This week I’m staying by myself in a haunted hotel to force myself to finish my book (I swear, it will actually worth it) so once again I am leaning on my friend Lisa G to provide guest posts this week (which, as always, are stolen entirely from her old text messages and status updates). I owe her several beers and a donkey. Mano is her husband. Tigo is her son. She is awesome.
Obscure texts from Lisa:
- I hate it when people post stuff, telling me what to post. Post this as your facebook status if you love America and don’t believe in eating puppies.
- Revenge of the dying print industry: It is really hard to wrap christmas lights around rolled-up digital newspapers.
- My goal for the new year is to create an aura of learned helplessness around myself that makes everyone want to do stuff for me.
- I don’t judge people unless they are inconveniencing or annoying me. Then, of course, they are on the wrong side of things, not me.
- In other words, have a gay pride parade, just don’t let it block my progress to the mall.
- And also, don’t wear one of those tiny phones in your ear while you are walking around. It makes me think you are talking to me.
- When people ask why we only have one child, I sometimes wonder myself, “Yeah, why don’t we have at least three other kids in this place who can’t find their shoes?”
- Christmas decorating. I spend 20 minutes untangling a string of plastic icicles while Mano realizes that the ornaments we bought do not come with hooks. Have they always not come with hooks? What kind of system is this?? Next, they will start selling us cars with no tires. “Yeah… sorry, you actually want to connect the car to the road? The tires come separate.”
- Sometimes, it is not about being compensated for your time. Sometimes, you want people to leave you alone for free.
- Dear person with religious bumper stickers on your car, driving like a maniac: Just because you are all set for the afterlife doesn’t mean the rest of us want to go right now.
- Am I set in my ways because I refuse to buy the latest technology in fabric softener?
- Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results isn’t insanity, it’s optimism.
- If you can’t say something nice, don’t say something nice.
- Dear yoga instructor: Quit telling me when to breathe. My body knows when it needs air.
- How can AT&T be selling us both the phone that we are addicted to and phone that will save us from addiction to the phone? Is this like that star-bellied sneeches thing?
- Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, nor Liberty to purchase power. The exchange rate is terrible. Sell your invention of a wearable blanket for wealth, then use that to purchase power.
- Everyone… PLEASE STOP SCREAMING. Oh wait…. it’s me.
- Tigo is getting to be such a good reader. I almost feel bad about already knowing how ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’ ends.
- Observed Tigo’s class today. Apparently, according to first graders, you can show people you care simply by not shoving or kicking them. Hallmark is going to go out of business.
- If haven’t kicked or shoved you today, know that I care. One the other hand, if I have, please keep your distance in the future.