copy) (2011)? The paperback version maybe but not this one…….Anyway your blog has brought a lot more laughter into my life. I hope you do a book tour so I can come see you (in NJ) in person. Thanks to you my husband and hopefully husbands around the globe know to quake in their boots when they hear “Knock Knock Mother-fucker!!!”

  16. I can tell you without hesitation that this book is so not made for children. I had no idea why people buy it with Happy Potter, but I’d like to think that they want to hide the cost of the book from their spouse so they buy both at the same time and when their spouse asks what the bill is for they say “It’s for a DVD FOR THE CHILDREN. STOP QUESTIONING ME.” Either that or people just really like Harry Potter. I can’t argue with that.

  17. Why do you call it ‘laughing yourself to the point of bladder failure’? The bladder is SUPPOSED to make you pee. That is not failure, but unmitigated success. The bladder, in this instance, WINS.

    In other news I WANT THIS BOOK SO BAD.

    Bladder: 1

  18. I will absolutely buy your book, but I would especially adore having an autographed copy. You should do a book signing tour where people stand in line at the door to book store restrooms, they hand over their books through the cracked door, and then you hand them back through the door. You could even use stunt hands!

  19. My 17 yo son is getting a Kindle for Christmas. This means I’m going to download this on there and blow. His. Mind. It’ll be awesome. Then I can read it on his Kindle while his melted brain reforms and we can all go on about our daily lives. Double win.

  20. Jenny,

    1. Your original post about Beyonce made a terrific “Happy 15th Anniversary” message to a friend of mine, who appreciates irreverent humor.

    2. I learned today that FB does not allow the phrase “Douche Canoe.” Who knew? 😉

    Merry Christmas — whatever year you think it is. 🙂

  21. I just added it to my To-Read (aka ­­Stuff I Want to Read, But Will Probably Never Actually Read) List.

    you should be honored.

  22. You have no idea how bad-ass it is to finally see this book coming out. Congratulations on making it to the long, grueling end of publishing.

    Now, when are you writing the next one? And it better not be a crappy contract filler a la Prince.

  23. Just preordered at Barnacles and Buttholes (it’s not in a barn nor is it noble). Thank you, Miss Jenny.

  24. “She may be one of the most progressive women’s voices of our time.”

    Let’s pretend that never happened.

    Fine. I’ll still buy your book.

    Just don’t even start with progressive voices and shit.

    Hearing them is OK, though.

    The new meds are fantastic, eh?

  25. So yeah I totally pre-ordered… I don’t want the kindle version tho because I want to leave it out in odd places for my friends to find and go “what is this?” and then maybe blow their minds a little. Then they wouldn’t think I was so weird for laughing uncontrollably and, when asked why, only being able to stutter things like “jjj-James Gar-gar-garfield!”. Or when I call someone a douchecanoe. They need to join the crazy side, where we also have cookies just like the dark side, but ours are better because we also have milk. I’ve never heard anyone advertise the dark side as having milk. And cows are pretty weird so it makes more sense they’d be with US. I mean, have you seen those udders?

    And I’d do just about anything for a signed copy. If I send a Beyonce to knock on random peoples doors would that get me one? How about putting my kid in a ballet dress and giving her a toy gun and putting her on top of a car, ready for the apocalypse?

  26. #1 recommended forum thread on Amazon for your book: Do you Know any great True Prison Stories?

  27. Can’t wait for your book to arrive in my mailbox! I ordered it immediately with instructions that the UPS guy leave it on my front porch, ring the doorbell, yell “Knock Knock Mother Fucker”, and then run and hide behind the shrubs to see me open the door. And then see me furiously happily squeal with glee! HA! =)

  28. I preordered your book as soon as it was available, and I absolutely cannot wait to read it… my husband is completely sick of hearing me talk about it.

    Him: How can you talk so much about a book you haven’t even read yet?
    Me: Because it is awesome. That is the kind of power this book has. Besides, it will come out just in time for your birthday. I will get you a copy.
    Him: My birthday is in August.
    Me: I am getting a head start. I am trying to be motivated. Stop trying to stop me!

  29. I’m going to make my boyfriend buy me this book. Mostly because I don’t have a job, and partly because that’s what boyfriends are suppose to do..

  30. Bummed.
    Have been told you are the funniest thing since sliced bread. Read the bloggess, and was hooked. Saw that you had a book, and went to Kindle. Not available until April 2012! Isn’t that like bait and switch?

  31. Jenny I am so excited for you. Will there be trucker hats to go along with the book tour? Even if there aren’t, I will still stand in line like one of those crazed shoppers on Black Friday to buy your book. xxoxoxoxox
    Michelle Jones Lamar (formerly known as WTM).

  32. Jenny,
    I have a Kobo. I’ve already researched and Kindle books can be formatted to work on a Kobo, but I am technically challenged and would probably screw it up. Will your book ever be an EPUB for Kobo? If not, I guess I’ll have to go the old fashioned way and actually hold a book to read it because I soooo want to read this. Thanks!

  33. Welcome back, Happy New Year & Congrats….. Glad you are feeling better… Hate for your angst to entertain us… but you know it is part of who you are…

  34. haha Jesus isn’t considered a zombie because HE WAS TALKING ABOUT COMMUNION, you know, the little cracker and teensy weensy cup of grape juice? but Jesus DID like to mess with us that way haha… i can’t WAIT for your book!!!

  35. This book will be required reading for my staff.
    You’re my twin sister, separated by 13 months & a few miles, but deep down I know we share the same brain.
    Thank you for the 11 year journey to complete this book.
    You’re my hero for everything that you write about & I actually like you MORE now since I read your January 2nd blog.
    I can’t wait for this to come to my door & be waiting for me to share with the world. That is my calling in life.
    If you’re doing book signings somewhere in WI, IL, MN, IA – I’ll be there just let me know.

  36. You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey . You’ll never know dear how much i love you. Please dont take my sunshine away.

  37. DUDE. I totally preordered my copy this morning. It’s like I can read your brain or something. Or I’m IN your brain. Or something.

    PS – It’s comfy cozy in here.

  38. Can I just say how extraordinarily jealous I am that you’ve got Neil Gaiman’s name on there?

    Also? Totally love you. Thank you for you.

  39. –>I can’t wait to read your book. Congrats Jenny on getting it finished and published.

    Beyonce is so proud. I heard her clucking about it.

  40. Jenny, You are my idol. There are days I find myself laughing at the absurdity of life after which I immediately question my sanity. The tales you tell – especially the conversations with Victor – make me feel perfectly good about myself. Oh, I know I’m not sane by any stretch of the imagination but that’s what makes me me! Rock on with your bad self!!!

    Marci

    p.s. You were part of the inspiration for me to start my blog: http://blognamedbrew.blogspot.com/ If any of the other commenters read this, please don’t judge me against the Jenny Lawsome (love it!) measuring stick. I will fail every single time. But I’m trying!

  41. Totally ordering this on my Kindle. Really hoping you do book signings in the future too. Though that means I will have to buy a second copy of the book. Which is fine, really. Because no one will be able to touch the autographed copy. It’s going on my shrine, right next to mini-Beyonce, my Star Trek USS Enterprise pizza cutter and other randomness my boyfriend doesn’t understand.

  42. I think I need to get one for everyone I know. If I mail it to you with a self addressed stamped envelope will you sign it and mail it back? or sign something and scan it so I can trace it in. or have Ferris mewler step on an ink pad and then walk on the first page? Either one really….

  43. I put in my pre order with Amazon a while back and am waiting (not so patiently) for it to show up. I can’t wait to read it.

  44. I was looking at the “Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought” section, because I figured I should spend all my holiday money on Amazon, and there’s “Hark! A Vagrant” by Kate Beaton, “Let’s Panic About Babies!: How to Endure and Possibly Triumph Over the Adorable Tyrant who Will Ruin Your Body, Destroy Your Life, Liquefy Your Brain, … Turn You into a Worthwhile Human Being” by Alice Bradley and Eden M. Kennedy, Firefly – The Complete Series (Hi, Nathan Fillion!), and “I Can Do It Reward Chart: Blank Supplement Pack”.

    You have the best followers.

  45. So happy for you, Jenny! Congrats!
    This reminds me – I found Beyonce’s cousin acting as a greeter in a local restaurant. True story. I’ll send the photo.

  46. Congrats!!!! I received the preorder for Christmas! So am very excited to get my hands on the book. I am just not fond of the waiting game! I suck at waiting patiently!

  47. how could anything you do suck? you’re jenny lawson.

    i cannot wait to sit on my couch and read your memoir. i won’t get off the couch until i finish every single page. i’m a slow reader, so this is saying a lot.

    congrats and kick ass!

  48. When is it going to be on Audible.com. I listened to Samatha Bee’s book while cleaning the house. I’m going to listen to yours while shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Don’t make me sit somewhere and read it! 🙂 xoxo

  49. Thank you for the ugly truths and superior humor and for connecting with so many of us that you will never meet.
    Your rantings feel like home to me. You are a freaken delight.

  50. I will be buying the physical book, because I’m really REALLY hoping for a book tour/autograph opportunity. (Key Largo is beautiful anytime of year! But Miami’s close enough too…just sayin’) I’m going though a very rough time right now, and your blogs, the funny and the inspirational, are bright spots for me. Thank you, again and again and again…

  51. I am glad the author’s note said sardonic and not satanic because at first I read satanic and I did see a Jesus reference there, and it all got a little weird for me, but I realized the error of my ways, that I can’t read type this small, and that I need new glasses, probably bifocals. You go, Jenny Lawson, and I can’t wait to buy it.

  52. I will be buying your book.
    I will probably be buying several.
    I will be doing this mostly for my hubster and two grown children.
    I will hand them the book. I will command them to read it.
    I will then say something like,
    “See. My Barry Manilow fetish and penchant for screaming at Always commercials seems pretty normal, now, right? RIGHT???”
    (Awkward pause)
    “DON”T YOU ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME, YOUNG MAN!!”

  53. I’ll see your giant pack of toilet paper and raise you a Hagen Catit Design Fresh and Clear Cat Drinking Fountain AND a pack of Lactaid Fast Act Lactase Enzyme Supplements.

    I want to preorder the book but I want even more to run into my local Barnes & Noble and buy the first copy they sell. Happy early Birthday present to me. 🙂

  54. Pre-ordered thru amazon!
    I did, I admit, look at the other books that folks also bought with LPTNH. (Only books listed for me, no other cool merch.) I am now considering “Animals Behaving Badly: Boozing Bees, Cheating Chimps, Dogs with Guns, and Other Beastly True Tales.”

  55. I discovered your blog when you put up the Found Snake sign. I laughed so hard I could hardly stop. It still makes me laugh every time I think of it. I would love a copy of your book, but I’m trying to figure out a way to have a bit of fun with my local library. I live in a very conservative community where your book would create LOTS of controversy. There has to be a way for me to get the library to order it without them knowing how awesomely controversial it will be. Mwah hah hah, this should be great fun! Thanks for your fabulous life, and for sharing your book with us.

