The Bloggess

Sorry I disappeared for a little. I don’t know if it was depression or a weird physical sickness but either way I sort of fell apart for a little bit. Feeling tentatively better, but I’m also noting that it’s November and if you’re anything like me it means you need to unpack your light therapy lamp right this second and stop putting it off. Do it now. Done? Awesome. Let’s talk about books.

This month for the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club we’re reading A Grandmother Begins the Story.

Written by Michelle Porter, a descendant in a long line of Métis storytellers, A Grandmother Begins the Story follows five generations of Indigenous women as they reach for the stories to remake their worlds and rebuild their futures.

And I know what you’re thinking…five generations of women?  Isn’t that hard to follow?  And it would be if the characters weren’t incredibly unique and well-rounded.  Also, one of them is a bison.

Additionally, it’s apparently delicious, as Hunter S. Thomcat has tried to eat it several times.

It sounds like a strange sort of book, and it is, but in a really intriguing and important way that I loved.

More of a horror-nerd? Well, this month we’re reading The Paleontologist by Luke Dumas for the Nightmares from Nowhere Book Club.  Did you read his last novel, A History of Fear?  So good.

The Paleontologist is an atmospheric sort of mystery about a haunted paleontologist who returns to the museum where his sister was abducted years earlier and is faced with a terrifying and murderous spirit.  I’m not going to tell you anymore because I don’t want to spoil anything.  And if you’re a member of the club your November book is going to come with this fantastic book bag. Whoop!

(By the way, we currently have spots available in both clubs if you want in before the new year.)

Need more than one book to get though the month? Me too, friend. Here are a few November releases I enjoyed:

Starling House by Alix E. Harrow – A grim and gothic new tale from author Alix E. Harrow about a small town haunted by secrets that can’t stay buried and the sinister house that sits at the crossroads of it all.

The Mystery Guest by Nita Prose  – When I finished Nita Prose’s The Maid I was like, “Can we get a sequel?”  AND WE GOT A SEQUEL.  When an acclaimed author dies at the Regency Grand Hotel, it’s up to a fastidious maid to uncover the truth, no matter how dirty—in a standalone novel featuring Molly Gray.

The Manor House Governess by C.A. Castle – This spirited debut pays homage to the British classics—with a genderfluid protagonist and 21st-century twist—perfect for fans of Emily M. Danforth and Andrew Sean Greer.

The Madstone by Elizabeth Crook –  With echoes of Lonesome Dove and News of the World, the story of a pregnant young mother, her child, and the frontier tradesman who helps them flee across Texas from outlaws bent on revenge, even as an unlikely love blossoms.

The Bittlemores by Jann Arden – Some tough themes (child and animal abuse) but Jann Arden is always worth reading.

The Last Love Note by Emma Grey – In the aftermath of crushing grief, sole parent Kate Whittaker must learn to live and love again.  I’m not usually a romance fan but this one caught my attention and kept it.

The Favorites by Rosemary Hennigan – This book was listed as “dark acadamia” and I thought that meant boarding school horror but turns out it was about the abuse of privilege and power and I liked it even though I kept waiting for the vampires who never showed up.

Mimi’s Tales of Terror by Junji Ito – Nine true stories and urban legends brought to you by the master of weird horror.

Iron Flame by Rebecca Yarros – I haven’t actually finished this one yet because I just picked my copy up but this the sequel to Fourth Wing, which I really loved.

Happy reading and thank you for supporting Nowhere Bookshop! We wouldn’t exist without you.

I’m not here right now because I’m a little bit mentally bleh and I’m sort of too tired to explain so instead just go to my substack if you want. It’s open to everyone and if you don’t want to get emails from me you can just click “no thanks” when it asks if you want to give your email and it’ll let you straight in.

I thought I’d write a little day-in-the-life piece because I always see fancy magazines do that with important people who are not me and who have their shit together, but then I got distracted and now I think it’s more like 38-hours-in-the-life-of? Fuck it. Let’s start.

Took Dorothy Barker for a walk and found a dead lizard frozen in the road. I picked it up and put it in my pocket and then I forgot it was there because I forgot to take my ADHD meds because I have ADHD.

I only remembered later when I put my hand in my pocket and discovered that the lizard was twitching, and was in fact, only mostly dead because I guess I have some sort of secret resurrection powers? Or maybe it was just frozen before and I thawed it out. This is exactly why women need more pockets. We’re saving lives.

