Let’s call the whole thing off.

I can’t sleep so I’ve decided to re-write the chorus to one of my favorite songs, “Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off“.  I’ve had too much to drink so I can’t even tell if it’s funny or not.  I apologize for that.

 

You say “tomato.” I say “tomato.”

This analogy doesn’t translate well on paper.

*****

I say “eclectic.”  You say “epileptic.”

You need a dictionary.

*****
I say “frustrated”.  You say “flustrated”.

I’m going to stab you now.

*****
You say “color.” I say “colour.”

No one ever notices because the “u” is silent.

*****
You say, “How do you pronounce ‘indefatigable‘?”  I say, “I don’t know.  I’ve only seen it in books.”

We agree to just say “energetic” from now on.

*****
I say “conflagration.”  You say “What – is this a job interview?  What’s with all the five-dollar words?  You sound totally pretentious.”

I throw one of your favorite shoes in the trash.

*****

I say “I’m sorry.”  You scream, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?  I HAD $100 HIDDEN IN THAT SHOE.”

I explain how banks work.

*****

You say “I can’t deal with this bullshit”.  I say “Are you referring to this indefatigable conflagration?”

We agree to see other people.

*****
You say “Don’t eat those.  They’re poisonous”.  I say “What?”  You say, “Never mind.  Too late now.”

I die of intestinal distress.

242 thoughts on “Let’s call the whole thing off.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Then I say ‘putter’ instead of ‘wander around aimlessly’ and somebody assumes I love golf and I have to leave suddenly because I actually hate golf.

  2. I want to stab people in the ear when I hear “Acrosst” or “Irregardless.”

    You say tomato, I say RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRR!!!

    On a side note, I want to see you hosting one of these Presidential debates. The questions you’d ask and the retorts you’d dish out would make brains explode. …for those that have brains, that is…

  3. Just recently I had an online disagreement with someone. It ended thus:

    “you say tomato, I say toma- fuck. That really doesn’t work in print. Basically you’re wrong and you sound like an idiot.”

  4. Hillarious, and I’m sober!!! But… my sense of humour is a little warped (yes that’s how I spell humour, build a bridge)

  5. Also, is it really just a snow cone with Chambord drizzled (or poured) over the top or is it a fancy drink?

    Pardon the ignorance; but again, straight vodka here…

    (It really is a snowcone with chambord poured over the top. Eaten with a spoon. I recommend. ~ Jenny)

  6. That last one belongs in 8lbs of Uncut Cocaine, you know. Most of them towards the bottom of the lists do actually – that might correspond with how close that straw was to the bottom of that snowcone?

  7. Aaaaaand my mind-numbing work day thanks your win- induced insomniac ramblings…..
    You say sidewalk I say footpath (now)
    You say cell phone I say mobile (NOW)
    You look at me strangely when I say jumper (the one you wear in winter, not off a bridge, it’s all so confusing)
    I refuse to say al-u-min-e-um, it’s a-lum-a-num damn it
    That is all (FOR NOW)

  8. “I throw one of your favorite shoes in the trash.”

    This is how I’m going to end all my arguments from now on, regardless of who I’m arguing with and whether they’re wearing those shoes or not.

    You’re hilarious. Thanks for posting, because I was up and I missed all my favorite TV show and they don’t go on Hulu until tomorrow.

  9. I’ve never understood that song. We pronounce things differently, so let’s break up? I mean, as much as I like George and Ira Gershwin, they had some pretty fucked up ideas of how to run a relationship.

    Cole Porter on the other hand, knew his relationship stuff. Of course, he was gay. That probably helps.

  10. When I can’t sleep…like now I bake. Or in my case I’m making fancy chocolates. 😀 Also having many cocktails…minus the slush. Just vodka please!

  11. You say “don’t buy towels…” I say “knock knock motherfucker!”
    What about “ideals” instead of “idea” or people who shop at “WalMarks”?

    And by the way, Pina Colada snow cones make with Malibu Rum are YUMMY!