  56. Two things:
    1. I read the advance reading copy of your book (one of the perks of owning my own bookstore where, ahem, one could order said book) and plan to suggest it with every purchase, sort of like super-sizing an extra value meal. “Oh, I see you bought “The Sense of an Ending” by Julian Barnes, so you like understated poetic prose. I think you’ll really enjoy the bit in this book about the cow’s vagina.” See? It really works for everyone.
    2. Since I am a complete history dork, I have to point out that your paragraph about Abraham Lincoln dying because people put their grubby hands in his bullet wound sounded more like what happened to James Garfield. Lincoln – massive head wound
    Garfield – superficial back wound that proved fatal after being probed for months. It even inspired Alexander Graham Bell to invent the metal detector to find the bullet.

    Seriously, though? Loved the book.

  57. Do you know if your book will be available is softcover? I pre-ordered it from amazon.ca (Canada) but hardcover is the only option. Any thoughts? I am crazy looking forward to it’s release. I have been very sick lately with no access to your site (tear) so I am counting the days for the book release so I have a travel edition of your stories.

    Thanks in advance.

  58. I cannot wait to read your book!! Mostly so I can stop doing drugs. Do you think that maybe you should come up with a marketing plan specifically for drug dealers? Like maybe how they won’t get put in jail for reading your book which will give them so MUCH MORE FREE TIME. Then you could be like, “Look Obama, I saved the world from the war on drugs.” And then they would have no choice but to make you president. I am a GODDAMN genius!! It must be all the drugs. You’re welcome. President Jenny Lawson. And instead of Marilyn Monroe singing you “Happy Birthday”, we could get all the drug dealers. Because they would be so thankful.

  59. I can’t wait to order your book. As someone who also suffers from the gruesome illness I find comfort in your blog in knowing I’m not alone

  60. Oh, I think commenter #27 has it absolutely right!!! A book tour with you autographing copies in the restroom. That, would be perfect.

    Will there be a way to get an autographed copy? Seriously.

  61. Will it be on kindle? Oh please? The hump on my back is finally going away, because I now carry around 87 books on a tablet… or in it…whatever

  62. Dear everyone commenting about Amazon or Kindles: how about sticking to places that have weird, wonderful, quirky staff who love books and reading? Right in or your near your own communities? In other words, INDEPENDENT BOOKSTORES. The places we’re determined not to let Amazon kill. You can even buy your e-books through them. To find your nearest (or to support any one of the amazing stores out there – Book People in Austin, who started the “Keep Austin Weird” movement, the wonderful Women and Children First in Chicago, Powell’s in Portland, Buffalo Street Books in Ithaca, A Room of One’s Own in Madison, Mood Makers in Rochester, NY, or heck, my Burlingham Books in Perry, NY, where I’ll have it on the shelf come April), just use the Indie Store Finder at IndieBound.org. Support independent stores everywhere!

    http://www.indiebound.org/book/9780399159015

  63. Chicken Buckaww, typically a paperback edition of a book comes out only if the hardcover sells well enough. A few publishers publish both types simultaneously, but not many.

  64. I was needing a good laugh today…nothing on tv, nothing I feel like doing, then i remembered “Aha!!!” with maniacal glee and went to your website …as I always do on these days. I guess it must be a lower day because I’m still down in the dumps. And then I saw your book in the left corner or your website and I thought, “Yes! Oh this is awesome! Just what I need!!!” but boo, it’s not out til APRIL! I’m not sure how I will survive waiting 🙁

  65. @ellen, if it’s on amazon (she states above), it’s available kindles. That’s where you get your kindle books.

  66. I just bought your book.
    April 17th. I feel like I am getting into another Twilight or Hunger Games series. 3 MONTHS!!
    I already have to wait months on end for other books to come out, then I have to wait for those books to be turned into movies and then wait for those movies to be released.
    I just thought you were better than those corporate assholes.
    Wait, you are. Which is why I am going to shut up now and wait patiently for your book.
    Until April 17th.
    Plus 3-4 days because I was too cheap to pay extra shipping.
    So really, like, April 21st. Or maybe longer because there could be a holiday somewhere in there or god forbid another national weather emergency.
    If that is the case, I will be convinced that the world is not going to end and that in fact, the world is just conspiring against me so that I cannot read your book.
    Which is kinda how I feel already.
    I am dragging, mostly because my boyfriend pissed me off tonight and by sitting here typing, he thinks I actually have a life and that I am not thinking about how pissed I am at him for being a tard bot.
    Lucky me, I am the only one who knows that I really don’t have a life. Well me and you and whoever else might, unfortunately, happen to scroll down and read this.
    Sincerely,
    Your biggest fan.

    PS This thing needs spell check.

  67. I just got my ARC through work (I work at an independent bookstore in Michigan), and am having flashbacks to visiting yooper cousins as a kid. Also, I keep snorting a lot on my lunch break, leading everyone in the office to ask “What’s so funny?”

    Basically? Brilliant and hilarious.

  68. PS. I will still be buying a hardcover, because books this fancy deserve to be in the best possible format. No paperbacks and none of that e-book bullshit.

    PPS. Is that one of your father’s taxidermys (?) on the cover?

  69. Oh dear god there IS a Kindle version! But what the F am I going to do with the bookplate. If I put it on my KIndle it kind of defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?

  70. Bloody hell I may have to get both the hard cover and the Kindle version. THANKS. And don’t tempt me with the Audio CD…is it really YOU reading it? Oh no you di’nt!

  71. Just pre-ordered. April 17 is actually my birthday, so happy birthday to me! And very heartfelt confratulations to you, Jenny. I am sure the book will be a wild success.

  72. Son of a bitch! I totally forgot I read this last night and wanted the book plate and preordered for Kindle. I think I’ll go cancel that and buy the paper one.

  73. I preordered for Kindle. I asked for a bookplate anyway. I don’t know if I’ll get it, but if I do, I’m going to put it inside some completely random old book so in like 1000 years archaeologists will be super confused.

  74. Jenny, I’ve been reading your hilarity for years, but I can’t get the signed bookplate because I live in Canada? We’re friendly here… Beautiful land, clean lakes, Rocky mountains, free health care, American retail stores, different coloured money, above average education, stable banking system, hockey, and Tim Hortons. Admit it…everyone wants to live in Canada! Yet, I can’t get a signed bookplate from my favorite blogger because I live in Canada? I’m pre-ordering your book anyway, but I hope you re-consider your love for your northern allies.

  75. So I pre-ordered your book with our big local book seller up here in the Great White North and I have to wait until early April! Gawd I hate waiting. Waiting is for, well….waiters. Also since I’m Canadian and apparently the book plate distributor people are still bitter we won the War of 1812 I can’t get a signed bookplate. Send more love our way.

  76. Pingback: FAIL |
  77. Yeah preordered! Because it occurred to me that I should try preordering it through my Nook rather than the B&N website. I’m new to this.

    Jenny, you are an absolutely beautiful woman! You look great! And so does Wolf Blitzer.

  78. Have to say, it’s at least 4 people that think you’re the funniest person alive! Pre-Ordered, and can’t wait to read it.
    PS, can you make a shirt with the rattlesnake sign? I would totally buy it, or a Poster, that might be better. You could do a collage on a poster 😀

  79. I got my hubby a Kindle Fire for xmas this year, and when he found out his gift was going to be pricey, he was all “IF IT IS EXPENSIVE AND CAN’T BE USED BY ALL OF US, THEN I AM RETURNING IT!!!!” An then I was all “YOU ARE A TIGHT WAD DOUCHE BAG!” Then he got the kindle on xmas day, and he loves it, and he sucks at sharing. To make a longs story longer.. Before I found out that he is a sucky sharer, I preordered your book on the kindle. He found out tonight that I ordered it, and is all mad that I will be hogging the kindle for a few days after it comes out. This is why I need to buy a tape recorder. Evidence is the only way to prove how right, smart, or innocent I am. Also, I might end up with good blackmail material. Probably the second choice is my best argument, since we both already know that I am never wrong.

  80. How much bribery would it take to get a bookplate shipped to Canada? I can see if I can find some strange taxidermied animals for you? Put a mini-Beyonce on a Canadian landmark and take photos?
    Send you my first born?

  81. I am highly anticipating your book, which “drops” on my birthday! This will be the best gift I’ve had in a long time. Keep up the fabulousness. I finally don’t feel so alone in my head…and I just realized I ordered a bookplate after I pre-ordered your book for my Nook. I think I’ll decoupage it onto my coffee bowl (not mug, bowl) so I can remember to read your book every morning.
    And, Happy Birthday Lisa! Were your birthdays always worked around Easter and the first day of Trout Season too?

  82. I went to review your book on Librarything, but it’s only available in the US. When will it be released to those of us in the rest of the world?

  83. i find it no coincidence that your book is being released on “National Cheeseball Day.”

    no coincidence at all.

    can’t wait!

  84. Okay, question? So what about those of us who pre-ordered the Kindle edition? No offense, but we’re feeling kinda left out of the whole “free, signed bookplate” thing. 🙁

  85. I just ran across your blog and have to tell you that you will be my first Blogger to follow. I don’t really get into the blogging thing, but you crack me up!!!! Thanks for the entertainment!
    Mai Lee

  86. I preordered this book.. I can’t wait to read it!
    Please open a Book Blog for when the book comes out!
    I would love to get online and laugh/share moments of this book!!
    And just a note: this world needs more Giant Metal Chickens and Stuffed Weasels!
    Thanks for bringing the fun back!

  87. Gutted not to be able to get a signed bookplate – due to being a reader across the pond in the UK – but SUPER excited to have pre-ordered your book. (I will totally have forgotten all about pre-ordering it when it arrives in the post so I am already excited about getting the best ‘surprise’ ever!) Yours in ardent admiration, the Accidental Londoner.

  88. I wanna signed bookplate!!!!!! Ordering on Amazing… <–typo. I'm ordering on Amazon, but because you are Amazing, I believe I'll allow it. 🙂

  89. Your click here to get a bookplate button is broke 🙁
    I need one since this is the first hardcover book I have ordered in almost 2 years.

    (Try again. It works for me and there are still a few hundred left so it hasn’t been shut down yet. ~ Jenny)

  90. Eeek! I just pre-ordered the book and the link for the bookplate won’t work for me either. Wah!!

  91. Are you getting an error message? Will it let you look at the link at all? It’s a google form and I can see it so you should be able to order. I see new names coming in. Just lemme know.

  92. Hi Jenny-

    I just pre-ordered 2 copies of your book through Barnes & noble but the page to fill out for the signed bookplate won’t work? It keeps saying page not found 🙁 Are there still bookplates available?
    Thanks,
    Ali
    @noaliaqui

  93. hello Jennie

    As I write this tears of intense sorrow are running down my face – I pre-ordered your book from Amazon.co.uk and they have just told me that they have cancelled my order as their suppler is not going to send them any copies! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? Us dodgie pale faces in Blighty need your wisdom too!

    devastated
    fleur

  94. sobbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb! Why has Amazon.co.uk just cancelled my pre-order of your book? what can I do? Are there any other options for obtaining it outside of the US?

