Category Archives: phoning it in

Writer’s block

I’m having a bit of writer’s block so I’m phoning it in with pictures of Hunter S. Thomcat (and friends).

PicMonkey Collage

You’re welcome, America.

This is not a real post

This isn’t a real post.  It’s just a bunch of follow-ups to old ones:

1.  My laptop is still stolen.  The airline is still silent on what they found on their video cameras.  I’m still incredibly stupid for trusting American Airlines with it.  They offered me $900 in vouchers which I told them I don’t want.  Luckily though, I’ve made enough money off of my stickers (version 1 and 2) to replace my old laptop.  That is the beauty of buying a very cheap laptop.  GIANT THANK YOUS GO HERE.

2.  me to Victor:  I just got invited to speak at a blog conference in Kokomo.

Victor:  You’re not going to Kokomo.

me:  You can’t tell me what to do.

Victor:  …Because Kokomo is a fictional island invented by the Beach Boys.

me:  OH.  Wait…I meant Kosovo.  That’s a real place, right?

Victor:  This is why you never get the blue pie when we play Trivia.

3.  The first ever bloggess book club starts in 8.5 hours (7p central) and we’ll be discussing the first few chapters right here.  There will be a new discussion thread here tomorrow to discuss chapters 3 through 7.  Unless this whole thing fails miserably.  Then I’ll just show up and talk about ponies and how to make booze slushees.

4.  There is no number 4.

5.  Hailey made a fruit bat headband because she’s really into fruit bats right now (?) and the cats have taken to wearing it whenever they’re resting.  It’s like a fucking sleeping mask for cats who want to seem ready for an attack even when they’re unconscious.  There’s not a joke in here.  This is just my life.  Ferris Mewler right now:


Feeling a bit like death warmed over


I’m not quite myself this week.

I’m right in the middle of one of those weird depression weeks that alternates between a series of anxiety attacks and self-loathing mixed with not being able to do anything productive so I’m taking the day off to take your advice and watch episodes of Sherlock and Downton Abbey.  I’m dragging myself to the doctor today but I’m sort of an empty well so nothing funny today.  I do, however, have a picture for you that my friend Maile took of me a few weeks ago that seems somehow fitting.  Victor thinks it looks like I’m slacking off again.  I think I more like a disturbed crime scene.  I think that says a lot about Victor and I.

PS.  I’ll be back to myself any day now.  Promise.  No worries.  And remember, if you’re feeling this too, depression lies.  Keep fighting the good fight.  You’re worth it.

See you on the other side.

UPDATED: Those are fighting words, internet

A few times I year I checkout Alexa to see what’s bringing people to this blog.

This is what I found today:

 Really, internet?  That is both terrifically insulting and also just plain wrong.

You spell my name with two G’s.


Updated:  It occurs to me that many of you are new and might not understand why people would even be searching for that.  No worries.  There’s a simple, rational answer to all of this, really.  It’s because I used to be on meth.  The good kind.

UPDATED X 2:  I just noticed that this month there’s been a fairly significant decrease in people googling “douche bag” and then being pointed to my blog.


Where I was

This isn’t a real post.  It’s more of an apology for being gone most of the week.  But I do have a good excuse.  My sister and I threw a hard-core 1800’s party for my parent’s 40th anniversary, complete with full chuck wagon, fiddlers, home-made costumes, all mixed together in an abandoned, haunted fort.  It was awesome and terrible in a way that only my family could make it.  Once you read my book this behavior will all seem perfectly normal.  But for those of you who didn’t follow the party live on twitter, a few pictures:

My parents:

My sister, Lisa:


The grandkids (Hailey, Gabi, Eliana, Bella, Tex):

And the cake.  Because we are nothing if not classy.

Then to stay in full character we experimented with cannibalism and then we all died of dystentery.

All things considered?  Still the best party I’ve every thrown.

And that’s why I can’t get any work done. That and the fact that Doctor Who is on.

