Unicorn Success Club

Yesterday Victor was trying to think up names for a new business.  Something like “Systems-Integrity-Formula-Buzzword-Blah-Blah.”  I don’t really know because I got bored and stopped listening.  Instead I decided to help him out by coming up with some much more exciting names for his dangerously boring sounding new business.

me: How about…Dragonfire!

Victor: No.

me: The Dark Forces of Narnia.

Victor: That’s not even a real thing.


Victor:  What?

me: Because it’s for people who are successful and who like unicorns.  OR for successful unicorns.  I’ve just doubled your market.

Victor: No.

me: Are you shitting me?  Because if you aren’t going to use “Unicorn Success Club” I am.

Victor: For what?

me: FOR UNICORN SUCCESS CLUB, that’s what.  It’s for everyone in the world who’s confident enough to be in something called “Unicorn Success Club.”  It meets the first week of Awesome.  Our team mascot is a cougar.

Victor: Huh.  You’d think it would be a unicorn.

me: Nope.  Too obvious.  It’s a cougar RIDING A UNICORN.  But not by force.  They’re friends and they work together for justice.  Imagine getting attacked by a cougar…

Victor:  I feel like I’m already there.

Me:  Then?  Imagine that it’s a cougar riding a unicorn of justice.

Victor: Right.  You should make it breathe fire and shit diamonds.

me: Don’t be ridiculous.  Fire-breathing cougars don’t exist.  Plus, they’d singe the unicorns.  That is a terrible idea.  You are out of Unicorn Success Club.

Victor: I was never in Unicorn Success Club.

me: Everyone is in Unicorn Success Club…until they get thrown out.  These are the rules of Unicorn Success Club.

Victor: So I got kicked out for having a bad idea?  That’s pretty harsh.

me: No, you’re just suspended for two weeks for endangering the unicorns.  If anything I’m being too lenient.  But you can get back in early by doing something ridiculously awesome.  Like rescuing lemurs, or describing Pink Floyd laser shows to the blind.  Or similar.  Whatever.  We’re pretty flexible in Unicorn Success Club.

Victor: You know what?  I’ll just wait my two weeks.  Or forever.  I’m leaning toward forever.

me: And that results in three week suspension.  Waiting rather than doing something awesome just adds to your time.

Victor: Fine.  I’ll make up my own club.  It’ll be NINJA-RAMA 3000.  Our mascot is a stallion with a bear’s head.  Like a centaur, but with a bear.  Filled with righteous fury.

me: That’s actually pretty bad-ass.  Bonus points for creativity.  You are back in Unicorn Success Club, and you just became a candidate for  Double Unicorn Success Club.

Victor: I already regret asking this, but…

me: It’s a unicorn with two horns.  A double unicorn.  Twice as awesome.  Looks like a big, deformed goat.  Made of awesome.  Still being ridden by a cougar. AN INVISIBLE COUGAR.  Because they’re the most dangerous.

Victor: Just…please stop talking.

And then I stopped talking because apparently Victor wanted a moment of silence to ponder how mind-blowing it would be to see an invisible cougar riding a double unicorn.  (Hint: It’s imponderable.)

And that’s when I realized that I might need to increase my medication, but also that my husband and I were destined to be together forever because there really isn’t anyone else weird enough help run Double Unicorn Success Club with me.  And that’s one hell of a good realization.

And also a very, very weird one.

PS.  As a result of actually finishing this post you are all now official members of Unicorn Success Club.     Here is your t-shirt and your certificate of membership.

Dues are due the first of every whenever, payable to whatever charity or bar you prefer.  Also, as members you can add anything you want to the charter or rule book.  Please do so in the comment section.


655 thoughts on “Unicorn Success Club

Read comments below or add one.

  1. First rule of Unicorn Success Club: DO talk about Unicorn Success Club.

  2. I will totally join the Unicorn Success Club as long as they are not racist against Dragons or support any anti-Dragon legislation.

  3. I totally want this shirt, and I also think there should be membership cards. NO, WAIT. Membership STICKERS. That way when you see someone displaying awesomeness, you can induct them immediately by giving them a sticker.

  4. I am adding “member of the Unicorn Sucess Club” to my resume. Right now.

    Rule: all members can create holidays at will. Like Valentinesdaysgiving.

  5. Rule: Everyone must talk about Unicorn Success Club. All the time, Ad nauseum even. Especially at church socials when you got cornered by that really annoying preachy person and you can’t get to the donuts.

  6. Point of inquiry… is membership to Double/Singular(ly Exceptional) Unicorn Success Club and the Ninja-Rama 3000 mutually exclusive? I rather like Victor’s mascot as well.

  7. I am so glad to be a member of the Unicorn Success Club! I have always wanted to be in a club that only allowed the peak of amazing splendorment in human form to attend and participate. It has been so lonely in my little world of perfect rainbow eating ponies and butterfly pooping unicorns.

    I feel so warm now. Like fuzzy bunny slippers on my heart.

  8. I would hide in a bathroom with you any day.

    Also the handshake needs to include horn rubbing.

  9. Second rule of Unicorn Success Club should be we do not talk about Unicorn Success Club, except with people who are part of Unicorn Success Club, which is everyone.

  10. Macarena? Nah, I’m leaving heavily toward the PeeWee Herman dance.

  11. No shaking hands because GERMS, instead let’s wave water bottles (recyclable, of course) of dimes at each other as our not-so-secret greeting.

  12. When you say there’s a cougar riding a unicorn, do you mean the animal or a middle aged Orange County housewife? Either one would be totally amazing.

    Also, I think members should get fifty percent off the new iPad. It just seems like something people in the Unicorn Success Club deserve.

  13. Love it! What about Unicorn Success Fight Club? I love that movie, but would have loved it more with a title like that.

  14. Each new member must complete a hazing. . .err, I mean “initiation” involving a glue stick, ten pounds of glitter, a bandicoot, and the soundtrack to “Annie”.

  15. Anyone who says unicorns don’t exist or are uncool gets a scissorkick to the face.

  16. You addressed the fire-breathing part of Victor’s comment, but you didn’t tell us whether or not the cougars shit diamonds. I hope they do, because then we could sell the diamonds to evil dictators in other countries and use the money to fix the economy.

  17. RULE: Members of the Unicorn Success Club don’t talk about Unicorn Success Club. It goes doubly for the Double Unicorn Success Club.

  18. The first rule isn’t just “DO talk about Unicorn Success Club,” it’s talk about Unicorn Success Club OFTEN. To strangers. And in a very loud voice while making a unicorn horn on your head with your finger.

  19. I was looking for a new kick-ass shirt that I could wear in public without embarrassing anyone. Except my husband. He won’t walk with me if I wear this. He prefers the Ninja-Rama 3000 club. Whatever. He’s a unicorn hater and I should have checked for that before the wedding and 2 kids.

  20. RULE: fighting with said unicorn horns is not allowed once meetings come to order… or else you have to eat my gluten free cookies… which could be a totally good thing because they are awesome… yes, they are.

  21. Provided that Unicorn Success Club isn’t limited to virgin cougars, I’m in.

  22. Unicorn.Success.Club – awesome. Can I also be a member of Ninja-Rama 3000 because that mascot sounds wicked! Please – ask Victor nicely for me…pleeeeeeeease *hugs of righteous fury*

  23. As a member of the Unicorn Success club you must observe every Tuesday as Horn Day, you can either wear a horn or get the horn as long as you pay hommage to the horn.

  24. I vote that one of the rules is that you can opt out of any rule that you don’t feel like participating in.

    I worked at a bar where we had to stand on the bar and do the Macarena. For the entire song. I’ve done ENOUGH of the damn Macarena to last me about a million lifetimes.

