Yesterday I found something on the sidewalk outside a resale shop that I thought might be perfect in the living room but Victor was all, “NOPE. KEEP WALKING, JENNY.” And then I knew it would be perfect because I hadn’t even said anything yet and it was already obvious to both of us that we were picturing it in our home.
BECAUSE IT’S GLORIOUS.
Victor said something about it being “ridiculous” and “a giant waste of money” but I explained that well-made furniture is always a great investment and then Victor was like, “Oh. Well shit. I owe you an apology. I assumed you were talking about the giant gorilla. You like the chair?”
And then it made me sad because I was talking about the chair. And the gorilla. Because the gorilla is a chair, Victor.
And also it’s a chair that makes me look tiny. I was like, “Hey, does this chair make me look fat? No. No, it doesn’t. It’s the most flattering gorilla I’ve ever sat on.” Then Victor said that it wouldn’t even fit in the house and I agreed because I suddenly realized that we should put it in the pool, because first of all, it would keep neighborhood kids out of the pool if there was an angry gorilla glaring at them while they scaled the fence, and also it’ll be like one of those fancy, submerged chairs in beach resort pool bars. Plus, we have a very small pool so that gorilla would easily displace like half the water in the pool and so then we’d save on water bills and I’d have someplace to sit.
We’re still discussing it.*
*”We’re still discussing it” = Victor is being even less whimsical than ever and I need a friend with access to a flat-bed truck and also maybe a crane.
PS. Victor says that the gorilla is not a chair but if not then why is her hand like that? I guess she could be a stepladder, but who is going to push an enormous gorilla around the house just to reach the cabinets above the fridge? No one. Unless it has wheels.
PPS. OH MY GOD, what if I add wheels to it and ride it around the neighborhood like a golf-cart? But it doesn’t have any way to steer so I’d probably only be able to use it once and then have to abandon it in whatever house it crashed into so I don’t get sued and that seems like a waste of gorilla.
PPPS. Just realized that it would also make a great cat house. Instead of one of those carpeted, boring beige scratching post trees they could climb all over this guy and cat fur wouldn’t stick to him. Plus, it would be like a live, artistic reenactment of Koko and her kitten every day. An artistic, sometimes-aquatic, traveling cat habitat and pool chair that can also help me reach the highest cabinets in the house. This is the most versatile gorilla I’ve ever not owned.