The Bloggess

Here is a list of ridiculous things that happened to me on book tour in no particular order, part 1:

Realized that my nipples were very obvious only minutes before stepping onto the stage and could think of nothing else so I just immediately apologized for my nipples to the large crowd. Then afterwards several people told me they didn’t see any specific nipples and then I felt like I needed to call everyone back to apologize for the lack of nipples. I bet this happened to Shakespeare all the time.

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Victor called as I was getting ready for a reading: What are you doing?

me: Ironing.

Victor: Who is this and what have you done with my wife?

me: FUCK I JUST BURNED A GIANT HOLE IN MY CLOTHES.

Victor: Oh there she is.

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Flying to Oregon. I ask the flight attendant for cranberry juice. She says, “Oh. We don’t have that here?” in a sort of baffled way so say, “Okay, do you have orange juice?” and she says, “Of course we have orange juice” like it’s weird that I would even ask. The girl sitting next to me whispers, “You thought you ordered cranberry juice, didn’t you?” I say, “Did I not?” No. Apparently I asked for cranberry sauce.

As if it was Thanksgiving.

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Signing a book to a woman named Michele who is telling me how much she loved a book I’d signed at Nowhere and had sent to her but I’m used to spelling Michele with two L’s so I accidentally sign it “To Michelle” but then try to fix it by adding “(WITH ONE L) OMG. I’M SO SORRY.” Michele opens up the other book I’d sent her before. It also says, “To Michelle (WITH ONE L) SHIT. SORRY!” I am nothing if not consistent(ly fucking up).

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Waiting at the curb for an uber to take me to an event. The uber keeps saying that it’s there but it’s not there so I end up standing awkwardly next to a teenage boy who is flipping one of those signs advertising a pizza shop for 30 minutes. He asks if I want to do something with him. I tell him I’m married. He says, “Oh, congrats. I gotta piss.” I wonder which of us has had a stroke. He clarifies that he needs someone to hold his sign while he pees in case his boss drives by. He teaches me the basics of flipping a pizza sign and I hit myself in the head twice and almost lose the sign to a gust of wind. When the uber arrives I make him wait while I continue to spin (and drop) the sign until the kid returns and tags me out. The uber driver takes me to the address but I’m looking out the wrong window and I say, “Is this it?” and the driver says “Uh…that’s you, right?” and points to a giant electric sign with my name and face on it and I sort of love the idea that he thinks I might be slightly famous but still pick up odd jobs flipping pizza signs on the sidewalk.

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I have lots more but this is getting long and I have to take the dog out. More later…

Oh, wait..one more thing! This is the 4th week in a row that HOW TO BE OKAY WHEN NOTHING IS OKAY is on the Indie Bookshop bestseller list, and I know the NYT one is fancier but I’ll take the Indie Bookshop list over it any day. That means that booksellers are hand-selling it, and book lovers are supporting their local bookshops and I don’t even have the words for how much I appreciate that.

A few days ago I told you that Hunter S. Thomcat had passed and I said that I would soon write funny happy stuff again but then Ferris Mewler took a very bad turn and the vet said it was time, so today he joined Hunter. Apparently this happens more often than we think…two bonded pets leaving at the same time…and I’m imagining them together and Hunter gleefully showing Ferris around in cat heaven and that’s making it a little easier to deal with.

I know grief is just love that doesn’t have anywhere else to go, but damn…it’s a lot. And now I’m staring at Rolly (last cat standing) and telling her she has to live forever, which she seems set on anyway because she is literally older than this blog and just keeps trucking. I suppose it’s possible that she’s some sort of cat highlander who becomes more immortal every time she outlives another cat but I’m not planning on getting another cat this year (to give us a little time to heal) so instead she’ll have to vampire off the houseplants that I continue to accidentally kill.

Anyway, I’m sorry for two very sad posts in a row. Today I’m going to cry a bit and then tomorrow I”ll’m going to try to be at Nowhere Bookshop for Indie Bookshop Day because being around people is probably a good idea and also because Indie Bookshop Day is our most fun day of the year, so if you see me, feel free to say hi. And Monday I’ll be speaking and signing at Book People in Austin (there are a few more tickets left) and they were going to have it at a church but they changed it to taking place at the bookstore probably because they know I have some sort of dark-aura vampire cat. Does any of this make sense? Sorry. It’s been a rough week. I’ll be better tomorrow.

So.

If you follow me on social media you may already know this but I had to take a few days to recover enough to tell you on here that sweet Hunter S. Thomcat has gone to the great rainbow bridge in the sky to eat unlimited churros forever.

