UPDATED: She’s less of a guest-poster and more of an involuntary squatter

UPDATED: In the last two days Lisa has created her own blog, which is less of a blog and more of an online store to market t-shirts that she refuses to sell or even to create.  This is all true.

Remember last week when I said I was crazy-busy and instead of writing a post I was going to just post a bunch of text messages and status updates that my friend Lisa G. had written and you all said “She’s awesome!  You should post her text messages several more times this week because this doesn’t seem like you’re phoning it in at all.  Also, nice hair.  Have you lost weight?”  And no, I haven’t lost weight but I do agree that having Lisa guest-post is awesome.  Which is why today is another post consisting entirely of non-sequiters from my friend who really does need her own blog.

You’re welcome/I’m sorry:

If I was the most famous person ever, I could sell so much pizza.

ABC World News just informed me that to be happy, I need to be an Asian-American Jewish man. I thought all I needed was prozac. I have a lot of work to do.

Thank you Whole Wheat Pasta company for covering your package with so much information about how healthy your product is, that I can’t figure out how many minutes it takes to cook it.

Why would anyone keep a dog in your purse? FYI…. it is a dog… it could poop there. I am nixing the whole idea.

Somewhere something wonderful is waiting to happen.

Oh.  I have just been notified that the wonderful thing already happened. Sorry everyone.

Nope… there was only that one.

My editor is tough, demanding one new book a day. However, he did mention how much he likes the new ninja dog series. Never work for a seven year old. Huge mistake.

Dear Sun Drop soda company: Your commercial is incredibly inane. Is it really a commercial, or just a bad joke? Also, does your product come in diet? I suddenly want one.

Never google how they get the squid ink for black pasta while eating black pasta.

I thought maybe they milked them. This is not the case.

Apparently they harvest it from a sac near the squid’s anus. While I haven’t seen it myself, would definitely NOT recommend the video.

Dear Extreme Survivalist Dude: While I fully support your efforts, one crazy old guy holed up in his cellar with cans of creamed corn is NOT what we will need to repopulate the earth after a nuclear event.

What is up with all this ‘whole grain’ business? Is it okay to eat bread again? Someone tell me now.

No, I will not be running for president. Quit asking me.

Why did God make people eat unleavened bread? What is wrong with leavening?

Saw this thing about plate tectonics. Turns out it is nothing personal. You can’t help being a huge ball of molten lava. These things just happen.

I admire people who invent themselves many times over. I can’t even figure my life out once.

I am watching real reality tv with my kid. Tornados, earthquakes, volcanoes, we are all going to die. Don’t know how we made it this far, actually.

Just one question… who exactly is paying for the sonogram I look at before my abortion? Do we get to keep the pictures even if we go ahead with the procedure? Are souvenir frames  available?

It’s not the load that breaks you down. It is the irritating fact that you failed to get someone else to carry it for you.

I think the speeches at the Oscars are so painful because we are used to these people being given lines.

So glad not to be a celebrity. I don’t need my drunken rages all over the National Inquirer.

“The only way to survive is to change.” Today’s quote brought to you by the Discovery Channel and some fish that learned how to fly.

Thanks to Tigo, we have been really into space exploration this week. I do not want to fly to Mars because apparently photons can shoot right into your brain. Who needs that?

No matter what happens in the day, if you have people who love really love you, it makes no difference. The bad stuff just scatters by to remind you what is important.

Today I got stuck at a traffic light next to a dead stinky skunk. All I could think was, would this be happening to me had I gone to Harvard?

Dear AT&T: I don’t want a phone to save me from my phone. How do I know I can trust this new phone once the first one turns against me?

They teach you busy work at school so they can prepare you for life.

Never make excuses. It only brings attention to the things you never intended to do in the first place.

People really love holding decorated poster boards while yelling. I wonder if it is some chemical in the sharpie ink.

I want to buy a lottery ticket. First, I should probably google the winning numbers. Maybe I am not winning because my efforts have been poorly researched.

