Did you read my post about Victor always being wrong even though he’s mostly right, and the internet’s enthusiasm in enabling me in what’s probably a very unhealthy but also fantastic way? If so, then you’ll realize why this is so awesome.
According to wikipedia, this is all accurate and the changes were listed under the category of “Truthfulness“. (Click on the picture to super-size.)
A few highlights:
- My name is now: Jennifer Juanita Spatula Jezebel Who-Let-The-Dogs-Out Lawson
- Under the category of “children” it lists two: “1 daughter, 1 husband”.
- My religion is “Bloggessianism” and I was born in “Time” and “Space”
- New facts: 1) “In arguments and discussions with her husband, Victor, she is right and he is wrong.” 2) “She also owns a chicken.”
Several people have said they misread my spouse as “Victim” rather than “Victor” and frankly that seems fair because Victor is a tremendous good sport considering the ridiculousness I involuntarily drag him into. In fact, he told me he agreed completely with all of the “Victor is wrong” websites, but I’m pretty sure he just did that because if Victor is right about always being wrong then that must be wrong which means that Victor is right and wrong at the same time and I’m pretty sure that creates some sort of paradox and now we’ll be sucked into a wormhole.
And that just seems wrong.
Full circle, you guys.
PS. I sort of like that “Bloggessianism” is listed as a religion because now when people try to give me pamphlets about their religion I can just give them back my own pamphlets. My only problem is that I don’t really know anything about Bloggessianism so it’s going to be a very small pamphlet unless we come up with shit to go in there. I’m just spitballing here so feel free to leave suggestions in the comments.
Some basic tenets of the Church of Bloggessianism:
- Don’t be an asshole.
- Extra gravy for everyone.
- Two holy days of observance each month requiring Bloggessians to take the day off and watch bad tv or read in bed. We also get all the regular holidays off for every other religion because we’re incredibly open-minded and like to support other beliefs as well. This includes Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day, National Donut Day, Deviled Egg Appreciation Day, etc. (FYI…today is National Chocolate Day so if you’re at work you need to leave right now and go make some s’mores for religious reasons.)
- If you see a sloth you are given special dispensation to hug it. Present your official card to any zoo officials.
- Someone needs to make an official I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To card.
- Mosquitos are now illegal.
- Wearing slippers and pajamas in public is a sign of your faith and you’re allowed to kick judgey people in the knee if they question you. Togas are also acceptable if you are feeling particularly religious or if you’ve run out of clean clothes altogether.
- (INSERT YOUR COMMANDMENT HERE.)