The Bloggess

If you’ve been reading here you know I’ve been in a massive depression the last few months and that I’ve been doing ketamine injections to try to pull myself out and (KNOCK ON EVERY PIECE OF WOOD) I actually think it’s working. Today I went through and answered all of the emails that I’ve gotten over the last month and it was so easy. These are the same emails that have been haunting me every single day but I’d never answered (or even opened in some cases) because I didn’t have the brain power in spite of the fact that a neurotypical brain would think it was a piece of cake.

I’m writing this now because for the last few months I’ve been afraid that I’d sort of lost myself entirely. I couldn’t speak straight or think clearly or write and each day I worried that this was the end and that my brain was slowly winding down to close out for good. This seems ridiculous, but when you’re stuck in a depression that lasts this long it’s easy to feel like it will never end and that everyone hates you or has forgotten you and that the spark that makes you you has gone out for good. This is a reminder to future Jenny (who will undoubtedly be in that dark hole again) that it’s worth sticking around and fighting the battle because the spark is still there. It’s in you. It’s in me. I promise.

Also, I’ve tried to share with you some of the tricks I’ve learned in ketamine therapy in case you try it and my most recent revelation is that having a massive psychedelic trip in a dark room while people poke multiple needles in you is understandably scary so I started asking for the windows to be open and to have something sunshiney on the tv and it really helped to remind me that the world still existed and that I wasn’t dead and trapped in the sunken place. BUT. Last time I went for my treatment the nurse was like, “How about bird videos for cats on youtube?” and that sounded great except turns out it was a 5 minute loop of cute birds that continually ended with a terrifying vulture flying straight at my face.

This is fine.

I could have hit the panic button for help but by the time I had it in my hand it was back to sweet birds and I assumed I’d just hallucinated buzzard-vision but then 5 minutes later it happened again except by that time I had progressed to idouble vision and then I had two terrifying vultures flying at me. Luckily, I soon lost my vision altogether until I started to come out of it and by that time the youtube clip had done what youtube clips do and had gone to a commercial.

OF THE WORLD EXPLODING IN MASSIVE FIREBALLS.

What.

I can’t remember the rest of that commercial but then a guy in an eyepatch came on and was like, “ARE YOU IN A CULT?” and I was like…”Fuck. Am I in a cult?” And I could have just chosen to skip the ads except you can see the remote in the photo and I can assure you that it’s at least 4 miles away after 160 mg of ketamine. Luckily, the nurse stepped in and was like, “Oh. This seems like…not birds” and she was very right. So my hint to you is…don’t watch youtube and also avoid vulture videos while you’re high because they will become 3d and fly directly into your face. I’m not sure you should let your cats watch it either. Just saying.

Another thing that helped? I never get to see people leave so I always assume that I’m the only one who is literally clinging to the nurses as I walk out like some kind of terrible lightweight so this last time I finally asked and the nurse said that most people can’t walk out without help and that they never know how people will react but that there is no wrong way to be. She said she’d had grannies take massive doses and be just fine and burly men take a small dose and never return because they were too freaked out. Everyone is unique. I’m not sure why, but that made me feel better.

Yay for feeling better.

So tonight I’m going in for my 5th ketamine treatment for depression and I know some people really enjoy getting just off-their tits high but personally I enjoy a little bit until I fall into another dimension because I’m always sure I’m going to be stuck there forever but I’ve just found that if I don’t listen to the recommended meditative music and instead listen to music with words it helps remind me that people still exist and that’s helpful. Not as helpful? The fact that my playlist was all Taylor Swift and when I got to Vigilante Shit I was convinced that Tay-Tay was going to murder me so I went back in and only picked happy songs for a playlist but so far it’s only two songs by Lizzo and Billie Joel’s Zanzibar. Please give me suggestions?

And in semi-related news, I was just walking Dorothy Barker and I saw the first bloom on my magnolia tree and it was so lovely because it made me realize that maybe I’m getting a little better because I’m able to recognize something beautiful.

And then I noticed a bunch of dead petals on the ground and googled “When do Texas magnolia trees bloom?” and turns out they bloom February to April so I think what I’m actually seeing is the fucking last bloom, and I can’t tell if that’s really sad because I’ve apparently been so oblivious with depression that I missed a ten foot tall blooming tree, or really great because maybe this is a sign that I’m coming out of it.

I don’t have a good way to wrap this up because I’m starving and have to fast and I can’t have caffeine or my ADD meds so my brain is meh but I promise I’ll be better soon. Lizzo and I love you.