  25. All members are required to wear clothing (please note: invisible clothing is acceptable)

  26. Reminds me of a commercial here in CO for a casino and they have a Quadricorn in it. Yes a unicorn with 4 horns its so amazing.

  27. Rule One of Unicorn Success Club: Talk about Unicorn Success Club. Seriously, tell EVERYONE.
    Rule Two of Unicorn Success Club: Double Unicorn! It’s so beautiful! What does it MEAN?

  28. Rule #42 of the Unicorn Success Club:

    No leaving wet things by the door.

    Guys? Please? I know this is a really practical, totally unglamorous rule, but it’s a good one, and one that is there for everybody. Just because we’re all in the Unicorn Success Club, doesn’t mean our mothers are.

    Well, they are, but they don’t work for the Unicorn Success Club.

    Pick up after yourselves, is what I’m trying to say.

  29. All members of the Unicorn Success Club must when meeting in person, bend at the waist and paw at the ground 3 times.

  30. So, today I fell down the stairs after a therapy appointment that went way deeper than either of us expected. No breaks, but lots of bloody, scrapy, lumpy, bruisy goodness. I definitely need that shirt.

  31. I have literally never wanted a shirt so badly in my life. I feel like I always knew I was a part of the Unicorn Success Club. It was always inside of me, waiting to be recognized. And now I feel it coming up and touching me with its warmth…

    ..wait, no. I think that’s heartburn. Still, heartburn of unicornal success.

  32. Every member of Unicorn Success Club gets a Ziggy Stardust wig. Glitter eyeshadow is reserved for Double Unicorn Success Club members. And the leotards? Well, that’s for when you actually BECOME a unicorn. Naturally.

  33. I kind of feel like your weasel should be the official unicorn rider…because that would be fantastic.

  34. There are no planned meetings for the Unicorn Success Club. Meetings must and can happen spontaneously.

  35. Went way past over-budget for whimsy with the purchase of an avocado tree yesterday. !!! Putting this tee on my wishlist.

  36. Next rule of unicorn success club is that all successful unicorns shall be celebrated by random fits of awesome!

  37. I don’t want to be a member of a club that will actually have me.

    I’m founding: Tunaverse Society for the Eradication of Unicorns and Cougars. None of you are invited and Jenny, I just left a fresh steamer for you.

  38. I got a unicorn hat back in December. Told everyone it was because I was in a unicorn club for especially cool and awesome people. No joke. This just proves that even though we’ve never met, we’re super-secret best friends. Or you’re stalking me. One of the two.

  39. I pity the people who lack the basic confidence necessary to boast about membership in the Unicorn Success Club. Pathetic suckers. And maybe no anti-Dragon legislation but perhaps anti-zombie legislation? What say you, USC members?

  40. My favorite quote (notice I did not say “one of”, this is in fact my one and only favorite quote)

    “Invisible Pink Unicorns are beings of great spiritual power. We know this because they are capable of being invisible and pink at the same time. Like all religions, the faith of the Invisible Pink Unicorn is based upon both logic and faith. We have faith that they are pink; we logically know that they are invisible because we can’t see them.”
    Steve Eley

  41. Members of the unicorn success club should travel the world, vowing to trample zombies wherever they may roam. (Lest the zombies actually win!)

  42. I think the first rule of Unicorn Success Club should be to share meds, cuz I need some of that. We can call it Unicorn Glitter or Rainbow Dust and everyone can send pills to others who need a pick-me-up. Sort of like if you crossed the Traveling Red Dress with the underground drug trade, except nobody gets beheaded and I don’t have to cross-dress.

  43. First. ICE CREAM.
    Second. You must talk about it and by talking about it? WIN.

  44. The entire town of New Braunfels, Tx will probably join your club. You could meet at Wurstfest.

  45. See, and I use unicorns when I discuss politics and religion. Unicorns are multi-functional, especially for the dysfunctional. 😉

    Dues are in the mail. I am sending them by Pheonix.

  46. Here’s my idea for a rule: Incredibly Ridiculous Formal Fridays. We dig out all of our awful old bridemaid/prom/whatever formal wear, put it all on and have an all night rave. Except instead of the strobe lights and bad techno music and bad drugs we have wine slushies and 80’s music and then take naps. Because now that I have it all down it sounds exhausting. Super fun, but exhausting.

  47. in unicorn success club, the children do not whine and they do what they are told the FIRST time.

  48. Can Neil Patrick Harris be our celebrity recruiter/guy in the cougar mascot costume? He does have ponycorn riding experience. Screw Scientology..we have ponycorns! And also Neil Patrick Harris!! Quick! Someone write a unicorn filled version of Battlefield Earth!! Ninjas came from space to rule the world..but one cougar and his magical unicorn rose up against them to change everything!

  49. Rule: child care is optional but drinking is required….even if it’s just water or juice or something ….or tea. I like tea…earl grey hot please.

  50. Hate to be a killjoy but they already have a club where everbody gets to make their own rules, it’s called Congress and they’re all a bunch of rats. I think only the double unicorn should be able to make the rules and it’s up to us to interpret them. Oh wait, that’s called religion…nevermind.

  51. I second Craig Norton motion. It just makes sense.

    I also think we should help turtles cross the roads. Because it seems like something a unicorn would do.

  52. There is no depression in the Unicorn Success Club. Everyone gets free Xanax and champagne and gets to hang out in the bathroom with Jenny.

    There are no whiny, nagging bosses either. They totally aren’t allowed in the Unicorn Success Club, because then my husband can ignore work and get some play time.

    Oh, naps are optional but encouraged.

  53. The Unicorn Success Historian always has to act out the minutes of the last meeting with plush hand puppets.

  54. haha. Member’d.

    I hereby call this meeting of the Unicorn Success Club to order. [gavel’d]

    Meeting agenda:
    1. Consider duel mascot with Ladyhawk.
    2. Vote on having an actual masthead instead of a metaphorical one.
    3. Invite Rifftrax to offer commentary during our meeting.
    4. Curl over and clench stomachs since we are laughing too hard from Rifftrax.
    5. Invite Neil Patrick Harris to be duel mascot too.
    6. Collate paper and hold twine for website photo.

  55. As long as Unicorn Success Club meetings aren’t held on the same evenings as my Rainbow Swan Team or Sparkle Fairy Unit gatherings, count me in!

  56. Rule: every member of the Unicorn Success Club must be a whackadoodle. just on the principle of the matter.

  57. A cougar riding a unicorn? This sounds like something that would have been perfect for the worlds greatest and most underrated cartoon ever: Thundarr the Barbarian.

  58. In polyamorous circles, “unicorn” refers to a “hot bi babe” or less often as “hot bi guy” – something couples are often looking for, but seldom find. You’ll see posts about couples “unicorn hunting”. The Unicorn Success Club t-shirt is hysterical, but possibly not in the way you intended.

  59. Tutus would be good. And also voluntary Tiara wearing during meetings. Oh…and I would love one of those oval stickers for my car…you know the ones that make you seem important because you have “been” somewhere…this one would just say USC, of course.

  60. Will there be Indian leg wrestling in this club? If so, I would like to stay in, and for my feat of awesomeness, I will give sponge baths to three of the rummies in the park, as long as they promise to spread the good unicorn word to everyone walking by . Well, maybe I’ll do it closer to spring, when they are out and about more. It’s pretty cold outside for the rummies to hang around right now.

  61. I got up today and tweeted the following:

    “SO much epic to see, and do, and be. Just open your eyes, and decide. #go”

    Total Bloggess synchronicity.

