This week I’m staying by myself in a haunted hotel to force myself to finish my book (I swear, it will actually worth it) so once again I am leaning on my friend Lisa G to provide guest posts this week (which, as always, are stolen entirely from her old text messages and status updates). I owe her several beers and a donkey. Mano is her husband. Tigo is her son. She is awesome.
Obscure texts from Lisa:
- I hate it when people post stuff, telling me what to post. Post this as your facebook status if you love America and don’t believe in eating puppies.
- Revenge of the dying print industry: It is really hard to wrap christmas lights around rolled-up digital newspapers.
- My goal for the new year is to create an aura of learned helplessness around myself that makes everyone want to do stuff for me.
- I don’t judge people unless they are inconveniencing or annoying me. Then, of course, they are on the wrong side of things, not me.
- In other words, have a gay pride parade, just don’t let it block my progress to the mall.
- And also, don’t wear one of those tiny phones in your ear while you are walking around. It makes me think you are talking to me.
- When people ask why we only have one child, I sometimes wonder myself, “Yeah, why don’t we have at least three other kids in this place who can’t find their shoes?”
- Christmas decorating. I spend 20 minutes untangling a string of plastic icicles while Mano realizes that the ornaments we bought do not come with hooks. Have they always not come with hooks? What kind of system is this?? Next, they will start selling us cars with no tires. “Yeah… sorry, you actually want to connect the car to the road? The tires come separate.”
- Sometimes, it is not about being compensated for your time. Sometimes, you want people to leave you alone for free.
- Dear person with religious bumper stickers on your car, driving like a maniac: Just because you are all set for the afterlife doesn’t mean the rest of us want to go right now.
- Am I set in my ways because I refuse to buy the latest technology in fabric softener?
- Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results isn’t insanity, it’s optimism.
- If you can’t say something nice, don’t say something nice.
- Dear yoga instructor: Quit telling me when to breathe. My body knows when it needs air.
- How can AT&T be selling us both the phone that we are addicted to and phone that will save us from addiction to the phone? Is this like that star-bellied sneeches thing?
- Sell not virtue to purchase wealth, nor Liberty to purchase power. The exchange rate is terrible. Sell your invention of a wearable blanket for wealth, then use that to purchase power.
- Everyone… PLEASE STOP SCREAMING. Oh wait…. it’s me.
- Tigo is getting to be such a good reader. I almost feel bad about already knowing how ‘The Very Hungry Caterpillar’ ends.
- Observed Tigo’s class today. Apparently, according to first graders, you can show people you care simply by not shoving or kicking them. Hallmark is going to go out of business.
- If haven’t kicked or shoved you today, know that I care. One the other hand, if I have, please keep your distance in the future.
87 thoughts on “Why, yes, actually. I *am* kind of phoning it in.”
Read comments below or add one.
Maybe Hallmark could go into the business of selling little cushions that go over the tips of your shoes, to monetize that middle ground between kicking people and not kicking them.
I will be saving some of these for the epitaph on my headstone…
I wish Lisa was my friend
Please text me. I need your wisdom in my stream.
I’m so glad you brought Lisa G to the twitter so we can all now share in her amazing gems of wisdom.
ah… delightful. SO AGREE with the 1st one that I NEVER repost those bullying messages: if you love your spouse/cat/mother/daughter/country/lungs repost this. KISS MY resistant-to-your-obvious-emotional-manipulation-crap fanny. I also love when people post stuff about outrageous political things people do/say and complain about it and that person’s/party’s desire for attention at all costs. BY REPOSTING IT YOU’VE JUST EXTENDED the conversation and CONTINUED the attention to said person/party. duh. =) BTW the title of today’s post made me laugh out loud. THANKS!!! xo
This is the kind of potential Charlie Sheen could achieve if he wasn’t clinically insane or, you know, himself.
My hubby also hates the “re-post this” Facebook statuses. Sometimes his status simply says “re-post this.”
I always feel like I’ve been as good as I am going to get when I resist the urge to shove and kick people. The first graders are on to something, there.
