I can’t do this justice by writing it so instead I’m putting it on instagram. Start here:
When worlds collide.
PS. If you happen to have a Game of Furiously Happy Thrones copy just email me at jenny@thebloggess.com and I’ll forward it to the publisher who can get you a pristine, new copy with slightly fewer dragons.
You know how at the beginning of January people pick a word to inspire them in the coming year? Like, “Win” or “Thrive” or “Beauty”? I never really do these because I don’t like rules even if they’re self-imposed but this year is different because I have a word.
I have begun reading Moby Dick about 380 times in my life and always give up after 200 pages. That book is my white whale. But this year I decided to finally finish it so that I could stop seeing it on my reading list and I was rewarded with passages like this one:
511 pages into Moby Dick. Still no white whale. So much sperm.
I read countless passages about whale anatomy, including an entire chapter about how you can turn a whale’s penis inside out and make it into a sleeveless raincoat. A then in like the last few pages the whale finally showed up and at that point I was 100% rooting for him to destroy everyone including me. And then it was done.
And I felt really happy. Because I never have to read it again. (Apologies to those of you who like it. You are smarter than me and probably have less ADD.)
I felt a profound sense of accomplishment in finishing a book I’ve literally been reading since I was in hight school and I decided to take that forward and let this be the year of finishing. Of finishing the book I’ve been writing and rewriting for years. Of finishing this blog post that I started writing LAST YEAR but then got stuck in the draft folder. Of finishing everything that I can that weighs over me.
Maybe not everything though, because to truly finish you have to die and I’m pretty sure I’m not ready for that so I guess sometimes it’s all about setting limits to your accomplishments so you don’t end up dead.
I’m writing it here so that maybe I’ll follow though and finish. With luck I’ll soon tell you that I’m done with my next book. And when I get stuck and doubt myself I’ll just remind myself that Moby Dick was all about sperm and making whale schlongs into robes and that thing was a damn classic so maybe I need to be just a little less hard on myself.
PS. There were no pictures in my copy of Moby Dick so I went online to look for whale penises and now I have to go burn my computer. But before I do I thought I’d share this from reddit:
“The whale penis is prehensile, which means it can probe in search of it’s target.”
It’s waving, y’all. I’m never going back in the water again.
So I got a couple of copies of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened in traditional Chinese recently and I love the cover but I just took a closer look at the back and it’s my favorite thing ever:
The front.
And the back:
That’s me with my arm jammed in a spermy cow vagina as my sister dressed as a giant hawk tries to pull me out and it’s all over China.
That’s it, y’all. I’ve finally made it.
So yesterday for my birthday Victor took me to an escape room because I’ve always wanted to go and I’m not sure what I was thinking because paying to get locked in a tiny room with an uber-competitive Victor who is trying to beat the record for breaking out of the room quickest is pretty much the quickest way to bring on a divorce but it was surprisingly fun except for the time we asked our hidden host for a clue because we were stuck and the clue was that we needed to use the key on the string from the box under the map but there wasn’t a key on a string stuck to the box under the map and Victor was like, “THIS ROOM IS BORKED. SOMEONE HOSED US” and finally they stopped the timer and a lady walked in and pulled the key out of the box that we’d insisted was empty and the look on her face was identical to the one I get when Victor tells me his socks are missing I tell him to look in the dryer and he says he did and they aren’t in there and I tell him to check again and he does and accuses me of stealing them and then I go look and, don’t worry y’all, because they were in the dryer.
Long story short, we did not break the record and next time we’re bringing our own hacksaws and a bolt cutter and maybe a battering ram and a therapist.
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And on an entirely different subject, it’s time for the Sunday wrap-up!
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
This week’s wrap-up is brought to by Sandrandan Jewelry, weird name, cool stuff. Everything in the shop is designed and made by Sandra Sutherlin, and often incorporates unusual elements such as spyglasses, compasses, sundials, and vintage pieces. Use the coupon code BLOGGESS to receive 10% off of your entire order (coupon may be used as often as you like). It’s awesome and I’ve bought a ton of pieces that I cherish from her over the years so you should check her out here. Sandrandan Jewelry: eccentrically gorgeous jewelry; we may become your new obsession!
Today is my birthday.
Birthdays that fall in the murky days right after Xmas and right before New Years are usually forgotten in the rush and that’s actually always worked out for me because parties terrify me. But if you’d like to help me celebrate my birthday there is something you can get me.
