It’s Christmas-time, which means it’s time to buy a lot of stuff no one really needs. Unless you’re buying angry bees, which is always a good idea. But maybe you’re stuck for ideas for awesome presents for people you love, or for horrible presents for people you resent and so I thought I’d share with you two of the best and worst presents ever.
Worst present ever: During a long stretch in high school when everything I wore was black and gothy and emo, my (estranged) grandfather gave me a pink children’s sweater from K-mart. It was a size kid’s 6X and might have fit over my left calf if I was into one-legged, pink, leg warmers with sleeves. Luckily, he left the top of the tag attached so I was able to take it back to K-mart, where (after waiting in line for an hour) the lady at Returns told me that the original price of the sweater was 89 cents. I took the voucher and traded it in for kitty litter, which I had to pay an extra dollar for myself to make up the difference. So that’s my worst present ever. Owing a dollar for kitty litter.
PS. This present is not why we’re estranged. We’re estranged because of an (alleged) incident so bizarre and outlandish that no one ever believes it and I have to call my mom to confirm it. It’s sort of a long story and probably one I can’t legally tell until everyone is dead. Look for it in book #3: “Everyone is Dead Now.” It’s gonna be hilarious.
Your turn: Best present ever. Worst present ever. GO.