The Bloggess

If you know me in real life you probably already know that I have a nervous tic that becomes obvious when I’m tired, drunk or dealing with anxiety (i.e. 90% of my life) but it’s way more pronounced when I’m stressed out and I often have people DM me to ask if my eyes are okay and I explain that they are but my brain is fucked up except that now apparently my eyes are also broken too because in the last few weeks they’ve been watering constantly and I have a rash on my eyelids that itches like hell and it’s getting worse so I went to my doctor and jokingly said, “I think I’m allergic to my own tears” and she was like, “Yeah, pretty much” and basically I think I just became a bad country song.

And technically it’s less of an “allergy” and more of a “reaction” but it’s still totally shitty and I would cry about it but that would just make it worse.

Anyway, I wanted to post a video of me and the cats a few days ago but my anxiety was high so my blinking tic was slightly more obvious so I tried to do another video and not have my hard blinking tic but trying not to do it makes me do it more and it was like I was playing the staring game with myself and still failing miserably.

But then today I was looking at the video again and I decided, fuck it, and I just posted the video because 1) these things we hate about ourselves are not nearly as noticeable to everyone else as they are to ourselves and 2) because cat videos are a balm in this dark world.

TL;DR – Maybe you also have some embarrassing thing that you want to hide but maybe if we all just show our brokenness together the weird bumps and tics and lumpy imperfections of our humanity will all blend together and we’ll realize that no one really gives a shit and that we just need to live our lives without fear of these tiny things that seem big but really aren’t.

Or maybe I’ll just get some very dark prescription sunglasses.

One of those.

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Writing with cats.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Nov 8, 2018 at 12:43pm PST

Spoiler alert: He totally ate my notes.

I just got back from voting and the line wasn’t bad at all and it was as smooth as usual.  They were running low on stickers because the voter turn-out is much higher than usual (go democracy!) so I printed my own.

(You can print your own here.)

And now as we all nervously watch the results let’s have some fun.  If your name + your last text message is your campaign slogan what would yours be?

Mine would be:

Jenny Lawson: I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR THIS.

Fitting really.

Today is National Author’s Day so I’m sharing a series of one-minute videos I made while trying to write my new book so you can see the only thing more difficult to combat than my own crippling self-doubt.

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Live cam of me writing a book.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Sep 17, 2018 at 1:48pm PDT

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View from my computer monitor. #writersblockincatform

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 17, 2018 at 12:30pm PDT

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Video: live webcam from my computer monitor. #glamorouswriterslife #ferrismewlerisarealasshole

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 17, 2018 at 2:19pm PDT

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I just want to write in peace.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 25, 2018 at 8:05pm PDT

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Exhibit 89 for why I need a door on my office.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 26, 2018 at 3:15pm PDT

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I mean, really? #writerswithcats

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 30, 2018 at 10:41am PDT

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It’s every day, you guys.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 31, 2018 at 10:14am PDT

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This is fine. Everything is fine.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 31, 2018 at 11:01am PDT

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“Helping.”

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Nov 1, 2018 at 10:36am PDT

I would close the door except that Victor took the only office in the house so my office is the dining room and it doesn’t have doors.  Also even if I had doors they would just scream at them to be let in, plus Ferris Mewler is polydactyl and has thumbs so he can totally open the door.

In conclusion, my coworkers are more annoying than yours are.  But also possibly cuter.  And less hypoallergenic.

This isn’t a real post.  Just an update.  A few weeks ago I shared a list of horror movies I was going to watch this month and you guys gave me great suggestions so I ended up with a giant, wonderful list and I’m sharing the full thing today since it’s Halloween.

I ended with The Haunted of Hill House but technically I started watching it days ago AND IT’S SO GOOD.  Like, so good I think I’ll start watching it again as soon as I’m done.

October viewing list:

October 1 – Burnt Offerings (1976)

October 2 – The Witch (2015)

October 3 – Get Out (2017)

October 4 – Carnival of Souls (1962)

October 5 – Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975)

October 6 – Shaun of the Dead (2004)

October 7 – I am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House (2016)

October 8 – Babadook (2014)

October 9 – A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)

October 10 – The Host – (2006)

October 11 – A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night

October 12 – Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010)

October 12b – Let The Right One In (2008)

October 14 – What We Do In The Shadows (2014)

October 15 – We Are What We Are

October 16 – Train to Busan (2016)

October 17 – Cloverfield Lane (2016)

October 18 – Troll Hunter (2010)

October 19 – Dawn of the Dead (1978)

October 20 – The Shining (1980)

October 21 – Rear Window (1954)

October 22 – The Invitation (2015)

October 23 – 28 Days Later (2002)

October 24 – The Moth Diaries (2011)

October 25 – The Strangers (2008)  Sorry.  That was too torturey for me.  Let’s change that to The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell (2018)

October 26 – The Apostle (2018)

October 27 – The Changeling (1980)

October 28 – Raw (2016)

October 29 – The Conjuring

October 30 – It Follows (2014)

October 31 – The Haunting of Hill House (2018 tv version)

Today is National Cat Day so to celebrate I got a tattoo of Ferris Mewler:

He was very impressed.

