Emails with my sister (who is recovering from surgery and is not really a junkie):
Lisa: I’m taking lots of Percocet and it just makes me sad. But then I watch Arrested Development & that makes me happy. But then I start hallucinating ghosts and stuff & that makes me confused. Thought about going for a walk earlier, but I’m pretty sure that’s the first step to being homeless.
me: You are terrible at being a junkie and those drugs are wasted on you. Switch to crack, maybe?
Lisa: I was thinking Rogaine. If I’m going to be strung out I might as well have nice hair.
me: I’ve always wondered if the people on Rogaine ever get insanely overgrown thickets of pubic hair? Because how does the pill know exactly which hair you’re wanting more of?
Lisa: Huh. How does Rogaine know where to grow?! You wanted a mullet? TA-DA, back hair! French braid? How about knuckles so hairy you don’t need gloves anymore. Thanks, Rogaine.
me: What if suddenly your eyebrows are like dwarf beards, and you have to braid them just to see stuff?
Lisa: Oh, but you could weave beads and stuff into the braids.
me: Or daisies. You could have whimsical hippy eyebrows.
Lisa: Remember when hair feathers were a thing? I bet we could bring those back. But now they’re eyebrow feathers.
me: Oh, and ear hair. MY GOD, THE EAR HAIR. Although, I guess if you had long enough ear hair you could just super-glue it to your cheeks. And then? BINGO-BOINGO: Mutton-chops.
Lisa: Except when people were like, “Nice mutton chops, lady” you probably wouldn’t be able to hear them because of all of your ear hair, and so you’d miss a lot of compliments. And then people would think you were bitchy for not acknowledging them.
me: That’s why I’d wear a t-shirt that says “Sorry. I can’t hear you over all my awesomeness. And by ‘awesomeness’ I mean ‘super-excessive ear hair’.”
Lisa: This makes way too much sense.
me: It’s because you’re still high.
Lisa: Ah. That explains it.