Notes I wrote myself, part 2.

Continuing my series of bizarre notes I wrote on my phone while probably not sober:

It’s weird that nobody knows the exact entomology for the word “hushpuppy.” Wait, is “hushpuppy” two words? Also, I don’t think “entomology” is the word I’m looking for but I can’t remember the entomology of the word that I’m looking for though. Fuck it. I give up. But I do want to point out that I am aware that entomology is bugs. I know I’m using the word wrong and I think I should get at least half credit for that.

I bet “Flamely” would be a really good name for a boy. I should have another baby.

I found cookies in the freezer that I forgot I had and I’m pretty sure this is proof that I am God’s favorite.

A band is just a gang with fewer knives. And more more music, I guess. Probably more about the music than the knives now that I think about it.

I want the GPS voice in my car to say “You’re doing a great job.” “Nice one stopping at that yield sign, you absolute titan.” “Take a left here and your hair looks amazing, by the way.”

If I had a nickel for every time I backed my car over the trash can I’d have three nickels, which isn’t a lot of money but still seems excessive.

Are you less ticklish if you have tylenol? Because it makes your skin less sensitive to pain so wouldn’t it also make it less sensitive to tickling? Is there a medicine for tickling? If there was a shot for it I would totally take that shot.

Why isn’t the past-tense of “glow” “glewd”? Because it should be.

I wonder if you can finish netflix?

Notes I wrote myself that I can’t decide are awesome or mortifying. Bit of both probably.

So I have this habit of recording “brilliant” thoughts on my phone late at night after I’ve been drinking and then I forget to go back to them so my phone notes are filled with years of bizarre run-on sentences or strange threats that I don’t entirely remember writing. Hailey recently found them and couldn’t stop laughing, although I suspect that they are laughing at me rather than with me, and they said that I really should share this so for the next week or two while I’m working on a writing project I am going to share some of the ridiculous deep-thoughts I thought were worthy of recording and now question entirely.

Part 1:

Is the ocean salty because it’s mostly fish pee? Wait…is pee salty? I mean, tears are so I’m going to say yes. Unless it’s fish tears but probably not because what do fish have to cry about? Other than the fact that they have to swim around in urine all day. Wait a minute. I think I just solved the ocean.

I don’t know why anyone uses any chapstick flavor other than peppermint because that shit really lets your lips know they’re alive. It’s a like a reminder to them that they should be excited to be lips, an honestly I appreciate that.

I think if I had an emotional support pig when I was a kid my life would’ve ended up much differently.

“Gonna go irrigate the lady garden” is pretty much the best way to say you have to go pee. I should patent that. The term, I mean. Not peeing. Unless I can patent that too.

What to read this month

I’m about to open up the discussion thread for Hurricane Girl on the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club facebook page but in case you don’t do facebook I’ll leave my thoughts in the comments. But first…have you see this month’s book pick?

It’s Florida Woman by Deb Rogers and it is a brilliant escape.

I devoured this modern Florida gothic novel in a sitting.  A culty, fast-paced page-turner with fascinating characters, chaos, bizarre intrigue.  Like a gender-bent Tiger King, but with monkeys.  

Want more details?

A gleefully dark and entertaining debut about one young woman’s sensational summer at a Floridian wildlife center for exotic monkeys

Jamie is a Florida Woman. She grew up on the beach, thrives in humidity, has weathered more hurricanes than she can count. And now, after going viral for an outrageous crime she never meant to commit in the first place, she has the requisite headline to her name. But when the chance comes for her to escape viral infamy and imminent jail time by taking a community service placement at Atlas, a shelter for rescued monkeys, it seems like just the fresh start Jamie needs to finally get her life back on track — until it’s not.

Something sinister stirs in the palmetto woods surrounding her cabin, and secrets lurk among the three beguiling women who run the shelter and affectionately take Jamie under their wing for the summer. She hears the distant screams of monkeys each night; the staff perform cryptic, lakeside sacrifices to honor Atlas; and the land, which has long been abandoned by citrus farmers and theme park developers alike, now proves to be dangerously untamed.

