Conversation with Victor:
Me: I think I’m craving heroin.
Victor: What?
Me: Well, I assume it’s heroin. It could be crack. I don’t really know.
Victor: Start over. Make sense this time.
Me: You know when you’re craving something, but nothing satisfies the craving and so you just keep eating? But nothing works and so you’re full but you’re still craving something but still you don’t even know what it is that will satisfy the craving?
Victor: Not really.
Me: Well, normal people do and I’m one of them, and I’ve eaten everything in the pantry and I’m still craving something else so I’m assuming it must be something I’ve never had before. Something like heroin.
Victor: Right. So popcorn didn’t satisfy you, so you just automatically assume you need heroin?
Me: Or maybe meth. Maybe I need to find a meth lab.
Victor: Just stop talking.
Me: I was just thinking that meth labs aren’t like regular labs because they’re faster than regular labs. Like, if I need to know if my chest x-rays are clean it takes days for a doctor to let me know, but if I go down to that meth lab by the lake I’d probably get served immediately. Or shot immediately. One of those.
Victor: How do you even know where a meth lab is?
Me: I don’t, but I just assume that there are some by the lake. Because scientists like water sports.
Victor: Scientists?
Me: I’m pretty sure if you work in a lab all day you’re considered a scientist.
Victor: Not if it’s a meth lab.
me: It’s a loose definition, but I’m pretty sure it still counts.
PS. Don’t do drugs. I’m not sure why I even need to say that but I assume someone will see this post and tell me that saying meth labs give fast service encourages drug use. It doesn’t, but if you think silly words are enough to make people become drug addicts then you probably also think that me saying “don’t do drugs” is enough to stop people from ever becoming addicts. Because apparently my words are magic. Who knew? So love your fellow neighbor, stop making the Kardashians famous, and send me a dollar.