“Wait. What is that?”

“Is that…me?  JESUS.”

“I AM NOT READY FOR THIS LEVEL OF COMMITMENT.  YOU HAVE MISREAD THE SIGNALS, LADY.”

In the end, it was too much love for him to handle.  Luckily I still have another shoulder that needs tattooing.

Also not thrilled.

PS. This is not a real tattoo because I suck at making decisions so I can’t decide what should go on my body forever.  It’s a temporary tattoo fan art of Ferris Mewler and it’s awesome but I spilled water on my desk and now I can’t read the name of the artist so if you made this let me know in the comments and I’ll tag you.

PPS.  Never mind, I just found her name!  Thanks Danelle Jones for the fabulous fan art.

Happy National Cat Day, y’all.

Actual phone call I took today:

Him: Hello Miss Jenny Lawson.  I am calling from Health and Human Services.  Your government is giving you a grant you do not have to repay for $14,588.  You were selected because you pay your taxes on time and do not have a criminal record.  Congratulations!

me: But I do have a criminal record.

Him:  Ma’am, have you murdered anyone?

me:  Yes, but they haven’t found all the bodies yet.

Him:  *click*

Call from the same number, different guy, 2 hours later:

Him:  Hello Miss Jenny Lawson.  I’m calling from Health and Human Services.  You are being given a grant for $14,588 because you pay your taxes on time and have no criminal record and your government wants to reward you and 5,000 other selected people.  How does that sound?

me: But I do have a criminal record.

Him: Ma’am, have you murdered someone?

me:  Yes, but only because they tried to steal money from me using a phone scam.

Him: …Oh.

me:  Yeah.

Him: Ma’am, are you married?

me:  Yep.

Him: You should divorce your husband and marry me.

me:  Well this took a turn.

Him:  I’m serious.  I only took this job to find a smart woman who could match me intellectually.  That woman is you.

me:  I’m gonna pass but if you could remove me from your list I would really appreciate it.  You’re wasting my time and yours.

Him:  True love is never a waste of time.

And that’s the weirdest phone call I’ve gotten all week.

Every time I go to the drug store I find clearance halloween pet costumes and Victor says that’s a sign that I’m taking too many drugs but really it’s more just a sign that I’m too lazy to go to the grocery store. Also, I don’t think the grocery store has pet costumes but they should because OMG YOU GUYS:

I bought this one for Dorothy Barker but she hated it so instead Hunter S. Thomcat got it. He didn’t love it but he was too lazy to take it off.

Dottie was also not a giant fan of this one either because she doesn’t like wigs so I tried to give it to Ferris Mewler.

He was not impressed.

In fact, he kept hovering over the stove like he wanted to catch himself on fire. So, not a winner.

And then, just as I was giving up on finding a halloween outfit that one of my furry children would actually wear, the perfect outfit appeared.

She loves it. Probably because I keep giving her treats for being adorable. And maybe because she gets to hold a knife. Hard to say.

PS. My daughter has inherited the terrible pun gene.

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Argh.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 24, 2018 at 1:49pm PDT

Happy Howloween.

I’m a big fan of Halloween so this year I’ve decided to dress up as one of my favorite characters ever.

Victor and Hailey had just watched the show the character was from so it was fresh in their minds when I put everything together and walked out to surprise them:

me: “Are you terrified? You should be. At any rate, I’m not going to kill you. Well, maybe after dessert. I put a lot of effort into the key lime pie.”

Victor: Huh.

me:  Pretty good impersonation, right?

Hailey:  I don’t get it.  Who are you supposed to be?

me:  Really?  Hang on. “I used to be an outcast, a freak. I go proudly to the flame. Go ahead, BURN ME.”

Hailey: ?

me:  REALLY?  Your daughter doesn’t know who I am.

Victor:  Well she isn’t very familiar with Ronald McDonald.

me:  I’M NOT RONALD MCDONALD.  Seriously, you guys?

Hailey: Give me another hint.

me: “Don’t be a hater, dear.”

Hailey:  I give up.  Who is mom supposed to be?

Victor:  She’s Wendy’s.

me: wtf

Hailey:  Oh.  Well you should be wearing blue and carrying a frosty.

me:  I hate you both.