  62. Everything I learned about zombies and unicorns I learned from you, Jenny. I could swear there was a lesson on unicorns the theme of which being that only virgins could see unicorns. This worries me. The cougar is going to look ridiculous just sort of floating through the air. Perhaps all club members should be granted some sort of reconstituted virginity. I may be more cut out for Ninja-Rama 3000

  63. RULE: Any powers acquired during your tenure as a member of the Unicorn Success Club may only be used for AWESOME. Other uses must be approved by the Club president and notarized by the Treasurer.

    Unauthorized use of powers may result in: forfeiture of membership, suspension, penance by way of wearing a large purple cone hat with the letters AP (standing for Abuser of Powers) written in sparkly neon green on it for two weeks, or other punishments to be determined by the President.

  64. Long time reader, first time I’ve commented its the pull of the Unicorn Success Club!!
    Secret handshake a must, and also the right to slap a spatula alongside the head of people who use inverted speech commas or start any sentence with the words ‘with all due respect’

  65. I have to say, your conversation makes way more sense than any of the 6 conference calls I was on today. I think I will bring up Unicorn Success Club on my next call.

  66. By the way, I would like to thank The Bloggess for finally naming a club that my son and I have already had, but been totally unaware of. A name is important for any designation of high placement in societal stature 9and structure). Take that, Facebook!

  67. “describing Pink Floyd laser shows to the blind” omg can I do that to fulfill my community service?!?!?
    Jenny is just plain magical!

  68. My 12-year old informed me that despite their popularity, unicorns are one of the most overrated mythical beings. He recommends the Ammit…she devours the souls of the damned rendering her an awesome ally. Or so he says.

  69. Every member has to quote our mantra every morning when they wake up “I will Successfully Help all Unicorns accomplish great and powerful things today, Double or Uni-unicorns. So say we all!! “

  70. Id like to see a cage match between your club mascots. that would be one hella awesome fight. I might actually purchase cable to see such a thing

  71. Hmmm…if it’s not a rainbow farting unicorn, I’m afraid I have to leave the club. If they ARE rainbow farting unicorns, then I shall be the most gleeful member here.

  72. Bad news, people. Cougars are allergic to unicorn dander.

    I know you’re thinking “we can’t shellack our unicorns!” Well, you’re wrong, you totally CAN but it’s not necessary. Cougars like the taste of Benadryl, which is why you never see the people at zoos feeding cougars with Benadryl in their pockets.

    We just need to make Benadryl available to the cougars. It’s okay, they don’t get loopy. Comparatively.

    I’m only thinking of the unicorns. When a cougar sneezes, he sticks his claws out to hang on and prevent flying backwards. You don’t want gouges in the unicorns.

    Hmmm… if we shellack them anyway…

    No. Let’s stick with Benadryl. Save the shellack for when they need to be shiny. Arbor Day and stuff.

  73. I love that Zazzle offers the bulk rate- it’s like we can each order enough for our own local chapter of USC, or DUSC. That way we can all match at our bakesales and trotathons. Now, do we have a chant or cheer? I’m gonna need some sort of catch phrase to shout- you know, when the ultra-fantasticness occurs.
    Also- where and when are the Pink Floyd laser shows? I have an overwhelming desire to experience this.

  74. Unicorn Success Club (and Double Unicorn Success Club) member cards please!

    What is the process for being promoted into the Double USC?

    I love this idea!!!

  75. I’m picturing an annual run with the unicorns a la Pamplona and the bulls. If anyone can make it happen, I’m sure it’s you!

  76. I am going to start using the unicorn success club as my reward for well-behaved children and advisees. It will be kind of like indoctrinating them into a cult, but with no intention of making them into worker bee/minions or having sex with them. The the Unicorn Success Club will spread like wildfire around the world.

  77. I’d like to see Beyonce dressed in one of the shirts. I feel sad when older members of our group are not remembered or are replaced by newer members, I’m a die-hard sentimentalist. That said, Ferris Mewler and all the others should all be honorary members and given shirts or stickers. Except Will Wheaten who turned out to be a bad ass. “Honey Badger don’t care, Honey Badger don’t give a shit……” Love, Laurie F. p.s. @Brody, now you could be a uniciorn spokesunicorn!

  78. I am so honored – I’ve never been a part of such an elite club before!

    Thanks for posting this – you just made my rotten week much brighter and sparkly!

  79. I second the measures that members must wear pink tutus and carry spatulas and twine at all times. I propose the official drink be alcohol (any kind) and the official food be pie (any kind, including cake, ice cream, or cookies). Our advisory board should include the Doctor, Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall, Neil Gaiman, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Wil Wheaton, and Betty White.

  80. I can’t believe I am actually having to point this out to YOU, Bloggess, because I thought you knew everything I do times a bajillion, but the Harry Potter books refer to BICORNS. So, it really shouldn’t be “Double Unicorn Success Club”; it should be “Bicorn Success Club.”
    Pleeeeeease don’t kick me out of the Bicorn Success Club for pointing out this teensy inconsistency.

  81. We need an annual meeting, which should be held in the magic forest, obviously. Conference activities include laser light shows, unicorn fashion shows, and seminars on horn maintenance and leaving glitter everywhere you go. Attendance fee: a taxidermied (may have just made up that word) animal in comical human clothing.

  82. OMG I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING READING THIS!!! Totally something I would say to one of my friends.

  83. 57. If we catch you without a booze slushie in hand, you get a one-week suspension. This penalty may be overturned by the immediate acquisition and consumption of said booze slushie. Unless you’re a recovering alcoholic, in which case we’ll be over there talking to someone else and also we’re very sorry.

    129. Taxidermy is to be officially considered a fine art and a cultural staple. Scholarships may be awarded to budding taxidermists.

    343. Our nation has only a shaky alliance with the feline nation. Remain vigilant to aerial cat attacks. Carry a protection horn at all times for this express purpose.

    380. Double Unicorn Success Club members may covertly acknowledge each other in public by raising one hand above their forehead (horn-like) and screaming out a loud NEIGH. Do unicorns neigh? Well, they do now.

  84. So totally putting this on my LinkenIn profile under “why I’m all with the super awesome.” When & where will the annual club convention be held?

  85. Clearly whenever we get together we have to eat french fries and chocolate. Chocolate is what helps the unicorns shit rainbows.

  86. The official garb shall be a choice of the following:
    A Unicorn horn headband (not a real one, of course. We love the unicorns)
    A Double Unicorn horn headband (again, replica horns)
    A cat perch helmet

    Official greeting to fellow members shall be the mighty roar of the invisible cougar. RAR!

  87. Can we have a Eunuch Horn Success Club? And one of the rules of the Unicorn Success Club will be that we all must listen to the beautifully melancholic song of the Eunuch Horns.

  88. Tutus. I wanna wear tutus to meetings.

    “It’s a Double Unicorn! All the way across the sky!!! What does it mean? WHAT DOES IT MEEEAAAN?!?”

    Glitter is a must. At all times.

    Maybe you could team up with the ladies who put on Sparklecorn at BlogHer next time? Betcha they have LOTS o’ unicorns.

  89. I’m totally with the sticker idea but a BUMBER sticker so EVERYONE can see who you stand with because you either stand with us or stand against us and when we pass each other on the highway we can pull along side of each other’s (most likely mini-vans cause everyone knows they are the coolest cars, just ask Chili Palmer from Get Shorty) and then we would look each other deep in the eyes and give a silent nod because we would just KNOW….

    next rule: there are no rules (except the bumper sticker rule…that one we need.

  90. After having a sucky day where I had to hold my 20 year old severely autistic son down so we could get 3 vials of blood it was PERFECT timing to know I was part of such awesomeness. I am getting tshirts. And I WILL be wearing it at Disneyworld when we go in 2 weeks!!!

  91. I think that that their official short name should be USuC (say it out loud).

  92. One of the casinos around here advertises with a quadricorn. It’s just creepy.

  93. This is reminiscent of Sweet Valley High and the exclusive Unicorns club. I suggest that all members be elected through a highly inefficient caucus, the results of which bear no real resemblance to the opinions of the rest of the club.

