Slightly paraphrased email thread between myself and a marketing company that is trying to destroy me:
Dear Blogger: We have an exciting new breakthrough to tell you about in the field of something we’d realize that you are completely against if we bothered to even read your blog. If you are interested in writing for free about our incredibly pointless product please submit this form telling us about your blog even though we’re the ones contacting you. If you are approved we will send you high quality photos of something no one gives a shit about. For every 3,000 people you convince to “like” us on facebook we will donate a nickel to the Stop Stabbing Orphans Charity, which we actually started ourselves as a tax write-off. Help us help us by helping us. If you’d like to unsubscribe to this email list which you probably never subscribed to in the first place then reply to us with the subject line of “unsubscribe” and with the reason why you hate orphans so much. Sincerely, the same assholes that email you every damn day.
Dear automated-pitch: This is the 18th time I’ve asked you to unsubscribe me. If you don’t stop sending me emails I will begin stabbing orphans myself. For the love of God, leave me alone. Hugs, Jenny
Dear blogger: This is an automated response confirming your request to unsubscribe from our mailing list. To verify that you would no longer like to receive emails from us please reply to this email with “CONFIRMED UNSUBSCRIBE” in the subject line. Sincerely, those exact same assholes.
Dear assholes: I think maybe you don’t understand what “unsubscribe” means. Sending me an email confirming that I don’t want you to send me any more emails is (at best) kind of a dick move. I hate you and your products. Hugs, Jenny
Dear Blogger: We have received your request and we are beginning the process of removing you from our mailing list. In order to better serve our customers, please let us know why you no long wish to receive emails by using the attached survey which requires you to log into our system and verify that you requested removal. You will be sent an email to verify that you are you before being allowed to fill out the survey. If you did not request removal and believe this was done in error then do nothing and we will continue to offer our valuable service of mailing you distracting and pointless bullshit. Your friends, the assholes
Dear assholes: I’m ordering an orphan-stabbing knife in the shape of your logo. Send me another email and I will mail you a satchel of angry typhoid-infested cobras. ~Jenny
Dear blogger: You have not responded to the survey we sent you one week ago. If this email was sent to you in error, please ignore.
JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE OR I WILL DISEMBOWEL YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY WHILE YOU SLEEP. STOP. FUCKING. EMAILING ME.
Out-of-office message: I will be out of the office from Feb 3 – 14th. If you need assistance please log on to our automated website. You will be required to set up an account if you do not already have one. Our entire goal in business is to make you never want to open your email box again. Please fill out the attached survey letting us know how we’re doing. Thanks. We’re totally doing this on purpose now.