It’s late, but that’s not a surprise.
It’s always late when this happens. The business and sunlight and work drive away any time you have to feel too strongly, but eventually the sun goes down and everyone is tucked into bed and you are alone and the only sound is your terrible voice in your head. And you try to drown it out with the world but the world isn’t enough.
Or it’s too much.
I’m not sure, and somehow that makes it worse.
It would be better if there was a reason. I check the internet. Mercury is not in retrograde. I’m on my meds. My life is good and I am lucky. I step outside and see that it’s a full moon and I find some small comfort in this. I know people say the moon doesn’t affect people, but on nights like these when you want to crawl out of your own skin it’s a comfort to cling to the idea that it’s not really you…that it’s the moon. Maybe it’s both.
Tomorrow I will feel better. I will wonder who wrote this strange note. I will find it silly and feel ridiculous.
But tonight my head is the moon – too full. Tonight I will lay in my bed wondering if the promise of morning is real. If I’m stuck in this night forever.
I will wonder, does everyone feel this lost? Am I the only one who becomes invisible in the night? A desperate ghost in my own house. In my own skin.
Tonight is hard, but tomorrow will be better.
I’ll keep telling you that if you keep telling me.