Went to the store today. Everyone was inexplicably standing right in my way.

OMG… This bowling alley is open 24 hours. WHY?

Having only one kid means I am not running around the bowling alley looking like a homeless person carrying eight pairs of shoes.

At a children’s birthday party: Is every blonde little girl at Tigo’s school named Emily? I need to know if this is a coincidence, or a rule I can apply across the board.

I was hungry for Chick-fil-a on a Sunday, so I came back in time and had some for lunch today.

Out driving on a beautiful day. Patches of stark white ice still huddle into curbs and shade, defiant against the rising sun.

Watching the news… how hard is it to get through life without sending out racy pictures of yourself?

I’m grateful not to work for a news station. I could be standing on an icy bridge with a microphone right now.

Sometimes, when I go to bed early, Harley comes with me. It makes me feel special. Because, if a dog thinks nothing interesting is going to happen without you around, who can argue with that?

Sweet fancy Moses.

Bill O’Reilly is interviewing Obama before the Super Bowl? Is this some pre-game show from the twilight zone?

The store seems crowded. That is okay. Not everyone in this place is willing to take someone out for a bag of limes and a bottle of fabric softener. We will see who comes out of this thing alive. We will see.

Anachronistic quote of the day: ‘Those computer monitors are huge! They must be from the 1920’s or something.’

I wish Christmas music didn’t have the word “Christmas” in it so much.

We were going to start a winter storm shelter for all the drivers who got their cars stuck on the hill by our house. However, when they realized Tigo would be watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, people said they would rather freeze.

Today I am carb loading for a marathon. The one which I will suddenly realize I have not entered.

A lady on the aisle tells her husband, “Joy. We need joy.” Then, I realize they are only talking about dish detergent. But then I think, what the hell, and throw some into my cart too.

97 thoughts on “UPDATED: She’s less of a guest-poster and more of an involuntary squatter

Read comments below or add one.

  1. She is awesome and brilliant. Easy to see why you’re friends. And I’m not kissing inksacs, either.

  2. Also? Lisa needs a tumblr that she can send her texts to because there’s a book in here somewhere and then you and she could go on booktours together and it would be brilliant.

  3. I would like to also suggest “regular feature” because lisa is amazing, and if she won’t blog herself, than as your friend, you TOTALLY have the right to use her on your blog. I’m pretty sure. Mostly.

  4. Yes, Sundrop comes in diet. And cherry lemon. The bastards stopped making plain cherry.

  5. Jenny should do another 11 cent drive, only this time for each donation, we give out our mobile numbers and have a chance for Lisa to randomly text us.

    We don’t need no stinkin’ Nathan Fillion.

  6. man, everyone is so bitter about chik-fil-a closing sundays. I mean, me too. But in Ohio, the fact of even having one within an hours drive is a miracle.

  7. I am not sure where you can get keepsake abortion sonogram picture frames AT THIS PRESENT TIME, but I smell a new Etsy store in my future.

  8. Absolutely awesome, but I would have said she was more of a squattee. Or maybe that you forcibly squatted her on you? No, that sounds bad.

  9. RE: Whole Wheat Pasta: AMEN!

    Also: There is so much truth in her statements that if she ever WAS to start a blog, the universe would collapse. I am sure of it.

  10. This makes me want to write down the crazy crap my friends say and put it on my blog. Totally going to. You’re so inspirational!

  11. So awesome!!! She is Confucius for the Modern Age except without all that Yoda speak, you know: Man who stand on toilet get high on pot.” That sort of thing! She should write a life-guide book!

  12. Please tell the crazy guy holed up in his cellar to not eat Whole Grains either. Paleo or nothing.
    Also, it is sad that the only little blond girl I know is named Emily.

  13. Great. This piqued my curiosity and made me look up how they harvest squid ink. I watched the video, and am 100% positive that I will NEVER. EVER. eat black pasta.
    ‘Sometimes you get a real squirter’
    ‘Now you have a little hat. Made of tentacles’
    I will never be the same again.

