Have you ever written something incredibly stupid but it makes you laugh when you read it? Because this is what this is. If you don’t like stupid then go away for now. Also, if you’re really into comic books this might make you twitchy.
The First Rule of Orphan Club
I was wondering if Iron Man and Batman ever competed over who has the coolest stuff and I was thinking they should just work together but then I thought that maybe Stark Industries invented all of Batman’s stuff and that’s how Iron Man has so much money? I bet Batman would sue Iron Man if he knew that.
And Batman would be’d be like, “You developed your suit while you were working for me so legally it belongs to me.” But then Iron Man would be like, “I think you’re confusing me with my father who started Stark Industries. Take it up with him, asswipe. Just how old are you anyway?” And then Batman would be like, “Fine. I will take it up with him. Where is he?” And Iron Man would say, “Good luck asshole. He’s dead. Still feel like a tough guy now? My parents are dead.”
And Batman would be like, “Oh, shit. Dudebro. Hey, I’m sorry. I get it. My parents were murdered in front of me when I was eight,” and then Iron Man would be like, “Jesus, really? You win. Mine just died of old age or diabetes or something.”
(Note to self: Look up Iron Man canon before publishing this because I’m not sure about any of this.)
And they’d hug it out and decide to go to the club and make it rain but on the way there Spider Man would show up and he’d be like, “YOU GUYS. I’M AN ORPHAN TOO. ORPHAN CLUB FOR LIFE. NO GIRLS ALLOWED. Let’s pour one out for the parents, yo” and Batman would roll his eyes and be like “You can’t sit with us, Peter. You look ridiculous in that leotard and the club where we’re going is totally ‘Billionaires Only / No Leotards.’”
And Spider Man would complain that the club is totally elitist and Iron Man would be like, “Yeah, some of us have to work for a living, Spiders. We weren’t all just bitten by diseased deer-tick or whatever and then magically get powers. Some of us have to make our own magic” and Spiders would be like, “But…Orphan Club, y’all…” and Iron Man would say, “Nuh-uh. You don’t know our struggle ,Spiders“.
(Note to self: Look up what Spider Man is called by his friends because “Spiders” seems maybe not right.)
And then Spider-Man would say “I MADE THIS LEOTARD MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE MAD DESIGN SKILLS and also I DO have a day job too thank you very much” and they’re like, “Your day job is pretending to take pictures of Spider-Man. You’re Spider-Man. That’s fraud, Spiders. Why don’t you just go hang out with Superman at the Not-Very-Successful-Newspaper-Journalists Club? HAHAHAHA.”
And Spiders was like, “That club doesn’t even exist” and Batman and Iron Man would say, “THEN GO MAKE IT EXIST. Jesus, did you learn nothing from us?”
So Spiders meets Superman on a rooftop and Superman was like “They said what? They can’t say that about me. I’m fucking royalty. And an alien. Fuck that noise. Peter? We’re going to have kill Batman and Iron Man. I’ve got a rep to protect.”
And Peter was like, “What? Are you nuts? I just wanted to start Orphan Club. ORPHAN CLUB, DUDE. We can’t kill them. They’re orphans too.” But Superman wasn’t having it and he yelled, “WE’RE ALL ORPHANS, SPIDERS. IT DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING. THE SLATE IS AT ZERO WHEN IT COMES TO ORPHAN SYMPATHY AMONGST SUPER HEROES.”
And then Count Chocula showed up and was like “Hey guys. I’m an orphan too. Can I join your club?” And Superman was like, “First of all, I thought this was a private meeting and secondly, you’re like a million years old so of course you’re an orphan. If you’re an orphan it’s just because you didn’t bite your parents, so technically you kinda asked for it,” and Pete whispered, “Jeez. Supes. Slow your roll with the victim blaming, okay? We’re all orphans here.”
And then Underdog landed on the roof and was like, “Hey, is this Orphan Club? I don’t do intros so can I sniff your butts?” And Superman was all, “Jesus, Spiders, just how many orphans did you call? Did you send out a facebook evite out to the universe? Are you live-tweeting this shit? Some of us care about our secret identities and don’t want our butts sniffed.”
