So yesterday I spent a great deal of the day in a vaguely weepy fetal position trying to distract myself by binge-watching bad horror flicks on Netflix. (Sidenote: I recommend HouseBound because it’s awesome. And Zombeavers because it’s awful.) This isn’t an unusual position for me to be in every so often, but yesterday I had an actual reason (other than just my mind being broken) because yesterday Hailey left for sleep-away camp for 2 weeks and it sent me into a panic which only increased as the news told me about how suddenly babies were drifting off to sea and children were exploding. Then Victor said that the news didn’t say that at all and I was letting my anxiety disorder take over. Then I told Victor that we should maybe call the camp to make sure they haven’t accidentally replaced the horses with bears and he told me to go lay down and then I might have screamed, “WHAT IF SHE GETS LICE AND LOSES ALL HER SHOES? WHAT IF SHE’S BAREFOOT RIGHT NOW AND THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA? TETANUS FLAVORED LAVA” and then I took some medication and had a lot of nightmares about that fact that I haven’t taught Hailey enough about how to prepare for knife fights and to not eat razor blades. Then I consoled myself by remembering that I had at least told her not to go off with strangers but then I reminded myself that basically all the people at the camp we’d just abandoned her at were strangers and so I was sending mixed messages at best. In fact, she’d probably already forgotten the millions of safety warnings I’d tried to instill in her. And Victor agreed but he said that was probably a good thing.
And he’s probably right.
If you’ve been here long enough you already know I have severe anxiety disorder and the feeling of dread (which I hid from Hailey until the second she was out of sight) was the same one I had when I was a child and never made it through a sleepover because I’d panic that I’d never see my mom again and she’d have to drive over at midnight to get a teary me.
I used to worry that I’d pass on this dread and fear to Hailey but she’s honestly almost too unafraid. To the point that if there are accidentally bears in the horse pens Hailey will probably ride them. But it’s a lovely relief to know that she’s strong enough to be her own person and to do all of the amazing things that I’d never (want to) do. So today I’m going to do what my therapist suggests. She told me I need to “channel my inner warrior” and remember that things are going to be fine.
Except that I don’t really have an inner warrior. She says I can just pick one I like and try to embody the strong traits of them. Joan of Arc or Sun Tzu or She-Hulk. Except that I don’t entirely relate to any of them so instead I’m choosing someone a little closer to home.
I’m channeling my inner-Hailey.
Someone send me a bear. And tell me everything will be fine. And remind me that camp is a good thing and an excellent opportunity to grow up and mature. (For me, I mean. I suspect Hailey has already passed me in that area.)