As Jamie ventures deeper into the offbeat world and rituals of Atlas, her summer is soon set to inspire an even stranger Florida headline than she ever could’ve imagined.

YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE IT.

Need more than one book to make it through the month?  Well, you are in luck because July is a cornucopia of delights.  Here are some of my very favorite July books:

The Daughter of Doctor Moreau  by Silvia Moreno- Garcia – A dreamy reimaging of the Island of Doctor Moreau set in 19th Century Mexico

What Moves the Dead by T. Kingfisher – a small but atmospheric retelling of Edgar Allan Poe’s classic The Fall of the House of Usher.  SO GOOD, Y’ALL.

Acne by Laura Chinn – A fascinating memoir about family, happiness, identity, grief and finding yourself.  Also, there is Jell-O wrestling.

In Her Boots by K.J. Dell’Antonia – delightfully entertaining story about a ruse that goes awry and a chaotic homecoming that proves that confronting your past can sometimes set you free.

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin – two friends–often in love, but never lovers–come together as creative partners in the world of video game design, where success brings them fame, joy, tragedy, duplicity, and, ultimately, a kind of immortality.

Hawk Mountain by Conner Habib – An English teacher is gaslit by his charismatic high school bully in this tense story of deception, manipulation, and murder. 

Just Like Home by Sarah Gailey – In spite of Vera’s long estrangement from her mother and in spite of the memories – Vera has come back to the home of a serial killer. 

The Mermaid of Black Conch by Monique Roffey – A fisherman sings to himself while waiting for his catch but attracts a sea-dweller that he never expected – Aycayia, an innocent young woman cursed by jealous wives to live as a mermaid.

Into the Mist by P.C. Cast – As men fall into the mist, the age of womankind begins.  (This is the first in an apocalyptical series in case you don’t like to start a series until it’s finished.)

Fire Season by Leyna Krow – Three scheming opportunists–a banker, a conman, and a woman with an extraordinary gift–whose lives collide in the wake of a devastating fire in the American West

Mary: An Awakening of Terror by Nat Cassidy – Justin Chen described this book as “a snarky and gory peri-menopausal homage to Carrie” and I cannot improve on that summary.

Happy reading!  ~ Jenny

PS. It is never too late to join the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club. We send the book right to your door like a lovely little monthly surprise. I think we could all use a nice surprise right about now.

Get the cake out

If you don’t feel like celebrating Independence Day this year you can skip it and instead celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary. Traditions include cake, one small fight, very loud laughter, cocktails, light arson, binge watching a season of some guilty pleasure, snuggling with small animals, naps, reading, giant metal chickens, contemplating our best and worst decisions. Feel free to pick and choose to create your own perfect holiday.

Happy Anniversary, mister. I love you.

It’s Friday!

It’s Friday and that means that it’s time for you to come into my office so I can share with you all the insta-videos I’ve saved just for you, because if you are anything like me you require a medicinal amount of ridiculousness today. Let’s do this:

Now I want a swan bag though.

https://www.instagram.com/thebloggess/saved/all-posts/

Happy weekend, y’all.

Milk is confusing.

Victor: Ew. Did you just pour tap water into your cereal?

me: Yes, because there’s too much milk in the milk.

Victor: What.

me: We only have whole milk but I like 2% milk. What’s the other 98% of 2% milk? It’s gotta be water, right? But also, why doesn’t it cost 2% as much as whole milk?

Victor: That’s not how milk works.

me: Seems like it. 100% milk is the most milk, right? Although if you added powdered milk to 100% milk, what would that be?

Victor: It would be milk. Very gross milk.

me: No, because you’d have more milk per milk. Too much milk. But I don’t know how the math works.

Victor: Clearly.

me: Wait…but why does “evaporated milk” exist? Because if it evaporated it would be gone, right?

Victor: Please stop talking.

me: And if milk evaporates what then why doesn’t it ever rain milk? OMG, is that where 2% milk comes from? Is the other 98% rain?

Victor: Have you been drinking?

me: I think I just became a scientist.

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