The Bloggess

As requested, the 2019 Bloggess Calendar is now available (and it’s 50% off today if you use the code DECKTHEHALLS) and the back of it has a giant color half-raccoon face that you can use to freak people out.

All profits go to Project Night Night.  Whoop!

UPDATED:  I don’t know why but some of you are getting emails that your order was cancelled because the calendar doesn’t meet Zazzle’s guidelines.  I’m not sure why but I sent in a request to Zazzle to look it up.  I just ordered a copy right now to check it and the order went through so I’m wondering if it’s a bug?  Or maybe they think it’s tentacle p0rn?  WHO KNOWS.  I’ll let you know what I hear.

UPDATED AGAIN: Okay, I still don’t have answers as to why some orders are cancelled and Zazzle says it can take days to get a response so let’s do this…   I made a new calendar and replaced anything that might have possibly been questionable with other things that are probably just as questionable but are different so if you don’t get your order refunded you will have one of the rare banned calendars but if you did get cancelled you can go to the links above and order the new calendar. No matter what I’ll send Project Night Night the profits on the calendars and I’ll also cover the profits that we lost because it’s an awesome charity and they do amazing things.

PS. To make up for this inconvenience please accept this video of Ferris Mewler groping me inappropriately.

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Writing with cats. #ithinkivebeengroped

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Dec 5, 2018 at 10:22am PST

Also, I want a medal for not making a joke about how unsettling it is when your cat grabs Uranus.

UPDATED X 3:  OKAY.  You may have witnessed my full breakdown on twitter this morning when Zazzle cancelled my old calendar and my replacement calendar and told me that is was being cancelled because an image was copyrighted and that image was a picture of me.  *sigh*

HOWEVER, they quickly reached out to me and fixed the issue and brought back the new calendar so here’s what you need to know: if you ordered the new calendar (the replacement I made late last night…not the one from midday yesterday) your order is still fine and you’ll get your calendar.  If you ordered the first calendar you’ll probably need to reorder the new one. The half off sale is still going on today so make sure you use the DECKTHEHALLS code. If you look in your orders you can tell if you have one coming or if it was canceled.  Here’s an example where you can see the canceled one and the new one that I ordered:

Zazzle was very apologetic and they assure me that no one was charged for the canceled calendar as they just did a preathorization that was dropped as soon as the first calendar was cancelled.

So, long story short, the calendar linked above is fully operational and you can buy it right here.

I need a drink.

I’m too tired to unpack all of this but I thought I should share so you can learn from my mistakes:

Empty out your filters, y’all.

Today is a writing day so obviously Rollie and Dorothy Barker decided to help by turning on the caps locks and making me lose my place and giving water damage to my keyboard and basically just giving me even more of a reason to procrastinate.

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Writing with pets.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Dec 3, 2018 at 9:42am PST

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Part 2

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Dec 3, 2018 at 10:41am PST

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Part 3. PETS FOR SALE.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Dec 3, 2018 at 10:49am PST

They are the perfect combination of horrible and entertaining, which is the exact tone I aim for in my writing so I guess it all works out.

Now back to work.

We’re on Day 5 of celebrating good things and this one might be a little disjointed because I pulled something in my neck and I’m on muscle relaxers and need a nap.  But today we’re celebrating great things going on with you.  Maybe you or someone you love did something you want to brag about.  Maybe you did something nice for yourself.  Maybe you survived the week.  Maybe you’re grateful for muscle relaxers and spellcheck.  Whatever it is, share it here.

As for me, I’m celebrating today because I sent a new chapter I wasn’t sure about to my agent and she loved it. Then I fell into a puddle of relief.  WHOOP!

Your turn.

We’re continuing our week of bests here on the blog and I am LOVING your suggestions.   Today I want to know the best piece of advice you ever got.

If you’ve read my books you already know “PRETEND YOU’RE GOOD AT IT” – which I still write on my arm every time I have to do something scary in public but the second best piece of advice came from my grandmother, who told me, “It’s nice to be important but it’s more important to be nice.  Unless people are being dicks.  You don’t have to be nice to dicks.”  Except she didn’t say “dicks” but probably just because English wasn’t her first language.

Still good advice though.

Your turn.

PS. I had a wonderful surprise recently when I opened Neil Gaiman’s new book Art Matters and saw this:

In all honesty my beard isn’t quite so luxurious but I appreciate the artistic license.

So basically I asked my favorite writer for advice on my first book and the advice was so good I wrote about it in my next book and then he wrote about that in his next book and this is how the world should work.

This week we’re exploring all the best things and so far we’ve done THE BEST THING I READ and THE BEST THING I HEARD and today we’re doing THE BEST THING I BOUGHT, which is sort of hard because I don’t get out much but there are a few things I’ve been super happy to find so I’m sharing them here.

