Category Archives: Random Crap

We’re haunted

So I was working and I kept hearing this incredibly loud stomping like there’s a Frankenstein upstairs and Victor is out of town so it had to be Hailey so I called her and was like, “What are you doing?  Clogging?  Stomping spiders?  Because it’s incredibly loud” and she was like, “I’m in bed reading” and obviously she was lying and was ashamed of clogging (because frankly, it was really not great) so I was like, “Ok, whatever” but then 30 seconds later it started again so I went upstairs to catch her in the act but she was totally in bed and she was all, “What are you stomping on out there?” and I was like, “Dude.  We’re haunted.”  So I started recording on my phone as we tiptoed around the house following the sounds of the footsteps and suddenly there were creepy mumbled voices and so Hailey picked up a vase and held it menacingly over her head because I guess she doesn’t understand how ghosts work and then I stuck my head out of the window and turns out there were a bunch of dudes on the roof so I told Hailey, “There are dudes on the roof?” and she was like, “Ghost dudes?” and that’s when I realized I really needed to expose her to more horror films because obviously I’ve failed as a mother.  Also, turns out Victor just forgot to tell me that he’d scheduled people to check for roof damage while he was out of town and honestly, I’m relieved to know what it was but also just a little bit disappointed.

Well, helloooooo there.

Last week I found this old antelope with a broken ear in a thrift shop and it looked at me as if to say…

“Really?”

And the “Really?” I heard was like, “Really, you’re going to pass me by when you have a bookshop wall that probably needs magical taxidermy?  I’VE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR DECADES” and I was like, “OMG, you are my everything”.   Victor heard the same baffled “Really?” except it was out loud and coming from his own mouth as saw me cradling my new sister as I walked through the store.

I’ve spent the last week deciding how to recreate her majesty, trying all of my wigs and hats on her.  Antelope Margaret?  Antelope Brontë?  Farrah Fawncett?  Goldie Fawn?  Fawn Solo?  Antelope of Green Gables??  They were all good, but one name rose above the others as I pulled out my padded headbands and scarves and costume jewelry.

May I introduce…

Antelope dressed as Anee Boleyn

Antelope Boleyn.

Long may she reign.

Fucking nailed it, y’all. I can’t even tell which one is which.

I should make people sign an acknowledgement before they come in the house.

So the exterminator came over and asked to use the bathroom and I was like, “Sure” and then I heard him yelling and assumed he was yelling at someone on the phone in the bathroom but he was getting more upset and then I realized he was yelling, “I SAID, THERE’S SOMEONE IN HERE” in a really panicked sort of way and that’s when I realized that Ferris Mewler was mad that someone was peeing without him and was doing that thing he does where he tries to open the bathroom door and if it’s locked he hangs on it and aggressively stomps on the door jamb so it sounds like a maniac is pounding at the door while trying to force the door knob and I was like, “SORRY, HE DOESN’T SPEAK ENGLISH OR HAVE PERSONAL BOUNDARIES” and I realized that he would never believe that a cat could open doorknobs while pounding on the door so I took a picture and then I thought it was probably even weirder that he could hear someone trying to break the door down while someone else took pictures and that’s why I have to hire a new exterminator.

Happy New Year!

Last year was hard.  Lots of personal struggles and mental illness bullshit and seven family deaths in the last six weeks.  I had some wonderful moments but I also often felt like I was slogging through life and that I would never finish anything.  But in the last few weeks the depression that slows me down so much lifted and I was able to work again like an almost normal human being and last night, just hours before the new year rolled in, I finally finished edits on my next book.

MAY I REQUEST THE LOUDEST OF WHOOPS?

Of course, it’s possible that I will need more edits and even if the edits are accepted I still have to do copy-editing and legal review and a million other things but it is such a relief to know that right this moment my next book is close to being done.  And hopefully this year it will find you in the world.