  12. ZOMG, chambourd snowcone?!?! Can I move in next door to you? I’d feed Beyonce while you were traveling. And *probably* not empty your liquor cabinet.

  13. Oh, a dollar for every time I’ve been on the receiving end of “Nevermind, too late now…” And, now, for some reason, I want ice cream. Great.

  14. it’s late, i’m drunk, and i can’t sleep either. and instead of writing anything creative like you, i check your blog for a new post.

    hang in there, kid. i’d be willing to bet that for a fair number of people, your musings are the bright spot in our day!

    so thank you – all anybody needs is one bright spot!

  15. So um, what are you drinking? ‘Cause I think I’ll have what you’re having.

    @Leila: I read Q-poRn and was confused, but also very intrigued. So I googled it. Wouldn’t you know it, it’s google-able.

  16. How have I missed this party?! Nobody told me this is what insomniacs do at night – drink and write laughable things. My many sleepless nights could have been a lot more interesting. Also, drinking might cure half the reason for my insomnia… “shall we have some rum, sweet little daughter of mine?”

  17. I’m sure it’s not only that it’s late, and I’ve had too much to drink, too, that I’m emitting what would be called a Hearty Chortle here.

  18. Oh, Jenny, my love…you forgot one of the biggest.

    You say, “I must’ve left the toilet seat up unconsciously,” and I say “Much like I will SUBconsciously knock you the fuck out in your sleep if you do it again.”

  19. One of my favorites is when “irregardless” is adverbized. Irregardlessly. Mmmm.

    Also, my grandmother says “been gonna” and pronounces “shr” words sans “h”. It is all I can do to avoid giggling when I hear her order “srimp”. My mother glares at my father because it’s all his fault that I’m disrespectful. But really, it was a group effort.

  20. Jenny,

    I’m starting a gang and so far you and Joel Stein are in it. I’m going to need you to get a tattoo on your face.

    I may have also had too much to drink on occasion, and then took Ambien tweeted at you and some stupid guy with a mustache who I don’t even know. It seems that I’ve landed on my feet, much like Polly.

    Ok, IN-DEE-FAHHH-TEEE-GAHBLEH!

    And we are going to be in Time Magazine this Friday. Or so Joel tells me.

  21. Your drink sounds as good as the ones I get from the drive-thru at Daquiris To Go in Louisiana. My favorite is called Starburst. You can even buy it by the gallon, but I usually just get a half gallon. After a while I run around yelling “TASTE THE FUCKIN’ RAINBOW!” That’s not nearly as funny as your post.

  22. Argh. I seriously want to stab everyone who says ‘acrosst’

    And of course, when I call them out on it, they disclaim any knowledge of ever saying it.

  23. Jamie- 4mg.Lorazapam,15mg. Flexeril,25mg.Savella,
    still awake 3 hours later,*listening* to some stupid
    french film…what else ya got?

  24. You say ovulating, I say olivating…after a few martinis. (Actually, I was thinking this earlier today. I hadn’t any martinis, but work had been rough and maybe I needed one. I never get around to drinking even when my friends insist I should be.)

  25. Jamie-

    4mg.lorazapam,15mg.Flexeril,25mg.Savella…
    Still awake *listening* to a weird french film
    three hours later…got anything else?

  26. I’m not the sharpest spork in the drawer by any means, but shit like this makes my BRAIN BLEED. To, two & too; there, their & they’re; and my new favorite, guys & guise… As in, “Hey you guise!” SERIOUSLY?! And to think, if I hadn’t sold my Snoopy Snow Cone Machine in the yard sale, I could be doing shots with you instead of weeping for the future.

  27. I agree with the irregardless, but one word that’s been a pain in my brain is when people say they’re going to go make themselves a sammich. Seriously?? WTH is a sammich?? I’d MUCH rather have a sandwich, as they are generally healthy and you know what the ingredients are!

  28. In my mind I pronounce “erudite” like “crudite”, so I’m totally screwed if I ever need to actually use the word erudite in conversation. What I’m trying to say is that some words are just better off not spoken. Or maybe I’m trying to say that you’re funny… Or both.

