The Bloggess

YOU GUYS.

Do you know what this is?  This is the finished final draft of my next book, which I have finally turned into my wonderful and incredibly patient editor.  WHOOP!

Not the actual title, obviously

Every time I write a book I think it’s the last one… that I’ll never be funny again, that I don’t have the focus or energy to finish.  That I’ve run out of life and of stories.  And I did for a bit, which is why I’m turning this in far behind the deadline that was set.  I work slow…slower than most writers, I think.  I work around depression and anxiety and assorted bullshit and I delete two pages for every three I write BUT in the end, I am left with stories.  They are stories I’m proud of, even though so many of them involve the most ridiculous moments of my life.

So today I breathe a quick sigh of relief and celebrate this small (but enormous for me) victory.  And tomorrow I leave for Italy, where we have not planned properly at all and will spend 6 days getting lost as we celebrate Hailey’s and Victor’s birthdays.  And then I’ll come back and get notes from my editor and begin the process again.

And that’s a very good thing.

Thank you for seeing me through.

Last week Victor went out of town and brought me back home an old taxidermied bobcat who had apparently had a hard life and was missing some parts and desperately needed some TLC.

BEST. SOUVENIR. EVER.

Not everyone shared my enthusiasm.

HAILEY GIVE YOUR SISTER A PIGGY-BACK RIDE.

After a quick repaint and some minor repairs I was able to scrounge up some old baby clothes and

…viola!

SO GODDAM HAPPY TO SEE YOU

Hailey:  What is even happening here?

me:  Magic, Hailey.  Magic is happening.  And I found the perfect name for her.  Because she’s adorable and old-fashioned but she’s also feisty as hell and somewhat unpredictable.

Hailey:  Katy Purry?

me:  Oh, that’s a good one.  You are my daughter.  But no.  This is Judy Snarland.

Hailey:  Are you sure I’m not adopted?

me:  Not a chance.  Now she’s just missing something to hold in her hands.

Hailey:  She looks okay like that.  Like she’s sneaking up on you to scare you.

me:  Well that’s fitting because I’ve gotten my dress snagged on her claws twice and accidentally found myself being chased by a dead bobcat.

Hailey:  Maybe she should be eating something?

me:  What, like a corn on the cob?  Hailey, you are ridiculous.

Hailey:  I’M RIDICULOUS?

me:  I’m thinking like a tiny accordion so she can play the polka.   OH!  OR MARIONETTES MADE OF TAXIDERMIED MICE AND I COULD MAKE AN ENTIRE PUPPET THEATER.

Hailey:  Mice dangling from strings.  Pretty sure Ferris Mewler would destroy that in a heartbeat.

me:  Very true.  Tiny accordion it is then.

PS.  I tried to make a tiny accordion but it looked terrible so instead I improvised.

Nailed it.

I have been trying really hard lately to step out of my comfort zone and do “adventurous” things.  My anxiety disorder is still ever-present but it’s been more manageable the last few months and my shrink says I need to take advantage of this while it lasts and do scary (but not too scary) things as part of my behavioral therapy.  And that’s how I got into the terrifying position of doing a TEDx talk in a few months.

My talk will be very short and because it has to do with having mental illness maybe people won’t judge me so harshly if I carry a table to hide under onto the stage.  Or maybe I’ll do it facing the back of the stage like Sia.  Or maybe I’ll do it from the safe and warm inside of a t-rex costume.  Hard to say.

Click here to get tickets.

And perhaps avoid the front row in case I start vomiting.  Or at least bring a waterproof poncho.

One of my friends calls her vagina her snipper, and I love it because it’s cute but it also sounds vaguely threatening.   Also, “vergernia” is nice because it’s fun to say. Try it.  Say “vergernia”.  It’s awesome.

This isn’t a real post.  I just wanted wanted to share my vergernia.  Not literally though.

I swear next week I’ll write about non-funeral shit but I was wondering about something….

In the tiny town I’m from everyone in the funeral procession turns on their running lights from the funeral home to the cemetery and all the cops stops traffic to let the mourners run all the traffic lights and stop signs and everyone who sees you has to pull their car over on the shoulder of the road and sits quietly until everyone has passed, as if people in mourning were too dangerous to be trusted to drive near us. It’s a very sweet tradition ( and sort of cool because you’re mourning but you also get to run red lights and that’s a nice consolation prize) but since I’ve moved to bigger towns I never see people pull over for funerals.

Does this happen in your town?