Category Archives: Random Crap

Recently I got an email asking if Rory (the taxidermied raccoon) was available for a Hollywood close-up, as a singing character on a musical taxidermy pilot.  It sounded like fried gold but Rory is extremely breakable and every time he goes somewhere all his fingers fall off (relatable) and his brother Rory II is almost as fragile so he had to say no for his own self-preservation.

“YAY FOR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES.”

But then I had a thought…Rory III.

Oh…helloooo.

Rory III was a gift I got on tour and he is made of magic.  And a carcass.  And also some dolls hands and some cardboard tubing that makes him fit perfectly on a  bottle and makes him the best wine koozie ever.

Me meeting Rory III for the first time. It was glorious.

So I sent Rory III to California and he was loved and beloved, and this same strange little creature that Hailey and Victor keep insisting I stop putting in their beds was finally accepted and celebrated for his endearing weirdness and strange gifts.

And I got a few behind the scenes photos, like this one:

This is like my favorite sleepover ever.

The point is, you may feel like an empty, unappreciated weirdo right now but don’t give up because one day you will find the place you fit…the place where you were meant to be…and you will finally feel warm and loved even when you’re not totally filled with wine.   Just like Rory III.

PS.  Here is a link to the project.  I’m looking forward to it.

We are back from Italy and I’m feeling a bit better.  Whoop!

It was quite lovely though in spite of the depression and you can go to instagram to see all the pictures.  I’d put them all here but I’m still sort of in that level of recovery mode where everything is exhausting and you just want to stop breathing for a bit to conserve energy.

But one thing I didn’t put on Instagram is that to celebrate Hailey’s birthday we went to the opera in Venice, which is the fanciest fucking thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.

And we sat in our little opera box and looked over the balcony as the singers did their thing and at one point I was like, “OMG BUGS BUNNY DID THIS SONG!” and then Victor and Hailey sort of stared at me so I went back to listening but I guess Italians don’t believe in air conditioning and it was really warm and I was tired and I sort of fell asleep sitting up and I started to fall over and I woke up with such a start that I literally yelped and launched myself out of my seat and Hailey grabbed me because she thought I was going to leap over the edge of the balcony.  Long story short, we left immediately but in my defense we’d already been there for an hour and a half and it was barely even intermission.  And Hailey said that she felt dumb that we’d wasted our money and time on something that didn’t really do it for any of us but she and Victor spent the rest of our vacation endlessly mocking me for mortifying myself in the fanciest way ever so technically I think it was a very worthwhile experience.

Sometimes the most messed up moments make for the best memories.

PS.  Also, we had a driver take us to see the body of St. Zita in Lucca and when he asked where we were going I was like, “St. Zita” and he was like, “Pardon?”  And I said, “St. Zita” again and he was like, “Are you telling me to shut up?  Because that’s how you say ‘shut up’ in Italian”.   And then I felt really bad but a few minutes later he asked Victor, “Do you like the bitch?” and I was like, “First off, he loves this bitch and secondly that seems a little unnecessary” but turns out he was just asking if we wanted to see the beach and this is why I really need to learn how to speak the language more before I visit places.

Happy birthday to the sweetest man I ever married.

Thank you for loving us even when you don’t understand us.  There’s no one else I’d rather perplex.

hello.

Right now I’m in Venice. And it’s beautiful and I’m with my family and we just celebrated Hailey’s 15th birthday.  I am incredibly lucky. Unfortunately I have been fighting off a touch of depression all week and it’s gaining on me.

It feels so wrong, to be sad or numb and exhausted when everything is going exactly right, but in a small way it’s comforting…the knowledge that my mental illness is illness rather than laziness or sadness. The acceptance that I can’t fight this off any more than I could fight off the flu.

Im lucky to have my family…that they try to understand.  That when I cancel on tours because I’m too tired even though I haven’t done anything but sleep they are kind about it.

And I’m lucky that there are bright spots when the darkness passes. I take photos when I’m happy so I that I can remember. I take photos when I’m sad so that I can experience what I’m missing right now, in the moments when I know I can’t appreciate everything I should.