He’d lost control of his lower body over the last year and this weekend he got to the point where he had more bad days than good and the vet said it was time. I flew home in time to say goodbye and cried so much that my eyes literally swelled shut. But then I was like, “Okay, deep breath, I’m lucky I had 14 years with him because even though he was our youngest cat that is still a long life for a kitty and I’m going to be okay” and then Ferris Mewler was like, “HOLD MY BEER” and immediately started acting weird and losing weight and doing that hunchy-back thing that cats do when they feel crappy. So we just got back from the vet who was like, “Look, we’ll do our best, but this cat is old, bro” and scheduled him for a bunch of tests this week and then I was like, “I have another cat who is 19?” and she was like, “Can I offer you a group rate on caskets?”

She didn’t really say that last part but if I don’t make myself laugh I am going to start crying again and my eyes can’t take it.

I also feel a little like I’m failing because the first weeks your new book comes out are so important and I should be blogging about it and telling you all my funny book tour stories but I am too sad to do it today so can you just pretend that I said something that made you go, “OMG, what excellent marketing, Jenny! I need 129 copies immediately” and I promise that in a few days when I feel a little better I will make it up to you.

This is where I should put a somber black and white in-memoriam picture of Hunter but instead I want to celebrate how much silly joy he gave me and everyone else and so I’m sharing this collage of him and Ferris that I shared on this blog 14 years ago this very week.

Thank you, sweet Hunter, for being my heart cat. I miss you.

So. I knew HOW TO BE OKAY WHEN NOTHING IS OKAY wasn’t going to make it on the NYT bestseller list because my team told me it’s one of the hardest lists to get on because this book would fall under the “advice, cookbook, misc” category and that list is only 10 books long and combines hardcover and paperback, and so when that same team called me unexpectedly I was like “Am I in trouble? Are you mad at me?” and they were like, “IT’S NUMBER 4 ON THE NYT LIST!” and then I fell on the floor.

Insane.

Also, for an embarrassing look behind the curtain…because I’m going back to do a few more tour spots starting in a few days I am supposed to post something that makes new people want to read my book because if people see mentions of the tour stops (thanks, Willamette Week!) they may look me up because they are asking, “Is this something I would enjoy?” and the answer is…maybe? If you are weird, anxious, funny and like dark humor then you are in the right place. If you are easily offended, think depression is just made up by big pharma, or are an asshole, this book is not for you. I don’t think I’m doing this right so instead I’m going to just share some of the blurbs of this book even though some make them blush uncomfortably and I will remind myself that celebrating yourself is a very good thing even if it doesn’t come naturally and makes you want to hide under your desk a little.

“I didn’t expect a book about mental health tips to involve a prolonged subplot about trying to steal a human skull from a hospital, and yet here we are. Jenny Lawson is a gift—funny, weird, and the exact right amount of unhinged.”
—Jennette McCurdy – #1 New York Times Bestselling author of Half His Age and I’m Glad My Mom Died

“BABE IT’S SO GOOD.”
—Samantha Irby, New York Times bestselling author of MEATY

“I love this book. It is a cheese and charcuterie tray from the gods. I need Jenny Lawson’s wisdom in my eyeholes for life, please.”
—Felicia Day, New York Times bestselling author of one of Embrace Your Weird

This is a book for when you’re spiraling. When your brain is a jerk. When you’re grieving or exhausted or suddenly remembering the thing you said in seventh grade. Jenny doesn’t pretend her mess has been turned into meaning. She just makes space for all of life’s ridiculous truths so the rest of us don’t feel so alone.”
—Kate Bowler, PhD, Duke professor, bestselling author, and host of the Everything Happens podcast 

“Her words are a mirror for the messy, beautiful parts of life—a reminder that even in the darkest moments, hope can still be found. This book will save lives.” —Kate Baer, #1 New York TimesBestselling author of What Kind Of Woman

“No one writes about serious topics in a funny way like Jenny Lawson. But here’s the thing: when Jenny writes, you laugh in recognition, and with the distinct impression that she wrote specifically to let you know that she sees you, and that you’re not alone. Which, of course, she did, she does, and you’re not.” 
—Karen Walrond, author of The Lightmaker’s Manifesto, Radiant Rebellion, and In Defense of Dabbling

“I hope Jenny Lawson never gets tired of being an actual national treasure.”
—John Scalzi, New York Times bestselling author of Starter Villain

“It’s as if your friend, your funny, comforting and wise best friend–the one who makes you feel like it’s all going to be okay–turned themselves into a book so that you could carry it everywhere and never let it go.” 
—Jennifer Pastiloff, bestselling author ofOn Being Human and Proof Of Life

“Longtime Lawson fans will find comfort in her bleak humor, trademark profanity, and willingness to share some extremely personal, even unhinged anecdotes…Thanks to Lawson’s humor, frankness, and insight, her book ends up being much more than just another standard self-help guide.”
—Library Journal, starred review

“Lawson’s quirky sense of humor will make you laugh out loud, which might be the best possible form of self-help, as when she advises her readers to consider that ‘we’re doing way better than moles. They’re just rearranging dirt underground their whole lives. What a bunch of weirdos.'”
—Kirkus

Next stops:

San Antonio, California, Oregon, and austin! Click here for details and links to reserve a spot. Please, please come!

