WARNING: This post contains pictures that might make you make involuntary noises. It also contains kittens and Jesus, though, so it sort of evens out in the end?
I’m still slunking around the house like Quasimodo but I’m starting to feel less awful and I can even stand almost upright without screaming if you give me a minute to get into position. I complained to Victor that it was weird that my belly button (where the hernia actually was) didn’t hurt at all but that the pain was on my sides, like I’d been pinched by one of those claw machines and he was like, “Well, yeah. Your belly button wouldn’t hurt because they did all the surgery from the sides and never cut into your belly button” and I started to disagree and he was like, “Seriously. You hurt because of the mesh they sewed around the sides. Remember the pictures?” And then I just stared at him because WHAT? “Remember the pictures”?!
Apparently there are photos of my insides that the robot took while it was fixing shit and Victor swears I saw them and that I insisted that he take pictures of them with his phone. So basically the most naked pictures of me on earth have been on Victor’s phone this whole time. Victor says that pictures of me under my skin don’t count as “naked” but I assure you that they are the most naked I’ve ever gotten. I made him send them to me so I could see them and then I was like “WTF IS THAT?” and Victor just shrugged but I’m a little disconcerted because I’m pretty sure the surgeon grafted an upside-down cross into my stomach. I know that pain pills and anesthesia make me an unreliable witness and that’s why I’m including a picture. Also, I am immune to being grossed out and can watch the surgery channel with no qualms but I realize this isn’t normal so if you’re even slightly easily barfy then just squint your eyes and scroll until you see the Jesus kitten, which I added to calm you down after seeing horrific nightmare pictures of my insides.
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Ready?
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Naked pictures of the bloggess:
AAAAAH. KEEP SCROLLING.
First of all, if you’re here because you googled “naked pictures of the bloggess” then you brought this on yourself, asshole. Secondly, WHY IS THERE AN INVERTED CROSS SEWN INTO MY STOMACH? Is that normal? I need medical opinions here, people.
I pointed it out to Victor and asked “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?” and he said “Well, that seems to be the mark of the beast.” Then I glared at him and he was like, “What’s really weird is that that cross was already there when they cut you open” and I inadvertently laughed which hurts a TON, but maybe it hurts so much because I’m so holy and my body is rejecting Satan. It’s like when you put a right-side-up cross on Dracula and he gets all flinchy, except the opposite.
PS. I’m sorry about exposing you to this picture and I assure you that my normal stomach looks AMAZING compared to these pictures. Except for the six scars that are in the process of healing. Those look super stabby.
PPS. I’m not sure where that kitten picture came from but my friend mailed it to me when I was dealing with a bout of depression and I was like “Did you just send me a Jesus kitty?” and she was all, “Are you high right now?” because she didn’t see the insane resemblance to all the Jesus pictures I grew up with and so I sent her this:
She agreed that the artist might be the same but pointed out that Jesus Kitten couldn’t be on Jesus’ Bible because it was written after he died but I was like, “Well, maybe it’s the Purrst Testament” and then she said I needed to stop before I went to hell but I’m pretty sure this upside-down cross is going to be harder to explain than a bunch of kitten puns.
PPPS. I’m still on a lot of drugs. Sorry if this doesn’t make any sense. I blame the fact that there’s a satanic mark sewn into my stomach. You’d probably be fucked up too.
PPPPS. Seriously, medical people, does that thing look right? Is there supposed to be a cross there?