And then Underdog was like, “Technically I’m not even sure if my parents are still alive. I was stolen from them when I was only a few months old” and Superman was like, “DUDE. YOU’RE A DOG. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS TO DOGS. THAT’S NOT TRAGIC. THAT’S JUST HOW PEOPLE KEEP FROM BECOME ANIMAL HOARDERS” and then Spiders thought to himself, Jesus. Superman is kind of a dick and Count Chocula was like, “I just came here to talk though my feelings. I didn’t ask for this shit, Spiders.” And Peter was like “Yeah, I’m really sorry. I think we all just got a little emotional, which is probably natural since we’re orphans who didn’t have the proper nurturing for-”
“Hey guys! Am I late for orphan club?” It was Tony the Tiger. “Can we not have meetings on the roof from now on? Not all of us can fly. I almost had damn a heart attack scaling this wall.”
“Goddam it, Spiders” Superman yelled, “Is there anyone you didn’t invite here?” Then he paused and took a deep breath and said, “Okay, sorry I lost my cool. We’re not here to talk about our past. We’re here to kill Batman and Ironman. This is our new focus. Me, Spiders, flying dog, vampire and talking tiger. It’s a weird crew but I think I think I can work with this. Is anyone else coming, Spiders?”
“Well, Alvin and the Chipmunks checked ‘maybe’ but I doubt they’re coming because I’m pretty sure they can’t come to terms with the fact that Dave is a human and not their dad and is just exploiting them for money. I think it might be a Stockholme Syn-”
“FUCK THOSE CHIPMUNKS,” Superman interrupted. “This isn’t about them. This is about killing Batman and Iron man.”
Count Chocula is like, “Whoa. I did not sign up for this. I protect cereal, y’all. I’m a pacifist” and Tony the Tiger was like, “Agreed. I’ve seen enough war to last a lifetime” and Superman was like, “What, like from when you were in ‘Nam? You’re a Tiger, man. Tigers don’t go to war.”
And Tony was like, “There were dark days…when my Uncle Scar killed my father and tried to take the throne-“ and Spiders was all, “That’s totally the plot to The Lion King!” and Tony was like, “Yeah but I wouldn’t sell the rights to my story so Disney changed enough of the details so I couldn’t sue them. Switched out tigers for lions. Erased my husband completely. Gave it a happy ending. It’s sorta shitty. I was hoping Orphan Club would help me work through all of these feelings of-“
“THERE IS NO ORPHAN CLUB,” Superman yelled. “STOP WITH THE ORPHAN CLUB.”
And Underdog was like “Because it’s top secret? Like, the first rule of orphan club is we don’t talk about orphan club?” And Superman was like “No. The first rule of Orphan Club is that Orphan Club doesn’t exist because Orphan Club is fucking stupid” and Tony the Tiger was like “Jesus, this guy is a dick” and Superman was all, “I HEARD THAT. I HAVE SUPER-HEARING, REMEMBER?” And Spiders was like, “Don’t take your personal shit out on Orphan Club, Superman.” And then Superman yelled, “You know what? Fuck all y’all. I’m starting my own group and its the Kill Ironman and Batman and Then Come Back And Beat The Shit Out Of You Motherfuckers When I’m Done Club” and Tony the Tiger was all “That name does not sing” but it was too late because Superman flew off.
Then Spiders was like, “Shit, y’all. I’m super sorry. He’s got some emotional stuff he needs to work through” and Tony was like, “I get that but there’s no way I’m surviving getting attacked by Superman. I barely survived a fight with my elderly uncle who had no superpowers at all. I’m literally just a talking tiger.” And then Count Chocula shrugged and was said, “Ah fuck it. I’ll make you guys all vampires. Just be careful around wooden stakes and you’ll be fine.” And he totally did, even though he was slightly dog blood intolerant and he had diarrhea for a few days. “Meh …what’s a little diarrhea between friends?” he said as he made Underdog immortal. And that’s when they suddenly realized that they weren’t just orphans after all. They were a family. And that’s the true meaning of Orphan Club.
And also that’s how Spider-Man, Count Chocula, Underdog and Tony the Tiger became a gang of vampiric crime-fighters who didn’t like Superman but also didn’t really like Iron Man or Batman either so they decided to just let them deal with their own shit and instead focus on stuff like wiping out cholera and homophobia and racial intolerance and people who say they’re allergic to gluten when they’re not really allergic to gluten.
NEW FRANCHISE STARTS HERE. (Call me, Stan Lee.)
Advanced praise for Vampire Orphan Club:
Tony the Tiger ~ “It’s Greeeat!”