  94. All members must learn the difference between regular cougars and the Unicorn Success Club cougars.

    Like if a cougar kills you, it’s probably not part of the club.

  95. On the fifth Tuesday of every whenever, we must wear our hair in side ponytails… with day-glo scrunchies.

  96. Rule: Donuts are the official meeting food, they stack so nicely on the horn. And vodka/ sparkling water with one – no more, no less- jelly bean in the glass is the official drink. Just because it’s pretty.

  97. No pooping allowed on the 33rd minute of every hour because that is my favorite number.

  98. Every member must have some sort of craziness. Like an anxiety issue (I’m totally in!) or picks their nose. Ooh, even having your second toe longer than the first. I’m totally in the Double Unicorn Success Club. Possibly Triple if it didn’t blow my mind.

  99. I so want to join the Unicorn Success club..but I also feel Victor needs members so can I split my membership and also be a member of Ninja-Rama 3000? Because then I would get to have a cougar riding an Unicorn may-hap shaking hands with the stallion bear head!

  100. The Unicorn Success Club is that secret identity of the Ninja-Rama 3000. Or vice-versa. And twice as much for the Double Unicorn Success Club. And thrice as much for the super-secret, never-to-be-announced-or-even-discussed TRIPLE Unicorn Success Club!


  101. Seriously, the people who comment here are awesomely hysterically funny.

  102. ”Jeff March 7, 2012 at 4:10 pm
    Anyone who says unicorns don’t exist or are uncool gets a scissorkick to the face.”

    This deserves to be posted twice.

  103. Pink foo foo drinks will be consumed by all Unicorn Success Club members. If not, then the secret police (Double Unicorn Success Club…or Douche for short) will kick your ass…ninja style.

  104. Maybe I missed it, but do we have an official drink yet? Any not-secret-club has to have an official drink. It’s Awesome Rule #37(b)(ii)(1/2).

  105. Instead of the traveling pants, we have the red dresses – and tiaras! UNICORN tiaras, with tiny cougars on top.

  106. I love your blog. I am just getting started with my own, and would love some advice. I am sure you hear this everyday, so I promise not to hold it against you when I never hear anything back. Thanks for all of the laughs and being an inspiration for this fellow smartass.
    -Heidi Bryan

  107. I am TOTALLY changing the name of my basketball team to Unicorn Success Club. Because we are made of awesome.

  108. Now, when you say cougar, you DO mean the animal kind, right? I have a mental image of Demi Moore or, I don’t know, Morgan Fairchild riding that fantastic one (or two) horned horse.

  109. I want to be secretary for the Unicorn Success Club! I will take the minutes on meetings, which I ASSUME will have wine slushies for all! Oh, and the appropriate gift for someone who is a member of the Unicorn Success Club on their birthday should be a whimsically dressed taxidermied animal.

  110. Thank you, Jenny. I truly needed to laugh until I cried today. When MY “Victor” asked why I was crying, I told him that I was reading another hysterical blog entry …. by the woman who bought the Original Beyonce. He rolled his eyes and said, “When are you going to get those damn chickens off our front porch?”

    I am very tempted to point my USC unicorn horn in his direction and run at him….but that wouldn’t be very nice. However, he better sleep with one eye open because my Double Unicorn Success Club invisible cougar will be watching him until he falls asleep tonight. Check the obituaries tomorrow……

  111. We meet at a girly wine bar. But only during Happy Hour when sparkling wine and select sparking cocktails are 1/2 off. And I buy sparkling water for all. Including our designated drivers. And we order fried break and butter pickles and french fries topped with Parmigiano-Reggiano (Actually these are my book club rules. But they seem to work pretty well. So why not adopt them here?)

  112. I am pretty sure I need to customize this shirt with my name on the back so EVERYONE can know that I am not only part of such a prestigious group but they can know, memorize and REMEMBER MY NAME FOR ALL TIMES.

    I think membership to such a club should have the perk of being able to order off the breakfast menu at ANY TIME OF THE DAY. REGARDLESS OF THE RESTAURANT’S POLICY. PANCAKES FOR EVERYONE!!

  113. Since my high school mascot is a Unicorn (I kid not… one does not kid about the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics – well one does but I digress) and I graduated a ton of years ago, I pretty much was already a member of the Unicorn Success Club.
    Also, our logo was a burning diaper.
    And THAT’s how you breed success!

  114. Victor’s club needs a t-shirt, too! I can wear the Unicorn Success Club shirt and my husband with wear the Ninja-Rama 3000 shirt… because my husband will divorce me if I make him wear a unicorn shirt… just sayin

    P.S. Just sent my husband a text… “3 words- Unicorn Success Club”. He texted me back “Bloggess?”

    P.P.S. My husband loves you… says if Victor ever divorces you… he is going to marry you!

  115. Brilliant. Also motivating, since I am now obsessed with the idea of successfully pondering the imponderable. My determination is imponderabler.

  116. How is it that you know how to make people feel better!? Did you know I was down in the dumps? I am TOTALLY joining your club *if I can* and you should make an ipad skin with that on it. I would buy one in a Unicorn Minute *the best minutes because they are FULL OF MAGIC!*

  117. Rule of Unicorn Success Club: whatever you do or give, do or give it cheerfully. And from the heart. Also? I must have a shirt. I am considering it an early birthday present of awesomeness to myself.

  118. I think if your thrown out you have to find a dude dresed up as a unicorn and put him in unicorn ail for pretending to be awsome.

  119. Red dresses at official mettings, or whenever we want to wear full red ball gowns, dresses, scarves, or red patches on our jeans…. Better yet, biker jackets. With this we will know we are amongst our own.

  120. The logo for Unicorn Success Club could be a stalk of corn with a giant spike sticking out of it. (Yes, I am using my ivagination.)

  121. Nater-Tater is summarily kicked out of Unicorn Success Club for 3 weeks for not holding twine.

    Can we have our first meeting in Vegas with cocktails, red dresses and Unicornhorn Dooley bopper headbands? I’d like mine to be purple with glitter on please.


    USC member #240

  122. I am totally amazed at the awesomness of this. I have been working on this idea that is a bike but the front of it is a unicorn. Its kind of like my own secret hero ride.

  123. I was in right up until I read about half the comments and I am not wearing any pink tutu while carrying twine and spatula…it got kind of freaky right around there…then went to sort of kinky…and I fear in a little while it is going to go creepy freaky…if it goes Freaky Kinky…I’ll join back up again.

  124. the club needs an eyebrow stencil kit because my coworker (impulse) bought them and we don’t know what else you’re supposed to do with it

  125. Went to lunch today and just about spewed biscuit across the table when I saw Beyonce’s midget cousin on the counter. Now I’m a member of the Unicorn Success Club? Double awesome. Yay us!

  126. I hate to be a doubter, nay-sayer, obstructionist, but isn’t a double unicorn actually a bicorn or some such? This worries me. A lot.

  127. Yay!! I love unicorns!! I can’t think of any rules, but I did see one about talking about The Unicorn Success Club all the time. I like that rule especially since I love to talk and often run out of things to talk about. 😀

  128. I am with Crash – membership stickers for Unicorn Success Club! Extra glitter for all! And extra special cocktails for all the meetings! Woohooo!

  129. I think our Club handshake should be half a strangle, that way nobody gets hurt.

  130. Ninjarama is pretty bad ass.

    Hey I just told my students next Monday is Rainbow day since we don’t get to celebrate St. Paddy’s and because it’s Gay Pride awareness day at school – so it’s Rainbow Day and Pot O’Gold day.

    You know what this means?