So last week my book came out and it was so exciting and terrifying and immediately my blog started giving me error messages and completely crashed until I finally fixed it today BECAUSE OF COURSE IT DID.

I tried to keep everything updated on threads because that’s where I hang out most and so if you were following me there you already know many of my adventures, including when I heard someone getting murdered at midnight outside my hotel room in NYC and when I went to check it out (because I’m helpful and stupid) I realized the screaming was coming from the room next to mine and so I recorded 20 seconds of it to give to the police but then I realized that I was actually listening to the most dramatic sex ever interrupted with laughter about cameras and turns out it was someone shooting p0rn. So the next morning I’m being driven to my first book tour stop and I decide to send my sister the video but I’m listening back to it (with my headphones, obviously) to see if I’d picked up how incredibly loud it was and I could barely hear it so I kept turning it up louder and turns out that I couldn’t hear it because I’d forgotten that I’d unplugged my headphones so that I could charge my phone and I was actually playing 12 seconds of terrible p0rn bloopers over and over for my very professional driver. And then I had to text my publicist to tell her that I was not listening to 12-seconds of p0rn bloopers on a loop for lascivious reasons just in case the driver they’d hired for me was concerned that I had some sort of problem. This happened exactly one hour into a five hour drive. *sigh*

But aside from numerous ways I embarrassed myself it was lovely. I went on The Today Show on the weekend and panic-rambled and managed to refer to explosive diarrhea and drool and feet falling off in the first sentence. Below is the dress I wore which doesn’t look like vaginas unless I point out that it looks like vaginas and then all you can see is vaginas. I’m so sorry.

Then right after this, one of the long-time hosts quit but I don’t think it had anything to do me. Probably.

The link to the video is here and it will make you feel better about yourself in comparison because what the fuck am I doing with my hands and also, did I say “my foot fall off”? That’s not even a real sentence. ;/

In spite of the fact that I was weird as hell on live tv I got asked to come on NBC News Now. I was afraid I’d forget what to say so I just wrote everything on my leg as a cheat sheet. This is fine and totally normal.

I had my first two tour stops in New Hampshire and Pennsylvania and they were so much fun, particularly because everyone there was the same level of anxious/weird as me and when I pondered hiding behind a chair to catch my breath the whole audience was like, “DO IT, FRIEND. DO YOU WANT SOME XANAX?”

If you are considering coming to my next stops and are nervous, please know that it is the kindest group of people you will ever meet in your life and everyone is on your side.

(Special thanks to Gibson’s Bookstore and Midtown Scholar Bookstore for putting these together beautifully and to Kate Baer and Rebecca Lavoie for moderating!)

I’m home resting for a few days but I’ll be back on the road for a few more stops so please come if you can.

April 11th – San Antonio Book Festival! I always go and usually moderate for other authors but this time I’m a featured author! It’s free for everyone, so much fun, so many amazing authors. And Nowhere is the official bookseller so we will be there selling books for all the authors and I’ll be doing a signing after I speak if you want your book personalized. 🙂

April 12b (technically April the-unlucky-number but I don’t like to write that number if I can help it. I realize this is weird.) Huntington Beach California Barnes and Noble – Reading, discussion, signing! (I believe this one is almost sold out.)

April 15th – Powell’s in Portland Oregon has rented out Revolution Hall. That’s not intimidating at all, she whispered while hiding under her desk. Reading, talking, signing! Please come!

April 18th – Mom 2.0 : Closing keynote and a signing, I think? I was supposed to be doing BookCon that day which is the biggest book conference that exists, I think, but I declined it when I found out their parent company has ties to ICE. No judgment on others who go. It was just an easy thing that I could say no to when the world seems a little bit on fire.

April 27th – Book People in Austin rented out a whole church for this. What. This one is going to be weird but in the best way. I might bedazzle my kaftan for this one. Come!

Then there’s one at Nowhere that already sold out and when I’m done with all of this and recover I’ll do a free online one at Nowhere in case I’m not coming anywhere near you.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMFG Y’ALL. I just got a text from Nowhere and we get emails from the American Booksellers Association that tell us the Indie Bookstore Bestsellers for the week, and HOW TO BE OKAY WHEN NOTHING IS OKAY is going to be debuting at #3 on their bestseller list! I’m literally crying. This book is different in many ways and I was so afraid that people wouldn’t like it, and the fact that it’s a bestseller on such a special list as one compiled by Indie Bookshops (MAGICAL) is even more special. Holy shit. I don’t even remember what the rest of this blog post was supposed to be about. I’m done. I have to go lay on the floor now.