  95. Hi Jenny! I pre-ordered your book, which is kind of a cool thing, because when I do that, I usually forget I did by the time I get it and then it’s like whoa! Presents!
    I would love a book plate, and I can’t seem to press the button properly to get to where I show that I ordered it. I don’t know if *I* Have The Dumb, or my computer does…

    Grats on the book! Take care, you…

    Best;
    DW

  96. Hi from the UK, Jenny. Long have I loved your blog. No-one can make me laugh (and sometimes cry) like you! So I pre-ordered your book in a frenzy of excitement! But amazon.co.uk have just written to say it’s been cancelled! If I’d had a camera I’d have got someone to take a picture of the moment that I married the Juanita Weasel pose with the Calculon ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOOooooo!’ despairing cry in some kind of bizarre TV cartoon/vintage taxidermy mash-up. Can I please add my plea to those of the other bereft UK people above for advice on how to get hold of the book? I haven’t been this disappointed since discovering that William Shatner wasn’t real… 🙁

  97. Apparently the book wasn’t supposed to be available in the UK because no one had the rights to it but now Picador in the UK will be offering it so you’ll be able to reorder it again soon. It’s good that they caught it now rather than later, I suppose.

  98. Pre-ordered your book in January, can’t wait to read it and would love the bookplate.

  99. sweet – cheers lovely – will be checking amazon daily till they pop your book back on sale – better still have Hamlet von Schnitzel on the cover!

  100. I think I pre ordered the book…my iPad closed my browser! Yes, I said iPad ERROR. It isn’t perfect. I wonder if the apple people will find this and remove it,,,

  101. I almost used zombies to teach my child about Easter, but I wanted to avoid a nasty note from the Christian daycare. I’m glad someone else is questioning the whole thing too.

  102. I may be drunk or stupid (well, I’m actually both) but, when does the book actually come to my local Indie bookseller? As much as I love Amazon for the hard-to-find soft-core gay tv series (hello! Dante’s Cove) and other hard-to-find things (hello, Buffy action figures) I really like to buy my hardcover books from actual people. Plus, I can talk their ears off about the author and make them sell more books…
    Just looking for the release date so I can pester the locals.
    THX.

  103. i just finished readingan advanced copy of your book. I highly recommend it to people as I laughed out loud at Jenny’s bent outlook on life and zombies. Love your friendship with Laura.

  104. I’m going to win a copy of your book because I live in Canada! I’ll let you know if I do indeed win, and if I do, I will look for Nathan Fillion and whap him upside the head with it. I’ll be sure to wrap it in twine first.

  105. I so wanted/tried to pre-order this for my Kindle Fire. Amazon will not let me. I am deemed unworthy. (I think it is because I am Scottish.) They will however let me buy it once it is released?!?!? They just refuse to let me pre-order it. I have set an alarm on my Kindle to buy it as soon as it is released.

    Amazon can be as odd, random, weird, bizarre, and unfathomable as girls are.

    Unless of course they will not let me pre-order it for $12.99 because they are going to charge me $25.95 on release date and say I should have pre-ordered it. If this is what they do. I totally have them fathomed………….shallow…………..very very shallow.

  106. One of the perks of working at a book store (BAM) is that I get to peek at the advanced copies sent to the store. As soon as I saw the book with little mouse on the front today, I knew I HAD to read it. It is literally the most HILARIOUS book I have ever read in my life. Ever. Plus, it makes me feel a bit better about my own fucked up childhood, so thanks! (and thank you, dad, for never trying to make me eat my deer sweater..)

    I’ve actually only read the first two chapters. I can’t wait to finish it (I’m positive it will only take about a day. I CANNOT put it down. I advise those who have pre-ordered it to also invest in a pack of adult diapers.)

    I sincerely hope that you wander through Tennessee sometime for a book signing. I have the copy of your introduction letter to Books-a-Million that was tucked between the pages of the book. I am keeping it. I might frame it. It is a literary masterpiece! I only wish I could have it autographed. 🙂

  107. Dude. Your book is hysterical. I work at a bookstore and we get advanced reads of books before they come out. Publishers send books not yet published to get booksellers to read them and help sell copies when the book does eventually come out.

    Because of you I have a new daily concern about peeing my pants on the bus to and from work.

    Fucking awesome!

  108. YOU GOT TO READ IT ALREADY!!! And I can’t pre-order the darn thing.
    Amazon is getting a punch in their gentleman’s area.

  109. I was torn on whether to preorder or hold out until I am employed again. Then you said my favorite word “free” so I had to preorder to get my free autographed nameplate. Done and done! Now I get to eagerly await packages in the mail, which is my second favorite thing. Hooray!

  110. I’ve waited ELEVEN YEARS for this book and you start selling it 16 days after I get back from vacation? Wow, rude. It’s like I don’t even know you. I thought you would make sure it was avail to me early.

    Also, I’m still buying it, but maybe I won’t read it until I go on vacation again. Just to prove a point.

  111. *bookplate
    Bookplate not nameplate! Gah! Why do I try typing things within the first 2 hours of being awake.
    (this is a correction of my earlier comment because I am neurotic and this would have made me insane by the end of the day if I hadn’t at least attempted to make the correction)

  112. I love your blog and am so excited to see your book finally available for preorder.

    What an accomplishment! Congrats. I can’t wait to read it!

    Love & twine.

  113. What do I want with another book, Jenny? I already *have* a book. It’s awesome. I read it again and again, but mostly because my ADD-addled mind can’t help giggling at the pop-up characters when I open it up. Plus, I haven’t finished colouring it yet.

    Nevermind. I pre-ordered it – but only because you told me too. I like how being on the internet means I never have to make my own decisions. People tell me what to do and I do it. It’s fun. Right now I’m getting ready to help out this other guy whose father died. He needs help in transporting the bulk of his estate over here to Canada. So there’s that – plus I get to meet a celebrity! He’s the son of the Nigerian prince. How awesome is that?

  114. mine has been pre ordered for 3 months! can’t wait! i plan to read it on the toilet (a) bc i’m sure it’s filled with bathroom & vagina humor, (b) i’m not gonna accidentally pee my pants even alittle, not again.

  115. *cue meme photo* I don’t usually pre-order books… but when I do, it’s for the Bloggess so I can get a free bookplate.

  116. @theBloggess, I pre-ordered your book, unless I screwed up and ordered it three times, in which case, Mashfika! (Portuguese/Hawaiian exclamation meaning “more for me!” albeit probably spelled wrong.)

  117. Just leared that it’s “mais fica” and indeed means “more for me!” The Internet is magic, as we know from Matthew Broderick’s spoon!!

  118. This is my first ever comment on here and I’m kinda nervous.

    Just wanted to say that A) you are awesome B) though I follow you on Twitter and read the Blog, it was a tweet from a Canadian publisher which led me here, which, as a Canadian, I find kinda awesome (see A) and B) how do manage to find yourself amongst so many whose work I admire? You have Wil Wheaton collating paper, Simon Pegg holding Twine (which totally blew my mind as he is a Geek God to me until…) you got a freaking book blurb from Neil Gaiman! I’m literally gobsmacked. I dunno if you how you’re gonna top that, but I’m nearly certain you will.

    I’m way to poor to pre-order a book but I would love to read it. I will scout it at a book store once released if I have any unexpected knitwear sales or I’ll try and find it at the library. It has made my list of must reads which, because of my financial circumstances and love of physical copies of things, has become a difficult list to gain a space on.

  119. I just realized your book comes out on my birthday.
    Now I won’t forget to buy it…or have someone buy it for me.
    MWAHAHAHAHA

  120. If Hunter S. Thompson invented “Gonzo Journalism”, I would venture to say The Bloggess has forged the path in “Gonzo Blogging”.

  121. i am a bookseller and got an advanced copy. this is flat out hilarious in so many ways! laughed out loud so many times that i had to catch my breath! what a way with words… absolutely phenom!!

  122. I love the incredibly dramatic mouse on your cover. He reminds me of a terribly sick joke we played on our child shortly after her beloved hamster, Rosco, passed away. We were cleaning the garage and happened across a squished flat dehydrated mouse. Ooooohh. What do we do with it? Let’s spray it gold and make an ornament out of it! So our poor child comes home and bursts into tears because she thinks we have spray painted Rosco and hung him on a nail in our garage. (We told her he had run away. I guess the rat was out of the bag then, huh? )

  123. I fear getting this book. I am already forbidden to read anything that jiggles the bed because I am laughing so hard. But then sneaking off to a dark corner to read in the soft glow of my goofy-assed e-reader is an acceptable outcome (my preccccciiiiooooussssss). So it’ll happen. TAKE MORE OF MY MONEY DAMN YOU WOMAN.

  124. I already preordered my book through amazon when u first told us about it, can i still get a wrist band????
    Ps I can’t freakin’ wait to read it and REALLY give my hubby a reason to think we’re both crazy as i read it and laugh like a hieana! hehehehehe Thanks

  125. I just went to Amazon to pre-order your book (and was excited that I could still receive a book plate – sorry about your hands falling off). I keep meaning to order it and forgetting…growing old, constantly forgetful, procrastinating or all of the above. What do you know? I ordered it way back in November!!! I actually pre-ordered TWO because I have to send one to one of my dearest friends who introduced me to you. Well, not you personally, your blog – namely Beyonce! Thank you for making me laugh, cry, gaffaw, reflect, snicker and remind my husband that I could have bought more towels! (I DO have a shopping addiction so he is lucky I haven’t bought my own metal chicken…or more towels for that matter!!!)

  126. Just ordered my copy and I’m excited to read it! I love reading your blog, and can’t wait to read your book. Filled out the form for my bookplate and goofed, putting tomorrow’s date. Hoping I can still get a bookplate to go with my swanky new book!

  127. I pre-ordered a couple weeks ago for the Kindle version. Am I too late to get a nameplate? If I am, I’ll only cry a bit. I’ll have the book and that’s most important.

  128. Is it too late to get a bookplate? I was only just able to pre-order. I can’t wait to get my book….

  129. Ok, so if I pre-order on Amazon, do I get one of the last-ever samples of your handwriting on a bookplate? 🙂

  130. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny…How happy I am that you are a fellow Texan just up the highway and not too far from me! (But not in a stalker-y way. Well, um…not REALLY in a stalker-y way. Just sort of.)
    Anyway, please tell us you’ll have a big ol’ Texas book signing at your local DQ because if you do, I will totally be there to bask in your awesomeness! OH, and please bring Beyonce to said DQ book signing. I’d love to sit in her shadow and slurp down a Flamethrower and a Coke.

  131. Money being as tight as it was i FINALLY was able to pre-order a copy for a friend and myself. So two copies coming my way! How do I get a bookplate?

  132. Ok, you got me. I was going to wait until it came out, but i have been worn down (in a good way) and preordered the book. Now I am going to bug you until I get it. I am horrible with presents. If I know I have one coming, I cannot think of anything else. Damn it. Now I need to go up my meds….

  133. Hey, are there any bookplates left? I just ordered your book and would love one if you have one. Otherwise, I’ll cope. I’ll just sit in the dark singing Beyonce songs…

  134. Hmm I pre-ordered the hard copy after contemplating whether or not I wanted the electronic or hard copy. I couldn’t decide! I wish we got an electronic version after buying a hard copy. Just like you get a digital version of your movie when you buy a DVD. Anyways… after finally making my decision I don’t see where to sign up for my bookplate? Can’t wait to laugh my ass off reading this book.