  29. Supposively & re-la-tor (for realtor) both from a cousin with a Masters in English. I have no reasonable explanation. None. Lol

  30. I’ve never had cause to say “indefatigable” out loud, and never thought about it until just now, when I played the Merriam Webster pronunciation thirty times while looking at my computer quizzically. It sounds almost inappropriate.

    You say, “A whole nother.” I say, “What the fuck does ‘nother’ mean?”

    You say, “I have a new mineset.” (mind set) I say, “I will fill your skull with mines.”

  31. I definitely got a good strong laugh out of this, especially the “colour/color” thing. I’m going to make a note to come back next time I’m super drunk and crazy tired and see if it’s even funnier.

  32. Wow. Over 50 comments on one post. You are much beloved. I Had 2 large martinis and a chocolate cupcake.
    I would settle for loved with one (or two) little comments on my blog posts. Sad.

  33. Swear to anything, I re-wrote this very same chorus and sent it to my friends. Only mine is much shorter:

    You say “potato.” I say “Potato? Why the fuck are you saying potato??? I’m talking about Global warming and its effects on the life-supporting systems upon which all of Earth’s inhabitants depend, and all you can say is “Potato”? WHATTHEFUCKISWRONGWITHYOU????”

    What makes it so ironic is that my friends know I would NEVER talk about global warming!

    *ahem*

    I only wish I could go back and send them your version instead. (Especially the part about dying of intestinal distress.)

  34. Actually, the only time I’ve hea–… witnessed the word “indefatigable” being used was in a movie.
    It was during a chorus scene with medieval knights. Of the round table. Rhyming the word with “Clark Gable.”

    I never knew what it meant until now though!

  35. How apropos. Just finished watching latest ep. of Raising Hope.
    Your post reminds me of favorite line from that series: “Stop Procrasterbating”.

    (Plus, I got to use “apropos” in a blog comment. How apropos. Hey, I used it again! How…)

    Sesquipedalians Amalgamate!

  36. Ok, the tattoo on your face needs to look exactly like the artwork in your last post. I’m sure that will not hurt one iota. Also, why does Fred Armisen keep breaking up with people?

    I’ve decided people can feel up my boobs, but that’s it. I’m 12 again.

  37. I would recommend a phenomenal sleep doc to you, but I get way too much enjoyment out of your insomniac posts. Does this make me a bad person?

  38. You are like amazing sparkly happy pills. I start out bored and bleh at work – then I read your posts – and BOOM! Magically everything is right with the world and I’m giggling indefatigably in the lobby. Did…did I use that word right? O_o

  39. I like this story. Or whatever you’re calling it. Like Ashley ^ I will also have this song stuck in my head until I fall asleep. You did that on purpose did you…? I figured as much…

  40. Damn it Jenny. I think I’m becoming addicted to you blog! You’re way cooler than the Dooce, and I thought she was God before… but she’s kind of boring now, honestly. But you make me laugh every day. And I’m not trying to suck up, cause there is really no point in that for me, I’m just being honest. So keep up the good work! 🙂

  41. I say could. Auto correct says cookery.
    I say flash video. Steve Jobs says fuck no.
    I bludgeon my iphone into obscurity.
    I realize I have no way to call to order another phone.
    Alanis Morrisette says ironic.

  42. thanks for making me laugh, I have coffee ice cream with grandmarnier syrup and scorched almonds with more grandmarnier and a shot of coffee over it. No wonder I can’t sleep

  43. What is up with all the words you only see in books but never say out loud? Wasn’t the language originally invented to be spoken, and then it was written? I guess back when only about five men could write, they made up a bunch of shit just to make what they were doing all the more spooky and indecipherable.

    Anyway, intestinal distress sucks. A friend of mine just wrote me a text to tell me that polyester gives him gas. Must be nice. Everything gives me gas.

  44. We aren’t allowed to drink at work but that doesn’t stop us from telling new staff “You don’t have to be an alcoholic to start working here because you soon will be”

  45. Chambord snowcones might be my newest dessert of choice.

    Even better: When winter comes, I can offer them to parents during sugar-on-snow events.

