stuff better left unpublished

Jenny Lawson: Human Shish Kabob

So, if you’ve been following the crazy bullshit that is my body trying to kill me you already know that I’m on a ton of new meds to fix a ton of broken shit, but the newest update is that my doctor called with more blood results and was like, “Girl, you’ve got ALL the anemias.Continue reading “Jenny Lawson: Human Shish Kabob”

I’m too high to write this but I’m going to anyway.

So yesterday I thought it would be fun to leave free books around town and then post pictures of them so people could find them, and I finished one drop… …and then 40 minutes later I was here: Long story short, an alien was chewing its way out of my stomach and I started faintingContinue reading “I’m too high to write this but I’m going to anyway.”

This would be funnier if you were drunk too.

A morning in the life of me: This morning I went to see Sisters at the movies with my friend Maile. We were concerned that it might not be funny and we needed it be so we ordered drinks but the movie theater was like, “It’s illegal to sell you booze this early on Sunday morningContinue reading “This would be funnier if you were drunk too.”

And that’s why I don’t trust science.

People always say that every snowflakes is unique, but I’m not sure if I believe it because really who’s checking? Probably somebody just looked at a few dozen snowflakes and said, “Fuck, these things all look slightly different” and then just shrugged and wrote down that “no two snowflakes are alike” because he was cold and ready toContinue reading “And that’s why I don’t trust science.”

Jesus. The google searches I’m going to get for this one…

Facebook just suggested I wanted to see a story entitled: “Man arrested for breaking into funeral home to perform sexual act on female corpse” My first thought was, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME, FACEBOOK. That is NOT the kind of weird shit I want to know about and I really don’t appreciate what you’re implying.” My secondContinue reading “Jesus. The google searches I’m going to get for this one…”

I’m a murderer. Sort of.

Remember a few weeks ago when I confessed that I can’t keep a houseplant alive, but then somehow managed to accidentally grow a plant in my pantry when a sweet potato went rogue? And then I gave it googley eyes and a name? Well it turns out I can’t even keep a yam alive because – inContinue reading “I’m a murderer. Sort of.”