Right now on twitter, quotes from “author unknown” are going viral. My guess is that they’re all unknown because the author realized the quote was missing something. Lucky for them, I’ve completed the rest of their quotes for them. You are welcome, author unknown. (Feel free to add your own in the comments.)
“The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.” So hide behind someone happy. They often have cash in their wallet you can pickpocket. That’s usually why they’re so damn happy.
“The things that hurt us teach us.” Or they kill us. Maybe you should just skip that class.
“Happiness is in the heart, not in the circumstances.” Keep that in mind when you get a good cardio check-up on death row.
Always remember to be happy, because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile.” Because it might be a serial killer and then at least you spent your last few minutes happy. No sense in worrying about Tuesday’s assignment if you’re about to be brutally murdered today.
“Say this every day : Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is boundless opportunity.” Below me is someone who just took an up-skirt camera shot that’s going to end up on the internet. Thank God I wore nice underwear.
“Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book.” Or maybe they only get one soap opera. Stop being so literal, asshole.
“Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending.” That’s not as positive as you think it is if you work in a sleazy massage parlor. It’s all about the circumstances, really.
“No one ever drowned in sweat.” That you know of. Because they couldn’t tell you. Because they’d drowned in sweat. I once knew someone who died when he tried to get beer out of the bed of the truck while the truck was still moving. None of us was really surprised when we heard who it was.
Our health always seems much more valuable after we lose it. ” Same thing with laptops.
“No pillow is so soft as God’s promise. ” Unless it’s God’s promise to start the apocalypse and send the four horsemen on your asses.
“Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise.” Unless it’s that four horsemen thing. Seriously. That sounds scary as shit.
“Often he who does too much does too little.” So maybe you should go watch some TV.
“Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ” That’s why I bring a chainsaw and a ball-peen hammer.
A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ” The same thing goes with an ice-pic but you can also murder people with it. I know which one I’d choose in a knife fight.
“It is amazing how much you can accomplish when it doesn’t matter who gets the credit.” This is especially applicable in arson.
Love is like a flower: Once you pick it, it slowly dies.” Hearts, livers and boogers work on the same principle.
“The best way out of a problem is through it.” Unless that problem is a fire. Then you’re fucked.
”If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.” Start bench pressing your dog.
Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about. ” Unless that someone is Jim Beam.
When the world says, “Give up,”Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.” If it’s that ‘walking through a fire’ thing again Hope is trying to get you killed. She probably has an insurance policy out on you.
“It’s always been and always will be the same in the world: The horse does the work and the coachman is tipped. ” So if you have a choice in your college, major in being a horse.
“It takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home. ” Edgar Allan Poe would disagree.
“There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all” Unless it’s lion language because they’ll think you just bared your teeth at them. And now you’re fatally mauled. Great communication there, asshole.
UPDATED: Holy shit, you people are brilliant and I’ve been giggling uncontrollably at your comments. Also, lots of you have pointed out (quite astutely) that regarding the horse quote I should have said that you should major in being a coachman since he’s the one who gets the tips but I ask you, what would a horse do with a tip? A horse is happy just being a horse and he’s always employed. Except when he isn’t, in which case he’s just on a paid vacation. Horses almost never care about tips. That’s how you know you’ve made it. When you don’t care about getting tips anymore. Or when you’re a horse. Honestly, people. You’ve gotta think this shit through.