  14. The only text messages I get these days is my parents bitching about still having no power in northern Alabama. I didn’t realize there was power to lose in northern Alabama.

  15. man, I’m gone for one weekend, and you have to be so frickin hilarious with your hilarious friend! I’m so Jealous! I’m gonna have to have you RSS’d to my phone so I can stay current. Damn you Jenny! 😉

  16. I like Lisa, I really do. But why does she have to tell us that the wonderful thing already happened and there was just that one? Now I feel like I have wasted a great deal of time waiting for nothing.

  17. She really should be writing in some way, whether it’s a blog or on twitter or whatever.

    I do love your friend, but I love you too Jenny so I look forward to your return!

    (In other news, I wish that thingo down there actually showed my last blog entry and not several entries ago. But whatever.)

  18. I liked your “last blog” functionality so I looked at your code and saw it was called “comlove” so I Googled it to find out what it was, but accidentally typed “cumlove.” Boy. That was a mistake.

  19. Am I about to do the thing where my comment consists almost entirely of repeating something in the post and then saying I liked it? Youbetcha!

    Today I am carb loading for a marathon. The one which I will suddenly realize I have not entered.

    This was hilarious. For reals. Still chuckling.

  20. I would like to know, by no earlier than 3 a.m. tonight, where this alleged 24-hour bowling alley is.

  21. Clearly, the reason I don’t understand the texting craze is because I’m not friends with Lisa G. She really needs to set up a subscription service…

  22. Can you give her my number….I need some genius in my life.

  23. I love that you’ve been collecting all her texts, you know, just in case.
    Either that or…she’s your imaginary friend and actually you’re the one writing these texts. Have you and Lisa ever been seen in the same room together?

  24. How convenient. I just increased my text plan today. Clearly I need a Lisa G to liven up my additional text messages.

  25. She is like a living breathing Deep Thoughts – but real-er, so much real-er – sigh. Brilliant.

  26. “At a children’s birthday party: Is every blonde little girl at Tigo’s school named Emily? I need to know if this is a coincidence, or a rule I can apply across the board.”
    Yes. Every little blonde girl is named Emily. I know, I was one of them.

  27. a bird just pooped on my freshly blossomed magnolia flower.

    this has nothing to do with your post, but i thought you should know.

  28. can I get on her regular texting list?!?!?!? I need the laughs

  29. Oh. My. God. It’s like she’s texting the voices inside my head. I must be picking it up on my fillings or something. Time to adjust the tin foil hat.

  30. Both of you make me feel so much less crazy about texting personalized narrated audio recordings of the 13 year cicada infestation currently going on in the woods behind my house to my friends this weekend…it is Alien Nation. Thank you

  31. I too worry about dogs pooping in handbags. I mean in Beverly Hills bitches carry Chanel and Gucci! Then I remember what the Osbournes house was like (covered in animal feces and urine) and I realize this: The Rich don’t give a shit about poop. even in their handbags. Almost makes me NOT want to be rich. almost.

  32. great, now all I can think about is an imaginary supermarket where you can buy joy, peace, tranquility, five more minutes and all kinds of shit you always need but can’t have.

    Now heaven looks a lot like K-mart in my head. Thanks a lot

  33. Made me howl with laughter! What a great way to start the day. Thank you

  34. I think Christmas songs would be a helluva lot more popular without the word Christmas in them. Now I know why I can’t stand it. People would definitely be into buying an album
    of Christmas songs with that word removed.

  35. “Sweet fancy Moses” is now my new go-to exasperation phrase. And I have apparently been forgetting to enter marathons for the past 34 years…

  36. “Went to the store today. Everyone was inexplicably standing right in my way.”

    Damn, this happened to me too. I love this woman and must know her. I’m coming to visit ASAP. Where exactly do you live?

  37. ….I think she and I are twins. I will stop there lest I be blocked William Shatner style 😉

    Definitely needs to be considered as a regular feature!

