Yesterday Victor was trying to think up names for a new business. Something like “Systems-Integrity-Formula-Buzzword-Blah-Blah.” I don’t really know because I got bored and stopped listening. Instead I decided to help him out by coming up with some much more exciting names for his dangerously boring sounding new business.
me: How about…Dragonfire!
Victor: No.
me: The Dark Forces of Narnia.
Victor: That’s not even a real thing.
Victor: What?
me: Because it’s for people who are successful and who like unicorns. OR for successful unicorns. I’ve just doubled your market.
Victor: No.
me: Are you shitting me? Because if you aren’t going to use “Unicorn Success Club” I am.
Victor: For what?
me: FOR UNICORN SUCCESS CLUB, that’s what. It’s for everyone in the world who’s confident enough to be in something called “Unicorn Success Club.” It meets the first week of Awesome. Our team mascot is a cougar.
Victor: Huh. You’d think it would be a unicorn.
me: Nope. Too obvious. It’s a cougar RIDING A UNICORN. But not by force. They’re friends and they work together for justice. Imagine getting attacked by a cougar…
Victor: I feel like I’m already there.
Me: Then? Imagine that it’s a cougar riding a unicorn of justice.
Victor: Right. You should make it breathe fire and shit diamonds.
me: Don’t be ridiculous. Fire-breathing cougars don’t exist. Plus, they’d singe the unicorns. That is a terrible idea. You are out of Unicorn Success Club.
Victor: I was never in Unicorn Success Club.
me: Everyone is in Unicorn Success Club…until they get thrown out. These are the rules of Unicorn Success Club.
Victor: So I got kicked out for having a bad idea? That’s pretty harsh.
me: No, you’re just suspended for two weeks for endangering the unicorns. If anything I’m being too lenient. But you can get back in early by doing something ridiculously awesome. Like rescuing lemurs, or describing Pink Floyd laser shows to the blind. Or similar. Whatever. We’re pretty flexible in Unicorn Success Club.
Victor: You know what? I’ll just wait my two weeks. Or forever. I’m leaning toward forever.
me: And that results in three week suspension. Waiting rather than doing something awesome just adds to your time.
Victor: Fine. I’ll make up my own club. It’ll be NINJA-RAMA 3000. Our mascot is a stallion with a bear’s head. Like a centaur, but with a bear. Filled with righteous fury.
me: That’s actually pretty bad-ass. Bonus points for creativity. You are back in Unicorn Success Club, and you just became a candidate for Double Unicorn Success Club.
Victor: I already regret asking this, but…
me: It’s a unicorn with two horns. A double unicorn. Twice as awesome. Looks like a big, deformed goat. Made of awesome. Still being ridden by a cougar. AN INVISIBLE COUGAR. Because they’re the most dangerous.
Victor: Just…please stop talking.
And then I stopped talking because apparently Victor wanted a moment of silence to ponder how mind-blowing it would be to see an invisible cougar riding a double unicorn. (Hint: It’s imponderable.)
And that’s when I realized that I might need to increase my medication, but also that my husband and I were destined to be together forever because there really isn’t anyone else weird enough help run Double Unicorn Success Club with me. And that’s one hell of a good realization.
And also a very, very weird one.
PS. As a result of actually finishing this post you are all now official members of Unicorn Success Club. Here is your t-shirt and your certificate of membership.
Dues are due the first of every whenever, payable to whatever charity or bar you prefer. Also, as members you can add anything you want to the charter or rule book. Please do so in the comment section.