Conversation in the car with my husband:
me: I can’t understand you when you’re mumbling like the Hamburglar.
Victor: The Hamburglar didn’t mumble. He said “Robble-Robble.”
me: Yeah. And that’s incoherent mumbling.
Victor: No. It’s him saying what he’s doing. He’s robbing you. Of hamburgers.
me: Oh my God.
Victor: You just now got that, didn’t you?
me: I thought he was just saying nonsense words. Why would he use “robble” as a verb? Why wouldn’t he say “burgle, burgle“? That way it makes sense and also the word “burger” is almost in it. That’s just basic marketing.
Victor: Maybe because he’s not a burglar. A burglar robs you when you’re not home. A robber is more like a mugger. More violent.
me: Huh. The Hamburglar was made of burgers, wasn’t he? Doesn’t that make him a cannibal?
Victor: No. You’ve confused the Hamburglar with Mayor McCheese, haven’t you? Classic error. The Hamburglar was the only human in the group.
me: And Ronald McDonald.
Victor: No. Clowns aren’t human.
me: Agree to disagree.
Victor: I just never understood why Mayor McCheese was the Mayor but then sometimes he was also the arresting officer. That seems like a conflict in judicial law.
me: Right?! And he carried around that big police stick to hit people with. McDonald’s was kind of fucked up, now that I think about it. And what the hell was Grimace? A stain?
Victor: He was a shake.
me: A purple shake?
Victor: And he was called “Grimace” because that’s what you do when you drink a shake too fast. You grimace.
me: It’s weird how much you’ve thought about this.
Victor: It’s weird that you claim to be a writer and yet you don’t recognize “robble” as a verb.
me: Hang on. I’m looking all this up on the internet. Oh, holy shitsnacks.
Victor: What?
me: Prepare yourself. “A large, purple character was first introduced in November 1971 as the “Evil Grimace”. In Grimace’s first two appearances, he was depicted with two pairs of arms with which to steal milkshakes.”
Victor: SEE. I KNEW MILKSHAKES WERE INVOLVED SOMEHOW.
me: Stop yelling. Then in 1974, Grimace lost two of his arms and his evilness and became a simpleton whose brother might have been “the king of all Grimaces.”
Victor: I totally want a t-shirt that says “KING OF ALL GRIMACES”.
me: God, who doesn’t? Apparently, Mayor McCheese was dropped from the line after he was sued by H.R. Pufnstuf for being too similar. Hoy crap, this is like TMZ for puppets.
Victor: You’re just making shit up now.
me: It’s on the internet so it’s real. OH! And Officer Big Mac was the guy with the constable uniform. He just looked like Mayor McCheese but they were totally different characters. So that’s a relief, huh?
Victor: I’ve been losing sleep over it.
me: Also, apparently Ronald McDonald had a dog named “Sundae” who was extremely sarcastic and negative, spoke in a monotone, and hated ticks, adventures, and the Hamburglar, whom he referred to as “Bun-Head.” And he was portrayed by that guy who played “Mini-Me” on Austin Powers.
Victor: I don’t believe any of this.
me: It’s totally true and all part of the McDonald’s canon. Ronald McDonald had an unmedicated, angry, depressive dog who I think was probably racist. If burgers are classified as a race, that is.
Victor: This is one of the strangest discussions we’ve ever had.
me: No. Not even close.