A picture of my (previously abandoned) office immediately after I start blogging:

All the cats in the house, present and fucking shit up. Each trying to typing as soon as I type. Sitting on the escape key. Screechy cat fights erupt behind computer within seconds of a good idea. UNWORKABLE.

And that’s why I’m not working for the rest of the week.  Because none of these cats understands how important my job is.  And also because I really want to watch Doctor Who.  And because I’m tired and sort of whiney.  And because I’m going to see my parents for a few days so I can eat out of a chuck wagon in full 1800’s period clothes in the middle of an abandoned and (hopefully) haunted fort.  On purpose.  It’s sort of a long story.  I’d explain it all here but I can’t because I’m taking the rest of the week off.

PS.  Is this the most pointless blog post in the history of ever?  Probably.  

UPDATED: Weekly wrap up in the middle of the week

It’s not the end of the week but it feels like it is because Christmas fucks up my biorhythms and so every day feels like a Friday with no weekend in sight.  That’s why today I’m going to do a Sunday wrap-up for no reason whatsoever.

First, a few updates…Remember a few weeks ago when we all got together and tried to save Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and by donating 750 night-night bags for homeless children?

Well guess what?  WE FAILED.

But just barely.

But that means there are only 27 more packages to go.  And this is when I would say “Let’s have a bake-sale and raise that money, y’all!” but I’m too tired to make rice krispie treats so instead I just paid for the last 27 myself.  Done.  High-five, you guys.  Best motherfucking holiday drive ever.  (PS.  I paid for those last 27 out of the proceeds of my online shop (which is funded by you) so technically you paid for them.  Because you’re awesome.)


I just got an email from the founder of the Night Night Foundation and I wanted to share it with you guys:

“I’m not sure that I can really convey how much help you have given us this holiday.  Truly.  We had always heard about ‘the power of social networking’ but it never seemed to really work in the nonprofit sphere — until you stepped in of course.  You and your readers are really the most generous folks.  We have been so impressed by the swift action and by the kind words that we keep hearing from them.  Everyone is so sweet to let us know that they read about it on your blog.  We are beyond grateful.  I wish you could know how thankful we are this holiday season.”

They aren’t the only ones who are thankful.  I’m so lucky to be a part of something magical each year and none of this would happen without you.  Thank you for letting me be part of this.  Seriously.  Thank you. 


In non-related news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Let’s get started, shall we?

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by me.  Mostly because this isn’t a real weekly wrap-up.  But a lot of people told me that they’d bought my book as a present for friends and family and then realized that it doesn’t actually come out until April, so then they asked if I could send them something personal that they could print out to wrap up.  I said I would and then promptly forgot about it.  So I’m doing it here.  If you bought one of my books for someone else just print this out and put it in an envelope.  Also it makes the perfect gift for people to buy when they’re too lazy to go to the mall.  YOU’RE WELCOME.


And now for something completely ridiculous

I actually do have a real weekly-wrap up coming, but until then, this:


I kind of want to make this into a t-shirt

I don’t get many negative comments, but the ones that I do get are so hysterical that I always suspect that people are leaving them on purpose just to cheer me up.

For example, I just got a comment a few minutes ago saying that I deserve to be angrily divorced for buying a giant metal chicken (which is not an entirely invalid argument), but the guy ended his rant with…

“when your wrong, your wrong.”


I can’t even stop giggling, you guys.

Updated:  As requested, t-shirts.

Alaska. It’s part of America. The end.

I’m going through my journals from Alaska, and almost all of my notes are about playing bingo and how cold ice is.  I am the worst travel reporter ever.  But until I get my shit together, here’s Alaska:

Almost all of my other pictures were of various cheesecakes on the ship buffet.  But in my defense, I really like cheesecake.  More later.  It’ll probably be about bingo.  I apologize in advance for sucking at this.

Updated: Also, I uploaded a video that I shot as we were nearing iceberg country.  It’s a video of the tv playing in our room.  No shit.  But there actually was a good reason:

Nice one, cruise-line.