    I will invite the unicorns. They can come too but only if they bring ninjas.

  131. The first Rule of Unicorn Success Club is that we talk about Unicorn Success Club ALL THE TIME!!

    The second Rule of Unicorn Success Club is SKITTLES!!!!

  132. Yay! A club where I’m already a member! No forms to fill out or messy inititations! Wooohoooo! But you should ban Nathan Fillian (rule #1). There should be a weekly party, with glitter and cotton candy (as mentioned in previous posts), a club motto, and handshake. And dogs should be in the club.

  133. Three Rules:
    Carrying twine all of the time is impractical, but we must hold twine while posing for the pictures on our Unicorn Success Club membership cards. (Jenny: You should design some and sell them in your shop! Don’t forget to leave space for the picture!!)

    All official meetings should take place in large and luxurious public bathrooms. This of course means that we will need to have a list available of the nicest bathrooms in each city, as rated by members.

    Neil Patrick Harris is our supreme leader, whether he wants to be or not.

  134. Rule # 8,549: All members receive one default superpower- the ability to automatically win arguments. Because unicorns.

  135. I second NPH as supreme leader. Actually, co-supreme leader with you, Frau Bloggess.

    I know what you mean about knowing you’re going to be together with your hubs due to something little (although, Unicorn Success Club is hardly little). My husband and I watch House Hunters kind of religiously now a days and we saw this one episode (out of all the ones that we’ve seen) where the couple was *actually* in love – true love – and we both started tearing up and we didn’t even have to tell each other how extraordinary that was – we both knew. Man, that was a good episode. So, yea, we’ve got House Hunters that one time, and you guys have USC and DUSC and Ninja-rama 3000. OK, yours is better.

  136. Dear god, WHY!!! has no one picked up your life for a sitcom? I can totally see it now! I’d watch it, for reals.

  137. Dude! I’ve always wanted to be in a club, but was never invited to one. I feel so cool. But one rule is, no one better touch my double horns.

  138. I would have thought that the FIRST RULE of Unicorn Success Club was that we don’t talk about Unicorn Success Club. <:( <—– sad unicorn

  139. Was that a charter addition? My last comment? As far as a rule, uhhhhh – be awesome as often as you can? No pressure, though. Don’t stress out about it. Actually, you know what? You’re freakin awesome right now as you are. Don’t do a gd thing. There. Rule is – be you, being awesome. The end.

  140. You are my anti-depressant. Crying a tear of pure joy from my heart. Need to get this shirt now and wear it with pride!

  141. Maybe Victor’s robobobcats should be riding the unicorns – the robot tigers are the flag bearers in the club seal?

  142. Rule number 4815162342: No cilantro. Unless you like cilantro. In which case, you can have ALL THE CILANTRO.

  143. Where do we stand on those centaurs? I believe a monthly mixer of members from both clubs should be in order.

  144. I was going ask where the Ninja-Ramma 3000 shirts were but I realized they would only be worn by ninjas and we would never see them coming.

  145. @mitz-
    Yes, this was my feeling, too. (See comment 136.) Maybe we could forge a “Double Unicorn-Bicorn Alliance,” to raise awareness on this important issue. Otherwise children will grow up confused about the difference between “double unicorns” and “bicorns” and probably become “bicorn-curious” (bicornious?). OMG, the children! Won’t somebody *please* think of the children?!

  146. I feel like you and I are on the same page, as just earlier today I wrote about (a different kind of) cougars, and my normal sign off is Peace, Love and Unicorns. And my cat is an a-hole. I just threw that last part in there.

  147. (with apologies to your pets, taxidermied and otherwise) We allow no green alligators, or long necked geese, no humpty backed camels and no chimpanzees – no cats or rats or elephants … (They Know Why!!)

  148. I came here looking for the club purely interested in helping unicorns to succeed. That must be a different Unicorn Success Club. My bad.

  149. I have never wanted to be part of a club more!!! Sign me up, send me the rules…and Ferris Mewler…stop being a hater-cat!

  150. Unicorn Success Club official meal is brunch because nothing is better – ever. Double Unicorn Success Club brunch will always contain a course of cake because what could be better than Brunch with Cake? Nothing.

  151. Yes! I love unicorns SO MUCH. I used to have a unicorn-themed bike. It was purple. It had a banana seat, with a unicorn on it. It was badassed. I miss it.

    Rule: The first mission of the Unicorn Success Club shall be to find that bike. I will pick it up at the Washington Monument (yes, to symbolize a unicorn’s horn) on Leap Day, 2016. This should give us plenty of time.

  152. I must know. Do you and your husband always talk like this? Mine only speaks video-game-ese and I am not fluent in it. So many times, our conversations go like this:

    Him: blah blah level up blah blah fantasy league blah.
    Me: —- (blank stare)
    Him: You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?
    Me: uhm… no.
    Him: Go back to reading your book.

    Or they can go like this:

    Me: Honey, I really want to go to NYC for so-n-so’s reading Monday night.
    Him: —- (back to me, playing video game)
    Me: So, then, you know, I’m going.
    Him: (looks back at me) Huh? You say something babe?
    Me: Never mind. Go back to your game.

    haha! I want your life if just for the wacky conversation 🙂

  153. The most important rule of Unicorn Success Club:
    If there happens to be an ark in the vicinity, get on it. Don’t get distracted by something shiny. Don’t ask questions. Just get on the ark.

  154. Upon reaching acheivement levels in Unicorn Success Club, members obtain exciting rewards. Top members all show their solidarity and success in Unicorn Success Club by receiving, and riding, Pink Double Unicorns (where available).

  155. Our battle cry is Majama!!

    (majama is how my daughter said vagina when she was two years old)

  156. I paid my dues at Slim’s Last Chance Barbecue and Saloon at lunch today, and I didn’t even know I was doing it! Cool!

  157. Jenny, the thought of an invisible cougar riding a double unicorn just made me breathe fire and shit diamonds. I’m trying to decide whether to blame Victor or thank him.

  158. # 189 — How about decoder TIARAS?!?!

    Rock on fellow club members!


  159. Can there be a Pancake Wednesday?
    I’d really like a Pancake Wednesday…

  160. every member of the Unicorn Success Club is entitled to a full rebate of every hour wasted in waiting rooms.

  161. I decree that all members of the USC (OMG THAT IS MY SCHOOL! GO COCKS!) must also incorporate rainbows into some point in every day.
    The End.

  162. All meetings should be held at Unicorn Park in Woburn MA (an actual business park I drive past every day…I still giggle a year later)

  163. There is actually a commercial for a casino in my area (it’s in Blackhawk, CO) that comes on Hulu with a quadricorn (four horned unicorn) in a carwash. It’s about slots or something, but I always think “that quadricorn is so kick ass! but yeah, still don’t want to play slots.” So I propose that the quadricorn is our highest honor, and those that please the ninth Bloggess may take it to the carwash to bathe it.

  164. Oh, the prestige! And I was just laughing like a lunatic while apparently watching “Criminal Minds,” possibly one of the least funny shows on television. Double unicorn success.

  165. What if I didn’t read the whole thing, but just skipped to the end? Am I still a member?

  166. I second #6, the need for stickers and random placement of said stickers to acknowledge induction into the USC. I will wait to place my tshirt order so that I may also order matching stickers.

  167. I love every thing about this post and the comments and the Unicorn Success Club.

  168. I must tell you that reading several of your posts causes me to feel like I’ve taken powerful drugs. Or maybe that I need to take powerful drugs. And this has been going on for a while, starting with reading the quote below. I was immediately hooked. Whatever drugs you are taking, take more.