For my birthday, I’d like you to pretend it’s your birthday too. And for our birthday you should go out and do something great for yourself.
Take a long walk. Buy a new book for you or someone you love. Reach out to a friend to tell them you’re thinking about them. Take a hot bath. Drive somewhere you always wanted to go. Get that thing you’ve been thinking about for a year but always put off. Adopt a new pet. Rent that movie you loved watching with your parents and watch it with your kids. Write a poem. Plan a vacation. Find a magical death sword and use it to conquer the dark lord. Anoint your allies with the blood of oppressors. Invent a new color. Eat a bunch of dirt. Play a game. Make a pie. Whatever sounds good to you, basically.
And then come back here and tell me what wonderful thing you did that you wouldn’t have done otherwise.
Or don’t. After all, it’s your birthday too.
As for me, I’m starting the day watching instagram videos of Phineas the Cat, who is totally me when I’m trying not to act like I’m drunk and it makes me look way drunker. I super love him:
Happy birthday, everyone.
Remember a week ago when I was freaking out about how I thought my thyroid was going to murder me and you calmed me down by assuring me that it’s easy to fix thyroid stuff? Well, I just heard from my doctor and the good news is that my thyroid is okay and the bad news is that my thyroid is okay because that means that something else is causing this lump in my throat.
My dr. says that it might be anything or nothing and that it’s entirely possible that it’s some polyp or ulcer and that maybe it’ll just go away. Or it’ll keep growing and turn out to be a silent twin and it’ll take over my brain and then it’ll have to worry about all of this.
Long story short, I’m going to give it a week or two and hope it just goes away and if it doesn’t they start doing swallow tests and throat scopes and other stuff which I’m almost possible will also come out inconclusive and call for more tests and then I’ll get bored and get distracted with another part of my body that is falling apart.
Xmas is weird this year because my mom is sick so we postponed going to visit until she feels well and that means a quiet Xmas home with just Victor and Hailey and I. Since we don’t cook we’re eating at the local Chinese buffet and then watching movies at home and it’s different but honestly it’s lovely and low-key even though I miss my family.
My dad asked for one present this year…
Hailey wasn’t super into it at first but after a few minutes we were laughing like mad and ended up with a half hour of video that I will honestly love for years to come. We sent it off to my parents and said they will treasure it forever or until they get a new phone. Then a few minutes later this arrived on my phone:
This is what Christmas is all about. Being together even when you’re far apart. Embracing the moments that come rather than the moments you expect.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday filled with strange wonder and presents you never knew you wanted.
So this year was the 9th Annual Jame Garfield Miracle and if you followed it you probably know that it was filled with more awesomeness than ever and also more angst than ever. It makes sense, I guess. It grows and grows and the successes and failures grow with it. Honestly, I got frustrated several times and I considered making this the last year, but seeing the response from the people who were able to help and to be helped makes me realize that it’s worth the frustration. Important and worthwhile things are hard…if they were easy everyone would be doing them.
There’s never any guarantee that everyone will be helped (and in fact that would be impossible because the needs are always so great) but the willingness and desire to help everyone is there and I hope you felt it. Even if only one person was helped it was worth it, and there were so many. I’m already watching comments and emails come in from people who are so incredibly grateful on behalf of their children. Project Night Night was floored by our support and sent lovely pictures that I can’t share for privacy reasons but which made me so happy that I’m part of this community.
It’s hard to measure it precisely but I estimate that since 2009 over $450,000 has been given to help Christmas/Hanukkah happen for underprivileged kids and that’s mind-boggling. Just stranger helping stranger with no expectation except to make life easier for each other. It began nine years ago as an earnest gesture of someone trying to help someone else, regardless of the outcome…and that’s what it still is today. That’s what the holidays are all about. This is our gift. It’s the gift we give to ourselves and no matter if we helped 100 people or 100,000 I’m so proud to be a part of this. I hope you are too.
If you helped others this year, thank you. You give others hope. You give me hope. Even if you weren’t able to gift children you should know that you helped. This year I gave out $7k in toys and coats and books to kids who needed help and that money came from you…from the money I make here and from book sales and calendar sales. If you are here then you helped. Thank you.
