Still working on my book (last two chapters due in a week) so once again, I have another round of random text messages and status updates that my very odd and fabulously entertaining friend (Lisa G) has sent. I plan on paying her back with the second chupacabra I ever capture.
Deep thoughts from Lisa:
I used to get irritated when people would say, ‘This is Ameerca’, leaving the middle of the word ‘America’ out completely. Now I realize they do it as a warning, alerting you that the next statements coming out of their mouth will be both obnoxious and belligerent.
I am glad they cut the funds for the better street signs. We don’t need street signs anymore now that we can all look at google maps while we’re driving.
I was thinking of the James Bond movie, “The World is Not Enough.” Suddenly it struck me as extremely ungrateful.
The world is enough. It is plenty. Thank you.
Bought a live squid at the Mexican market. I am now training it to predict the future.
If you keep shouting like that, you’ll get big muscles all over your face.
My mom cracks me up when she says things like, “I’ve never been around kids that much.” Uh… you had TWO of them.
You can’t make a sandwich without bread. I don’t care WHAT they are doing at KFC. It isn’t right.
I wonder what the Chilean miners think of the tragedy of cruise ship passengers trapped at sea eating sandwiches.
Everyone likes to think the meaning of life is this big important thing, but I have a sneaking feeling it’s just potato chips.
I can’t keep up with high-energy people early in the morning. Or ever, really.
Geico needs a new ad agency. I am going to post some job descriptions on Career Builder for them.
What can selflessness do for ME?
Why do people sing ‘take me out to the ballgame,” when they are already at the ballgame?
I read that men in prison gain weight without realizing it because those bright orange prison jumpsuits do not have waistbands. Which leads us to diet tip number one: Avoid wearing prison jumpsuits.
Just noticed that this Friday is National Mammography Day. Wouldn’t the declaration of this day put unnecessary strain on mammographers? They must be swamped this week.
Feel like I suck at everything today. I don’t even think I am converting oxygen to carbon dioxide properly.
I hope you will all purchase my new self-help book, Indifference. It will change your life but you won’t care.
Dogs are like kids that you can leave home alone at night without CPS finding out and getting all pissed off about it.
The weather lady said that the day is going to be “oppressive”. Prepare yourselves.
Texans don’t take the concept of hell seriously because every year we live through August.
How long do I have to take heroin before I can go into rehab? I figure that should keep me inside for at least the rest of the summer.
I wonder how Lindsay is doing in prison. I should probably give her a call.
We were in Kroger’s yesterday and Tigo wanted a snack. He wanted $30 fruit and cheese tray, but it seemed over-priced, so I made him get a donut. Then I thought… it IS hard for the disadvantaged to make good food choices. Then I thought… OMG, I’m disadvantaged!
I want to become famous so I can publish my diary, making people read it in search of something deep and meaningful they will never, ever find.
Never walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you judge them. People get really mad when you borrow their things without asking.
The future isn’t what it used to be.
I have been instructed by a website to dissolve all my prescription pain relievers into kitty litter before I throw them away. This way, I can save the people waiting by my trashcan to steal them from using them improperly. Humans are weird.
Maybe people digging through trash deserve to have their vicodin untainted by kitty litter.
In order to take your lunch to work, you must transport the food items in the car with you. It is not as effective to pack them up and then leave them sitting on the table.
Went to a party at the house across the street… 3 piñatas! Clearly these are people who know a good time.