    “Victor says I can’t stay home and drink myself to death until I’m making more than $100 a month on my blog so this week I sent out my first real business proposal and Victor was all “So how goes the blog sales?” and I’m all “Awesome. I’m in discussions with a mucky-muck at Chipotle” and then he looks over my shoulder at the email and is all “WHY ARE YOU DISCUSSING MIDGET PORN ON A BUSINESS PROPOSAL?” like that never happens to him. “

  169. Thank you for being awesome. I was the victim of being the “ex” this week. So being completely invited to the Double Unicorn Success??? Savior! I am totally not worthy. And I love you. Awesomely.

  170. For all members of the club: dental work will be painless…and free!
    Wait, even better: members of the club will not even need dental work because everyone will have perfect teeth!!

    (I should have joined this club sooner!)

  171. True story – I was the founder of the Purple Unicorn Club in kindergarten. Our soul mission was to chase boys on the playground. Everyday. Relentlessly. Only we didn’t know what to do with them once we caught them. So the club eventually broke up. It’s so exciting to see a renewed spirit in creating unicorn clubs.

  172. i don’t know if someone already suggested this, but how about a membership card? i would definitely buy one to show my friends…

  173. >>And then I stopped talking because apparently Victor wanted a moment of silence to ponder how mind-blowing it would be to see an invisible cougar riding a double unicorn. (Hint: It’s imponderable.)<<
    (raises hand)

    I pondered it. It was pretty rad.

  174. As self-appointed Treasurer of the Unicorn Success Club, I declare that all dues are payable in
    1. X-Files trading cards
    2. Tickets to Barry Manilow concerts
    3. Chest hairs belonging to:
    a. Penn Jillett or b. Neil Patrick Harris or c. Ray Stevenson (All three for a life time membership)
    4. Skor bars
    5. Autographed Neil Gaiman comics

  175. Along with the total gorgeous tee-shirts, can I please submit the motion that matching hats and bags are available to all Unicorn Success Club members, and key rings cos that I would never lose my keys and have to spend countless hours searching for them time and time again. We could so get a whole merchandising division going, or would we just need a sub-committee?

  176. Holy shit, Unicorn Success Club just turned my crappy day into ALL KINDS OF AWESOME. This is the best idea ever and the rules are fantastic. I love that the official meal is brunch and that we are required to wear pink tutus.

  177. Finally a place where I feel like I belong.

    Similar to what Alicia said above: if a dude with a bead beard named Noah (the dude, I’m not sure what the beard is named), then you better listen to him. Understood?

  178. Just so you know, my organisation “The Club of successful Unicorns”, is not affiliated with yours in any way. We meet on different days. And we don’t have a t-shirt.

  179. Can the logo be put on a sticker for our car window? That way we can all honk at each other to acknowledge membership in the club.

  180. I am totally buying a Unicorn Success Club long sleeve tee, and my 9-year old daughter wants one too, but in the girly style and pink. Seriously, I’m just so excited I can’t wait to wear it. I can’t wait who in my tiny little town will be the first to recognize the source.

  181. Thank you for being you and making me laugh every day. I also have similar issues and I think flaunting your creative mind is Awesome! I sent you a drawing for your Unicorn Success Club 😀

  182. Members of the Unicorn Success Club have a pass from ever having to take down their Christmas tree. Club members who decorate their trees for each upcoming holiday (Valentine’s Day tree, St. Patrick’s Day tree, etc.) are inducted into the Double Unicorn Success Club and get free Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Because who doesn’t love those? (People who are allergic to peanuts, that’s who. OK, they can get Peppermint Patties.)

  183. We just bought three Unicorn Success Club tshirts. Thank you for having them in youth sizes. E would like unicorn success club business cards made of metal – because then they would be much more shiny. And the we can glue sparkles on them.

    J says Go Unicorn Success Club!

  184. Can we make the official pancake topping Nutella?

    I was going to suggest melted butter and sprinkled powdered Tang as our official pancake topping. Then I realized that probably nobody but me had ever had melted butter and sprinkled powdered Tang on their pancakes, even though it makes them orangey and sparkly and really tangy (I mean, honestly, the name fits). But then I got worried–what if they don’t even MAKE Tang anymore? I mean, that would ruin everything!

    So Nutella on our pancakes is my second choice, because my five-year-old daughter tells me that Unicorns really love chocolate-hazelnut spread on their Pancakes.

    And of course five-year-olds are always right. About Unicorns. And playing. And the importance of naps unless you’re doing some really, really, really important artwork.

  185. Normally I would never be a member of a club that would let someone like me in, but this, this may be entirely too awesome to pass up.

  186. Unicorn Success Club With Spatulas would be the only way to make it awesomer.

  187. I nominate myself the president of the Unicorn Success Club’s Toronto chapter! We will be meeting in our own heads every Tuesday and drinking wine, eating ice cream and petting puppies and kittens!

    You rock Blogess!

  188. Haven’t you heard the song . . . there were green alligators and long neck geese some humpty back camels and some chimpanzees some cats and rats and elephants but sure as you’re born you’re never gonna see no unicorns.
    Come visit sometime. I know you’re busy out looking for unicorns but take a break and stop by The Asylum.
    (The Blogger Formerly Known as Swampwitch aka: Swampy)

  189. Complete and total awesomeness is obtained only by locating the strategically hidden individual corns aka (uni-corn). First to put a fully shucked cob back together wins a bareback ride behind the cougar or even better…on a side cart attached to said unicorn. Now, that’s an ass load of SUCCESS!

    *the corn has been hidden all over the continental US to celebrate USC’s coveted scavenger hunt awareness week. Week to be announced, better yet, it applies to all weeks that start on Sundays.

  190. Every member must write poetry. Any form. Any length. Any subject. EVERY Horn Day. Failure to comply will result in a mandatory two poems next Horn Day.

  191. I. LOVE. YOU. (and not just because you are from Texas -which you are {like me} or have a cool name – which you do {like me}) Sometimes I think you are the me that didn’t escape- I mean- move…

  192. I had to describe Pink Floyd laser shows to the blind as my community service when I got caught smoking weed. I got a hefty contact high every time I went to the planetarium, so I saved a lot of money on weed that month. Thanks, justice.

  193. My husband asked what I was laughing so hard about, so I read him this post and he said “I don’t get it.” He is banned from the Unicorn Success Club for two weeks. However, my 17 yr. old son with Aspergers Syndrome totally got it and laughed his ass off with me. We needed this club, so thank you for creating it.

    I’m going to go buy one of those tee shirts for me, but my son wants the “Depression is an Asshole” tee shirt, which he thinks is the best shirt ever.

    And I think we should all invest in one of these unicorn hats:

  194. fucking. genius. and now that is going on my resume. in capital, bold underlined letters.

  195. Am totally thinking the stickers would make it all better. Also loving the secret horn shake/rub. Can we include beads. I do love beads

  196. Vicki@59,
    The official food of The Unicorn Success Club is pink cotton candy.

    Oddly enough, I just finished a bag of pink cotton candy a few minutes before reading this. I feel like I belong.

    Karen@285, Don’t anthropomorphize depression, he hates that.

  197. I have a talking unicorn cardboard cut out that says such inspiring things as “Unicorn looooooves you!” and “Come! Prance with me!” I use it for a pick me up daily.

  198. I squealed in glea as I read this. So I read it to my husband. He first said that I should never meet you because together the world might implode. Then he said that he was going to find Victor and take him fishing. He then walked away shaking his head and muttering. Success!!

  199. Actually, the first rule isn’t even “talk about Unicorn Success Club OFTEN.”

    It’s this: “Every conversation must, by whatever means necessary, be steered towards, and end up being completely about, Unicorn Success Club. So if, like, your dad calls and starts in about about the Damn Democrats he’s always getting all Archie Bunker-y about, you are required to end up talking to him about Unicorn Success Club, but that’s just one incredibly specific example so don’t just wait for your dad to call and complain about Damn Democrats or whatever to do it.”

