Remember last week when I said I wasn’t sure if I’ve been dealing with a long-lasting depression or something else? And I was waiting to go to the doctor because every time I go it ends with “You’re probably already dead. Or you just need a nap. Hard to tell. Let’s do more tests. Give us all your blood.” But I decided to go ahead and get some blood-work at my rheumatologist’s office and then they called me to say that my results were weird and that I had “maybe lupus”. It was a shitty phone call and I’ve been trying not to think about it because first off all, there’s no cure for lupus so I’m not even sure why it’s helpful to know that I might have it and secondly, “maybe lupus” is pretty close to “maybe not lupus” and I’ve had “maybe not lupus” most of my life and things have worked out so far. The one good thing that came out of this is that my test results definitely showed that something was wrong with me and there is a terribly wonderful thing to have an affirmation that it’s not all in your head. Except that it is all in my head because that’s where I feel the worst. Catch-22. Or maybe not. Part of this is that my head isn’t working correctly even with my ADD drugs so maybe it’s Catch-21? I’m not good at math.
But what I do know is that “maybe lupus” is pretty similar to “maybe immortality” because neither are confirmed so instead of focusing on the first I’m going to focus on the latter because I’ve been alive all of my life and statistically that’s the way that immortality begins. Plus, I sleep all day and I can’t sleep at night and I’m anemic so I’m adding “maybe vampiric” to my list. Also, “maybe Spiderman” because apparently my antinuclear antibodies are all fucked up and anything with”nuclear” in it seems like something that would cause me to become super-human. Victor says “nuclear” and “radioactive spider” are not the same thing, but Spiderman isn’t a documentary, Victor. Real science is different than comic books. I suspect he’s just jealous that I’m about to get my mutant abilities soon, which is not as good as getting an admission to Hogwarts, but a million times better than “maybe lupus.” Unless my super-human ability is “Super-Lupus”. I’m not sure what “Super-Lupus” would look like but (aside from being great fun to say) it doesn’t sound good. I’m crossing my fingers for the vampire thing. Or maybe I’m like that guy on X-Men whose super power was that he could grow back his arms if they were cut off. He probably didn’t even know he had a super power until someone chopped one of his arms off and then he was like, “Holy shit. What a terrible super-power.” I’m not going to test it though because it’s bad enough to have “maybe lupus” without adding “also her arms didn’t grow back after she chopped them off to test if she was a mutant.”
So, long story short, there’s something wrong with me but we knew that already. My rheumatologist wants me to see all my other doctors to test my hormones and other bullshit so they can tell me I have “maybe testicular cancer” or “maybe your thyroid hates you” or “maybe you’re just broken” but I’m too tired to do that now. Probably because of this “maybe lupus”. So instead I’m going to rest for a bit, which is exactly what I should do if I’m coming down with “maybe vampirism”.
PS. Tell me I just need to get out more and stop eating gluten and I will kick you in the vagina. And if you don’t have one I will make one. From all the kicking.
PPS. Even if I do have lupus (which seems practically impossible to diagnose) it may be medically-induced lupus because the meds I’m on can make your blood a bit toxic and bring on lupus, which seems ironic because I’m taking anti-tumor injections to make my body stop attacking myself and that drug might be causing lupus, which causes your body to attack itself. So if I’m still sick in a month I’ll switch to a different medication which might cause my “maybe lupus” to go away but also might cause my “definitely rheumatoid arthritis” to return. My point? If you are healthy today go and enjoy the shit out of this day because it’s a godamn gift. If you can’t think of anything to do to celebrate being normal then find someone who isn’t and bring them lunch or ask if there’s anything you can do to help because you have no idea how often the people around you go hungry because they’re too tired to leave their desk. If you’re not healthy then I tip my hat to you and remind you that it’s going to be okay, and that you aren’t alone. Life isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it. Even for vampires.
PPPS. This post needs a happier ending. Inserting medicinal raccoon gif. “LET ME KISS YOU, KITTY.”
PPPPS. I’m going to be fine. I’m having more good days than bad lately and I have a great support system and I actually have good, exciting news that I’ll be sharing with you as soon as my head is working enough for me to write about it properly. I’m just venting. Thank you for listening to me. It does wonders to know I’m not alone.