Regardless, I carried it inside because it was freezing outside and Victor was less impressed by my possible resurrection talents and more confused that I’d put a dead lizard in my pocket in the first place and I explained that I thought it was poisonous. Victor then had more questions and pointed out that if anything it would be “venomous” rather than “poisonous” because things are only poisonous if you bite them…not if they bite you…and I already knew it wasn’t venomous, but I was worried that it had died because it had been poisoned and then a dog would eat its corpse and get second-hand poisoned like a deadly turducken.

We put it in a cage to wait for the cold snap to clear and I put it on the counter where I keep all the books I need to read (don’t judge me) until Ferris Mewler started getting nosy, so I put Lizzard Borden in my bedroom with soap operas on because that was always nice to watch when I was home sick as a kid.

Went to the grocery store where I was very confused by this Star Wars bag that said “Have a Ghoul-Actic Halloween” because is Darth Vader back from the dead and hungry for human flesh?

Because that’s what a ghoul is.

I asked Victor and he said it was just a pun on “galactic” and I got that because I’m not an idiot, but clearly Vader is decomposing and possessed and it doesn’t seem like something Lucas Arts would approve unless maybe I’d missed this part of the story, but Victor was like, “I don’t think that grocery store bag is canon” and we agreed to disagree.

On the way home I saw this lady walking her dogs who were not eating possible poisoned lizard popsicles and I wanted to yell “YOU’RE WELCOME” but instead I just appreciated her Tick costume, until Victor said she was supposed to be Wolverine. And he’s probably right but it feels like a really wasted opportunity to have The Tick walking a bunch of dogs.

This is the part where I did a lot of work while watching horror movies in the background and that part’s boring so I’ll skip it, except to say that Dorothy Barker often sits on my lap and paws at my keyboard to “help” or to tell me to pet her, but this time she was so exhausted she fell asleep and so I had to stop working so I wouldn’t disturb her, because this is the rule of dogs.

Then I had three groups of trick-or-treaters come to the door but only one group was wearing costumes and I think I’m turning into an old lady because the social contract states that you need to wear a costume or at least say “Trick or treat!” and not just, “Hey” but I still gave everyone candy and then I ate every Almond Joy left in the bag and went to sleep with a lizard who was having a really weird day.

Then Hailey called to tell me they were at the police station and I woke up immediately, but turns out they were there with their sweetheart doing a trunk-or-treat and wanted me to know they were having a good time. and I thanked God that their college years are so much more tame than mine ever were.

And in the morning I let Lizzard Borden go next to the shrub I think he lives in and I can only imagine the stories he had to tell his wife who would never believe him, and how sad he’d probably be to never know what happens next on Guiding Light.

I realize it looks like I hung a dead lizard in my bush (not a euphemism) but I assure you I just caught him mid-leap.

I’ve just read this all back and I think I figured out why no one has ever done a day-in-the-life of me yet.

PS. Forgot to add…got a picture of my favorite costume of the year from my friend Jennifer who went as…an Indie Bookshop:

This Halloween feels very different because it’s the first one where Hailey isn’t here to dress up so in true empty-nest fashion I decided that Hunter S. Thomcat would be a fair substitute, especially since he actually enjoys wearing hats and costumes. And it was awesome.

Except that Hunter is a pleasingly plump cat and every time he moved his dress would pop open. (Relatable.)

He was not pleased. Although it really helped him nail the angry Wednesday Addams look.

So we pivoted.

And I was quite pleased until I realized that I also was popping out of my dress and the wig was uncomfortable so instead I’m switching to an obscure literary costume that probably no one will understand but if you do we need to be friends immediately because we had the same weird-ass childhood.

This weekend I did a book festival in Pennsylvania and when I got off the plane I was like, “OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THE TREES. THEY’RE CHANGING COLOR” and the uber driver was like, “…Uh… they don’t have trees where you come from?” and that is a fair question but the thing is that these trees were like red on one side and yellow in the middle and green on the other side, like autumnal rainbow snowcones and maybe you’re reading this and going, “Again…yeah. That’s how trees work” but that is not how trees work in San Antonio, where they are either green or brown or dead. I don’t know why I just assumed that when trees change colors that they would be green one day and red the next but it was sort of amazing and mortifying to see that they actually TURN colors. It makes me wonder what amazing thing I take for granted in seeing that other people would be awed at and I’m not sure what that would be but it did remind me of the importance of embracing moments. Which leads to this:

When my last book (Broken) came out it was in the middle of covid so I didn’t do a book tour. I did one incredibly limited signing at Nowhere and that was it for in-person events. But this weekend at the Harrisburg Book Festival I did my first full signing in so many years and it was amazing and made me realize how sad I was that I never had a real book tour for Broken.

