me: I just got an email about buying fake followers on twitter. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Why would anyone want that?
Victor: You’re asking me to explain why twitter doesn’t make sense?
me: It’s like paying for imaginary friends who don’t even like you.
Victor: We should totally start that business.
me: Selling twitter followers?
Victor: No. Selling used imaginary friends for people who don’t have imaginations.
me: DUDE, THAT IS MY DREAM JOB. Like Imaginary-Geraldo, who lost one leg playing “The Floor Is Made Of Lava” and who likes to dress up your cats like movie stars when you’re not home.
Victor: Huh.
me: Or Imaginary-Jezebel, who thinks you need to gain weight and who wants to eat cheesecake eggrolls with you. She’s half off.
Victor: She’s on sale?
me: No, she lost both of her legs in the garbage disposal. Apparently those things are really dangerous even though they seem like they’d make a great reverse snow cone. It was a really good lesson for all of us.
Victor: You’ve put…waaay too much thought into this.
me: It’s my secret talent. Our house is filled with imaginary friends. It’s like a fucking invisible mosh-pit in here.
Victor: And why are so many of them missing legs?
me: It’s a dangerous job.
PS. Don’t buy twitter followers. It’s stupid. Instead, make up imaginary friends for people who lack imagination. And make up imaginary shin pads for them too. That way you’re helping others and you’re protecting imaginary people. Everyone wins.