Tonight I miss people. I miss friends who I’ve lost. I miss friends who still exist, but are too terrified of life to say hello. I understand it. I miss me too when I go missing. But I’m still here – deep down- under the shell that protects me when life gets too rough. I’m still here when my head tries to tell me I’m nothing. I’m still here under it all. And you’re here too.
You’re here even if you think no one would know if you were gone. You’re here in the hearts of people you would never suspect you had impacted. You’re here in memory and in reality and in the echo of every person you ever touched and taught. You are magnified in ways you never knew.
Many years ago Victor took me to a tropical island. It was a dark time for me and a reminder that you don’t get to pick the times when parts of you go missing. It rained more than it didn’t. My anxiety and depression magnified. I got sick and I ended up in the hospital in another country. When I think back to those days I have dark memories with a few bright spots. I remember standing in the pouring rain, looking out into the horizon. I took a picture because I knew I wasn’t me enough to appreciate it at the time.
I found that picture again tonight.
It’s beautiful. And dark. And if you look through the rain you’ll see that it’s amazing. You just have to have the right eyes.
You have to learn to see what’s hidden beneath.
You have to remember that we are so much more than our broken minds sometimes recognize.
I see you. I remember you. You echo in me. I miss you. But you are not missing. You are here.