me: The control button does nothing.
Victor: Hmm?
me: My life is spiraling out of control and this button on my keyboard is sitting here taunting me.
Victor: You’re supposed to use it in conjunction with other buttons.
me: I know, but it’s like a secret potion that no one ever remembers the ingredients to. Except for “Control/Alt/Delete” which just says “FUCK THIS. I WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING.” That’s not “control”. That’s “devastation“. Might as well just take a hammer to the monitor.
Victor: You should take a computer course.
me: And why is there a “Command” button? Everything I press is a command to my keyboard. If I press “p” that means I command you to write “p”. Why do I need “command”? Is it like “Simon Says”? At the end of an essay am I going to hit “save” and the computer is going to be all, “YOU DIDN’T SAY COMMAND” and then delete it? I’m pretty sure no one ever uses it.
Victor: Normal people use it all the time.
me: And why is it there twice? There’s one giant command button on one side of the space bar and then another on the other side. If you hit them both at the same time does one command key cancel the other out, or is it like “This is super important so I double-dog command you to work”? Meanwhile, there’s no button labeled “This is that little mark that goes over french words”. If I want to write “touché” I have to go find it on the internet and copy it onto my page and then it’s enormous and I have to remember how to resize and NO ONE HAS TIME FOR THIS. WHY IS IT SO COMPLICATED?
Victor: You’ve broken your computer again, haven’t you?
me: No. But someone did. Ferris Mewler flopped over on my keyboard and I have no idea what he pressed but now my desktop is gone and my keyboard won’t respond. I’ve lost command. And control. And the use of my computer. And also I don’t know how to make those backward Z’s if I want to type in Russian. Everything is going wrong for me today.
PS. As soon as Victor fixed my computer I wrote this out and then I went to look up “WHY DO I NEED SO MANY COMMAND BUTTONS?” but instead my computer suggested “Why do I need so many root canals?” and “Why do I need so many transfusions?” and now I just feel bad for even asking about buttons when clearly people have more serious problems than me.
Touché, computer. You win this round.
