Every few weeks I check my search results to see what people were looking for that brought them to this blog. Then I blog about them and then I get even more weird search terms the next week. It’s like I’m asking for this. Stop blaming the victim, you guys.
The strangest searches that brought people to TheBloggess.com this week:
“What will happened if centipedes go inside your ear?” (Screaming, probably?)
“Does anyone pronounce the L in caulk?” (I find it’s more fun if you don’t.)
“Why is everything making sense in my life?” (Frankly, that would be disconcerting to me too.)
“Not my fault your ugly.” (Fair enough. Not my fault you can’t use “you’re” properly.)
“Human baby eating” (I’m confused. Are you wanting to know what human babies should be eating, or the best way to eat human babies? Please be more specific.)
“How to make people think you are a wizard” (Good luck with that.)
“I burnt the fucking soufflé.” (You’re not alone.)
“What’s that thing near my veginer?” (No idea, but that’s probably my favorite new pronunciation of “vagina”. Vej-Eye-Ner. That is awesome.)
“Can I move my buried dog?” (Not while it’s still buried.)
“My life goal is to end up on Jenny’s weirdest search term blog list.” (Success! Now go reevaluate your life goals. You can do better.)
“If my boo is not answering his phone can I pop up at his house and ask do he need to borrow your phone charger?” (I like your style, lady. Be my new best friend.)
“My spirit animal is fisting Steven Seagal.” (Wait. Is your spirit animal currently fisting Steven Seagal. Or is your spirit animal Steven Seagal, who is currently fisting? Either way, it’s unsettling.)
Penis spatula (Well, you wouldn’t want it to burn, I suppose.)
Mouse riding on octopus (The weird thing here is that seven different people looked for this. I’ve disappointed seven people in one week. At least.)
Where can I buy lemonade flavored crystal meth? (You meant to type “Crystal Light” didn’t you?)
“Feels like I have been stabbed.” (Check for knives. You may have been stabbed.)
“How much is a 20 dollar bill worth?” (Huh. Is this a trick question?)
“When can baby see squirrels at night?” (I don’t even know what’s going on here.)
“Midgets that are tired of being hit on.” (First of all, we don’t use the word “midget” anymore. Secondly, it’s “who” rather than “that”. Third, WHAT IN THE FUCK?)
“You mean I’m not a reptile.” (You sound disappointed. But if you typed this you are probably not a reptile. Or you’re a very talented reptile. Either way? Good news.)
“Large bulge above the naval extending to rib cage looks like an alien is about to burst out.” (Why are you googling this? GO SEE A DOCTOR.)
“Always bring the banana to your mouth.” (I’m not saying I disagree, but why are we even specifying?)
“Rotten banana in vargina” (Ah. And now I see why we’re specifying. Also, it’s “verginer”. Not “vargina”. Please update your spellcheck. And please put down the banana.)
“How to know if something is appropriate for social media?” (And you found yourself here. How terribly ironic.)
“Third eye grows out of your forehead and wants to eat your brain.” (I think we’ve all been there, friend.)
“Aliens gave my cat a beard.” (But…how can you tell?)
“Is it safe to fix a loose needle on meth syringe with superglue?” (None of that is safe. Everything you said is unsafe. I’m not sure why I’m having to clarify that.)
“Why should you never fart on somebody’s balls?” (I don’t have an answer for that. Or a response. Or words. speechless.)
“What is the worst thing that could happen if you put glue on your lips?” (A third eye could grow out of your forehead and eat your brain? An alien could burst out of your stomach? Someone could fart on your balls? Apparently, just about anything. None of us are safe, y’all.)