  38. so funny, so glad I read this, even if I didn’t have diarrhea today, I think I would have pooped my pants anway! thanks!

  39. I actually did google how they get the squid ink for the pasta. Never been the same since. Warning for those who have not yet done so–don’t.

  40. Receipt of a text message of that nature, while I was, let’s say, grocery shopping, or walking my dog, would completely derail me. I would lose my train of thought, forget who I am, forget the dog and the groceries, and just go pick up and start a new life somewhere safe, where nobody is draining squid anuses into my pasta. Life is hard enough without having to deal with these notions.

    Lisa G is Satan.

  41. As an Asian-American Jewish man, I must protest the ABC World News story. My life is not all unicorns and rainbows. Some days there is traffic.

  42. We have an extreme survivalist dude in our community and SHE IS SO RIGHT. We do not want him attempting to repopulate the planet. Ick.

  43. >>> Never make excuses. It only brings attention to the things you never intended to do in the first place. <<<

    This *points above* totally puts me in mind of my philosophy about the workplace …

    NEVER and I do mean EVER demonstrate any sort of ability not related to your actual job or you will be clearing paper jams, fixing staplers or making coffee for the rest of your life.

  44. Maybe somebody already said this, but you lose major lazy points here, girl. You coulda microblogged each one of those and not had to come up with anything original for a month of Sundays.

    Plus I wouldn’t have gotten bored and stopped reading halfway through that godawful long list.

  45. Reading through this made me read through some of the things my mother sends me and the comparisons are hilarious.
    From my mom: “When your bra size is the same as your 13 year old sister’s, you should really consider a water bra… or a professional consult… or both. Just sayin.”

    “He is a jewelry cross-dresser?”

    “Now they are making her sit for 15 minutes to avoid post shot fainting… nutty.”
    “Correction: They are making her sit in anticipation until her anxiety is raised.. Very nutty. P.S. Testing proved nothing more than teenage girls are drama queens. We knew. Thanks.”

  46. My friends rely on me to provide amusing status updates and texts. Obviously, I have stupid friends. Wanna trade?

    Just remembered: I forgot to Google “winning sales techniques” before I wrote this. Damn.

  47. That’s it, you have the PERFECT fill in sub when you need to finish the book, or hide away from us for awhile… NEVER erase this woman’s texts……

  48. Update:
    One my mother sent me right now: “Remember, Christi. You are a strong proud black woman.”
    I’m a 100 pound white girl from Montana. Interesting.
    Maybe I should copy your last blog and do Texts from my mother. Good grief.

  49. Seriously loving her. Why doesn’t she have a blog? Apparently she could just do what you just did and have a very successful one? It would hardly be any more work for her…but you’d sort of be screwed on your material.

    You better write that book fast.

  50. Yes, she’s lovely. and if she is a friend of yours I will support her! Just have to say, miss you Jenny!!

  51. I actually have seen a squid’s ink sac. We dissected squids in the 7th grade, and dipped their spine (or whatever it is they have instead of spines) into their ink to write morbid little notes. Also, I had no idea that squids have anuses, but I guess it’s true what they say. Everybody really does poo.

  52. As fate would have it, I looked yesterday at Lisa’s blog for unattainable T-shirts. The one that was posted was for “women’s wear” with the words, “Look, I have BOOBS!!!”

    Sadly enough, I know quite a few guys who could wear these shirts. Mostly guy with names such as Suga, LaTwinka, and Chablis.

  53. I wonder if post “stark white ice” is a haiku? All funny and thought provoking.

  54. How about never google squid ink pasta – ever – it’s black. Who wants to eat black food?? It’s BLACK!! It looks like you are eating strips of mud. Or strips of a Bridgestone tire. It’s black……… black food is not meant to be eaten, when my food turns black, I throw it out. Now I won’t be able to eat for the rest of the day….

  55. I know this is an old post… But I happen to BE an asian-american jewish man. I’m also gay… and some how registered republican, and over 6′ tall, and this is ALL with a french last name. I like to think i’m pretty happy.

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