  135. Yay! Keeping my fingers crossed. I really hope that I have money in my bank account when we find out about the bookplates! 😛

    (also….it made me giggle that you said they expired. I’m picturing a big stack of moldy, stinky bookplates. hehe)

  136. oh man I thought I could resist this book, but then I read the HR excerpts and totally went and pre-ordered it right away. I’m always like that. Any freebie and I’ll miss the deadline by 3 days.

  137. I ordered the book just now!! Yea!! Hopefully, there are a few bookplates left!!! I can’t wait for the book to arrive.

  138. Just ordered your book and can’t wait to read it. Hope there are a few more bookplates left!

  139. Jenny,
    I just got back and pre-ordered your book, is it too late to sign up for the bookplate? I hope not :). If I still have time, can you please tell me what I need to do? Thanks!

  140. I just ordered! I can’t wait to get it!!! I would love a bookplate if they are still available!

  141. If there are still any bookplates left, I would love one! I just pre-ordered on kindle!

  142. Hi Jenny,
    Is it too late to sign up for a bookplate? And if it isn’t, how do I get about doing that? I am preordering on amazon.ca as i spe– type, and I hope that ordering from Canada’s amazon doesn’t affect this. I’m looking forward to getting my hands on the book! =)

  143. Can anyone provide a link to sign up for the bookplate? I’ve searched all over this page and am not finding it anywhere. Already pre-ordered but want my bookplate! Thanks!

  144. I would love a bookplate if you’ve still got them – I ordered the book yesterday on Amazon. I enjoy your blog, I’ve told everyone I know about Beyonce. Can’t wait to read the book!

  145. Could you just send me a lock of your hair for me to craft into a creepyawesome bookmark for your book? Cause nothing would tickle me more. I’ll send you some of my hair if you want to swap, I mean, if you think a request for a iconic woman’s hair is too weird. Just saying.

  146. I just pre-ordered!!! If any of those wonderfully random yet still supremely awesome nameplates become available, I would love one!!!!

  147. Are there still any bookplates left? I’m such a procrastinator…it would probabaly take me 21 years to write a book!

  148. Is it too late to get a bookplate? I just preordered on Amazon!!
    I wasn’t sure if I wanted it(not sure why, you are freaking hilarious), then the excerpt had me cracking up. So I went right to Amazon and bought it!

  149. I preordered a little while back and yet totally forgot about the bookplates — eep! (well, at least I remembered the important thing) If there’s still a few kicking around, I’d definitely love to get my hands on one. 😀

  150. I didn’t discover your blog until today and I just ordered your book…are there possibly any bookplates left?

  151. I just checked and for Aussie Bloggess lovers Angus&robertson are selling a paperback version, to be released 1/5/12!!!! Wahooooooooo 🙂

  152. Hi Jenny – who does the reading on your audiobook?
    And thanks for your awesome blog, always puts a smile on my face

  153. I can’t find the ridiculously hard to find link to sign up for a book plate.
    I didn’t think I was that stupid, but apparently…

  154. I pre-ordered your book a couple days ago, mostly because I love your writing and you make me laugh on even my worst days, but also because of Wil Wheaton’s tweet about Anne reading it and laughing. And every other good review I’ve already seen. You are totally rocking the first book thing!

  155. I just pre-ordered! I can’t wait! I hope there are still bookplates available. Your hand is probably cramping up at the thought of signing 50,000 more bookplates. But what did you expect? Probably that no one would be interested in your book and that you wouldn’t have to sign any… but that was just a silly thought now wasn’t it? Sign on girlfriend… Sign on! 🙂 Thank you for being such an excellent writer and inspiration!

  156. I just pre-ordered the book for my kindle (which will hopefully work by the time it comes out). Is it possible to still get a book plate for my kindle case? I did not see the link to sign up for one. Probably right in front of my face.

  157. Just pre-ordered the ebook version of your book from Barnes and Noble. I seem to be among the ranks that can’t find the signup link for the bookplate, though.

  158. CONGRATS!! I must tell you that you have become one of our office heros – and we’re all now clamoring for a chance to win a signed copy (we’re librarians and tend to geek out about stuff like that!).

    Sooo excited!

  159. I pre-ordered it for my Kindle Fire after reading the HR excerpt and promptly making my coworker read it as well. If there are any more bookplates around I’d love one. I can’t wait to read the whole thing! 🙂

  160. Crazy HR day and your excerpts made my day. I just preordered it for my Kindle….hpeing more bookplates are available. I am so excited about laughing out loud again!

  161. I pre-ordered a few days ago on Amazon. As you can see, I have a “happy” name. If I get a signed bookplate, especially if it said I was your new BFF, I could change my name to “ecstatic!” or even “uber ecstatic”. I’m not even sure where I sign up for said bookplate, so maybe I should just call it quits and become the first female dwarf to follow Snow White around. Maybe I need help. (I am referring to finding the site to sign up)

  162. I just finished this book about 5 minutes ago and I’m still snorting. With laughter of course. I can’t even tell you how funny this book was. I have never laughed out loud so much in a book in my life! I think I simultaneously snorted, peed my pants, spewed soda out my nose, and made everyone in a doctor’s office waiting room look at me like I was in need of a straightjacket. To anyone who hasn’t ordered this book already – GO DO IT NOW! I was lucky enough to win a copy on http://www.goodreads.com and I’m already salivating waiting for book 2. Jenny Lawson, you are my new hero!

  163. Because you said the winner will be chosen at random, I will save my witty comment for now. Only allowed a certain amount of those per day anyway. Blog is high-larious so looking forward to the book.

  164. Stayed up all night to finish reading it and laughed so hard tears ran down my leg a couple of times. A coupon for a box of Poise should be included with every copy. Or at least the Surgeon General’s warning needs to be printed – discretely, of course – on the jacket somewhere. Oh, and I wanna party with your folks.

  165. oooh oooh i want a bookplate! am I too late? i procrastinate a lot. and i’m lazy. but i did pre-order. or order. or something from amazon that was charged to my credit card. pretty please for a fancy bookplate?

  166. Am I too late for a bookplate? I don’t see a form anywhere on this page. Bummer. That’s what I get for procrastinating. I’m sure I’ll enjoy the book, even if it is totally devoid of bookplate awesomeness.

  167. I am sad, as I most likely have missed the bookplate goodness.
    yet I am happy as I have just pre-ordered the book…

    Hmm…mixed feelings suck donkey balls.

  168. I just pre-ordered from Amazon, I am going to be all impatient and cranky until it arrives! I should have done it earlier so I could have a shiny bookplate, but I don’t like the cranky that ensues when I preorder things.

  169. My aunt Roxie and I are convinced you are our “sista’ by anotha mothuh” and on that note, thought you’d appreciate this excerpt from an actual Groupon ad for trench coats I was checking out today.

    I immediately thought it good fodder for your blog (I included the link below so you can see for yourself). Hope you agree. If nothing else, it may make you smile … as your blog does for us:

    Overview
    Black Rivet and Colebrook trench coats hug torsos in a European-inspired design that’s as timeless as a broken grandfather clock. The outer cotton-blend shell accents curves with a double-breasted front held snug against bodies by matching buttons. Wearers secure their coat with an adjustable belt that can be tied in a knot, fed through a belt buckle, or used as a makeshift lasso during emergencies.

    http://www.groupon.com/ch/goods/deals/gg-dd-womens-trenchcoats?c=dnb&p=7

  170. I pre-ordered WEEKS ago! I really did. BUt am confused about how I get the bookplate? Does it just happen? Is it magic? Where am I supposed to input info? Gah….

  171. I pre-ordered your book today from Amazon, but I didn’t spot a place to request the signed bookplate. Did my eyes just skip right over that option??

  172. i just preordered your book from amazon… does this count as me requesting a bookplate?
    is there a linky i should click or something?

  173. I must know: will there be an audiobook version, and will you narrate it yourself? Please say yes! Pretty please with sugar on top?

    (Yes, and yes. You can preorder it now! ~Jenny)

  174. ACK! Corte Madera IS NOT San Francisco! Don’t make me drive over that damn bridge!

  175. Jenny, you should come to Bumpass, VA. Why? Because seriously, we live in a town (well…a small road with a post office and a stop sign) called Bumpass, VA. How can you go wrong? Or at least, maybe come to Richmond, VA, and us few residents of Bumpass will drive out there to see you.

    (Really….Bumpass…I can’t even give my address to people on the phone without them laughing at me. Honest to god, I was laughed at by a Verizon employee in West Virginia…because Bumpass.)

  176. Is there any chance I can still sign up for a bookplate? Because I’d love one…even though I pre-ordered the Nook version…

  177. If you open the bookplates back up, please sign me up! Have your book all set to come from Amazon. Can’t wait!

  178. Too late for a plate? Pretty please…. I meant to pre-order sooner, but I’m lame. Sorry!

  179. Please come to Pittsburgh on your book tour so I can meet you! I’ll wear sweat pants and we can be chronically depressed and anxious together.

  180. I can’t wait to read the book. I wish you were coming to Columbia, South Carolina!

  181. OMG! I just saw a review of your book in the magazine “Whole Living” as recommended reading. IT’S SO EXCITING!

  182. Dearest Jenny,

    We here in Boston–where you can’t swing a dead cat (sorry Posey) with hitting a Bloggess fan–are heartbroken–HEARTBROKEN, I tell you–that you will not be coming here on your tour! Outside of NYC, maybe, there is no better book town in the country. What can we do to get you to come to us? Stuff one of the Republican candidates for president (except Mitt, who I think has already been to the taxidermist)? Collate more blank paper (we have lots of it here)? Cryogenically freeze Posey when (or if) she finally passes? Whatever it is, we’ll do it. WE LOVE YOU!

    Lawrence

  183. I’ve preordered your book and plan to read it out loud at work, which will be awesome because I work in a 911 dispatch center and if anyone needs to be read to from a book that’s funnier than the Bible, it’s people who have had to call 911 in the middle of the night.

  184. are there those signed bookplate thingys available? because I FINALLY got to preorder my copy. and I WANT one if there are any left.
    either way I have a feeling I will have to buy depends to wear while reading it, because I have mommy bladder and last time I stole a dead body mattress I peed myself.. and this is bound to be FAR funnier than that.

  185. Can’t wait for the book and book tour! Since you’ll be in L.A. that week, if possible, you should try to come out to the LA Times Festival of Books at USC (April 21-22). It’s an amazing event and may get you some additional (well deserved) publicity. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your blogs and for writing this book!

  186. Jenny, I just finally got a chance to pre-order your new book! Can’t wait to read it!! Can we get digital bookplates? 😉 love you and thanks for the laughs!

  187. Thanks for the bookplate! It came today. Waiting for Amazon to send your book. Can’t wait! I don’t live anywhere near where your book tour is going, but I wish you the best of luck and hope you have a great time.

  188. Hey, Jenny. I received an empty envelope from the Penguin Group today. I am pretty sure that it was supposed to include a bookplate with your lovely signature. I did the pre-order thing with Amazon on the day that you offered the bookplates in your blog. It appears that Amazon deleted my pre-order from my account and I just pre-ordered your book again. These two events must have been connected somehow….databases and programmers can be very mysterious. Hope that other Amazon pre-orders are still out there for other folks. Would nice to receive a bookplate in the future….perhaps when you are resting up from your outrageous book tour!?