1.  This sweater, which is made of baby polar bears, I think?  It’s so soft it’s insane and I’ve had it for two years and it’s still awesome.  In fact, I bought one for my mom and my granny last year for Xmas because it’s my favorite article of clothing.
2. Eshakti, which is a clothing website where you can customize the clothes to fit you AND ALL OF THEIR DRESSES HAVE POCKETS.  If you’ve ever seen me in real life and complimented what I was wearing I guarantee you I said, “AND IT HAS POCKETS!” and I bought it from here.Here’ s a  secret tip:  Their crepe, georgette and duponi fabrics are cat fur resistant and fairly wrinkle-proof.  The other fabrics, not as much.
3. The perfect Christmas tree topper which just arrived minutes ago:

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DON’T BLINK.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Nov 28, 2018 at 12:06pm PST

It’s awesome but I didn’t hook it onto the tree right the first time and when I was getting off the step-ladder it fell and hit me right in the ear.  It’s more firmly attached now but maybe be aware that it’s bloodthirsty.

Now, your turn!  What’s something awesome you are so glad to have bought?

PS. I don’t get paid for any of these but I did use my amazon links for two of them because The James Garfield Christmas Miracle is coming up in a week or two and I always use all my affiliate profits to help kids have a happy holiday.  More on that next month.

It’s DAY TWO of our Week of Wonderful Things so today let’s share the best things you read lately.

I’ve been reading Whoever Fights Monsters: My Twenty Years Tracking Serial Killers and the FBI and it is so good but it gives me nightmares if I read it too close to bed so I’m breaking it up by rereading Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal because it seems seasonal and also it’s one of the wittiest books ever written and I’m incredibly jealous I didn’t write it myself.

I just finished American Like Me: Reflections on Life Between Cultures and it was fantastic, but sometimes (not surprisingly) difficult.  But it’s important and I highly recommend it.

Or if your brain is too crowded for anything more than a minute I suggest reading this wonderful moment shared by the amazing Naomi Shihab Nye:  (Taken from Facebook)

Your turn.  What’s something wonderful you’ve read that you want to share?

Was last week hard for you?  It was for me which is why I was a little MIA but instead of complaining about it (much) I want to focus on a week of awesomeness, but to do that I need your help.

I want to explore some of the great things that bring us joy and wonder so each day we’re going to have a different topic and share the awesome stuff you love.

Today is THE BEST THING I HEARD LATELY.

So the best music you’re listening to or a new podcast you discovered or a funny joke someone told you…whatever wonderful thing you heard that you want other people to enjoy.

I’ll go first with a podcast that makes me very happy because it’s quite funny and distracting AND there are hundreds of episodes so I won’t burn through them in a week like I do with everything else.  It’s called Hello from the Magic Tavern and it’s an improv podcast about a guy who got sucked through a portal behind the Burger King and got stuck in a magical dimension.  It’s not quite as good as my favorite improv podcast, Mission to Zyxx, but it’s close and there are a ton of them.

YOUR TURN!  What wonderful thing have you heard that we should hear too?

PS.  This isn’t new but it’s on repeat in my house because I’m working on my next book and I’m knee-deep in vampires and this song keeps them away. Sharing in case you need it too.

PPS.  At the end of the week I’ll randomly pick a few people who have commented suggestions and send them gift cards that they can use to try some wonderful things that you guys might share through the week.  Whoop!

Over the last few weeks I’ve been feeling a little paranoid because a lot of the neighborhood squirrels have been wearing fake beards.

I considered tweeting about it but then didn’t because it makes me sound even crazier than normal but then my mom came to stay for the weekend and was like, “Does…does that squirrel have a moustache?” and I was very relived to be able to prove that I hadn’t been hallucinating all these squirrels going incognito.

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Mysteries of the Why-Do-All-The-Neighborhood-Squirrels-Suddenly-Have-Beards and What-Happened-To-ThePatio-Furniture = Solved.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Nov 18, 2018 at 3:42pm PST

(This video = me that time I tried to learn how to knit.)

Turns out that Squirrelly Temple (the squirrel that lives in our backyard) has been ripping fluff out of the lawn furniture.  I suspected that it was a terrible disguise from Owl Roker (the owl that lives in our front yard) or maybe she was just trying to vote multiple times but my mom said that she’s probably just using it to make a nest and that this is a sign of a cold winter to come.

Regardless, it’s nice to know that I am not insane and that my destroyed lawn furniture is making the neighborhood festive as Secret Santa Squirrels cavort around the town.

Ho ho ho, motherfucker.

Also, I just realized that Squirrelly Temple may have a penis so possibly the beard is simply an effort to get me to stop misgendering him but I don’t have a good male squirrel name yet.

Hang on.  “James Squirrel Jones,”  Nailed it.