As of today, Victor and I have been married for 140 years (in dog years) and all I got was poisoned. Victor says that’s I’m being overly-dramatic and that being poisoned was not my anniversary present and I believe him because if anything me being poisoned was his anniversary present because I’ve been unable to do anything but purge everything from my body since Saturday and that means I wasn’t able to finish my plan of surprising Victor with a herd of rented llamas in our bedroom. (Not a sex thing. It’s just that we don’t have carpet in the bedroom so I thought it would be easier to clean up all the llama droppings in there, plus a herd of llamas wandering in a house seems a bit watered down, but a herd of llamas in one room really makes you appreciate all the llama.) But then everything went to shit and now we have no llamas and too much poison. Also, Victor says that I can’t just go around saying “I WAS POISONED” like some sort of Victorian heroine when actually I just had food poisoning, but “I WAS POISONED” sounds way more interesting than “I had some bad tacos” and technically it’s still accurate. Victor says “Fine” and I think maybe that’s my anniversary present because he never usually gives up that quickly. Or maybe he just feels bad that my body tried to turn inside out for the past few days. Either way, I’ll take it.
PS. I just looked up 20th anniversary wedding gifts and the suggested gifts were “a mug” or “a trip to china”, which seems pretty disparate. Victor mentioned something about taking me to “swim with the otters” and I’m not sure if that’s a death threat or a really perfect vacation, but either way, I’m in. After 20 years you learn to trust someone, even if they half-ass your poisoning or fail to put a bunch of llamas in the bedroom. And really, isn’t that what love is all about?
PPS. Thank you, Victor, for being the only person in the world who could make me laugh like this even after a hellish weekend. I love you more than all of the otters in the world.*
*Just to clarify: I mean that I love you more than I love all of the otters in the world (which is a LOT, because you know me and otters) and not that I love you more than all of the otters in the world love you. Although I probably do. I don’t know. I can’t speak for the otters. I’m not sure why I’m clarifying this. Sorry. I haven’t had solid food since Saturday and I’m a little weak in the head.