    There’s also a Rule 34, but you have to be a Tricorn-Level member to see it.

  200. Why is Jen (27) picking on the little bandicoot? They are very cute and don’t need glitter. They could be a unicorns best friend and snuggle up to them at night. They should not be part of hazing or initiation or any such ceremony as they might get their snouts trodden on! They will have enough trouble staying out of the sight (to avoid being eaten) of those cougars – Orange County ones and/or the others as well! Does this entry mean I am now officially a member of the USC? Goody!

  201. In the end of days, the Unicorn Success Club will unite with Ninja-Rama 3000 in an epic battle against the zombies.

  202. Moja says members should use the word “buttcrack” as often as possible. Work it into your conversations even if it does not make sense. I should mention that Moja is six.

  203. All members of Unicorn Success Club must be between the ages of 1 minute old and dead to be concidered active. Prior to or after these ages they can still be mrmbers, but not active.

  204. Actual conversation with my husband Anthony just now:
    Anthony, “So, what is Unicorn Success Club?”
    Me, “You’ll just have to read about it, I can’t explain right now. But you’re in it.”
    Anthony, “How am I in it?”
    Me, “Everyone is by default.”
    Anthony, “So, it’s not really a club then, is it?”
    Me, “Of course it is. It’s just not exclusive at all.”
    Anthony, “That’s kind of like Penis club for men.”
    Me, “Kinda, yeah.”
    Anthony, “You’re laughing a lot.”
    Me, “Well, you said, ‘Penis.'”

  205. I like it, UNICORN SUCCESS CLUB.. Sounds unique and really catchy…If you have this kind of name for business well it is really worth…A lot of people would want to try it…

  206. Why is there no facebook site for our club? I’m a proud member and want to share it with the (facebook) world!

    And a more serious topic, but one the whole club can participate:

    Kony 2012.

  207. My husband works with a guy named Unicorn. No joke. Apparently when he migrated to the US, he picked an American name without first checking the definition..he just picked a word he liked. How fortunate he picked something awesome instead of something like..Clitoris. Or Gonorrhea. Both of those names actually sound pretty if they weren’t, you know..what they are. Crap. Is this conversation going to get me suspended from the club?

  208. Unicorns are a hot commodity nowadays, which is why I plan on capturing the market and driving up prices to make myself filthy rich and live in a house with chandeliers made out of unicorn horns.

  209. Someone needs to create a Facebook page for the Unicorn Success Club and then see just how many awesome people can like it. lol

  210. I can still be a member, despite the fact that my beloved Significant Ex just emigrated to Germany? Just what are the requirements? As Groucho said, “I don’t care to belong to any club that would have me as a member.” Except that I would really, really like to have achieved Unicorn Success.

  211. I want the job of describing Pink Floyd laser shows to the blind. Why do they never tell you about these awesome jobs in school?

    Members of the Unicorn Success Club must share jobs that they don’t tell you about in school, like chocolate taster, rock historian or moss collector.

  212. From now on all double unicorns will wear their horns in sequence ( like a mohawk) rather than side by side. Not only does it prevent the cougars from accidentally on purpose pretending they are handlebars, it makes double unicorns live up to their punk-rocking reputations. ( double unicorns don’t actually rock, that’s what rocking horses are for, and we wouldn’t want to take their livelihood away, especially during a recession)

  213. I like the word Unicorn success club…It looks simple and very catchy…

  214. Rule #16.5 Section 1 (a)

    The supersecret (yes, that is now one word) vehicle to the unicorn’s home will be a time travelling funicular.

  215. If the U.S.C. is holding it’s meetings in the TARDIS (where it’s bigger on the inside) so we also get to wear red Fezs? Because I think that is a fantastic idea. We should also strap wands to our belts incase there are any rouge Voldemorts roaming around.

  216. Someone else may have already said this, but I believe you overlooked an opportunity when you nixed the fire-breathing idea. The cougar doesn’t breathe fire.

    The unicorn does.

  217. I wish you would have posted this BEFORE we started working on my son’s 3rd grade cougar diorama because instead of riding a double unicorn it’s just, you know, eating a gazelle and shit. Feels so subpar now.

  218. All Unicorn Success Club meetings must be called to order by a taxidermied mouse dressed as Hamlet. Three options for how this will occur: a. bang said mouse on the back of the unicorn as if said mouse were a gavel. b. using a complex system of ropes and pulleys, have said mouse zipline into the meeting, where he will drop to the podium, thereby calling the meeting to order. c. said mouse will blow a unicorn horn a la the Lord of the Flies conch shell. (Option C will be reserved for after the zombie apocalypse when all civilization and order have gone to pot.)

  219. I can’t help but feel… despite his *obvious* contributions to the team, that the cougar will end up feeling a bit like the BMX Bandit.

  220. You are so hilariously weird, I wish I could crawl inside your skin and be you!
    Can’t believe these conversations actually happen, totally love reading your blog.

  221. I’m trying to think of my own company name at the mo, and this has been an inspiration! Unicorns for all!

  222. My cat added the below. He’s suspended from the club. As for everyone else, there should be a rule that if a club member uses “synergistic,” “solutioning” or “win-win” it has to be pointed out by shouting “UNICORN SUCCESS CLUB FAIL” and the violator has to give money to charity and promise to never do it again (never use those terms, not the giving money to charity part).


  223. Every member gets a tree that grows Christian Louboutin shoes and martinis. I also think that if we are going back to the 70’s with the unicorn love and panthers, then we should have afro’s. And bell bottoms. And say groovy and far out.

  224. Please please please please please someone who has graphic design skillz, make a Unicorn Success Club t-shirt that actually involves a cougar riding his unicorn friend. Preferably across a rainbow. PLEASE. I will pay ALL OF THE MONIES for that shirt.

  225. I agree with the person putting it on their resume, however I think it should be mandatory.
    And then we can see what interviewer/potential employers are even willing to even ask about it.

    If they do so with whimsy in their eyes, it is a place you want to work and you should shower them in glitter and kittens who morph into Ninja’s (Ferris Mewlers decendents). And give them a sticker and induct them immediately.

    If they do not, or do so with complete disdain (it will always be an extreme lover or hater reaction to this club) then you should run for the door shouting “THE COUGAR WILL BE BACK RIDING THE UNICORN, BEWARE!!!!!”.

  226. Anyone who loves Doctor Who gets to be in the spin-off club, Doctor Who-Nicorn as well, where we have marathons, and play trivia games, and consider what it would be like to watch the Daleks be defeated by invisible cougars riding double-horned unicorns 🙂

  227. Best plan ever – I’m going to get a Unicorn Success Club shirt for my wife and a Double Unicorn Success Shirt for me (because I’m pregnant and the baby deserves to be in the club, too). Think I can convince her to we should wear them to our next OB appointment?

  228. There should be a Unicorn Success Club day at all Disneyland/Disney World theme parks where members get in to ALL Disney parks FOR FREE. And Disney will donate all the would have been ticket sales to charities and junk.

    The End.

  229. Dear Bloggess:
    Please also make a shirt for NINJA-RAMA 3000. It’s a request from my boyfriend. This way, Unicorn Success Club and NINJA-RAMA 3000 can have a ballet-battle, just like the Sharks and the Jets in West Side Story. And by “ballet-battle”, I mean me and my bf will get drunk on wine slushies and sing “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” – while dancing – in a competitive form of karaoke.

  230. So…I think there should be a merit badge system with patches that can be added to the shirts for various achievements. For example, if you respect your other half’s wish that you don’t buy any more towels/clothes/shoes/coffee mugs/whatever and instead buy something amazing and full of magical whimsy, you get a Beyonce patch to sew on your t-shirt. It would be like the scouts but way more fun and with a waaaaaay better uniform.