    Who am I kidding? I’m gonna give them to the bratty kids too get them to stfu…

  46. that snow cone sounds so yummy! must try that sometime. are you sure this wasn’t part of a drunken fight with victor?

    and LOL @ taste the fucking rainbow! sometimes, the comments here just leave me rolling!

  47. Oh, yes, what a wonderful thing to wake up to! Also, now I know what to do when I can’t sleep. Come here and see if you can’t sleep. And laugh.

  48. I say, “you’re destroyed my tight-ass reputation at work becuase I’m sitting here laughing like a crazy woman,” and you say, “Too fucking bad. Sucks to be you!” Did I get the response right?

    ps: I want to stab people who say “orientate.”

  49. I always pronounce ‘indefatigable’ in a comedy Monty Python voice – like how they sing it in this:

    “In…dee…fat…eee…gable.” 🙂

  50. You say drunk. I say brilliant.
    (That’s where most of the brilliant shit comes from!)

    And I agree with Brandon…You should be hosting presidential debates. With snowcones.

  51. I always feel like I should be wearig an evening gown when I’m drinking Chambord. It’s so fancy.
    Btw…You are a total unicorn biotch!

    P.S. I’ve been watching WAY too much Glee latley.

    P.P.S. Do they even say “biotch” in Texas or is that just a Philly thing?

  52. Girl, I totally wish I could be this funny when I can’t sleep!! If I’m suffering from insomnia, I usually do something boring like knit or thing about what I’m going to write for NaNoWriMo in November. 🙂

  53. You say potato I say spud. That’s about all I know about that song.
    Who the hell says Po-tah-toe? PRETENTIOUS people
    The same people who name their kids Tuscany and Aspidistra
    The same people who pronounce their daughters name as Sahh-rah when it’s SARAH.

    I’d like to say more but I have limoncello and your chambord snowcone sounds delish!

  54. You say warter, I say water.
    You say warsh, I say it’s W-A-S-H do you see an ‘R’ in there my dear mil ?????
    I seriously want to shake her (for the last 30 years) when she does that…….ok fine, not just for that.

    Jenny is only a part of the reason I read this blog, the responders make me laugh just as much or more than Jenny does!! You guys are awesome! Thanks for starting my day out laughing!

  55. If this is not funny that I must of had too much to drink too, becuase I am about to giggle to death over here….and everyone is looking at me like I am a nut case.

    Thank you for another great start to my day….and they said Folgers was the best part of wakeing up.

  56. This may just be coincidence, but I just totally re-wrote the childrens’ book “The Giving Tree” from the tree’s perspective. It has the word ‘whore’ in it and I wasn’t even drunk.

    In a different life, Bloggess, we would rule this kingdom together.

  57. I really enjoyed this, but I’m afraid it doesn’t quite fit with the metre of the song. But kudos anyway.

    And yeah, I’ve never really heard anyone say indefatigable.. only read it.

    (about the last verse.. he’s talking about the tomatoes, isn’t he?)

  58. Oooh…this would be totally awesome, and make like elebenty-bazillion bucks for you, but ONLY if you can get Yoko Ono to record it.

    Trust me. I know what I’m talking about.

  59. Every time someone says, “Can I ax you a question?”, I want to rip off my ears. Say ‘ass’ and put a fucking ‘k’ on the end of it – is that so hard? Now I need a drink.

  60. I try and pretend I’m one of those ‘other people’…you know…the ones that see a monkey and go “Oh look a monkey”

    …yeeessss, I know not everyone notices monkeys, I’m well aware that not EVERYONE notices monkeys (*sulky under the breath voice* even though I’m sure most people do notice monkeys) , I’m not saying that everyone noti…you know that’s NOT the point of this message…way to get me off track…what with all your “Everyone? Really? Everyone IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?” issues…

    …anyway, yes, there are some that see a monkey and think monkey…and I try to be like them, I do…but when I see a monkey; I immediately name him Bob (there are a lot of monkeys called Bob in the world right now, I think this makes it easier on everyone…again not EVERYONE…jeeeez) and I wonder if he would be fun to teach Chess…I think Bob could grasp it… …if I could grasp it, I mean I’d have to learn Chess first…but I could totally do that and then teach Bob, so there doubting ‘other people’, Bob could totally learn Chess!

