So this morning I was cleaning up and I turned on the dishwasher but then a few minutes later I noticed that the laundry detergent was on the counter and I haven’t done laundry in days then I was all “Fuck. Did I just put laundry detergent in the dishwasher?” and then I kind of panicked because one time we put dish soap in the dishwasher and the house exploded in foam so I got on twitter and I was all “Hypothetically speaking, if I accidentally put laundry detergent in the dishwasher will that make my dishwasher explode? I kind of need to know as soon as possible” and like half of the people were all “Oh you’ll be fine, dumbass” and the other half were all “THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE. GET OUT NOW” and one guy was like “It’ll help remove the blood stains” which makes me wonder what he uses his dishwasher for. But I was still worried so I wrapped a old comforter around the dishwasher in case it started to leak because comforters are like giant shamwows and I felt pretty proud of my ingenuity but then Victor walked in and was all “Why is there a comforter wrapped around the dishwasher?” and I didn’t want to explain it because he still hasn’t stopped talking about the last time I set the oven on fire and that was years ago, people. Like, let’s live in the present already, right? But then I remember that in the present I may have just broken our dishwasher by dumping a bunch of Tide in it but I didn’t want to admit that yet because it’s still vaguely possible that I used the right soap so instead I told Victor that the dishwasher was cold and he was all “What. the. fuck?” and I was like “Well, it has to heat up to wash the dishes, right? And I thought it would help save energy if I insulated it so it could get hot faster. And then our dishes would be cleaner. I’m always thinking” and Victor just stared at me in silence and then I admitted that I may have used laundry detergent in the dishwasher and he shook his head and me and then he explained that he’d left the laundry detergent out on the counter and I was all “SO THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT” and Victor was like “What? How is this my fault?” but I stormed off before he could say anything else because it’s a nice change when Victor fucks something up for once.
Comment of the day: First, if you are going to set the oven on fire, do it the right way. My father literally blew the door off the oven when I was a kid baking the traditional Guyanese Black Cake for Christmas. Just think lots of rum, fumes, and an oven NOT left cracked open so the fumes could escape. My mom didn’t mind. She got a new kitchen for Christmas. And we got a family story that makes all my mishaps seem small. Mostly. Next, about the dishwasher. Our dishwasher died in a horrible yet spectacular fashion. Which is why I know how to get blood off dishes. The key is to spray them with that non-stick cooking spray like you do if you’re putting tomato based products in plastic containers. After whatever causes the blood spray is done, you can just rinse them off. Just be careful carrying the dishes because they’ll be a little slippery like when you clean your wood floors with Pledge late at night. It sounded like a good idea until the next morning when your young son got out of bed in his socks and steps into the room and goes flying across the floor into the opposite wall and looks at you with his adorable faces and screams “what did you do this time!” If you do use the cooking spray on the dishes, you’ll also have to come up with a good excuse for WHY you used it. I think planning ahead like that is called pre-meditation. ~ Chele Luzier