Yesterday I was driving through the Fort Davis Mountains after dropping Hailey off at sleep away camp and I was NOT crying even though I wanted to because 2 weeks is a long time and stop judging me so I decided to distract myself so I was loudly belting out Amy Winehouse’s Valerie when suddenly two enormous turkey vultures decided they hated me and dive-bombed my car and then I screamed, “WTF” and I started going faster because birds were attacking me and then I got pulled over and had to explain to the police officer that yes, I was speeding but I had a good reason because birds, and the cop was like, “Well, that’s new” but then he saw the claw mark on my roof and I offered him an umbrella to keep the vultures from pecking out his eyes but then suddenly the vultures were gone because of course they fucking were but I think I gave the cop a headache because after he was very certain I was sober he decided to let me off with a warning because I’m not sure he wanted to meet me again in traffic court.
And then I got back home last night and today I was taking the garbage out through the garage but the door locked behind me and Victor is out of town so the only people inside were cats who were very unhelpful and I didn’t have my phone to call anyone so I tried the windows but none were open and the cats were just looking at me like I was insane and then I fell into the bushes and then the security guard drove up and was like, “Ma’am? Can I help you?” And also I was barefoot and wearing cat pajamas. Did I mention that? And I couldn’t prove that I lived there because all I had was a bag of trash and I was like, “I know what this looks like but why would I bring trash to break into a house?” and he sort of stared at me, probably because actually that’s a great way to break into a house because you look like you’re totally not a prowler and you can fill your trash bag with valuables. Luckily though the guard recognized me because I’m the lady who’s always yelling at those swans outside my house and he offered to call a locksmith but then I remembered that the back door was unlocked and then I DIDN’T GET ARRESTED FOR TWO DAYS IN A ROW.
WIN.