Tag Archives: Valentine’s Day

This might be a weirdly inappropriate Valentine or I might be reading too much into this.

I found this vintage Valentine at a garage sale and I couldn’t stop looking at it because it seems weirdly and inappropriately sexual.   The woman running the garage sale disagreed with my assessment so I’m sharing it here so you can see if you’re as messed up as I am:

"YOU CAN'T PUT OUT THE 'FIRE' IN MY HEART."

“YOU CAN’T PUT OUT THE ‘FIRE’ IN MY HEART FOR YOU.”

1.  Look at this girl’s feet.  She’s straddling a flaming bucket labeled “MY VALENTINE.”  Her vagina is literally on fire here.  That’s not healthy or appropriate.

2.  Why is she even burning valentines?  Was it an accident?  Does she like arson?  Is this how she lures firemen to her home?  So many questions.

3.  Sometimes a hose is not a hose.  Also, you’re not even aiming at the fire, sir.  It’s like you’ve never even had fire training.

4.  The hose seems to have a mind of its own and is spraying everywhere.  The entire place is a wet spot.  Plus, why does she look so excited that she’s about to get soaked?  Her only expression seems to be “AWESOME.  But not in my hair.”

5.  That hose isn’t even attached to anything.   It just winds back into the guy.  And the guy is like, “LOOK AT MY MAGNIFICENT HOSE” and the girl is all, “THAT HOSE IS SPECTACULAR.”   In fact, they’re both so “THIS HOSE IS EVERYTHING” that they are entirely distracted from the impending inferno and smell of burnt gingham.  I suspect this valentine was drawn by a man.

6.  Why is “fire” in quotes?  That’s not how quotes work.

7.  I realize it’s a cartoon, but that’s some mighty spermy looking water.

Conclusion:  This is the most subliminally sexual valentine I’ve ever seen in my life.  Or possibly it’s just me and I need to get my head out of the gutter.  Also, I just noticed that the boy’s hose is pointing to the words “PUT OUT”.  Yeah.  My work is done here.

The perfect valentine: my heart in my hands. Literally. Sort of.

I always forget about Valentine’s Day because it’s not really something we celebrate, but this year I’ve decided to get Victor something special:

budget jumbo heart

It’s a jumbo bargain heart.

Because my love for Victor is enlarged and dangerous.  And also thrifty.

But then he saw it in my cart and was like, “WHY DO YOU BUY THESE THINGS?” and I was like, “WHY DO YOU RUIN SURPRISES?” Then he accused me of buying it for myself, which is ridiculous because I already earmarked something for myself for Valentine’s Day (because I didn’t want Victor to feel bad that he got something and I didn’t). It’s an anatomical ear.

“THE BETTER TO HEAR YOU WITH,” I explained.  Because love means listening.  Or something.  He was not impressed.  But I still think it’s an awesome present and one most normal people would treasure.

Then he was like “Why is there a sack of human bones in your wish list?” and I was like “FOR YOU, ASSHOLE.”  Although technically the bones aren’t for him.  I just put them in my wish list so that I’d remember to show Victor that #1, there are weirder things to ask for for Valentine’s and #2, I want to be best friends with whoever left this review:

Yes.  Very helpful.

Yes. Very helpful.

Victor didn’t think it was funny and I wished I had my anatomical ear so I could hold it up and say “I CAN’T HEAR YOU WHEN YOU’RE BEING ILLOGICAL.”

I also made a note that maybe I should buy that real human rib so when we have a fight and I storm out I can be like “WE’RE DONE.  HERE’S YOUR RIB BACK”.  Admittedly, this would make more sense if we were more religious but it’s hard to stay reasonable when you’re considering buying human ribs on the internet.  (Although, the price is very reasonable.  $10 for a human rib?  How do you even stay in business that way?)

My guess is that you get the customer hooked on ribs and then they move up to heads.  Because yes, now you can buy a human head on Amazon from the same people.  It’s $2k and does not qualify for Amazon Prime.  No reviews, but there is one customer question, which reads simply “Is it female? Is it Asian?”  I can’t tell if this is a fetish thing or not but I’m guessing so.  This is the same company that sells a grab-bag of real human remains, which is odd, but not quite as unsettling as “Kay”, the woman who told the seller that she had enough human teeth and wanted to make sure her grab bag had larger bones in them.  I think we’ve all had that problem, right?

No.  No we haven’t.

And that’s why I wrote this post.  So that Victor could read it and realize that compared to Kay I am a mighty fine catch.  And compared to the guy selling human ribs on Amazon, Victor is an amazing specimen.  No pun intended.  And I’m going to tell him that.  Because I have a big heart.

Or I will when it arrives in the mail.

PS.  Victor doesn’t want my enlarged heart so instead I’m buying this pig that Amazon suggested I would like.

pig

Amazon knows me better than Victor does.

Fuck Valentine’s Day

Hi.  Today is Valentine’s Day and that means you either spend all day wondering if your significant other is going to get you something, or you spend the day poisoning the roses that all the other girls in your office got.  This is ridiculous because Valentine’s Day is pretty much just made up to sell shit, and also because roses are slow to react to poison and so you’re much better off just putting them in the microwave for a few minutes while your coworkers are at lunch.  But empty out the water first because otherwise it’ll boil and then you have to come up with a reason why you have second-degree burns on your palms and then you end up in the hospital.  No.  Instead, realize that this is a ridiculous non-holiday made to make everyone feel insecure about their relationships or lack thereof and instead use this day to do something lovely and sweet for yourself.

For Valentine’s Day this year I’m giving myself the gift of watching foreign horror movies for the next four hours.  Victor’s giving himself the gift of yelling at me to turn down the TV because there’s too much screaming leaking into his conference call.  EVERYONE WINS.

Your turn.  Forgive yourself for something.  Treat yourself.  Remind yourself of something nice you like about yourself.  Buy yourself a drink and let you take yourself home for a nice bubble bath and a wheel of cheese.  Make home-made fondu and dip everything in the house in it.  Dress your cats up and pretend they’re throwing a surprise party for you.  Whatever.  Just do something nice for you.  Because you’re worth it.  Trust me on this one.

This is for you.  And I REALLY love tacos.

I made this for you.  And I REALLY love tacos.