I can’t sleep so I’ve decided to re-write the chorus to one of my favorite songs, “Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off“. I’ve had too much to drink so I can’t even tell if it’s funny or not. I apologize for that.
You say “tomato.” I say “tomato.”
This analogy doesn’t translate well on paper.
*****
I say “eclectic.” You say “epileptic.”
You need a dictionary.
*****
I say “frustrated”. You say “flustrated”.
I’m going to stab you now.
*****
You say “color.” I say “colour.”
No one ever notices because the “u” is silent.
*****
You say, “How do you pronounce ‘indefatigable‘?” I say, “I don’t know. I’ve only seen it in books.”
We agree to just say “energetic” from now on.
*****
I say “conflagration.” You say “What – is this a job interview? What’s with all the five-dollar words? You sound totally pretentious.”
I throw one of your favorite shoes in the trash.
*****
I say “I’m sorry.” You scream, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I HAD $100 HIDDEN IN THAT SHOE.”
I explain how banks work.
*****
You say “I can’t deal with this bullshit”. I say “Are you referring to this indefatigable conflagration?”
We agree to see other people.
*****
You say “Don’t eat those. They’re poisonous”. I say “What?” You say, “Never mind. Too late now.”
I die of intestinal distress.