  231. For the rule book:

    Potential grounds for exclusion or removal from the USC database may include—but isn’t limited to—
    not believing in unicorns or other magical creatures. Anyone found not believing in unicorns or other creatures of this magic will receive a visit from a cobra.

    Not a stuffed cobra. A live one.

  232. This is way better than that time I was president of the Key Club in high school.

    Rule: No cougar catnip allowed at Double Unicorn Success Club meetings. An invisible nipped out cougar sounds scary as shit.

  233. You have the best job in the world. That’s all I have to say.

    You figure out a super secret handshake yet? We need a video.

  234. After reading that, now I not only think Unicorn Success Club is as real as it can be, but also the club name rings in my head and won’t shut up.
    Dang. The things you do to us, your readers. HAHA

  235. We should have a parade. Like the Chinese New Year, only better. Sparklers and a laser light show and rainbows and glitter.

  236. That is the BEST thing I’ve read all week – I literally spit coffee all over my keyboard. Everyone around me is looking at me like I’m absolutely nuts because I couldn’t stop laughing and giggling. You. Are. Hilarious!!

  237. RULE: Anytime anything is purchased using unicorn success club funds, you must also buy towels. Whether you need them or not, Victor.

  238. Who is getting in touch with NPH?? Can we just draft him into service?? I think we did

  239. Can we get rings? With double unicorn heads… They probably won’t let us wear them on airplanes though because they could be used as a weapon…. DAMN THE MAN!

  240. The Unicorn Success Club and Ninja-Rama 3000 have a spring social together with dancing and booze. Rainbow colored drinks for the Unicorns and black-colored drinks for the Ninjas. Do ninjas drink? Or do they have to stay vigilant? Screw vigilance, I’m a Unicorn!
    The Unicorn Success Club shall not meet at the same time as the Ninja-Rama 3000.

    …and where does one get their Ninja-Rama 3000 t-shirt?

  241. I love this. And I know someone else that will and so I’m buying her a t-shirt for her birthday as I have yet to locate a metal chicken I can buy for her.

  242. There is so much good stuff here… but have we talked about trampolines yet? Or better, inflatable bouncy houses? I think those need to be involved, along with the cupcakes, wine slushees, glitter and NPH. And stickers.

  243. There aren’t going to be any shady stuff going on in this club is there? Like selling deer-cocaine or smuggling gum across the border? I can’t have any run-ins with the law…

  244. …and here I thought only my husband & I had conversations like this.
    Good to know we aren’t the only committable, yet endearing couple out there. Every marriage should share its own special kind of crazy in the most ridiculous (and legal) way.

    My addition to the Unicorn Success Club rule book:
    Anyone invited to join the USC (that doesn’t realize they’re already in USC) must pick up the bar tab of the person that invited them.

    …and on that note, I’ll have a double.

  245. This makes me furiously happy. I second or third or whatever Taco Tuesday, the bowing and pawing-of-the-ground when meeting a fellow member and the Doctor Who-nicorn.

  246. Unicorns are fierce, and their fury should never be doubted. Photographic evidence of this: http://youtu.be/kQOXInU4MCI

    Members of the USC are required to know how to make at least one medium to hard piece of origami, due to be turned in when the alarm on your astrolabe begins to ring.

    Additional rule: all members must have an alarmed astrolabe.

  247. I can’t believe no one up to this point thought about Rainbow Slides. That has got to be our official activity at meetings. Everyone would slide down the Official Rainbow Slide and then be rewarded at the bottom with a handful of Skittles. FABULOUS PIC HERE=
    Alternate motto of the USC: “Success not Stress”
    *OOH -Look at what I found on zazzle!!!!

    Love all the other suggestions so far. I have always loved rainbows and unicorns and waterfalls. Can we hold meetings only at places near waterfalls?

    P.S. To Stephanie who was depressed by the movie “The Descendants” -Go see “We Bought a Zoo”. It’s what you were missing from the other movie. You are welcome!

  248. I am sooo in! I am so excited. I haven’t been in a club in way too long. I also agree with no cilantro and a bumper sticker so that we can all recognize the truly devoted members of USC. All hail The Bloggess and NPH.

  249. OK. I’m not sure, but I think my wife and I were a member of the USC before it was ever invented simply because were were discussing what name a club of people that follow the bloggess would be. The various names escape me at the moment, but I’m not kidding we were just talking about this Monday or Tuesday night.

  250. Juanita should totally be president! She’s a natural born leader. And along with membership stickers, we need buttons.

  251. I will contribute by speaking the Unicorn Success Club gospel to everyone on my morning bus commute. Now where did I put my ukulele..?? haaa!

  252. Thanks to Ricky Bobby I kind of know what it’s like to get mauled by a cougar (whose name was Karen coincidentally).

    “Well let’s see. I got mauled by a cougar, my Crystal Gayle shirt is ruined, and I didn’t learn dick about driving. Other than that, it was great. “

  253. Note to self: do not read this blog at work unless you want people around you to think you are having some sort of attack as you try to stiffle laughter.

  254. Unicorn Success Club – I want to go to there and wear that freaking nifty tee-shirt! Can The Unicorn Success Club have Cupcake Thursdays – Maybe Crumbs Bake Shop or Sprinkles would sponsor and make special unicakes for all the members. And somehow glitter should be involved, because where there’s unicorns, there’s glitter… cause unicorns crap glitter.

  255. Rule #34, come on, you know what rule 34 means.

    But it will be done tastefully. And not gross. Maybe with dim lighting and a fuzzy camera focus.

  256. Heck, yeah!! I’m so stoked to be part of the Unicorn Success Club!!! I totes want the tshirt, and I think the stickers idea is fab, too!


    Jenny, you totally make my day with your posts. I was having a craptastic, hovering on the edge of tears day, and you made me laugh out loud. Thank you so much for being just as willing to embrace your inner jackass as I am… and for being so much better at verbalizing it than me. *fist bump and unicorn calls*

  257. I thought the Unicorn of Justice was the fire-breathing, diamond-shitting one, not the cougar riding it.

    Which, I mean, totally makes sense, right? Because it’s the unicorn of fuckin’ justice, y’all.

    We need a gang sign, so we can throw down (is that the proper terminology?? I’m not hip with the kids these days).

  258. Awesome! Rule #3459 All members of the Unicorn Success Club must complete every conversation, written or spoken, with the phrase, “In accordance with the Unicorn Success Club.” In accordance with the Unicorn Success Club.

  259. I got confused about the “Double Unicorn Succes Club” because I thought it would mean that there were two unicorns. The other one could be ridden by the bear-headed stallion. Oh, wait — that sounds pornographic. Oh God, did I just invent the porn for Unicorn Success Club?

  260. Jenny! You are brilliant!! You are the sunshine, no strike that, you are the double rainbow on a cloudy day!!!
    I’m a proud (pink) spatula waving member of the USC!!! And being in the club has given me special powers! It wards away missionaries!!! After reading this blog, I went to make cupcakes, cause well everything is better with cupcakes with sprinkles! When, cupcakes in the oven, mixing the frosting, 2 missionaries peddle up to my door! (I live in a rural area) I open the door, pink spatula in hand, they ask if they can share the message from their church with me and I told only after they prove that they are card carrying members of the Unicorn Success Club! I told them to produce the membership stickers, and to show me what color of glitter and twine they are carrying. Lets just say, I don’t think they will be renewing thier dues anytime soon! USC! USC!

  261. Group gatherings are required under all double rainbows, and you’re required to bring any invisible cougars you own, to play under them, because we all know it’s their favorite playground. (Personally, i think they’re just out to hunt leprechauns, and a double rainbow just doubled their chances)