I think anyone with an ear bud is a douche. They just look douchey.
you are always great!!!
Can’t stop laughing… 🙂
I totally agree about the yoga instructor not needing to tell me when to breath. For all my lack of grace in the yoga studio, forgetting the whole inhalation/inhalation thing has never been my problem.
In other yoga news – it turns out it is possible to sprain/strain toes in yoga class. Specifically the two toes closest to the little toe. Because they are apparently not designed to support the majority of your body weight while defying gravity with the rest of your body. Remain unclear why only the left toes have had this structural failure, white the right toes seem just fine. Maybe I have super powered right toes? And if so, how can I abuse (or at least use) this newly revealed power? So far internet searches have been unhelpful…
When I see people with tiny little phones, I think they’re one of the Borg.
But then, in my family, we have geek competitions instead of brunch.
What a wise.. wise … twisted woman. I like it !
Oh yes. These will be quoted.
Just followed her on twitter, probably #7 in my top 10 decisions. Also I hope the Christmas related texts/updates are from December, not May. Although, that would make them more ridiculous…
“Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results isn’t insanity, it’s optimism” has been my personal philosophy since I was 14. Just ask the senior I…well, let’s not say “stalked” because that’s tacky…for the better part of high school.
Lisa clearly “gets” me.
It’s Monday so I am all for phoning it in. Actually, I’m for phoning it in any day it seems at this point. It maybe my style “mid-life” crisis.
I think Lisa could become a millionaire by dispensing her wisdom in all available formats. Then she would not need to invent a new wearable blanket to purchase her power.
I completely agree with Lisa G. about the parades. Parades are such liars. They go around under the guise of “we’re just so happy to be us, we’re going to walk in a line through the streets and wave signs” but what they really mean is, “Take notice of us or we will screw up your entire commute. In fact, we will do that anyway.”
I hate parades.
I can’t get enough of her! She cracks me the fuck up!
What if we invented cards that were spring loaded to hit, for when you wantto show that you DON’T care
Lisa G. is my new hero. Sorry, Jenny, I adore you, I really do. But–good gravy–that Lisa is on FIRE.
#1 – I love the Sneeches!
#2 – The last two remind me of my husband, who finds is difficult to say, “I love you.” Instead, he told me that every time he farts, I should consider it his way of telling me how much he cares for me. Aww…the romance!
Does Lisa have a twitter she can send this shit to? Must have more. Make her. Threaten to kill a puppy. Give her meth. Whatever it takes. Her Dear Yoga and Dear religious bumper sticker literally had me holding back urine.
Anyone who knows what a Star-Bellied Sneech is is aces in my book!
I suppose that i should be impressed that somehow, you have managed to save THREE posts worth of updates, statuses and text messages from one person.
I can’t even find my own statuses, no less someone else’s.
THAT IS ALL…
I’m guessing that you’re hiding out in Gruene again, but I might be wrong so I’ll just keep that between us. And I want Lisa G to text me, too. I’m pretty sure it’s not hard to add a bunch of recipients to a text. Oh, wait – that’s what Twitter does. Never mind.
Lisa’s on to something with this one…
“My goal for the new year is to create an aura of learned helplessness around myself that makes everyone want to do stuff for me.”
Those who stopped breeding after one spawn totally have thier heads on straight when it comes to the whole shoes/socks thing. Those of us who kept at it are so screwed.
These are Great!! Man I wish my friends were as funny as your Lisa. Can she be my friend too? Or at least send me these random texts also? 🙂
Even your friends are funnier than mine. My friends really need to step up their game.
And why are you staying in a haunted hotel to finish your book? You don’t even write horror fiction. That would be like me staying at my mother-in-laws to finish my book. Wait…that would be scary. You’re a genius! Thanks for the idea!
At least you’re phoning it in. I just took the damn phone off the hook.
And I’m very adept at the learned helplessness thing. It comes in very handy with things like mowing the lawn.
“Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results isn’t insanity, it’s optimism.”
I agree whole-heartedly!!! I am always imploring optimisim!! Lisa is hilarious!
