I was going to write this awhile ago because people asked me for a tutorial on how to make an invisible woman but then I sort of went missing mentally and now I’m back. Apologies. But I am here right now to tell you all about my adventures in dismemberment and…whatever the opposite of dismemberment is. Rememberment? Is that a word? Fuck. Ignore this paragraph.
So one of my very favorite things about being a proprietress of Nowhere Bookshop is making ridiculous window displays and my favorite window displays are for Halloween. Last year’s theme was fortune telling:
This year I wanted something a bit spookier but not creepy enough to make kids pee themselves so I decided to make a ghost reader. I saw a bunch of tutorials for ghosts made of chicken wire and I was going to try that but then I remembered how stabby chickenwire is and I couldn’t remember if I’d had a tetanus shot recently and then Hailey pointed out that you can make people out of seran wrap, which was news to me.
Apparently you just wrap cling-wrap over an actual person and then you put duct tape over that and then you cut the person out of the tape mummy and stuff it with newspapers or bubble wrap. And I was thrilled, and Hailey was less thrilled when they realized that they had just accidentally volunteered to get wrapped up in seran wrap and duct tape. I thought it was a wonderful trust exercise and I would recommend it to anyone, but maybe while you’re cutting your child out of their duct tape bondage don’t let your husband tell them the story of the time you tried to cut a knot off of the cat and accidentally cut a cat flat in them instead because then you’ll only end up with arms because your child will get spooked and run away when you want to move on to the torso.
Luckily I had an extra torso on hand because I had an old dress-makers dummy from the time I was making ballgowns out of damaged books (that’s another story) and was able to attach Hailey’s fake arms to it, and after I dressed it up and stuffed some gloves so the ghost could read The Invisible Man it was apparently realistic enough that Ferris Mewler decided to snuggle with her.
I asked the internet for their opinions and they were very complementary but mentioned that it would look better with mannequin legs or starched stockings and that’s when I was like, “OMG, I forgot I already have human legs!” and Victor was like, “…Wtf. We all have human legs. What is wrong with you?” and that’s when I reminded myself that I should stop talking to myself out loud because then I had to explain that I was talking about the invisible woman I was building and that I was referring to the extra human legs I kept in the kitchen.
Well not really human legs, but close because years ago this shoe store was closing and so I bought a bunch of fake feet that they’d used to display heels on but I stuffed them with fake flowers and made weird vases and the lesson here is that you should always buy what you love when you see it because you never know when you’re going to need a torso or human feet.
Victor disagrees with this lesson.
The people on instagram also pointed out that you could kind of see the neck of the dummy poking out and it would look better without it so I yelled, “Hailey, help me cut this ladie’s neck off!” and Hailey were like, “Most moms just make cookies for Halloween” and that’s probably true but in the end they held onto the torso while I sawed the neck off and then I realized that my new neighbors could see directly into my office window to see the silhouette of us dismembering someone but then Victor pointed out that from that same window they could see Ruth Badar Ginsbear (a giant taxidermied bear in judge robes) so that’s probably distracting enough and honestly they probably just avoid looking in my windows at this point.
And then it was ready.
But I had to take it up to the store and that meant it had to ride in the car and frankly, the looks we got from other people on the road were worth every moment.
Also, the Texas Department of Transportation should send me a dollar because we totally matched their “ARRIVE ALIVE” theme they had blinking on all the highway signs.
And then Victor said that I needed to get her a Dismembers Only jacket and I threatened to stab him, but a an hour later I’d finished the Halloween Window and couldn’t stop myself from calling it a Halloweendow and this is how I know we deserve each other.
PS. The Invisible Man is a good book, but I think our update is better:
PPS. Halloween related fun…Nowhere is currently having a literary themed costume parade online so if you have a book-related costume I want to see it. Tag us with the hashtag #nowherecostumeparade. Also, I’m working on a literary costume myself and it is ridiculous. Never stop being ridiculous, y’all.