    I thought I was alone you see, alone with the randomness…I thought I HAD to change… …so I thank you Mrs Bloggess, I thank you and the Bobs of this world, who have a name, thank you (I’m not sure about the Bob’s of other worlds…I’ve not met any…but the ones of this world definitely do!) …you make me feel that little bit less weird whenever I read your posts! 😀

    P.S This was suppose to be funnier…but it kinda turned into a heartfelt…”You make me feel like I belong” speech…so…um…sorry about that!

    You rule!

  61. I, too, have stabbed someone for saying “flustrated.”

    It felt good and the jail time was well worth it. I also stabbed someone for saying “supposably” instead of supposedly. So, please choose your words carefully if I’m within earshot.

    In any case, if you were still wondering, that post was hilarious despite excessive alcohol. It appears, you simply cannot not be funny.

  62. I really didn’t understand the concept of feeling stabby until I started peri-menopause. I understand now. And I understand sitting up and writing a song like this too. Next time I am up in the middle of the night, hot, and uncomfortable, I am going to write a song. Maybe it will help because nothing else is right now.

  63. I want to stab people when they begin a sentence with, “At the end of the day…”

    Every. Fucking. Time. Can we move on now???

  64. And I mean can we move on from at the end of the day…not from your blog. I love your blog and want to marry it. Except I’m already married. I might have to become a polygamist. Oh well. If that’s the price I have to pay…

  65. i like that your office is ‘epileptic’. sounds spectacular for someone with the attention span of a gnat. it sounds like there is shit everywhere and there is no discernible rhyme or reason to where anything is, but you know EXACTLY how and where to find everything.

    if that makes sense. my office is mostly full of boxes that i’m too lazy to unpack from moving. four and a half months ago.

  66. You say “drunk insomniac.” I say “tortured artist.”

    You say “My name is Linda-r.” I say “You must be from Boston.”

    You say “Ironically we were both there at the same time.” I say “Coincidentally has more syllables than ironically, so if you’re trying to sound smart, just go with coincidentally.”

  67. 1) Dying here.
    2) Poisoned? Crap. I got food poisining last night. I’d rather think my date slipped me a roofie though. A much better story.
    3) This is why I keep a shank handy at all times.

  68. Speaking of tomato, tomahto, my mother just gave me a tomato knife with the word tomato cut out of it. I held it up and was all “Why does this knife say OTAMOT??” Nobody spoke for at least 10 seconds.

  69. You use the word “conversate” as an actual word. I want to stab you in the temple with the nearest pointy object and wonder once again why I married you.

    (True story.)

  70. One of the guys I work with says “have a good strong-end!” instead of weekend. Every fucking Friday. I pretty sure I’m developing an eye twitch because of this.

  71. I am so glad I am stalking following you on Twitter now because I totally got the” epileptic” part. I got all of it, but you know what I mean… Or not. Either way, your post cracked me up. I heart you. Speaking of chambord snowcones, a couple of years ago I found one of those Snoopy snow cone makers like I had when I was a kid back in the 80’s at a craft store and was all “Sweet! Now I can have amaretto sour slushier any time I want! In my own home!” That was $15 well spent.

  72. Yes, this shit is funny. I wish I could have read it in public so people could cast furtive glances in my direction and silently wonder what the hell I’m reading.

  73. Alcoholic snow cones just make me want to pop open a beer. Because it is easier. And it is 9:30 a.m.

    And reading the word flustrated over and over gives me the urge to place an order for sporks. Just saying.

