This is not a real post. It’s just me venting and probably won’t even be spelled right. Come back tomorrow for a real post.
So today I went to the eye doctor because apparently lasik surgery doesn’t last forever, and I had to get glasses. Which is fine and beside the point. The point is that the doctor kept doing all of these tests because apparently one of my eyes isn’t dilating correctly when you shine a light in it, and I could totally tell that she wanted to ask if I was on drugs, because I’m pretty sure that’s what the police do when you’re really high. So eventually I just said, “I’m totally not high” and she looked at me like I was crazy, because apparently if I was high that would have made both pupils dilate. Then I started to suspect that maybe I was only halfway high, or maybe that I’d gotten high incorrectly, which totally sounds like something I would do if I was the kind of person who got high. Which I’m not.
But then that made me question why only one pupil wasn’t responding and the doctor was all, “EYE CANCER. ALSO, FATAL BRAIN LESIONS. YOU PROBABLY HAVE BUGS LAYING EGGS IN YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW. GET THEE TO A BRAIN SURGEON, STAT” Or at least that’s what I heard. Victor said that she said that it was “probably nothing serious” and that I should see a neurologist because I probably have Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s or some sort of cat disease. She didn’t actually name any of those diseases, but it certainly felt implied.
She also thought it might be related to the fact that one eyelid gets stuck shut a lot, and it makes me look like I’m winking at people. I’m not winking at you, people. I’m not coordinated enough to be a winker.
Frankly, I’m not even good at blinking.
Plus, now I have eye cancer.*
*I probably don’t actually have eye cancer and I’m not even sure if you can get cancer in your eyeball. I’d look it up, but Victor has blocked WebMD from my computer. Because he doesn’t care about cancer. And is tired of me waking him up to tell him about all the fatal diseases I have just diagnosed myself with. Selfish, really.