  189. Jenny, thank you for the signed bookplate. Opening that envelope gave me a reason to smile for the first time in two days. I can’t express how much it means to me and how much I needed it today. Again, thank you!

  190. I pre-ordered your book in October and am heartbroken that I did not receive a book plate!
    🙁 sucks balls

  191. I just pre-ordered it! Sadly I have to wait a few extra days/weeks for it to be shipped to Australia.. Absolutely cannot wait to read it though 🙂 Thanks for introducing me to the phrase “douche-canoe” it really confuses people and is surprisingly usefull!

  192. I have been given cause for an alcoholic slushie thanks to you! I got to watch you startle the world on CNN discussing a Aombie Apocalypse Plan (or ZAP for short) and “lady gardens”, caught up on the article about the 5 mice and alligator (still spewing slushie out of my nose from laughing – thanks) AND I got my autographed book plate in the mail and I can rejoice that your suffering led to my happiness. Lets hope your masticating hand recovers or you at least learn to use the other one. Now I just need my book and my life is temporarily okay and the ass-hats of the world can bite me for a few days as I bask in my radiant joy.

  193. I’m completely sad- I preordered my book through amazon months ago, and it hasnt shipped yet! How will I begin to read it tomorrow? I had fully planned on going into labor (I’m 8.5 months pregnant) the minute I opened it, that way I would be almost uninterrupted while reading it. Now amazon is telling me I have to hold the baby in until the 24th- that’s poppycock.

  194. Ipes! I ordered mine… if there are any book plates left… I’m confuzzled on how to pick one of those up…

  195. So I’m in China for work. It’s exhausting. I haven’t slept more than 4 hours a night for the last 10 nights I’ve been here. And worse than that, I just finished the last of 4 books that I brought with me on my kindle to keep me from going completely mad.

    And I look on my kindle today, and THERE IS YOUR BOOK and THERE IS A GOD BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO LOSE MY DAMN MIND if I had to reread The Hunger Games again.

    Your book and I are going to curl up with a fat glass of scotch tonight and get to know each other. Just, you know, not in a lady garden kind of way. Thank you for writing it, thank you for blogging, thank you for being you.

  196. I’ll be making my way to Target or Barnes and Noble to pick up a copy, but also found out my library is getting a copy as well 🙂

  197. Bought the book last night. This is worth sharing, because I work at a bookstore and could just read it for free, but decided I was willing to shell out some money based on the sheer enjoyment I got from the book jacket alone.

  198. Got my book yesterday and promptly poured a glass of wine and began ignoring my kids to read it. Love, love, love it, and I’ve decided that obviously we were meant to be bff’s seeing as how we’re both crazy and we live in Central Texas.

  199. I ordered a book plate waaaay back when but I have never heard or seen any sign of it since then. Are they still being shipped out?

  200. Ok, So my wife had asked you a while back if you could make a shirst with Coprenicus and “A hug is a strangle you haven’t finished yet.” all together on the same shirt. As the champ you are, you came through and it was the highlight of my christmas gifts and the delight of my spouse for having outdone me. Well, it’s time for a little payback. Her birthday is in August and I’m planning on giving her a copy of the book. I was wondering if there were any bookplates left?

  201. I got my pre-ordered book in the mail yesterday annnnd because I may be REALLY shitty at balancing my checkbook, even after spending 8 years in banking previously, the book really did just about cost the 45 dollars you mention at the end. It. Was. Worth. Every. Penny.

    I finished it already, because I could not put it down. I even read it to my 3 month old when it was time to give her a bedtime story annnnd because my doctor told me children start making memories at 3 months I am sure she will also write an awesome book when she is older about how I emotionally scarred her somehow with the awesome and probably not entirely appropriate for a 3 month oldness of the content.

    Anyway. Love you and your superfabutastic book. Write more! I will wait the next 11 years if I have to to read it….and…it might take that long for me to fix my wonderfully effed checking account.

  202. Today I purchased the Nook version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. While I was ordering it online, it dawned on me….THAT is what came in the mail on Monday….my autographed book plate sticker! When I opened the envelope on Monday and saw a standing weasel with a name scribbled on the paper, it seemed familiar somehow, but I didn’t know what it was. I thought that maybe it was a ransom note, but nothing was missing. So-o-o-o-o-o since our garbage pickup is at 7 a.m. on Wednesdays, and I was online buying your book at 3 p.m. on Wednesday, you can imagine how happy the local landfill is to have your autograph. I, on the other hand, am devastated. I would have loved to put the sticker on my Nook to keep forever.

    I still love you, Jenny!

  203. I have been anxiously waiting for the book & was busy yesterday evening completing assignments early just to have this evening free to purchase it on Kindle and read to my heart’s content. You are the bomb!!

  204. My 2 year old son is going through Chemo treatements. I needed a laugh. I bought your book yesterday at Target. Thank you – I laughed!

  205. Best.Freakin.Book.EVER!!!!! I have laughed so much I may never recover. Thank you BEST FRIEND, Jenny! I can’t thank you enough! Now. Write another one. Please and thank you.

  206. I just got done reading the second chapter of your book and wanted to let you know that cleaning deer, having cisterns, occasionally poisoned/non-existent well water, having to boil water on the stove for a warm bath, raising wild animals (racoons, squirrels, and rabbits here) inside, having your dad use you for better “hunting” opportunities, and living down-wind of what we call “hog sheds” all happen in the rural midwest as well. Although still hilarious, I could identify (either because it happened to me or someone I knew) with your stories and didn’t find them particularly surprising or “what-the-fuck”ing. Although I’m not sure that will make you feel better about your childhood or if it just made me seriously question my entire upbringing. Way to go, Jenny, you just made me realize that I’m probably way more fucked up and weird than I already thought I was! 😉

  207. Eskimo kiss = Gunni (Goo knee)
    Is now Inuit & not Eskimo (just saying) I laugh so hard at the sorta karma that your dad woke up to, what a colorful life. The book is well worth the purchase & more.

  208. I hate your book. I took it to the hospital with me this morning and was sitting around in a waiting room with some really miserable looking people, and there’s me, trying to laugh silently while Gabi wakes your father with a dead raccoon because it seems rude to laugh out loud around folks who clearly did not win the lottery this morning, and soon I was wiping tears out from under my glasses because on top of the whole raccoon thing, I thought I must look like I was having some kind of seizure. And now, I am supposed to be doing about fifteen other totally important things that needed to be done by yesterday, but no. I’m lying around thinking, “Oh, one more chapter won’t be the end of the world.” But we all know how the world ends, don’t we? That’s right. *whimpers*

  209. Are the book plates all gone?!?!? I was offline for Lent and I come back and everyone is all “I’m getting a Bloggess book plate…” and I’m all… “crap.” So I think I’m being punished… maybe.

    It’s too late isn’t it?

  210. Hey Jenny

    My wife and I love your book. Bought it on our nooks on the 17th.

    My only problem is that the pictures in the ebook are really small. Anyway we could get the pictures posted in their full glory somewhere on here?

    Like the Beyoncé pics. They lose a lot being tiny and b&w. Glad I had seen those before on here.

    Buying the audio book next.

    Thanks

  211. I’m only halfway through and my husband is looking at me with white eyed panic when I pounce on him with all your wonderful gyms. But Honey! (I say) your step dad would’ve totally pulled off that roadkill puppet trick if your mom didn’t catch him!
    P.S. Although I’ve never worn a deer sweater I’ve seen many an animal hung in the garage or spread out on the nice clean dining room table for dissection. Almost makes me a vegan, if it weren’t for the stoic meat addiction (thank you Father!). I’m fairly certain my cat enjoyed the milk bath I sprayed out of my nose over your acid trip experience. No, you are welcome!

  212. I pre-ordered on Barnes and Noble for my Nook and still haven’t received the download 🙁 is there a problem with the electronic version release? I am really hoping to have it before I go into labor (I am 39 weeks pregnant) because it would be best the best thing ever to read in the hospital. Please, if anyone knows how to get it to work, let me know! I keep telling our little one to hold out till the book can be accessed but I don’t know how long she’ll comply…

  213. You just got me kicked off the “quiet car” on the train and I am loving it….Thanks for putting it on paper. I am spreading your book far and wide among my neighborhood of readers. YOU write Like I THINK! I am hooked. OK so I hope noone I know sees this… Get busy cause I am gonna need another book soon…only have a few chapters left! Thanks for the great book!

  214. I am reading, “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”. In an early chapter you mention breaking your neck (rupturing a disk) while brushing your hair, going to the ER and having the docs hand you pamphlets about spousal abuse. They asked you what did you do that he broke your neck. Well, you are not alone. I “broke my neck” drying my hair with a towel. At the ER they asked my wife, “What did he do that made you break his neck?” She said, “Which time?” They gave me pamphlets about anger management. And they want to know why I like Darvocet so much.

    Can’t win.
    M

  215. Hey!! Why is my last comment, “Awaiting moderation”? I didn’t say the F word (like you do, and I work in cursing like Picasso worked in oils). And I didn’t call Texans douche bags!

  216. Just finished reading your book and I absolutely loved it. I literally laughed until I cried, and then peed a little. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I can’t wait for the next one!

  217. I should probably not have started reading this over dinner. I got rice in my nose.

    I’m only on page 89, because I have laughed myself into half a dozen asthma attacks so far.

  218. MY COPY ARRIVED THIS WEEKEND. I didn’t realize what it was at first, I was like, “oh, another Amazon package” so I didn’t open it for two days because I order way too much stuff from Amazon, and then, BAM! I opened it and there it was, in all of its pre-ordered glory. I have been waiting for this for a small eternity (so it feels) and I am SO! EXCITED! to dive in! yayyyyy!!

  219. Im 16 and I’ve recently been seeing therapist and psychologist about my anxiety and I’ve also been reading ur book. I just wanted to thank you for helping me through everything latly. I tried to hide my anxiety for a long time and then I moved from a small Tennessee ( much like wall not like a real wall but the place ur from in the sense that it’s tiny and well we have a school, gas station, and mail place. And dirt….. And my child hood was a bit like urs well less blood….. ) but anyway uve helped me realize that im not the only one like me. Im not the only person that has severe anxiety…. And ur book has helped me look back at some of my worst anxiety related things and laugh at it rather than dwell on them than let them ruin me. I have a broken filter at times or I don’t say anything at all and im happy to find that im not the only one….. But back to earlier. I moved to new York and I’ve had multiple anxiety and panick atacks and I’ve bin getting a little better with the combination of xanex an ur writings. Im very grateful that u could share ur story and help ppl like me and let ppl laugh…. i tryed to edit out most of my rembleing… Just like u said in ur book about emails how its easyer than person to person is very much true or this conversation would have been odd and uncomfortable with my mind blurting out things that I can actually edit out on here like thing about my dog…. My sisters ocd and looks she gives me when I rant…. Thing about how my friends are semi understanding…. My fathers anxiety and my mothers ocd… Things about horese, birds,escalators,elevators,ladybugs and much more… Ugh what was I saying…. Oh ok well. But if u read all ur comments or not I can’t blame u if u don’t because that take slots time and ur on ur book thing and u need a ron for ur ermionie… And ur daughter and ur husband….. I hope u read this so u can know how much uved helped me. And how much uve mad me and my family laugh in hard times….. Byee

  220. I purchased your book on amazon the other day and it arrived on Friday. I tore open the package and exclaimed “I’m so excited!” My husband looked at me and said (in a very I’m so clever fashion) “Why because you got a book with a mouse on the cover?” I then went on a nice long speech about how awesome this book was and it was JUST a mouse, and on and on, hubby rolled his eyes and continued watching baseball. I began reading it and I read half the book. At several points I actually laughed out loud, but realizing it was 2 a.m. and my hubby was sound asleep next to me so I tried to stifle my laugh and it it turned into this horribly sexy muffled snort.

