Coyote Not-So-Ugly

thebloggess

11 years ago

Conversation with Victor when he came home from a business trip:

Victor: Jenny. Seriously?

me: What?

Victor: “What?” There’s a dead fox on the wall. That’s what.

me: And she looks awesome. And technically it’s a coyote. Honestly, you should have seen her before the makeover.

Victor: Makeover?

me: She was significantly less foxy before the wig, makeup, false eyelashes and assorted accessories.

Victor: *sigh*

BEFORE. (I had to take her into several stores to find the perfect hair color and accessories. People were all "IS THAT A DOG'S HEAD IN YOUR PURSE?" and I was like "No. It's a coyote and she's been dead longer than I've been alive so stop judging me.")

AFTER. (I haven't settled on a name for her but I'm leaning toward "Penelope Vanderpelt.")

me: She turned out so awesome that she decided to take a bobcat lover.

Victor: And that explains the dead bobcat on the wall.

BEFORE. (As with almost all of my quiet pets, he came from a flea market. He practically screamed at me to buy him.)

AFTER. (Yes, I'm aware that the hat looks ridiculous. It's almost impossible to find a good top hat for a bobcat to wear. I'm still looking.)

me: I haven’t figured out his back-story, but I suspect he speaks with an English accent and says “biscuits” instead of “cookies”.

Victor: Huh.

me: But he’s a passionate lover once the hat come off. Which it does. Mainly because I don’t love it and I’m still looking for a better hat. This is his third hat. Whiskers O’Shaunnesy does not have a face for hats.

Victor: I’m going to bed.

me: Someone called earlier but I couldn’t pick up the phone because I was working on Mr. O’Shaunnesy and so I just hit “speaker” with my elbow and yelled “I CAN’T PICK UP THE PHONE BECAUSE I’M SUPERGLUING A MUSTACHE ON MY BOBCAT.”

Victor: Who was it?

me: I dunno. They hung up on me.

Victor: Shocker.

me: I’m sure it was a telemarketer. Anyone who called us on purpose wouldn’t be shaken by that kind of a greeting.

Victor: One day when I run for congress this is all going to be very hard to explain.

PS. On a surprisingly related note, a ton of you have asked if I’ve been watching Immortalized on AMC. I have, and I’m a little in love with Takeshi Yamada, who makes me look totally normal and makes “hairy trouts“ (which are –surprisingly– not sex toys). It’s even possible that I might get to be a guest judge next season, which would be awesome because in my mind all the AMC shows are shot in the same neighborhood and that means that I could probably just sneak over to the Walking Dead lot and beg them to let me be an unpaid background zombie. EVERYONE WINS.

PPS. Vaguely related: These are auctions I’m currently fascinated with on eBay. Most are older than I am and one has been through some sort of terrific fire. They all look as if they’ve just been shocked with a passive-aggressive surprise party given by everyone they’ve ever cheated on.

I have a problem. Someone stop me.