  74. I was typing on my phone. Ugh, I hate it when my Droid makes me look like an imbecile. What the heck? They are supposed to be all smart and crap, but the stupid auto-spell-use quotation marks-correctly code was obviously written by a jackass. A jackass who is probably laughing maniacally right now as he thinks about how he screwed millions of people who paid damn good money for a phone that was supposed to make life more convenient but instead made them constantly second-guess their spelling and grammar even when they hold a freaking college degree and have always been good at spelling. He is probably ugly and has a small penis. While we are out living our lives (and tweeting about it and unknowingly using horrible grammar in the process) , he just sits in his little cubicle dreaming of ways to punish us for his lack of social skills. Some people need to get a life.

  75. Thanks a whole freakin’ lot! NOT! I’m surrounded by people who are stab and shoe-throw-out worthy and now I’m MEBBE or PROLLY going to fixate on all the extremely irritating things they say. It’s going to be one hell of a day, at the end of the day, and whatnot and that there. and having said that … I got a good ideal, kill me now!!!!!!

  76. I say any word with more than two syllables, you say “Is that a word?”

    (This is what happens when you marry beneath yourself. True story.)

  77. The amount of bloggers that try to sound smarter than they’re actually capable of being by using such large words is aggravating as hell. Seems the tech/sci-fi/comic book bloggers are the worst about it though. Stop being pretentious, or as we say here in South Carolina, UPPITY, and write so everyone can understand it.

    Ain’t no reason to get all high ‘n mighty just ‘cuz you own a thesaurus.

  78. I can only hope that I inspired this post with my “You say tomato, I say ‘I’m not going to lie that was random” tweet.

    When I noticed you following me I just about peed myself with joy.

    Intestinal Distress is a pretty great way to go, all things said and done.

    At least in comparison with Monkey Stranglation.

  79. Please tell me I’m not the only one who wondered what Ferris Mewler would do (and by “do” I mean would he eat them?) if Jenny’s intestines explosed across the room. I might need an intervention.

  80. Hey, Dana. You need to consider an upgrade to the gallon-size daiquiri. Then it’s family-sized. What kid’s gonna turn down anything called ‘Starburst?” Plus you can fit a much bigger straw in that opening. Or a garden hose! (Just don’t puncture Louisiana’s foolproof tape-over-the-strawhole ’til you get home. It’s the law!)

  81. You’re right there on u iPad next to email and Citi bank and settings and I start every day with you because I play like you’re my friend and you’re talking just to me….is that a little scary? I love your voice here and on Twitter epileptic office. And why does everyone say ve-HEE-ment?

  82. Whoa. My comment is awaiting moderation?!? When did this development occur??? I am wondering at how bad a comment must have been to have not been allowed on The Bloggess. Was somebody stalking you? I can totally cut their eyes out for you, Jen. Well, not really. I’m kind of wimpy. I don’t even really talk a big game in Real Life. I’m just more of a “let’s get along” kind of person. So, I’m probably not going to be your champion, after all.

  83. I forgot to add that I absolutely LOVE this post. I laughed so hard by the end that the bed was shaking, forcing the cat to retreat to a quieter resting spot. I also read it aloud to my husband, warning him he should expect some occasional ribbing (yeah, I didn’t use the word ‘ribbing’ – my word was more coloUrful and followed by ‘with’) from me on my new blog. Please come visit http://www.olddognewtits.com. Everyone’s invited to the party but I will ask that you bring a covered dish and not touch his “precious stash” of Cheez-its hidden behind the cereals in the pantry. It’s what makes our marriage work.

  84. You say “epileptic”, I say “eckaplectic”.
    You say “scoliosis”, I say “the spina bifida”.
    You say “WTF, I thought you had a college degree.”
    I say “Mocking hillbilly acquaintances trumps edumacation.”
    Let’s have another drink!

  85. I married a Brit, so we have these types of discussions ALL the time. I take a bath, he takes a baaath. Bugger!By the way, he hates towels, too. For that reason, my battle cry has become KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER!

  86. I use that 1st phrase a lot considering I have so many American friends that pester my Canadian fabulousness.
    I write it like this: “You say to-ma-to. I say tom-at-o.”