This book that you’re writing? It’s going to be EPIC. I can’t wait to get my grubby little fingers on it. May your progress remain unimpeded by crazy internet memes. Hallelujah, amen, and jazz hands.
PREACH IT… I can’t stand it when someone tells me what to post on FB…. Am I supposed to be guilted into posting whatever you believe in or I am going to burn in Hell?!
Lisa is still awesome. Hope the book is coming along… Or at least you’re having fun being haunted… take pics…
I’ll be ordering the book when it goes on pre-sale.
As for Lisa – I love her too!
Don’t get too busy drink wine slushees to finish your book. You’re there to work after all. At least wait til 11 am to start drinking every day. That’s my motto.
Lisa almost stole the spotlight off the fact that YOU are in a HAUNTED hotel.
But I really love her, so now I feel bad…but not….can I just sign up to have these randomly texted to me throughout the day? Can I steal Lisa’s friendship? Don’t be so selfish Jenny. Seriously.
I think this may be right up your alley for your next house!
My favorite is, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything nice.”
“Just because you are all set for the afterlife doesn’t mean the rest of us want to go right now. ”
Holy shit, that is both deeply philosophical and hilarious at the same time. I bow to the master. Thank you Lisa.
When people ask why we only have one child, I sometimes wonder myself, “Yeah, why don’t we have at least three other kids in this place who can’t find their shoes?”
I have one. My sister has four. Whenever she starts to complain about any of them, I stop her and simply say,”You wanted ’em all…”
I thought if a little boy shoved or kicked you it meant he loved you, now if he doesn’t, it means he loves you, WTF do boys like me or not? So confused!
And why IS fabric softener becoming so hi-tech? Why do I need the deodarant-looking stick thing with the peel off sticker? I just bought a new dryer; I don’t want it internally defaced.
I think it’s cool how she encourages her son’s reading skills by not telling him how “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” ends. She’s not like some parents who make it way too easy on their kids.
One of you two must be contagious – you have the same wonderfully twisted sense of humor.
I would eat a puppy if I had to. But I would not like it.
Yeah, selling Christmas ornaments without hooks is like selling hotdogs and hamburger meat without buns. Why??? It’s not like you’re going to eat a naked hotdog or hamburger patty.
Ahaha! Love her! Sadly, I need them to tell me when to breathe. I forget.
If you are staying at The Stanley in Estes Park email me and I will totally ditch my kids for an evening and drive up to buy you a drink!
I’m with all those other people, I wish Lisa was my friend too.
I wish my friend’s texted like this… instead they text from the toilet and threaten to text a pic as proof. And by they I mean we.. okay I really mean me.
Is this person on twitter? Why isn’t this person on twitter so I can STAR these???
I sometimes think that insanity and optimism are the same thing. At my house, anyway.
seems a funny time of year to be so involved with Christmas decorations, or is that just me?
I don’t believe in eating puppies. That sounds terrible.
Awesome, made me wish I:
1. Came up with those quotes on my own or;
2. Had my very own “Lisa G.” to provide free, witty entertainment to thousands while simultaneously increasing my readership, be my bestie and making sure to call me in the haunted motel to make sure I’m not dead (Helloo? Didn’t you ever see 1408? Really, really scary. You should get it on pay-per-view. Your haunted motel has that, right?).
Is wrapping xmas lights around rolled-up newspapers a thing? I had no idea.
I have always thought the print industry was going to get us back for thinking the internet was better than them. Clearly, it has started. Thank you, Lisa, for alerting us to the beginning of the attack. I won’t be turning my back on any of my free magazines anytime soon….
I must now make your friend Lisa G. into my friend Lisa G. These need to be in a book somewhere!
Stephanie, I didn’t know about the lights/newspaper thing either, but my tree has it’s own lights attached so I’m just not going to know about it. I’m OK with that.
I need to know what a star bellied sneech is.
“Everyone… PLEASE STOP SCREAMING. Oh wait…. it’s me.”
I have this moment All. The. Time.