I’m writing this to remind myself that it can be done.  That even when life and the world and your broken brain seem to collude against you things will brighten again.  I’m writing this to remind myself that even when I feel like a failure these small steps forward eventually add up to something.  And I’m writing to remind you of that too.  It’s okay to struggle, to feel worthless, to fail and to question…but you will get through this.  I will too.

My amazing friend Adele Morse agreed to read some of my book as I was struggling to finish it and it inspired her to create an amazing faux-taxidermy mascot for the book:

Her name is Shirley and she’s misplaced her glasses, her wine glass is empty and she has a giant bowl of comfort macaroni and cheese that is not sharing with anyone and I have never felt more seen in my life.

So here is to full glasses and more macaroni and finishing books and to remembering that it all works out in the end.

Probably.

Happy 2020, y’all.  Shirley and I are toasting you right now.

Happy birthday to us all!

Hello and happy birthday to us!

If you too are born in the perineum of no man’s land that stretches from Christmas to New Years I salute you and recognize your struggle.  But today is going to be different because today is now your birthday too and if you are reading this my birthday wish is for you to do something really lovely for yourself or someone else today.

Go out for pie, watch your favorite movie, buy that thing you’ve been thinking about, take a lovely long bath, bring donuts to a friend and re-watch your favorite movie, go snuggle animals at the shelter, rob a bank, go to the park, whatever makes you happy.

And then when someone says “Why are you doing all this nice stuff for yourself” you can say, “FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE.  I DESERVE IT.”  Or you can just say, “It’s a birthday gift…because I’m a good friend“.

Happy birthday, us!

PS.  Unrelated but fun:

Revenge is a dish best served…meowing.

I was going to write about this, but then Xmas happened and I got distracted so in case you didn’t see it on twitter…this bit of magic happened:

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Victor:  Why do you keep calling the cat by different names?

me:  Because there are so many good ones and I can’t pick just one.  Margaret Catwood?  Jules Purrn?  Emily Lickinson?  Purrman Meowville?  Jane Pawston?  Holden Clawfield?

Victor:  Terry Scratchett?

me:  Never change.

 

 

 

 

 

Book-Loving Strangelings Unite!

Have you ever wanted to join a group of well-read, like-minded weirdos who have your back and aren’t afraid to stab a bitch in the thigh with a fork if things get out of hand?

Have you yearned to join a book club because you love reading but you have misgivings because it would require you to leave your house and put on pants and talk to people in real life?

Have you ever read a book and thought, this is the best thing I’ve ever read but I’m not sure anyone else in the world will get it and then later you find someone whose favorite book is also about murderous dwarves or true stories from morticians or hilarious essays or some other thing you thought made you a total weirdo but actually made you just the right kind of weirdo?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then your presence is formally requested at the Fantastic Strangeling Book Club.

badge for the club. includes image of bloggess, hamlet von schnitzel and books

WTF is a Strangeling?

A strangeling is a word I made up to describe those people who are strange and unusual in the best possible way.  They often feel like outsiders or misfits until one day they find their strange tribe of others and then realize that they are not alone.  Additionally, your spellcheck will try to change it “strangling” and that actually makes things very interesting when you email your dick boss that you can’t stay late because you have work to do for your strangling club.  EVERYONE WINS.

What is the Fantastic Strangeling Book Club?

It’s a monthly book selected by me delivered right to your front door.

What does it cost and what do I get?

There’s a $10 enrollment fee to get set up.  Then you’re charged the list price of the book (plus tax if applicable) and shipping every month when the book ships out. All books will be brand new that month – some hardcovers and some trade paperback originals.  You can cancel at any time.

What else do I get?

Each new enrollment gets a bad-ass Nowhere Bookshop enamel pin in their first shipment. We’ll also include little gifts randomly throughout the year.

When will the book club actually meet?

HAHAHAHAHA.  Oh, you’re serious. This is a book club made by introverts for introverts so you never have to actually leave your house unless you totally want to.  We have a special facebook group where we can discuss the book and make friends and feel social even when we’re hermity and maybe sometimes we’ll even be joined by the author.  If you live in San Antonio I’m guessing there will be meet-up by members all the time so if you want to come out and have a drink when the store opens that will totally be amazing.