This is not what I wanted to write. I wanted to write about how I’m about to go on book tour for my new book in a few days. Instead I am writing about the fact that I was just informed that my first book Let’s Pretend This Never Happened was banned from the high school library of a nearby town I love and visit often.

Honestly, I’m not that upset about my book being banned. I’ve had so many letters from young people who felt they’d been helped by my books but it does have some profanity and so I can understand the reasoning even if I disagree with it. What I am upset about is the stories about how New Braunfels ISD has pulled more that 1,500 books from their school library shelves after the Texas’ Republican-backed book banning law (senate bill 13) passed. The bill ordered all public school libraries to review books for “profane” and “indecent” content and I guess Let’s Pretend This Never Happened was deemed too dangerous for high schoolers.

Weirdly, my book was not on the original list of the 1,500 books triggered for review on March 13 but a week ago it was added to the New Braunfels ISD website as being removed for being “non-compliant”. (I’ve been called worse.) I guess 1,500 books weren’t enough. But then, it’s never enough for book banners.

This is going to happen more and more. It used to be a rare thing…almost a badge of courage to have a book banned. Now? It’s everywhere…this war against books and ideas and people. Reading is how you fall in love with people different from you, and how you develop compassion for them…because if you love them, you want to protect them. But there are some people who don’t want you to love others. They need you to fear them.

Books save lives. They have saved mine. Books are safety nets for so many of us, and right now those nets are being cut.

The list of banned books is incredible in length and includes so many that I adore. Equally upsetting is the fact that so many classics that shaped me have been pulled from the shelves and placed into “restricted sections” where they can only be accessed by students enrolled in Advanced Placement Literature, because God forbid a normal high school student would want to read the works of dangerous writers like *checks the list* Jane Austen and Emily Brontë (whose name they misspelled).

Sometimes it feels like we’re living in A Brave New World (restricted) and that the book burning of Fahrenheit 451 (also restricted) is closer than ever, with no Sense and Sensibility (also restricted) about what this will cost. It feels like we’re going through The Crucible (also restricted) and are caught in a Catch-22 (also restricted) where we can’t convince people how terrible it is to ban books because they either don’t know the power of books or they absolutely know it and fear it. It’s An Absolutely Remarkable Thing (banned) how book banners go out on some kind of A Discovery of Witches (also banned) and fight against Acceptance (banned) and of diversity, while we are losing All The Beauty in the World (banned). America is a Beautiful Country (banned) in so many ways, but we will lose so much of that beauty if we don’t make Changes (banned) to cherish and embrace and grow what makes us Educated (banned) and compassionate. The diversity of voices is necessary…it is a reflection of who we are and who we want to be. A plethora of ideas and voices and experiences…This Is What America Looks Like (banned). We can’t just pretend that Everything’s Fine (banned) and that this is just an overreaction of Anxious People (banned). Do you think this is what the founding fathers like Alexander Hamilton (banned) envisioned? I’m going to stop here because I’m sure you can see that this dumb paragraph is WAY TOO EASY TO WRITE because there are so many books they have issues with and you probably get the picture already but y’all….Jane Eyre? The Color Purple? The Odyssey? Crime and Punishment?? THIS IS WHAT WE’RE SAVING TEENAGERS FROM?

So what can you do? You can buy books that are being targeted, especially those written by the LGBTQ+ authors or authors of color because they are being targeted the most. Supporting those authors tells publishing to keep producing those books because they are needed. Publishers will lose money if libraries become afraid to purchase books and so we need to make sure that they know the audience is there and greedy for diverse voices. Get a library card and start checking out those books and more, to prove to the government that libraries need funding and that people care about reading. Read to your children. Read in front of your children. Talk online about the books that you love so that your passion ignites others. If you’re a parent you can get involved with your school to make sure this doesn’t happen in your school and you can protest it if it happens. You can vote out the people who seem to be obsessed with freedom, but mainly when it’s their freedom to take away yours and your children’s. You can run against school board members who are book banners and show up at the meetings. You can keep updated by following organizations like PEN AMERICA, or the Texas Freedom to Read Project or Authors Against Book Bans.

*deep breath*

This is probably filled with typos and is not really the sort of thing that I should be writing the day before I leave to start my book tour but it’s important. When books and thoughts and people are suppressed, we all lose. Keep fighting the good fight, friends. It’s worth it.