I’m starting to come out of this haze of my-head-is-an-asshole and that’s good timing because I spent a few days in Iowa doing readings and signing for some bad-ass library programs and I actually had enough energy to do more than just breathe and cling to the couch. YAY FOR BEING ALMOST HUMAN! It feels so amazing when I come out of these funks that I always want to go back to the me of the previous haze and say “It’s gonna be okay.” Because it is. And I finally have some of my concentration back so I was able to write notes in my journal again like a real, live person. And if you ignore the run-on sentences and rambling it’s almost like I’m writing again. If you want to ignore me until I’m back to 100% I’m okay with that. I’m probably at 60% right now. You’ve been warned.
So. Things that happened to me in Iowa:
I was walking down the block from my hotel to get a sandwich but on my way I saw this group of people playing banjos and there were some girls dancing and one was wearing super short shorts, but they were the type of shorts that were billowy and like a skirt and I was like ‘Wow. That’s a vagina’ and then I tripped on a dead bird. And then I was like, “Shit. I JUST KILLED A BIRD BECAUSE OF VAGINAL DISTRACTION” but then I looked closer and the bird was already dead so I felt better, but not entirely because it’s almost as bad to kick a dead bird. Plus, people were staring at me because I’d tripped really awkwardly and I wanted to point out that it was the bird’s fault but that seems like victim blaming so instead I ducked into a resale shop filled with awesome stuff like this:
And there was a youngish couple in the shop who were cursing and making fun of everything in a really loud and obnoxious sort of way, like “LOOK HOW EDGY WE ARE, WORLD” and when they got up to the front of the store they gave a semi-sarcastic “Sorry that you’re probably offended at how real we are” to an elderly-ish woman at the front of the shop and she looked at them like she was just noticing them and said, “You cunts think you invented cursing?” And then I decided to live in Iowa forever.
Then a bit later I noticed there were gargoyles right above my hotel room but I couldn’t get a good picture of them without a window reflection so I opened the hotel window the 8 inches that it would open and I stuck my phone out the window the get the shot but I was afraid I’d lose my balance so I sat on the ledge of the window seat and put my feet out so that I had a better balance and that’s when I heard someone on the street go, ” HEY. STUPID.” And turns out he was talking to me because it is incredibly stupid to hang parts of your body out of windows to take pictures of gargoyles and he was like, “Are you okay? Do you need help?” and I tried to explain that I was trying to get a good picture of the gargoyle but I couldn’t remember the word for it so instead I said “I’m fine, thanks! I’m just trying to get a picture of this…lizard…monster?” and then I thought he’d call the cops so I quickly thanked him for his concern and closed the window, but it was actually really nice because 1. it’s lovely to have a stranger be concerned for your safety even if you are only a few flights up and 2. The window only opened 8 inches and so it was very flattering that he thought I was in any way thin enough to slip through it.
Also, everyone in Iowa was crazy nice and if there’s some sort of award for getting the weirdest gifts on book tour I am winning. Handily. And that is a wonderful thing.
Also, I couldn’t fit the knitted vagina torso in my carry-on so I used it as one of those airplane neck pillows and no one fucked with me even once. And the balls of the knit penis were filled with pellets or beans so it had real heft to it and when I got it I involuntarily yelled “OH MY GOD, THE BALLSACK IS MY FAVORITE” and scared everyone in the vicinity.
And then I came home.
The end.
PS. Thanks for sticking around even when I’m not quite myself. I can’t tell you what it means to me.