    Thank you Bloggess for helping me sound so sexy in bed!

    Love the book! can’t wait to finish the last of it today, then I will proudly display it on my bookshelf and encourage others to go buy it!

  221. I’M COMING TO YOUR HOUSTON TOUR SPOT AT BLUE WILLOW TOMORROW AND I’M SO EXCITED YAY CAPSLOCK!

    Also, Blue Willow is letting me bring my own wine. Mmmmmm wine.

  222. Ummm Jenny? I don’t think I can read your book. I stopped breathing when I got to page 27………..I was laughing so hard, I couldn’t breath. There should be a warning label or something…………just sayin’! Also, my son keeps saying, “Jesus is a zombie!”. How do I explain that at religious education next Sunday? I’m feeling better now………….I may try one more page………….or finish the book. You rock!

  223. Okay, so I just finished the book. It reminds me of the bulletin board at college just before break, where you troll for someone to share gas with in order to make it the long distance home as cheaply as possible. After several hours of travel, you are sure that you have hitched a ride with a serial killer. More hours into the trip, you are sure this gal is going to be your BEST… FRIEND… EVER! After all is said and done, your book is kind of a hardback case of Stockholm Syndrome. It drew me in and mesmerized me until all of the information you shared sounded quite logical and even rational. Scary. And fun.

  224. I am in the middle of reading your book and I wanted to say thanks. I’m in the chapter about anxiety and not having girlfriends. Explains how I feel exactly. Most girls think if you don’t have girl friends it’s because you secretly want to steal their boyfriends or that you are untrustworthy. Nope, I’m just too random and socially awkward to get to rules and understand what to do or say.
    The little man in my head (a neurotic gatekeeper of my words) either lets every weird thing I think out or grabs everything and I sit there mute. Neither good for making friends.
    Although not fun to deal with, its nice to know I’m not alone in my whirling anxious head. I guess I am really alone in my head but my head has a missing twin? or something

  225. So I have no idea how your site ended up on my computer all the way here in Afghanistan but I am so fucking grateful it did. Perhaps it had some thing to do with rattle snake hugs. I have only know of your existence for 10 minutes but your book shall be mine very shortly. I think it may be the very thing to get me through this deployment. High-five Copernicus for me, every one should own a leper monkey and I’m sad I don’t. Any ways, thanks for your glory. Just wanted you to know from your newest fan.

  226. Jenny- Finished the book yesterday. Well, I finished listening to you reading your book to me yesterday. LOVED IT!! I’ve spread the word and already know of 4 people who have purchased because of my recommendation. I’ll be expecting a referral fee check in the mail. Thank you, in advance. Seriously… Thanks for writing this book. Loved every second of it. 🙂

  227. I just finished your book last night. After my husband kicked me out of bed because I was apparently shaking the bed because I was laughing so hard. I told him at least I was being quiet about it. And hey, I wasn’t the one showing our eight year old son pictures of strippers earlier. Hes SAYS it was logging macheinery. Yeah right! So I took my book to the living room. But I WON! (Somehow….)

  228. I am determined to get my copy despite the USPS attempt to NOT deliver my book! I have already had to hide my book template you signed…my kids are obsessed with the “sticker” and want to adhere it to the nearest surface. I will be damned if my postal carrier won’t go down for this one…was delivered on Friday…but WAS IT??!! I never received it. I JUST WANT MY BOOK PEOPLE!!

  229. Hey…uhm. So this is a tetch awkward but…I pre-ordered your book through B&N and somehow in my innocence thought I’d get a blook-plate but it arrived today and I am plateless. Any advice?

  230. I just got your book (and can’t wait to read it!), and also a very cute but completely empty envelope from Penguin Group, which I assume was supposed to contain a signed book plate, but sadly, it doesn’t. Also I don’t think I can make it to your book signing when you’re near Dallas in two days, which really, really, really sucks because I have this short list of People I Would Stalk if I Were the Stalker Type (don’t worry, I’m not), and you’re totally on it, but you’re also on my very, very, very short list of famous people I actually want to meet and perhaps even say things to. In fact you’re pretty much the only person on that list. Except I probably wouldn’t say anything because nobody can ever hear me and when I’m nervous I freeze up and can’t think of anything to say, and then people think I’m slow and do that thing where they tilt their heads and look at me all concerned and ask if I’m ok, and why don’t I smile? So you’re actually very lucky I can’t make it.

    Good luck with the rest of the tour! Should I contact Penguin Group about the book plate?

  231. Reading your (audio)book right now, and you sound JUST LIKE I imagined you would from your blog. Scary, isn’t it? LOVING the book… and your delivery is perfect (although you do sound like you have a bit of a scratchy throat, but I can totally identify with that, since I used to have to read my blind exhusband’s student’s papers to him when he was teaching).

  232. I’ve been reading your blog for a long time but have never actually commented. I just wanted to let you know that I absolutely loved your book. Thank you for all the times that you have made me laugh (and cry), and thank you for being so unapologetically yourself. I have several of your posts bookmarked for the days when I just want to curl up in a corner and hide from the world; thank you for being part of the reason that I don’t.

  233. I’ve never laughed so hard reading a book in my life! I can’t imagine anyone NOT laughing like crazy but find myself thinking maybe I’m crazy that I get this so much! Your gift is a God send~!

  234. Even though I had never heard of you, I bought your book because it has that cute mouse on the cover wearing a ruffled collar and cape and standing up on its little back legs, which makes it really super cute. I’m only on page 12 but I have a few comments/friendly suggestions:

    P. 1-2: I don’t think it’s that big of a deal that your dad threw you out of a moving car. MY dad threw me out of a moving TRUCK. Yep. One of those humongous 18-wheelers that you have to use a ladder to climb into. Like you, I grew up in Texas where, as I’m sure you know, throwing your offspring from a moving vehicle is horse-play, not child abuse.

    P. 10: I’m a member of PETA and I think it’s cruel to use hot glue on a deer. Hot glue can burn the sensitive skin of a deer and I bet rubber cement would work just as well*.

    P. 12: Regarding vomit, blood, and the use of bowls…your husband is WAY wrong. What planet did that bozo come from? But in my house, we prefer the term “barf bowl” to “vomit bowl”. It’s catchier and we found that it brings a bit of fun to a normally unpleasant subject. You should try it. Maybe your husband will be more receptive when he realizes how fun it can be to say “barf bowl”.

    As for the review from Jesus on the back of the book and specifically how to tell your hairdresser, Jesus, apart from the other Jesus… you could also note that the other Jesus couldn’t do a decent highlight job to save his life. However, I have heard that he did wonders with nails. (personally, I remain a bit of a Doubting Thomas)

    *I’m not really a member of PETA. But in case I ever join, what color bow do you use?

  235. Penguin Group is sending me another envelope; hopefully one that is occupied by a signed book plate this time. 🙂

    I’ve only read one chapter so far but I love it and have already laughed my head off. Which makes it kind of hard to read the rest . . .

    That’s a bad joke. You’re welcome.

  236. This is only one of several thousand comments on your blog, but I felt I should share it just in case this is the message you need to hear today, just as you so often yours is the message people need. Not that what anyone else thinks matters, but in this case I happen to be right so listen up. You are a wonderful, hilarious, and inspirational person, writer, and AUTHOR, and you deserve every iota of praise and success you receive! Congratulations and much love to you, your family, your editor, and your fanbase.
    PS- I started laughing in the parking lot reading the back of your book!

  237. I accidentally stumbled across your book on Kindle cause hey its on the Kindle best seller list. Yay! I haven’t actually read your blog before. It must have been some horrendous oversight or weird censoring thing IDK. You might never read this so does it really exist? LOL. Have fun on tour and have a safe trip home! Oh and I laughed so hard that I think I ruptured a kidney so I am totally suing you for medical bills. HaHa JK. Or am I?

  238. I came by your website by accident, not really sure how I found it, was looking for ideas on PVC games and how to make them, so really not sure how I landed here, but I did share something on my fb page that I found on your site, and then I started reading about your book, and I cannot wait to be able to get it. So I landed here and printed the picture so I do not forget it and know what to look for when I go to B&N’s when I get paid. From everything that I have read from all your followers and fans, it is a Definate book on my list to read and more than likely on my daughters.
    Hugs and God Bless you for being able to write about all.
    Dana

  239. Hi Jenny,

    Absolutely loved your book. Really…so many weird looks from strangers in restaurants and from my son in the living room when I would snort in laughter or spray wine across the table. My favorite mix of humor layered over the real pain of life. Check out my new blog, which you helped inspire..yeah, I credit you! Look forward to reading the rest of your writing and thank you for the laughs!

    Lily

  240. Okay, so today I just found your everything. You, I guess. Got here from my pal bradmesser.com who claims to be recently hooked on you. He always finds good stuff and shares, as friends do. (I would say “good shit” — but then you’d think I was just trying to ingratiate myself with you stylistically, which is ridiculous because I don’t even know what ‘ingratiate’ means. Something to do with dry cheese over pasta I think.) THAT said, now I’m vamping, but only to concur with Brad that you are one addictive little vixen. Not you personally, though I could believe that. All the drug references have to be inspired somehow. Unless they’re gratuitous, which I believe is like ‘ingratiate’ only the dry cheese is free. So the next thing I guess is to bookmark you…aaaand…there, that’s done. As Harlan Ellison would say, you write a good stick. (You’d like Harlan, one of the original don’t-give-a-shit speculative fiction aces.) And…scene.

  241. One last thing. I’m a geezer. So for your younger readers to fully grasp what I’ve written above, please just read every declarative sentence aloud as if asking a question. Upendings rule?

  242. I got to your blog and info on your book through onaclaireday.wordpress.com and can’t wait to read your book. How could I not with those first two endorsers being two of my favorite authors? Well played.

  243. I adore you. I want to buy your book, but I can’t. I am stymied. I wanted a book plate, but I wanted a nook copy. And even though (I think) all the book plates are gone because I wasn’t paying attention, I feel like, if I get a book book, I could maybe someday get it autographed, even tho I was to afraid to go to the city to see you in New York. So I am paralyzed with dreams of a laminated book plate velcroed to the back of my nook driving even nuttier than i already am. Obsessed I tell you, yes, this concept.