Today we take a train to Florence to visit an old friend and to remember a friend we’ve lost. And I’ll try to shake myself out of my own head.  But if I can’t I’ll wait it out and remind myself that this will pass and that I am not my depression and that the moments when the sun comes out again are coming.  They’re coming for you too.

I’ll promise you if you promise me.

View this post on Instagram

Venice.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Sep 25, 2019 at 1:15am PDT

YOU GUYS.

Do you know what this is?  This is the finished final draft of my next book, which I have finally turned into my wonderful and incredibly patient editor.  WHOOP!

Not the actual title, obviously

Every time I write a book I think it’s the last one… that I’ll never be funny again, that I don’t have the focus or energy to finish.  That I’ve run out of life and of stories.  And I did for a bit, which is why I’m turning this in far behind the deadline that was set.  I work slow…slower than most writers, I think.  I work around depression and anxiety and assorted bullshit and I delete two pages for every three I write BUT in the end, I am left with stories.  They are stories I’m proud of, even though so many of them involve the most ridiculous moments of my life.

So today I breathe a quick sigh of relief and celebrate this small (but enormous for me) victory.  And tomorrow I leave for Italy, where we have not planned properly at all and will spend 6 days getting lost as we celebrate Hailey’s and Victor’s birthdays.  And then I’ll come back and get notes from my editor and begin the process again.

And that’s a very good thing.

Thank you for seeing me through.

Last week Victor went out of town and brought me back home an old taxidermied bobcat who had apparently had a hard life and was missing some parts and desperately needed some TLC.

BEST. SOUVENIR. EVER.

Not everyone shared my enthusiasm.

HAILEY GIVE YOUR SISTER A PIGGY-BACK RIDE.

After a quick repaint and some minor repairs I was able to scrounge up some old baby clothes and

…viola!

SO GODDAM HAPPY TO SEE YOU

Hailey:  What is even happening here?

me:  Magic, Hailey.  Magic is happening.  And I found the perfect name for her.  Because she’s adorable and old-fashioned but she’s also feisty as hell and somewhat unpredictable.

Hailey:  Katy Purry?

me:  Oh, that’s a good one.  You are my daughter.  But no.  This is Judy Snarland.

Hailey:  Are you sure I’m not adopted?

me:  Not a chance.  Now she’s just missing something to hold in her hands.

Hailey:  She looks okay like that.  Like she’s sneaking up on you to scare you.

me:  Well that’s fitting because I’ve gotten my dress snagged on her claws twice and accidentally found myself being chased by a dead bobcat.

Hailey:  Maybe she should be eating something?

me:  What, like a corn on the cob?  Hailey, you are ridiculous.

Hailey:  I’M RIDICULOUS?

me:  I’m thinking like a tiny accordion so she can play the polka.   OH!  OR MARIONETTES MADE OF TAXIDERMIED MICE AND I COULD MAKE AN ENTIRE PUPPET THEATER.

Hailey:  Mice dangling from strings.  Pretty sure Ferris Mewler would destroy that in a heartbeat.

me:  Very true.  Tiny accordion it is then.

PS.  I tried to make a tiny accordion but it looked terrible so instead I improvised.

Nailed it.

I have been trying really hard lately to step out of my comfort zone and do “adventurous” things.  My anxiety disorder is still ever-present but it’s been more manageable the last few months and my shrink says I need to take advantage of this while it lasts and do scary (but not too scary) things as part of my behavioral therapy.  And that’s how I got into the terrifying position of doing a TEDx talk in a few months.

My talk will be very short and because it has to do with having mental illness maybe people won’t judge me so harshly if I carry a table to hide under onto the stage.  Or maybe I’ll do it facing the back of the stage like Sia.  Or maybe I’ll do it from the safe and warm inside of a t-rex costume.  Hard to say.

Click here to get tickets.

And perhaps avoid the front row in case I start vomiting.  Or at least bring a waterproof poncho.