  87. The ending of this post reminded me that thanks to DC’s usually rainy September, we’ve had a bumper crop of mushrooms, and yes, people are getting rushed to the ER because they are EATING THINGS THEY PULLED UP OUT OF THEIR LAWNS. Seriously, people.

  88. you’ve got insomnia, but this is crazy. hahaha, you should get high often to post stuff touch. the best one was ‘i am going to stab you now’. hahaha, hilarious.

  89. My ex and I were incompatible like that. I’d say “tomato”, and he’d say “SHUT UP, BITCH!” It was magical. . .

  90. My mom says Warsh. We “red up” the house. Or pick it up. And they aren’t radishes. They are RED ishes. I love when I hear people say warsh. They tend to be from somewhere around Pittsburgh. Oh, and hubby says gararge.

    I may have to try some of the UV white cake vodka tonite. I think I can grind up ice in the Kitchenaid.,

  91. I (and everyone else) say AM-BU-LANCE. Stabbing is a definate concern when I hear AM-BLEE-ANCE. WTH? Watch it, buddy or you’re going to need that flippin ambliance. Dumbass! This is my third comment on this one blog post. I think you’ve touched a nerve!

  92. I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this: I say Sim-i-lar you say Sim-u-lar. Ugh, drives me batty irregardless :).

  93. Hahahaha!!!
    And to think when I have insomnia I just shuffle around the house in anxious state and watch E!. You’re such an overachiever. Very impressive!

  94. so this is the version my sister felicity and i sang. she is in england and i am in vermont so this is all about the pronunciation which is lost on paper.

    you say urinal (your in all)
    i say urinal (your eye nal)

    you say vaginal (vaj in all)
    i say vaginal (vaj eye nal)

    lets call the whole thing off

    enjoy. best sung at top voice after many gin and tonics.

  95. I say “Motorcycle”
    Mother in law says “Motorsackel”….motor-sackel!
    Really? So, it’s “bi-sackel” and “tri-sackel?” Have I been saying them wrong all this time?
    Stab me now.
    She is the one who also says “warsh” but she is from rural upstate NY not Pittsburg (you can take the girl from the farm but not the farm from the old lady!). Well, I am too but I pronounce things correctly! My daughter and I leave her house shaking our heads and saying omg “did you hear her?” every. single. time. I have not yet thrown a shoe her way but that sounds mighty satisfying. (Though I have viciously smacked the table with the palm of my hand when she was being all judgmental about a family member and she jumped a foot. It was awesome. I still smile over that one.)

    I seriously have issues with mispronunciations and have to refrain from making enemies and stabbing people on a daily basis. Thanks for bringing up a touchy subject so I can brood over it.

    Note to self: avoid stabbing mil.

  96. This is great. Hiding the $100.00 in a shoe is something my husband would do. I would be the one to throw it away in a fit of mania.

  97. I tried to teach my husband the Quarter Master song. I got to “Beans wearing blue jeans” and he lost it. Now I just hum under my breath. Old songs are so much better than the ones now!?

  98. Oh Jenny. My heart swells with love for you. Kind of like the Grinch. Except I’m not green. Which is good, because I think that’s a symptom of Ebola.

    I totally got that whole “tomato”/”tomato” thing.

    Here’s one more line for you, based on actual happenings with my ex-Mother in law (except in this case I’m actually the YOU, and she’s the I).

    You say “headache”, I say “I WebMD’d that and you either have cancer, hypertension, or you’re having a stroke. It’s probably a combination of all three. What are you having for dinner?”

    🙂

  99. I have a friend who tried to correct my CORRECT use of the word “amphitheater” with his incorrect version: “amplitheater”. What the what the?

    I couldn’t convince him I was right.

  100. I *SO* want a Chambord snocone!

    Other stabbage-inducing words… “nucular” “irregardless” “death” (for Deaf) and “it’s YOUR turn to cook–I’m tired.”

  101. I was pretty straightfaced until I got to “Are you referring to this indefatigable conflagration?”

    And then I snorted and kit-kat bar went everywhere. Cheers!