  244. Well you did ask me to pretend with you. I DID! I’m kindof a writer in my own mind so I bought your book, started to read it, and got side tracked cause I figured “if she can do it why can’t I?” So I started. I also couldn’t think of a better title, so I kinda revised yours (aka added a word in all caps) I am also a fan of not getting sued, you wont sue me for that…I hope. Well I figured, if you saw this, you might wanna check it out. If you still saw this and didn’t wanna check it out I figured you might wanna know that your crazy childhood inspired me! lalala DUCKS CHICKENS AND IRONMAN

  245. Loving the book. Got really sad last night when I realized I’d almost reached the end. You have lived a truly wondrous life full of strange amazing and sometimes sad adventures. Thank you for sharing with us. You rock.

  246. Howdy! I just wanted to let you know that i finished the book last night. I would have finished it earlier if the bookstore had had it back in early march like i had wanted, but no, they said ‘uh we don’t have that yet’. I was not prepared to laugh as hard as i did since i don’t think i’ve ever almost died laughing from anything before. A heart attack probably would have occurred if it was even one page longer. You probably did research into just how much laughter a person could take before keeling over.

    Thank you thank you thank you <3
    Jen

  247. I was reading it tonight. And then I was laughing so hard I snorted. And then I laughed so hard I cried. And then my dog started barking at me because I was laughing so hard. And since she woke up to bark at me, she noticed our reflections in the windows (because it’s dark and I don’t have curtains) and she started barking at herself and my reflection self. And all the while, I was just laughing my ass off in an empty house, with a roll of toilet paper on my lap to blot my tears. The end.

    Undermedicated badger. Of course.

  248. “…but then the not-Thundercat started getting all shouty.”

    Best sentence ever. Ever.

  249. Soooooo happy we have this book available in New Zealand .. looking forward to reading it … and laughing out loud 🙂

    Love your blog and your posts make my day ..seriously ..

  250. I bought the audiobook for a long car ride. Bad idea, I laughed so hard at the chapter on Stanley the magic squirrel I was afraid I would drive off the road.

  251. My daughter and I attended your book signing in Houston and listened to you read between the dumpsters. It’s okay, when she was in high school, I took her to The Vagina Monologues. “Slow down!” is indeed good advice. My family would enjoy the audio version of your book, if you choose to send us one. Thanks.

  252. Love you. You are my daily ray of sunshine. Would love the book if chosen. Will still love you if not.

  253. also why is font for uk cover so much cooler You just like the brits better :'(

  254. Um. Seriously I can’t remember writing this.? I must have because I work in HR, wear glasses, have one child and not that I’ve ever asked him a husband that is potentially long suffering, well he does tell me to grow up on a regular basis and often just leaves the room when I speak My dad has brought home sheep, goats, ducks trout to live in our pool, a horse but at least he has never used any as a puppet. Although when I was 17 my great aunt gave me a squirel hand puppet that looks like a second hand merkin – I’ve had a lot of good times with that squirrel and after 18 years I still have it

    Any way I plan to buy a gazillion of your/my books for birthday and Christmas presents and personally autograph them.

    Thanks for making the writing bit easy for me and my autoimmune diseases

  255. I love it! Blame everything on the autoimmune stuff! True– who can challenge it? Like,”Look, I’m sorry that I ddin’t pay that bill and the water got shut off again, but it is the INFLAMMATION! Jeez, give me a break!” I will be looking at the swollen joints in my feet a whole new way now.

    Lily

  256. You really should create a “like” button linking to Facebook page for LPTNH that has all the information about the book. The only one I can find has absolutely no information on it. It also helps you fans link people to it when we mention it in a status update. If we link the one that exists now…people just come to a page that says “no information has been provided” and that won’t help anyone.
    It’s just a thought…but I really want lots of people to know about this book so you have the backing to do another.

  257. Jenny, girl you rock! You had me laughing at work (sneaking reading), at home in the bathroom, and late into the night under the covers. The style of writing is so personal and scattered and hilarious! You are very smart, smart-assy (spell check hates me too) as well as bat shit crazy! I LOVE your stuff,
    Signed
    A fellow blogger and single 40-something Mom who is writing a book about sexual freedom and breaking bad while working full time, raising two beautiful kids and finding time for hunting cougar prey!

  258. That book is AWESOME! I’m ready for book two. No rush. Just whenever. Really. I mean, I AM out of stuff to read; but I don’t want to rush awesomeness the second. So, I’ll just sit here and wait. You just let me know when you’re ready for me to pre-buy/buy the next one. And you can use ‘Awesomeness The Second’ for your title. I won’t even ask for credit. Because you probably already thought of that title anyway. Because you’re awesome.
    BTW – my four year old critter recently discovered this word – it’s called awesome. As a result, I might be guilty of overusing this kind of annoying word. But, at least I’m not overusing coconuts. That was the last great word he discovered.

  259. Is there a way to get a signed copy if you live somewhere that is nowhere near civilization or a place where you’re going to be?

  260. Wow. I’m struggling to finish it because I keep laughing so hard that my contacts are floating around too much to read the text. So I have to pace myself. You know – read, wipe away the tears, read some more, press the damp Kleenex to my eyes and then remember that it hurts to press hard plastic against your eyeballs, cry because I’m an idiot who’s just scratched her corneas… it’s a grueling cycle. But totally worth it. I have over 20 years in HR, so of course everyone in the book seems totally normal to me, but you understand that. I’ve always said that for my “semi-retirement” I’m going to write a book called “You Can’t Make This Shit Up,” because, seriously, you just can’t. I figured I could let each of my friends have a chapter or two. Now I have to tell them all that you’ve covered the penis pictures and Mad-Libs applications, but there’s so much more fertile land to cultivate that I think we’re still okay.

    Thanks so much for this book. Brilliant. Seriously brilliant.

  261. I am totally loving your book. I feel so much better about my own psycological issues, Thank you so much!!
    My husband likes it too but is just less gushy about it.
    You are awesome & don’t ever forget it.

    Ps I’m glad I’m not the only person worried that my dead pet is going to turn into a souless zombee that is going to attack me. I seem to think it will happen at night which totally sucks since I get home @ 1am.

    Stay awesome: )

    Tlyndal

  262. I am totally loving this book and thank you for the autographed book! Your mom is a joy to work with! Your book has brought back repressed memories (lol) my dad used to bring home critters too (mostly alive) and he would say Do you want what’s in my hand or in my pocket? You never new if it was a baby rabbit or a horney toad! I’m only reading a chapter a day because I want to make the book last. Thank you Jenny!

    Brenda

  263. OMG…..i can’t stop laughing! I read parts of your book to my husband and he is sure I see myself in your stories. He is in Houston all the time for work (oilfield) and we live in South Louisiana…..we will look for you….not in a creepy, stalker way, promise. I too, suffer with depression and it is baffling. I too, have a very sensible, objective husband and bring “excitement” into his sensible world. I too, have had words with my hubby after a dinner party argument with a client’s wife that what she was eating “WAS NOT A PICKLE”…..I was correct, but she was the client and i’m not supposed to argue with clients. I too, get lost and call him to guide me home (and I have nav system in my car). I have plenty of girlfriends but keep them at arm’s length except a few. and I have a fake feathered ROOSTER (before beyonce came to your door!) that each of my 4 kids move around the house at any given time. I noticed it hanging from the foyer chandelier after a baby shower with 80 guests…..and a deer mount in my living room that occasionally appears to change clothes, hats and even lets the rooster roost on his antlers from time to time. I am half way through the book and don’t want it to end. Thank you for keeping me entertained as I cater to my insomnia at 2 then 3 then 4 am.

  264. I just spent the entire day listing to your audible version of your book and I LOVED IT!!!!!. Your randomness reminds me of conversions with my best friend and I would be love to be at a party with you to trade non-sequiters (cant spell that one)…. please write another one soon…in the mean time I’m going to go listen again and see if I can find that one thing that might offend me I haven’t found it yet…

  265. Thank you for this wonderful book! And you should thank me because I got it on Audible, which I understand earns more money for you. I went on Audible looking for memoirs to read for inspiration, as I fell there is one or more in me hiding somewhere struggling, despite my best efforts, to stay put. I was in a funk and taking my 46-year-old, failure-to-launch self too seriously. Thanks for helping me to lighten up and laugh out loud!

  266. Ok, so I’m halfway through, and I had to stop because I was laughing so hard I was crying. The diaper in the swimming pool thing totally happened to me, except the person walking into the room and then running away wasn’t a friend, it was a complete stranger…..I just can’t decide if I want to read faster to see what happens next or slower so it’ll last longer……plus, Neil Gaiman? I’m so jealous right now….I wish he had something that awesome to say about me……….

  267. Loving the book! It really should come with a warning though, that it’s not suitable to be read while breastfeeding – I laughed so much my poor baby had to clamp down really hard just so he wouldn’t be shaken off, and now my nipples really, really hurt.

  268. I love love love the book. I received it on Friday from Amazon and have been reading chapters as I get a chance through the weekend. I read today at lunch in the office kitchen and the girls reading Fifty Shades were giving me the stink eye because I was laughing loudly and wiping my eyes continuously over chapter – “The Psychopath on the Other Side of the Bathroom Door”. Then they also asked if they could read my book when I was done 🙂

  269. I just finished your book and I wanted to say “thank you”. Thank you for giving a voice to all of us who refer to Easter as Zombie Jesus Day. Thank you for so skillfully describing GAD and the social awkwardness that comes in group settings (who knew that discussing your abnormal fear of parasites isn’t “polite dinner conversation” and that telling others that you regularly Febreeze your grandmother while she’s sleeping is always met with absolute silence—likely at the brilliance of the idea). And thank you for letting me know there are others.

    As someone that feels that “stabby” is a legitimate emotion, I found myself nodding along and saying “yes, yes, I’ve totally done that!” Couple that with almost demented laughter and you’ve got yourself a real winner. My boyfriend hasn’t learned Victor’s face-palm and is still telling me how asinine my topics of conversation are. I think he refuses to see the lunacy of everyday life. His loss.

    Also, I’m in HR and have been for a little over a decade so I didn’t think “yeah right, way to take poetic license a little too far lady” with your peni (I believe that is, or at least should be, the plural of penis) picture story. We talk about you, us HR folks. On the SHRM HR Talk Boards. Just saying…

    So anyway, thank you. I enjoyed your book and will look forward to the next one.

  270. I have read this book and it is hilarious. I can’t tell you anything about it because I don’t want to ruin your journey of discovery into the mind of this fabulous woman. She makes me feel better about my own, shall we say, idiosyncrasies. I loved every second of it and it was worth every bit of the totally-not-forty-five-dollars that I paid for it!

  271. Hey there!

    We are excited to let you know that Let’s Pretend This Never Happened will be mentioned in an upcoming FabFitFun newsletter!!

    If you’re curious about us, FabFitFun (www.fabfitfun.com) is a website and free daily e-mail that uncovers the latest and greatest in fitness, fashion, beauty, diet and wellness. In partnership with E! News host and author Giuliana Rancic, FabFitFun reports on everything women need to feel happy from the inside out. FFF is optimistic, fun, cutting edge, funny and all about instilling confidence and power in women. It’s a daily dose of insider beauty tips, effective workouts, hot fashion trends, Hollywood diet secrets, nutritious recipes, confidence boosting fun, honest relationship advice and head to toe well-being.

