UPDATED: In the last two days Lisa has created her own blog, which is less of a blog and more of an online store to market t-shirts that she refuses to sell or even to create. This is all true.
Remember last week when I said I was crazy-busy and instead of writing a post I was going to just post a bunch of text messages and status updates that my friend Lisa G. had written and you all said “She’s awesome! You should post her text messages several more times this week because this doesn’t seem like you’re phoning it in at all. Also, nice hair. Have you lost weight?” And no, I haven’t lost weight but I do agree that having Lisa guest-post is awesome. Which is why today is another post consisting entirely of non-sequiters from my friend who really does need her own blog.
You’re welcome/I’m sorry:
If I was the most famous person ever, I could sell so much pizza.
ABC World News just informed me that to be happy, I need to be an Asian-American Jewish man. I thought all I needed was prozac. I have a lot of work to do.
Thank you Whole Wheat Pasta company for covering your package with so much information about how healthy your product is, that I can’t figure out how many minutes it takes to cook it.
Why would anyone keep a dog in your purse? FYI…. it is a dog… it could poop there. I am nixing the whole idea.
Somewhere something wonderful is waiting to happen.
Oh. I have just been notified that the wonderful thing already happened. Sorry everyone.
Nope… there was only that one.
My editor is tough, demanding one new book a day. However, he did mention how much he likes the new ninja dog series. Never work for a seven year old. Huge mistake.
Dear Sun Drop soda company: Your commercial is incredibly inane. Is it really a commercial, or just a bad joke? Also, does your product come in diet? I suddenly want one.
Never google how they get the squid ink for black pasta while eating black pasta.
I thought maybe they milked them. This is not the case.
Apparently they harvest it from a sac near the squid’s anus. While I haven’t seen it myself, would definitely NOT recommend the video.
Dear Extreme Survivalist Dude: While I fully support your efforts, one crazy old guy holed up in his cellar with cans of creamed corn is NOT what we will need to repopulate the earth after a nuclear event.
What is up with all this ‘whole grain’ business? Is it okay to eat bread again? Someone tell me now.
No, I will not be running for president. Quit asking me.
Why did God make people eat unleavened bread? What is wrong with leavening?
Saw this thing about plate tectonics. Turns out it is nothing personal. You can’t help being a huge ball of molten lava. These things just happen.
I admire people who invent themselves many times over. I can’t even figure my life out once.
I am watching real reality tv with my kid. Tornados, earthquakes, volcanoes, we are all going to die. Don’t know how we made it this far, actually.
Just one question… who exactly is paying for the sonogram I look at before my abortion? Do we get to keep the pictures even if we go ahead with the procedure? Are souvenir frames available?
It’s not the load that breaks you down. It is the irritating fact that you failed to get someone else to carry it for you.
I think the speeches at the Oscars are so painful because we are used to these people being given lines.
So glad not to be a celebrity. I don’t need my drunken rages all over the National Inquirer.
“The only way to survive is to change.” Today’s quote brought to you by the Discovery Channel and some fish that learned how to fly.
Thanks to Tigo, we have been really into space exploration this week. I do not want to fly to Mars because apparently photons can shoot right into your brain. Who needs that?
No matter what happens in the day, if you have people who love really love you, it makes no difference. The bad stuff just scatters by to remind you what is important.
Today I got stuck at a traffic light next to a dead stinky skunk. All I could think was, would this be happening to me had I gone to Harvard?
Dear AT&T: I don’t want a phone to save me from my phone. How do I know I can trust this new phone once the first one turns against me?
They teach you busy work at school so they can prepare you for life.
Never make excuses. It only brings attention to the things you never intended to do in the first place.
People really love holding decorated poster boards while yelling. I wonder if it is some chemical in the sharpie ink.
I want to buy a lottery ticket. First, I should probably google the winning numbers. Maybe I am not winning because my efforts have been poorly researched.
Went to the store today. Everyone was inexplicably standing right in my way.
OMG… This bowling alley is open 24 hours. WHY?
Having only one kid means I am not running around the bowling alley looking like a homeless person carrying eight pairs of shoes.
At a children’s birthday party: Is every blonde little girl at Tigo’s school named Emily? I need to know if this is a coincidence, or a rule I can apply across the board.
I was hungry for Chick-fil-a on a Sunday, so I came back in time and had some for lunch today.
Out driving on a beautiful day. Patches of stark white ice still huddle into curbs and shade, defiant against the rising sun.
Watching the news… how hard is it to get through life without sending out racy pictures of yourself?
I’m grateful not to work for a news station. I could be standing on an icy bridge with a microphone right now.
Sometimes, when I go to bed early, Harley comes with me. It makes me feel special. Because, if a dog thinks nothing interesting is going to happen without you around, who can argue with that?
Sweet fancy Moses.
Bill O’Reilly is interviewing Obama before the Super Bowl? Is this some pre-game show from the twilight zone?
The store seems crowded. That is okay. Not everyone in this place is willing to take someone out for a bag of limes and a bottle of fabric softener. We will see who comes out of this thing alive. We will see.
Anachronistic quote of the day: ‘Those computer monitors are huge! They must be from the 1920’s or something.’
I wish Christmas music didn’t have the word “Christmas” in it so much.
We were going to start a winter storm shelter for all the drivers who got their cars stuck on the hill by our house. However, when they realized Tigo would be watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, people said they would rather freeze.
Today I am carb loading for a marathon. The one which I will suddenly realize I have not entered.
A lady on the aisle tells her husband, “Joy. We need joy.” Then, I realize they are only talking about dish detergent. But then I think, what the hell, and throw some into my cart too.