Social media is hard as shit right now because everyone is mad and I get it. There are small reprieves like the Biden memes and otter videos, but mostly it feels a bit scary to writing anything on twitter and Facebook and that’s why today I decided to use YES,THAT CAN BE MY NEXT TWEET to let that website decide what I would probably say today based on my history. Here are a few of the suggestions that YES THAT CAN BE MY NEXT TWEET gave me to share, and they were incredibly ridiculous and also embarrassingly accurate sometimes.
Not entirely out of character, if I’m being honest.
Let’s try again.
Okay.
Hmm.
TOTALLY. Wait, no. Is this sexual?
I like that there’s a question mark. Like I’m sort of sure it’s flammable but I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt.
Seems like I’m just under-reacting at this point.
So maybe the question marks were too optimistic. Sorry. I’m hiding under the idea of the future.
Seems like a good idea if everything is on fire.
A few other tweet suggestions it gave me:
I SMELL LIKE I WAS JUST GROWLED AT.
TODAY IS CANCELLED AND FULL OF HOT GOAT HAIR.
THIS IS THE WORST POTPOURRI.
WE NEED A SACRIFICE TO MAKE THINGS WORSE.
I HAVE RUINED MY PROBLEMS.
HEY, SORRY I HAVE CARPET BURNS. ALTHOUGH TECHNICALLY WE ALL PAINTED PART OF THOSE GENITALS.
GOATS HAVE DAVID SEDARIS TIED UP.
5 YEARS AGO: ME, A DICK, DEPRESSION.
APPARENTLY I’M MAKING WIGS WITH FERRETS.
2AM SUDDEN DUCK BUTT! THE CATS WERE BEFUDDLED.
TODAY IS NOTHING AND I’M SO EVERYTHING.
LADIES AND NEAR-VELOCIRAPTORS: NO ONE’S TAKING AWAY OUR TREBUCHET. FOUND MY CAT!
MY NAME’S LARRY. YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING. MAGIC IS NICER THAN MY PAJAMAS.
DID YOU ACCIDENTALLY OPEN A GOOD DUCK? I’M GOING TO! OOH, PRETTY!
I DRESS UP AND I’M…JESUS.
YES, I AM A TERRIBLE MESS. THIS IS A RABID BEAR.
WHAT IN MY CAT WAS INVISIBLE BEFORE?
DUCKS. MOTHERFUCKER.
SMELLS LIKE THEY’RE BALD DOWN THERE, RIGHT?
EVERYTHING WILL DRESS UP AND BE OKAY.
I SAW A DEMON. THIS GUY HAS ZERO CHILL.
VICTOR FUCKED SHIT UP IN THE DEMON. MAKE TINY MERKINS INSTEAD.
I’VE BEEN LANDING INSIDE THE BEST PEOPLE. YOU SEEN MY STABBING KNIFE?
OCTOBER MEANS DOGS IN MIXED POLITICAL MARRIAGES WHO DON’T HAVE ANY MOTIVATIONAL BOOKS.
THIS IS THE MOST HEAVILY EDITED P0RN I’VE EVERY GLUED MYSELF TO.
VICTOR: WHAT THE FACE?
THE 2AM SUDDEN DUCK NEEDS A SEX DUNGEON. I’M IN BED WITH SUPER GLUE. NO CONTEXT NEEDED.
HELLO FRIEND. BREATHE. I SMELL REAL NICE. I AM NOT BALLS.
Your turn.