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    If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact our editor, Katie Rosen at katie@fabfitfun.com.

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  272. I am reading Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir). I can’t read it in public or in front of anyone else because I have a terrible cackle and an occasional snort. Last night, I read the chapter about your magical squirrel. Needless to say, it was a good thing I emptied out my bladder first.

    I’m a librarian, so consider this the highest endorsement of your fabulous book. (Well, I guess if some celebrity, popular author or political figure enjoys it, then that would probably help you sell more copies…whatever.)

  273. Thank you, Jenny Lawson. I just finished the book last night. I lost my job 3 1/2 years ago and am scraping by on SS, am 64 years old with no family except my cat, have suffered from GAD for 30 years and have been depressed and over-the-top anxious since Oct. 22, 2008 (trip to HR to be “let go”). I read reviews of your book and since I couldn’t afford to buy it I had to wait over a month on the library waiting list and finally got it this week. Yay! I laughed until tears were rolling down my face and my stomach was cramping (although the fact that I just had laser surgery on my gums a couple of weeks ago and can barely eat anything might have contributed to the latter). Thanks for making me happy for a few hours of my miserable life. I sincerely hope you write another book before I die which could be any day now since my family is not known for longevity. I’ve outlived everyone…..even my younger brother. So get crackin’ on the next one…. please. And God bless Victor. I’m really surprised he hasn’t divorced and/or killed you by now. Must be a helluva guy. You are AWESOMENESS PERSONIFIED.

  274. I downloaded your book onto my Kindle the other night. Only… made it through the first few chapters & decided to go buy it at the PX in the morning so I could have a hard copy. My 14 yr old son wanted the book also – so we argued over if we should buy 1 or 2 copies. He said he wanted his own. 2 copies later (really need to go buy the 3rd one so it isn’t all alone up there). I finished it – loved it. My 14 yr old has been laughing hysterically, which means my 13 yr old has now stolen my copy (yep-should go buy the last copy up there if it’s still there) and he is enjoying it as well. Only he said I am not bad-ass, because right before I read it I assigned The Red Badge of Courage for his Lit. I think he is boycotting it though in favor of your book 🙂

  275. I’m trying to read your book but the tears from laughing are causing a blur. Plus I’m trying to drink wine. Have you ever tried to drink wine while laughing your ass off? It’s hard and I fucking love wine!!!

  276. Worth every penny of the $25.95 (+ Texas 8.25% commission) – so will not write snausages… Excellent – with a good chuckle every page and a belly laugh every other one – sometimes they mix, and me being half-Finnish, get confused… Relocated to Cross Timbers area 6 years ago today – and had heard of Wall before… Am enjoying your blogess [Blogess] highlights now… God Bless, and have a fucking GREAT Book Tour 🙂
    Lance aka: Moi/TexMonty and Cowboy on other forums….

  277. I have just finished the chapter where you almost lost your arm vaginally. First of all, I’m loving your book. Secondly, I’m from San Angelo (totally spaced out on you being here in April) and once had to help castrate a goat in ag class. A memory I have tried unsuccessfullty to repress, thanks for helping me remember what should never have happened.

  278. Just finished “Let’s Pretend” and LOVED it! Saved me from a torturously boring 4-day conference! Took out your book everytime they stopping talking…and sometimes when they didn’t. Thanks!

  279. Jenni Lawson,

    Wow it’s like an Apocalypse of crazy people in here. I didn’t realize there were so many of us. Thank you Jenni Lawson for your book. Most people laugh because they have things in common with you. I too had an eccentric dad, and I do tend to worry how much he passed onto me, how my children see me, how I am affecting them and the generations to come.

    Here are the pages I laughed out loud at, like you are interested, and sitting there with baited breath and your book, but here goes, positive feedback right??: p 38 The Dangerous Thesaurus of My Father, 83 Engagement Story, 121 HR labia story and crazy keyboard story under it, 140 Getting lost conversation with Victor (could be bushes or horses, made me lose it, I get lost all the freakin time, and I too, have survived for 20 yrs on duct tape alone, instead of tools, a knife.) para on 242 discussing bodies on property and zombie apocalypse, 244 it is Hailey’s crack, how insulting of Alan to assume it was mine line, the who buried where line, dead neighbors make quiet neighbors, and homemade zombies planted nearby, lines. P245 when you screamed out Chalupa. P248 the last sentence describing the rabbit on your dogs forehead. 280 when you and Laura put the chicken @ the front door and walked away and Victor answered the door. pp 294 &295 the entire stuffed alligator incident.

    You have a way with words, and the entire book was funny (except the dog dying and the miscarriages), but the above was laugh out loud and time to put the book down and make a tea and grab my breath. Good for you in accomplishing this. I happen to love Jesus and know He loves you too. The way I see it, He deliberately put Laura in your path. I read your book in two days. I’m unsuccessfully transplanted to a farm. Yeah. So very much looking forward to the next book whenever, even if it’s another 11 yrs. Well worth the money I paid ($27.50 CDN). I am going to let my 16 yr old daughter read it too. In a couple of months I will reread the book out loud with a Texan accent. I’m Canadian. Should be fun. 🙂

    So sorry you are in physical pain 🙁

    Shelley.

  280. I just got my Floridian mittens ( or hands since it’s way too hot for mittens here ) on the book, and I must say it’s worth everything my parents paid for it because I’m broke. And also a child. And probably shouldn’t be able to read and comprehend everything in that book. Including the drug you took for your finger. ( Methatrexate, correct? Hope I spelled that correctly. I had to take it for Leukemia. )

    Regardless, the book is amazing. Astounding, even! IT FEELS LIKE A UNICORN IS FEEDING ME STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM/ PEANUT BUTTER GELATO WHEN I READ IT. And I love every word of it.

    ( Sorry for caps lock awesome-rage. )

  281. Bloggess/Jenny:
    OMGthankyou for the Best. Book. Ever.
    I bought the Kindle version last week. Then I bought a second for my sister. I’m headed to Target this afternoon to buy a hard copy. Hmm – make that TWO copies, because people are gonna want to borrow it & I’ll feel okay about lending it if I don’t have to worry that I’ll never get it back. Maybe I’ll buy three, actually, because wouldn’t this be an AWESOME book to set free in the world..?!
    Now I’m gonna check eBay to see if anyone’s selling their autographed bookplates…
    Oh – and Jenny? Thanks so much for the laughter, and mostly for the “I’ve found my tribe” feeling I found in the pages of your book & blog. It’s good to be reminded that depression lies.

  282. Wow – I attended the Gaithersburg Book Festival as another exhibitor and couldn’t help but become distracted while you were on stage. I was intrigued at 1) who was the lady with the large following; and 2) how was she able to make them laugh as hard and often as she did. Since I was an exhibitor myself, I didn’t have the pleasure to listen to your speech. But I was able to flag down a woman who walked swiftly past my table with your book in her hand. She barely had time to say your full name as she tried to beat the swarm of supporters to the book signing table where you would appear 5 minutes later. Naturally I decided to look you up, and I’m pleasantly intrigued at what I see. Your blogs remind me of the movie Julie and Julia. No need to say more than #inspiring. You are awesomely talented, or is it just that you are on the good side of lucky. Either way, I look up to you and I will be like you one day when I grow up. Hopefully then, my supporters will swarm through a future exhibitors table in hopes to get a glimpse of me. lol. I wish you the very best in all that you do. I throw that same luck my way too.

  283. What Erma Bombeck (of the 1960-70’s) could have written, except
    a) This is the 21st Century, and
    b) She died, so makes it hard to use a keyboard,
    I’d think…
    Your book is excellent, and I hope you make so much money on your book tour it makes your husband Victor happy he has such a talented wife, and
    ticks off the White House you are such a greedy person, when you should be donating most of your hard-earned gains, based on your talent and expression, ‘to the poor’, per them, especially lizard lips Anita Dunn…

  284. I have to admit that up unil aweek ago I had never heard of The Bloggess . It was Hamlet that grabbed my attention and as I was completely baffled why a mouse would be dressed up as Hamlet …I grabbed the book so I could find the answer…
    What I got was …Strange looks on the Train when I laughed out loud enroute to work , elbow shoves and dirty one eyed looks from my husband telling me to keep it down as I Laughed hysterically in the middle of the night ( apparently men take it quite personally when you laugh in Bed!) and a FANTASTIC READ that had me laughing form start to finish ….
    Some serious Funny !!

  285. I tried finding your book at my nearest library and the closest thing they had was ‘Violent Weather Predictions 2000-2001: Countdown to Cataclysm’ by Jennifer Lawson. It’s out of date weather prognostication from Australia! (btw, the nearest library was the Univ. of Chicago; why do they even have this book?)

  286. Just finished your book and I am so sad it is over, I effing loved every word. I guess I will just have to keep rereading it until your next one comes out. Seriously my new favorite book; thank you for making me laugh so hard I almost wet myself in public.

  287. Just started reading the book and already I am in hysterics laughing because I too have had the domestic abuse spiel at the emergency room. Mine was not a herniated disc from enthusiastic hair brushing but rather a sprained neck/upper back from brushing my fucking teeth. The ER staff apparently didn’t believe my story and kept questioning my safety and even questioned my now ex-husband separately to see if our stories matched. Coincidentally he used to text me “beatings are coming” when he was on his way home from work and I kept threatening to show the ER staff the text messages which he did NOT find humorous at all. Anyway the point of my rant is that I find it comforting that I’m not the only one who injures themselves doing routine tasks and then is subjected to scrutiny over whether domestic abuse and violence is in play. So thank you for making me laugh…although I now have to take a tramadol b/c my back hurts.

  288. I would love the UK version, that way I can imagine you saying “Y’all” with a british accent.

  289. Ridiculous is synonymous with Luxurious, right? I would LOVE the audiobook! Thanks, as always, for entertaining.

  290. I got your book as a gift and I nearly choked on my own tongue several times from laughing so hard and let’s face it, you should be thankful I didn’t because we all know that my angry spirit would track you down and blame you for sending me to an early grave.

    That said I’d love a copy of the audiobook!

  291. Oh please please PLEEEEEEASE may I have an audiobook??? I’ve already finished reading the printed version, but would dearly love to hear you tell your stories in your own voice as well.

  292. I would just like to thank you so much for writing all this wonderful Bloggess amazing-ness. It makes me feel like there’s someone else in the world who thinks like I do, and I always know that when I’m having a rough day, I can come here, and laugh about stuff that I was pretty convinced only _I_ thought about, and a number of things that I hadn’t even thought of to think about yet.

    If we didn’t live so far away from one another, I would totally stalk you, but in a good way, not a scary going-to-kill-you way. More like a hey-you-wanna-hang-out-and-laugh-about-stuff-while-maybe-having-some-ice-cream sort of way. But I wouldn’t invite my husband. Because he, like Victor, spends a lot of time looking at me like I’m wearing a squid on my head and telling me I’m weird. Not that Victor does that to me. I’ve never met the guy. But it sounds like he does that to you. Which is the weird thing. Unless of course you _are_ wearing a squid on your head. Then it’s justifiable.

    Anyway, if we ever are in the same general vicinity, we should definitely hang out, because that would be an awesome conversation. Keep writing what you’re writing, please, so I