If you were helped I hope you feel the same joy that we felt in helping. So many people who were helped in the past come in future years to help others. It’s a way of giving back and I’m so grateful that you let us be part of your holiday.
If you abused the system then, well, I’m sure you have a very hard life. I can’t imagine it was easy to make a decision like that and perhaps you had your reasons. A few days ago I was contacted by someone who asked for far more than they should have. They’d felt desperate and made a bad decision. I can relate to that. I told them what I will tell you if you are in the same spot right now. You don’t have to return the toys. They are a gift and it’s up to you what to do with them but if you want to do something truly wonderful then take the extra gifts and bundle your kids up and donate them to your local women’s shelter. (The toys…not the kids.) It feels amazing and it’s such a great way to teach your children the importance of giving and of appreciating what we have.
If you weren’t helped I’m sorry. Please take solace in the fact that people care. That you are not alone. That more good happened than bad…and that’s not always the case in life.
For those of you struggling this year I just want to tell you that you’ll get through this. If you’re struggling emotionally please reach out to friends and family. They love you more than you know. If you’re struggling financially please know this: The best toy your kid will get this holiday is you.
I grew up really poor but even during the tightest years I was happy. And if your children have you then they are happy too. When I was a kid if we couldn’t afford decorations my mom would pop a giant drum of popcorn on the stove and we’d thread it into popcorn strings that we’d hang all over and eat it like candy necklaces. It probably cost $1 and it is one of my favorite memories. Go to the library and check out a ton of great books to read to your kids on Christmas. Play charades. Play tag. Bury a shoebox of your old costume jewelry in the backyard and make a treasure map that takes your kids all over the house looking for clues as to where to dig. Write a poem for your child about what they mean to you. Tell secrets. Laugh. Then laugh some more.
Hug your loved ones tight if they are near. Send your love to them if they are not. Snuggle with your pets or go visit a shelter if you don’t have any. And if you are alone, know that you aren’t. Not really. Because we care. Even if you haven’t met us yet. People are going to love you, I promise.
Thank you again for letting me be part of something so hard, yet so worthwhile. Much like life.
This post isn’t for wish lists. It’s just to say thank you…from me to you. If you’d like to use it to thank others or tell an inspiring story or share great hints for how to feel less alone during the holidays that would be amazing. I think we could all use some good cheer and funny jokes and if I could find a way to let you imbed videos of otters eating in the comments I totally would because those damn things are practically medicinal at this point.
So a few weeks ago I found a lump in my neck. I ignored it because that’s what I do but it’s gotten worse and now I can feel it when I swallow and when I breathe. I wake up coughing and choking. It doesn’t hurt. It’s just really uncomfortable. Like being lightly strangled by your imaginary friend. And the anxiety of feeling unable to breathe makes my throat constrict, which makes it worse and that’s about the time I convince myself that my entire body is made of cancer.
It’s probably not though.
I saw my doctor and hoped she’d just say it was all in my head but turns out it’s all in my neck and she took so much blood that the tubes literally stopped filling up, which the nurse said was just a strange problem with the tubes but which I’m pretty sure is a sign that I’m now a solid. Today I have an ultrasound to look at my neck growth and honestly I’m a little nervous and I’d like for someone to tell me that I’m going to be fine.
Chances are that it’s my thyroid becoming extremely enlarged, which makes sense because I also have Hashimoto’s Disease and that causes a lot of weird problems. It happened once 15 years ago (on a much smaller scale) and I had to go through a lot of biopsies and ultrasounds before they were able to tell it wasn’t cancer. The process was grueling but it all worked out so I’m crossing my fingers that this will all work out too, but even if it’s just an enlarged thyroid it’s a concern that it’s pressing on my windpipe so they may have to remove it, or part of it, I guess? And that seems scary again.
So I guess what I’m asking is three things:
Sorry this isn’t a funny post. I’m just super distracted and I can’t not think about it because breathing and swallowing are two of my favorite things and my neck is being a real dick about it.
I was just listening to a podcast about how sea sponges use the pores all over their body to “bring in food and release wastes” and I’m pretty sure that’s a scientific way of saying the holes in sponges are all just mouths and buttholes so does that mean that when I’m using a sponge in the shower I’m cleaning my body with mouths and buttholes? Someone get me a marine biologist. And a loofah. And maybe some bleach.
THINGS I LOVE TODAY: THESE SOCKS
