(I’m in NY but I wrote this last week before I left. Be back soon…)
Me calling my friend Laura after I had a fight with Victor about something stupid that was actually probably my fault to begin with.
Laura: Hello?
me: So, I’m sitting in the parking lot of the Dollar Store because I just had a big fight with Victor and I told him I needed to get out of the house, but now I feel all bitchy and I don’t want to see a movie or shop or eat and I just realized I don’t have any outside hobbies. I AM TERRIBLE AT FIGHTING WITH VICTOR.
Laura: Huh.
me: By the way, this is Jenny.
Laura: I figured that one out. You can come to my house and I’ll feed you ice cream.
me: I’m lactose intolerant.
Laura: Then I will give you a puppy.
me: That would be nice, actually. And then when Victor was like “Why do you have a puppy?” I could say “Because you were mean to me.”
Laura: And every time you have a fight you come home with a new puppy. It’s like couple’s therapy but with puppies.
me: OhmyGod, we are going to have SO. MANY. PUPPIES.
Laura: The puppies are a metaphor, Jenny. Don’t really buy a bunch of puppies when you’re mad. Everyone always regrets angry revenge puppies.
me: Oh, I’m getting puppies. There’s gonna be puppies everywhere. And then when Victor is all “WHERE ARE ALL THESE PUPPIES COMING FROM?” I’d just say “These puppies came from you. You brought these puppies into our house. With your wrongness.” And then he’d complain that I was the one that kept sneaking puppies in and I’d have to explain that his actions brought the puppies in. And then he’d realize just how crazy it is to fight about ridiculous shit for no reason at all. Also, the puppies get shafted because we aren’t responsible enough to have that many puppies. I mean, think about the puppies, Victor.
Laura: So, it’s his fault you have all these puppies.
me: Right? NOW I DON’T EVEN LIKE PUPPIES BECAUSE I RESENT BEING SMOTHERED IN THEM. YOU’VE RUINED PUPPIES FOR ME, VICTOR.
Laura: You know what? I don’t know the details but I can pretty much say without a doubt that you are right and he’s being irrational. THESE PUPPIES ARE NOT HELPING ANYONE, VICTOR.
me: *deep breath* I feel better.
Laura: Good. Now stop being crazy, go home to your husband, and tell him to stop it with all the puppies.
And that’s exactly what I did. And he just sort of looked at me oddly and made us lunch and we watch Pawn Stars together. And that’s why I love Victor and also why we don’t have a puppy.