So yesterday I woke up to my computer giving me the universal sign for “NOPE”…
…and I considered that this was the universe’s way of giving me the day off but Victor said that’s not how days off work so I tried to fix it but the furthest I could get was a flashing folder giving me the universal “what the shit have you done?” symbol…
…and I was like, “I DON’T FUCKING KNOW” and I spent hours trying to fix it using a variety of suggested steps from the internet that were so unhelpful I decided to make my own more realistic one:
Is your computer all borked up and shit? Follow these simple steps:
- Hold down the command button and also every third button on your keyboard for exactly 27.4 seconds.
- Enter the password for something you didn’t even know you ever had a password for.
- Forgot your password? Click to send a recovery link to the email you no longer have access to and/or also don’t know the password to.
- Restart the computer while holding your 8th grade report card in your left hand.
- Reload applications
- Consider googling “What are applications and how to reload them” but realize you can’t because your computer is broken.
- Realize your warranty expired 18 seconds ago.
- Eat a sandwich angrily.
- Regret not learning what a “cloud” is and how to put things in it.
- Continue following long step-by-step recovery process. On step 10 realize this list was written in 2004 and is now outdated.
- Start over again with a new step-by-step written last week. Realize halfway through it’s outdated as well.
- Download updated browser.
- Follow error signs saying you can’t download browser without updated flash.
- Update flash.
- Follow error signs saying you can’t download flash without updated browser.
- Consider becoming Amish.
- Remember how much you like cat videos.
- Call tech support. Get advice that doesn’t work.
- Call tech support. Get opposing advice from second guy who says the other guy didn’t know what he was talking about but which also doesn’t work.
- Repeat step 19. Several times.
- Call tech support. Lady says that the computer problem you’re describing isn’t even possible.
- Doubt everything, including own existence.
- Call tech support. New guy listens to your extremely long rant about everything you’ve tried. Asks, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” Lay your head on the keyboard and cry softly.
- Try turning it on and off again even though you’ve already done that multiple times just to show the tech guy you’re not a fucking idiot.
- Stare at the wall and grind your teeth into dust when that totally works.
- When they guy asks, “That fixed it, right?” lie to him and tell him you have to go because you have to set your office on fire.
- Start back at step one 25 minutes later when everything crashes again.
And that’s basically how my day went except for the fire and the fact that in the end we ended up having to buy a whole new computer and reload everything and I think I have everything recovered but now I really do need the day off to recover from yesterday.
PS. Learn from me. BACK-UP YOUR SHIT.