  102. This is why you’re a rock star wrapped up in a ninja. When I drink too much, I think of hilarious blog posts I could write and by the time I sober up I’ve either forgotten them or realized that they were about cancerous puppies and not all that funny.

  103. Whilst we’re on the subject of mispronunciation and grammar, I recently deleted at least 5 Facebook ‘friends’ for their horrific use of the word ‘your’ instead of ‘you’re’ and ‘of’ instead of ‘have’.

    I just don’t have enough time in my life for these people, Jenny.

  104. Hi Jenny!

    This lady at work says “fustrated” – no R – so irritating.. and wait for it… even better.. this morning she said “comatoast” instead of comatose – As in “I’m so tired, I feel comatoast.” OMG.

  105. I feel like you might be trying out some new medication.
    If so, you should probably take this post to your doctor…so he can give you more!

  106. Oh, and it’s pronounced “in-deh-FAT-ig-ubl.” I heard Richard Burton say it once, so I know I’m right.

  107. I vote “funny”, even though I’m totally sober…. right now. You initiate the most profound discussions.

    One million years ago I had a roommate that was always “flustrated”. Attempting to pick my battles I never responded to it, but it was difficult, since she was “flustrated” nearly every day.

    If anyone tossed an “indefatigable” at me in conversation they would get the blank-stare-blink-blink from me. And ultimately a “huh?”.

  108. @Bodaciousboomer – you’re obviously not from central Texas. We’ve heard the word “conflagration” WAY too much recently.

  109. @Dana Strange: stuck with you (#44) on Daquiris to To in Louisiana. That sounds PERFECT.

    The one that makes the veins stand out in my neck – exasperate when they MEAN exacerbate. It is a total giveaway on a business doc.

  110. Modern idioms are as contagious as they are unimaginative. Virulent strains, such as “irregardless” and “each and every,” make idiots out of otherwise articulate individuals. My husband started saying “whole nother” around me and one day it sneaked into my speech. (Oh, the humanity!) There might have been a resultant stabbing.
    Whatever happened to the colourful language of our grandparents? Let’s bring back gems like:
    “You kids sit still! You’re jumping up and down quicker than a whore’s drawers!” or
    “I’ll be there in two ticks of a flea’s ass.”
    or for random moments when there’s nothing better to say:
    “‘Balls,’ said the queen and the king laughed ’cause he had to.”

  111. I’m sure these are the lyrics to a pretty catchy song. Ohh SAT words I hate and admire thee at the same time. That’s what those are right…. One time my husband cleaned out my mother in law’s hallway closet, and found an entire army of LEFT shoes. Naturally he threw them away. When she arrived she started screaming, “I have the RIGHT ones in my other closet!!!!!!!!!!” And faithfully dug through three trashcans to retrieve the lost shoes. You say shoes, I say mother in law insanity.

  112. You say “warsh” I say “wash”

    I assume you’re a dirty whore because you clearly don’t know how to pronounce the word correctly.

  113. I say nuclear, you say Nucular. Let’s never see each other again. Ha.

    Overheard one day in the car: My 8 year old told my 13 year old that he should deliberately spell color without a U to freak out all the British people (they play Minecraft and this particular “server” they were on was all Brits…)

  114. I say specific, you say pacific.

    That reminds me I heard someone use the word “superficious” tonight as in, “you want to dress good if you go to work there as they can be superficious in these parts”.

  115. Likely, someone has already said this, but the “u” is Canadian. Maybe that’s why it’s silent. Just politely watching while everyone tries to spell colour without it.

    And yes: Funny.

  116. This stuff is too funny. I have a boss who murders the English language on a daily basis. She is always flustrated and can’t make since (sense) out of anything. She also likes to morphosize things and renew her prescription to the the local newspaper. I’m wondering how long it will be after this post that morphosize actually gets into our daily vernacular!

  117. Debra- all I got left is a lecture from my husband on the lack of respect I show him (reformed smoker) when I continue to smoke in the bedroom. Blah, Blah-Blah, Blah, Blah

  118. I have a coworker who just can’t “phantom” why things are the way they are. Nobody has the heart to tell her she means “fathom”.

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