But then I remembered that I own a bookstore and that rules about when you do things are dumb so I’ve decided to do a Second-Chance Book Tour where I basically just hang out at Nowhere Bookshop one day and if you missed having any of my books signed you can just stop in and I’ll sign it for you. I should have all my books available but if you bought one before just bring it in and I’ll sign it or double sign it. Also, I encourage you to do whatever it was you missed during covid. Did you miss prom? Come dressed in your prom dress. Did your community opera get cancelled? Stand in the middle of the bookshop and serenade us for a minute. Did you not get to propose in public? Come do it again in the romance section. Did you never get the chance to wear some fancy-ass hat or weird robe or want me to officially give you a medal for completing your reading goal? Let’s do it. But bring your own medal. Unless I can find some by November 26th (Sunday). That’s when we’re doing it in case you’re in San Antonio for Thanksgiving weekend. And if you can’t make it you can always get a signed copy of anything right here and I’ll mail it to you. More details to come but feel free to let me know if you have suggestions for this weird-ass, one-year late, one day, second-chance book tour that will consist of raccoon stamps, some sort of special drinks I haven’t decided on yet, probably empanadas, me breaking into improptu readings every so often even if only 5 people are there while wearing some ridiculous thing I never wore in public because I thought it was too embarrassing. Put it on your calendar. It’s free.

In slightly related news, yesterday I went to the store to personalize books and, as always, I fucked up at least one in every 10, including this one which was supposed to be a gift in lieu of a birthday card:

*sigh*

In my defense, I’m an idiot and this is proof that I can never stop overthinking.

PS. Also slightly related, a lovely friend named Gina emailed me recently to tell me a story. She was with her friend Bryan who’d been my very first book signing many years before when he was fighting leukemia and I’d written “Kick cancers ass!” This time he was back for the FURIOUSLY HAPPY tour and I was thrilled to be able to write a new inscription:

And his friend Gina had her inscription request written on her post-it (because I need all the help to write things correctly) and she requested a similar, inspirational “Keep kicking ass!”

Last week she sent me a picture of what I’d actually written and I was like, “Oh Gina, no. I didn’t.” and she was like, “Girl, you 100% did and I love you.”

Reader, this is what I wrote and handed to her:

Y’all. What.

Luckily Gina thought it was hilarious and it became a fantastic inside joke with her friends for years (and I just mailed her a handwritten note to stick in her book apologizing and explaining why I shouldn’t be allowed to sign things) but now I’m just wondering how often I’ve accidentally written stuff like that to other people??

Do other authors do this? Can I blame this on my dysgraphia? Should I come with a warning label? Do I owe you an apology for something I wrote that I was certain was just fine but was actually awful?

Either way, please read this and feel better about yourself in comparison.

PPS. Last week I went in to sign books and the Nowhere team was like, “You signed this one to Azaria but it’s supposed to be to Jordan. Azaria is the person who bought it as a gift for Jordan” and then I was all, “I actually did realize that after I’d already started it, so to fix it I implicated Azaria in a bank heist in the inscription and then wrote a PS on the bottom to Jordan telling him that he should save this book because if he ever needs an alibi for a bank heist he can could just use this book to prove that Azaria was the criminal mastermind, and I realize that’s tricky for Azaria but you know what’s an even better gift than a personalized book? A PERSONALIZED BOOK AND A LICENSE TO ROB A BANK. Technically I just made this a much better present and made Azaria look like a dangerous bad-ass” and then my team with was like, “Yeah. Let’s maybe just have you sign another book.” Which is fair, I guess, but maybe don’t rob any banks, Jordan.

My friend Lucie has a fabulous instagram where she teaches something new each day, but today I just watched her latest and I felt incredibly embarrassed for her:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Lucie Frost | Writer | Humor (@luciehfrost)

Because I am a constant reader, 6th grade spelling bee champ, and author of multiple bestsellers and I know for a fact that “perogative” does not start with “pre”. No one says “Prerogative“. That’s dumb as fuck. But then I started to doubt myself and I looked up “perogative” and google was like “DID YOU MEAN ‘PREROGATIVE’, YOU ABSOLUTE BAG OF HAMMERS?”

So then I asked Victor how to spell “perogative” and he spelled it the right way and I told him that the internet and all of my dictionaries insists it’s always been “PRErogative” and now we’re pretty sure this is a Mandela Effect thing where we’ve accidentally been spit out of another dimension where we spelled it the right way and everyone else in this dimension is wrong.

Anyway, is it just us? Also, welcome if you happen to be from the same alternate timeline as us. Feel free to keep spelling it the right way. It’s your peroga-ahem- it’s your choice.