And also, I can’t stand people that insinuate I believe in eating puppies just because I won’t repost their stupid crap.
Go Lisa G.!
So are you staying in the kind of haunted hotel Jack Nickolson stayed in in the Shining, or is it more like Hotel California and all Sado-Masochy and stuff?
Anyway, good luck with your deadline. Looking forward to your book on Gardenias. That IS what it’s about, isn’t it?
BTW could you post something soon about how much you love America? Thanks.
Hmmm… sounds like you’ve discovered that the Snuggie people are hosting a (possibly) violent world take-over. We are doomed, but at least we’ll be cozy.
Love Lisa G!
You can store Christmas lights wrapped around newspaper swords?
I just throw them in a box to get all tangled so the husband can have a project every year.
Huh. Better keep this under wraps.
this is my favorite: “sometimes, it is not about being compensated for your time. Sometimes, you want people to leave you alone for free”
not you people, of course. Misanthropes and maniacs are always welcome.
ahhh the rules of life… 🙂
Phoning it in is acceptable when you are doing something as important as writing this book which will be essential to the library of anyone with a brain. And probably some without, don’t want to exclude them. You are doing IMPORTANT WORK, Jenny, don’t let anyone tell you you’re not.
Also, if you find some real evidence of hauntings, please share it, because I haven’t seen anything convincing at all. You’d think with all the fancy new cameras and the fact that everyone and their dog has one that we’d have seen something somewhat reasonably evidencial, but either ghosts are sneaky bastards or maybe they’re just made up. Still fun though, to get freaked out by old spooky places. If I become a ghost when I die though I am going to do way more fun things than wander around moaning. I want to be the ghost that pisses people off. I want to hide keys and change computer passwords and move stuff around at night so you trip over the coffee table. Awesome.
Always wonderful to have great friends who know how to tell it! Brilliant. Good luck with the writing.
It’s impossible to “get” all of these on the first try. I must disagree with her on one point – if I haven’t shoved or kicked someone today, it’s because I DON’T care…enough to muster the energy to shove or kick them. I’m not shoving or kicking my co-w*rkers right now, but it’s not for any lack of apathy.
Otherwise, Lisa G. is spot on as always. I love how many of these are Christmas themed! She should do a page-a-day calendar.
Gramps – They have bellies with stars. Plain bellied sneetches have none upon thars.
we need a daily inspirational calendar with these phrases. i’d buy it.
I know that I’m supposed to be all witty and stuff in your comments, but really I just love that she dropped star-bellied sneeches in her analogy.
There’s a “latest” technology in fabric softener? I can’t imagine my fabrics being any softer than they already are. Must investigate.
Everyone please stop screaming… Oh wait it’s me… classic, I feel that way all the time… and add in… Everyone pls stop driving wildly and rushing through orange lights at intersections while expecting everyone else to get the hell out of the way… oh wait that’s me too…
That fb “post this as your status if you want to make a meaningless and sheeplike gesture” makes me want to pull someone’s head off. I thought it was just me.
I am now planning on asking my husband to change hisname to “Mano.” As well as seeing if both my sons will consider changing theirs to “Tigo.” How cool are those names??!!
Those texts are hysterical. Your friend has a wicked sense of humor. I have five kids. When one ends up shoeless at the mall, I just say – hey – the others managed, didn’t they?
Good. I was hoping you would write a book! Maybe you can show me how to “market” oneself without being disgusting….it always gives me pause.
Hi Lisa! Small world eh? Love that your standing in. Perfect fit! Enjoyed the random texts sent to J. – ShaneSean
my friends send me really lame texts in comparison.
“when are you getting here?” just isn’t fucking funny!
In my line of work I will SO be using this saying over and over again.
Dear person with religious bumper stickers on your car…..
My favorite! “Dear person with religious bumper stickers on your car, driving like a maniac: Just because you are all set for the afterlife doesn’t mean the rest of us want to go right now.” Now I know how to align myself w/that good life should I want a boooost!
Are these real text messages? so great, my kind of convo.