Victor:  We’re just kidding.  We know you’re…Ron Weasley’s grandma?

Hailey:  Oh my God, totally.  You nailed it, mom.

PS.  For those of you who do not watch American Horror Story, I’m Myrtle Snow.  Well, Myrtle Snow on a fifty dollar budget.

PPS.  They maybe have a point.  Have a frosty.

A friend on Facebook had this on her wall and I though it was a joke… 

…but apparently she did not because she explained that kids today are too sexualized and need to know to leave room for the holy spirit because that keeps them from dancing too close and rubbing their junk together and I guess I get the concept but wouldn’t that mean that now they’re all rubbing their junk on Jesus?  Because that seems like you’re just trading one problem for a bigger one.  So I was like, “Stop grinding on Jesus.  He doesn’t have time for dirty dancing menage-a-trois.  He’s got shit to do.”

And that’s the third person who unfriended me this week.

Dealing with chronic mental illness is hard.  A few months ago I finished TMS to treat my depression and anxiety and it helped but I still struggle.  I have a friend who is in AA who talks about working the program…doing the steps you continually need to do to stay healthy…and I realized how much I relate to that right now.

TMS gave me a reset button but I still have bad days.  I still feel myself dip back into that dark place.  I have more tools now than ever and that helps but sometimes the only thing that I accomplish in a day is just surviving.  It’s both an amazing achievement while also tinged with shame as you see others who seem to whiz past you as you barely tread water.  Maybe they’re treading water too.  You can’t tell.  You’re just trying to breathe.

Today is one of those days for me.  I think it’s the weather.  It’s dreary and rainy and my joints hurt and it makes me not want to get out even though my doctor prescribed walking 30 minutes a day to keep my depression at bay.  It’s part of my program.  Today I took Hailey to school and then I went back to bed and stayed there until noon.  I didn’t enjoy it.  People without depression won’t understand that, but the fatigue of mental illness makes your very body a prison.  The bed smelled sour.  I couldn’t concentrate on reading.  Victor is out of town so I have no one to make me get up.

But I have to work the program.  So I got up.  I walked in the cold for 10 minutes.  Then I did another 10.  Then I hit 30.  I brushed my teeth and took a shower.  I brought my light therapy lamp out of storage.  I wrote this post.

This is a good day.  As far as mental illness is concerned, that is.  I got out of bed.  That in itself is pretty amazing.  It doesn’t always happen.  But today it did and I’m proud of that.  I will continue to work my program.

It’s a program I add to all the time, finding tools that work for me.  I share them with others.  Others share them with me.  We get along.  Together.  And alone.

So today I’m sharing some of my steps.  I’m not sharp enough to think of them all but for now I’m writing them down to remind myself that I’m worth following them.  If you have steps that help you please share them.

1.  Follow your doctors orders.  For me that means antidepressants and behavioral therapy.
2. Exercise 30 minutes a day, 6 days a week.
3. Get sunlight, or if you can’t, use light therapy.  Do not over use even though you want to.
4. Treat yourself like you would your favorite pet.  Plenty of fresh water, lots of rest, snuggles as needed, allow yourself naps.
5. Avoid negativity.  That means the news, people, movies.  It will all be there when you’re healthy again.  The world will get on without you seeing it.
6. Forgive yourself.  For being broken.  For being you.  For thinking those are thing that you need forgiveness for.
7. Those terrible things you tell yourself?  Can you imagine if the person you love most was telling themselves those things?  You’d think they were crazy.  And wrong.  They think the same about you.  Those negative things you are thinking are not rational.  Remember that depression lies and your brain is not trustworthy.
8. Give yourself permission to recover.  I’m lucky that I can work odd hours and take mental health days but I still feel shitty for taking them.  Realize that sometimes these slow days are necessary and healthy and utterly responsible.
9. Watch Doctor Who.
10. Love on an animal.  Go adopt a rescue or if you can’t go to the shelter and just snuggle a kitten.  Then realize that that same little kitten that you’re cradling isn’t going to accomplish shit but is still wonderful and lovely and so important.  You are that kitten.
11. Get up.  Go brush your teeth.  Go take a hot shower.  If you do nothing else today just change into a new pair of pajamas.  It helps.
12. Remember that you are not alone.  There are crisis lines filled with people who want to help.  There are people who love you more than you know.  There are people who can’t wait to meet you because you will teach them how unalone they are.  You are so worthy of happiness and it will come.

One day when I’m in a better place I will come back to this and fix the typos and add all the things I’ve forgotten but today I know that if I don’t publish it I will delete it and hate myself for not finishing it.  So I’m publishing it.  And I suppose that’s another step.  Trust in your words, even when you second-guess them.

Sorry this is so rambly.  It’s the best I can do.