But what if I’ve already bought this month’s book? 

These will all be new releases so hopefully that won’t ever happen but if for some reason you have a weird conflict (like the author looks like the girl who stole your Lisa Frank notebook in 7thgrade) then you can email us before we ship and we’ll try to send you something else or you can skip that month and pick back up next month.

I already have too many books.

I’m sorry.  I understand these words separately but not in that order.

I can’t afford a membership and now I’m sad.

I totally get it.  If you can’t afford to be an official member of the club you can still be an honorary member.  I’ll be announcing the book of the month online so you can join our discussions there.

Can I buy a membership as a gift for someone else?

Yes you can!  And just like your own membership you can cancel at any time so if you want to just give a membership for 3 months or a year or whatever you can do that without fear of being locked in.

So what do I do now?

Click here to join the crew now.  Or if you have questions, just email us at orders@nowherebookshop.com.

Did we just become best friends?

Yup.

Butthole sunbathing

me:  On Instagram I’ve been seeing these people doing “perineum sunbathing“.  It’s  literally tanning your butthole.  Supposedly 30 seconds of sunlight in your butthole is equivalent to a full day’s worth of sun so allegedly you supercharge yourself.  Through your butthole.  And this seems ridiculous for a lot of reasons but mostly it just seems illogical because the dog is sunning her butthole all damn day and she’s…well actually she is sort of supercharged and has way too much energy, but I’m pretty sure that’s not from a solar super power coming from her butthole.

Victor:  …Huh.

me:  I’m sorry what was your question?

Victor:  How was your day?

me:  Oh right.  It was fine.

Books!

Nowhere Bookshop is currently in transformation mode…

(The ancient tile is still safe under that rubble, btw.)

Currently we’re doing planning for design and layout apparently now I have to start thinking about actual books. Who knew?

The shop is big but not big enough for every type of book we’d like so I wanted your thoughts on genres. Personally when I go into a bookstore I go to memoirs, nonfiction, sci-fi, horror, art, short stories, YA, graphic novels and the children’s section. That means that my view of bookstores is a bit limited so I wanted to see what parts are your favorites so I can make sure I didn’t miss anything or underestimate a section.

Help a future bookseller out?

Also, a lot of you have asked how you can help support and get involved with Nowhere and I think I have an idea for something really fun but I still need to work on it so stay tuned.

PS. If it won’t let you choose more than one genre you can click “return to poll” and add another vote for another section.

UPDATED: A little present for you

UPDATED AGAIN (Wednesday afternoon):  Alright…I think this one will work.  Click here for what feels like the 11,000th version of the 2020 calendar:

 

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UPDATED (Wednesday morning):  OKAY, STOP ORDERING.  Zazzle is pulling all calendars because of “content.”  At first I thought that my drawing for June was too risqué:

But turns out they say the police box on the cover is a Doctor Who copyright.  I’m a little irked that all police boxes are not TARDISes but also a little happy that all police boxes are TARDISes and also just really tired of redoing calendars.  But I’m going to fix this one and I’ll let you know when it’s fixed.

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Original posting (Tuesday night):

It took a few days and several false starts and some weird errors where it seemed like it sold out in literally 2 minutes but now it’s fixed…  (I think.)

…so if you want one, just click right here.

(I was going to wait to post this until tomorrow but it’s half off tonight and I’m not sure it’ll still be on sale Wednesday.)

I’ve been working on drawings in the last month when I was dealing with some mental stuff and I’ve included several of those in the calendar.  But if you don’t want the calendar  or money is tight then I’m going to just put a few sketches here and you can just print them out yourself and color them or use them to cover holes in the wall or whatever.  (Click them to embiggen.)

The one above I did when I was feeling a bit angsty.  The one below I did when I was feeling…well…not as optimistic.

I don’t have an ending for this post because my head is made of pudding at the moment and I’m out of ADD meds.  Sorry.

Love.