Thanksgiving is always stressful and I’m on record as being a big proponent of just celebrating it once every four years (like Leap Year, but better) but no one else ever agrees, so apparently it’s still on. This year might be more stressful than most because this election is a bit of an open wound/dumpster fire and so many of us spent the last year arguing on Facebook with those relatives you only see at holidays and eventually writing “NONE OF WHAT YOU ARE POSTING ON FACEBOOK IS REMOTELY BASED ON FACT. PLEASE STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE OR I’M GOING TO TELL YOUR MOTHER.” And now you have to go see those people in person and it is going to be awkward. So here’s my advice to you. Print out all of the reasonable and sane articles you want to share and put them in a big briefcase and as soon as you get there just throw them through a window. It’ll create a loud, terrible noise to distract people from their stress and it will work just as well at convincing that one crazy motherfucker in your family that they shouldn’t fuck with you. And – BONUS – now you’re the craziest motherfucker in your family. The crazy you know (and are -sort of- in control of) is better than the crazy you don’t know. That’s what I always say.
If that seems too extreme then maybe bring bottle of schnapps and tell everyone that you’re going to take a shot every time someone says something reprehensible. (Hint: Smashing a window with even the most well-intentioned of briefcases is sort of reprehensible so please have a shot for me.)
Or you could just stay calm and sober and engage in a thoughtful conversation that leads to understanding and compassion and empathy. That last one sounds like the right answer but – just in case – I’m still bringing my schnapps, several pertinent articles to hand to anyone who picks a fight with me, and a brick to throw through the window because I just realized I don’t even own a briefcase.
Happy Thanksgiving, y’all. I love you even if I disagree with you.
But none of your damn windows are safe.
PS. I just remembered that Thanksgiving is supposed to be about giving thanks so I’m going to try to turn this around to something more positive.
Things I’m thankful for:
My friends
My family
Bricks
Cats
Schnapps
books
you