UPDATED: #Author Unknown

Right now on twitter, quotes from “author unknown” are going viral.  My guess is that they’re all unknown because the author realized the quote was missing something.  Lucky for them, I’ve completed the rest of their quotes for them.  You are welcome, author unknown.  (Feel free to add your own in the comments.)

“The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.”  So hide behind someone happy.  They often have cash in their wallet you can pickpocket.  That’s usually why they’re so damn happy.

“The things that hurt us teach us.”   Or they kill us. Maybe you should just skip that class.

“Happiness is in the heart, not in the circumstances.”  Keep that in mind when you get a good cardio check-up on death row.

Always remember to be happy, because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile.”  Because it might be a serial killer and then at least you spent your last few minutes happy.  No sense in worrying about Tuesday’s assignment if you’re about to be brutally murdered today.

“Say this every day : Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is boundless opportunity.”  Below me is someone who just took an up-skirt camera shot that’s going to end up on the internet.  Thank God I wore nice underwear.

“Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book.”   Or maybe they only get one soap opera.  Stop being so literal, asshole.

“Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending.”  That’s not as positive as you think it is if you work in a sleazy massage parlor.  It’s all about the circumstances, really.

“No one ever drowned in sweat.”  That you know of.  Because they couldn’t tell you.  Because they’d drowned in sweat.  I once knew someone who died when he tried to get beer out of the bed of the truck while the truck was still moving.  None of us was really surprised when we heard who it was.

Our health always seems much more valuable after we lose it. ”  Same thing with laptops.

“No pillow is so soft as God’s promise. ”  Unless it’s God’s promise to start the apocalypse and send the four horsemen on your asses.

“Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise.”  Unless it’s that four horsemen thing.  Seriously.  That sounds scary as shit.

“Often he who does too much does too little.”  So maybe you should go watch some TV.

“Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ”  That’s why I bring a chainsaw and a ball-peen hammer.

A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ”  The same thing goes with an ice-pic but you can also murder people with it.  I know which one I’d choose in a knife fight.

“It is amazing how much you can accomplish when it doesn’t matter who gets the credit.”   This is especially applicable in arson.

Love is like a flower: Once you pick it, it slowly dies.”  Hearts, livers and boogers work on the same principle.

“The best way out of a problem is through it.”  Unless that problem is a fire.  Then you’re fucked.

”If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.”  Start bench pressing your dog.

Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about. ”  Unless that someone is Jim Beam.

When the world says, “Give up,”Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”  If it’s that ‘walking through a fire’ thing again Hope is trying to get you killed.  She probably has an insurance policy out on you.

“It’s always been and always will be the same in the world: The horse does the work and the coachman is tipped. ”  So if you have a choice in your college, major in being a horse.

“It takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home. ”  Edgar Allan Poe would disagree.

“There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all”   Unless it’s lion language because they’ll think you just bared your teeth at them.  And now you’re fatally mauled.  Great communication there, asshole.

 UPDATED:  Holy shit, you people are brilliant and I’ve been giggling uncontrollably at your comments.  Also, lots of you have pointed out (quite astutely) that regarding the horse quote I should have said that you should major in being a coachman since he’s the one who gets the tips but I ask you, what would a horse do with a tip?  A horse is happy just being a horse and he’s always employed.  Except when he isn’t, in which case he’s just on a paid vacation.  Horses almost never care about tips.  That’s how you know you’ve made it.  When you don’t care about getting tips anymore.  Or when you’re a horse.  Honestly, people.  You’ve gotta think this shit through.

248 thoughts on “UPDATED: #Author Unknown

Read comments below or add one.

  1. “It takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home. ” Edgar Allen Poe would disagree.

    My favorite. These are hysterical!

  2. “Ooh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to increase your word power’.
    That thing is really, really.. really…. good. — Homer Simpson

  3. “The best way out of a problem is through it.” Unless that problem is a fire. Then you’re fucked.

    ^ my new favourite quote.

  4. “When camping, you don’t need to run faster than a bear. You only need to run faster than your friend.” Unless zombies are in the forest. Then it doesn’t matter how fast either of you run.

  5. I’m now addicted to all-things Jenny Lawson. A little cyber-stalkerish, maybe, but you say the things that rattle around in my brain (well, not everything). I don’t obsess about serial killers and Chupecabra’s as much as you do. But obsessions with proving spell-check wrong? Absolutishly. Yeah, that’s a word!

  6. ” “A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ” The same thing goes with an ice-pic but you can also murder people with it. I know which one I’d choose in a knife fight.”

    Never bring a knife to a gun fight. Never bring a smile to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a smile fight. On second thought, strike that last one. People who smile all the time are probably plotting your death so it’s always best to be prepared.

  7. My favorite – Our health always seems much more valuable after we lose it. ” Same thing with laptops.

    Thanks for the laughs!

  8. “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ” But if you’re a total dumbass, after you’re no longer discouraged, you’ll keep trying all the keys and will forget which one really works and have to start all over again. AND now you’ll never get the door open to get out of “Hope’s fire.”

  9. God never gives you more than you can handle.*

    *see previous reference to Four Horsemen.

  10. Hahaha, I need to spend more time on Twitter. I have no idea what you’re talking about, but it looks like a fun game. Maybe now that the wedding is over, I can do more pointless internet surfing. Check my linky thing at the bottom for wedding bliss infographical picturegrams. I’m an asshole.

  11. My favorite is:
    “The things that hurt us teach us.” Or they kill us. Maybe you should just skip that class.
    Priceless.

  12. Another thought for “Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about. ” ….. that’s how you become a stalker.

  13. Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about. ” Unless that someone is Jim Beam.

    …Jack Daniels, Little Debbie, or Jimmy Dean.
    Great, I’m hungry and thirsty now.

  14. I find all this quoting about smiles extremely creepy. “If you catch someone smiling alone for no discernible reason, do not let it brighten your day, leave the room immediately.” – Anonymous (me)

  15. Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget……………………..especially the ones who hold your hair when you start projectile vomiting after one too many tequilla shots.

  16. I’d complete a few of these somewhat differently:

    “Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise.” – Actually, I’d ditch this one entirely. I subscribe to the Scotty method of promising. Figure out just how much you can accomplish and then promise much less insisting that doing what is asked of you (in the time asked to do it in) is impossible. Then, when you do what was originally asked of you, you’ll be hailed as a miracle worker.

    “Often he who does too much does too little.” Especially when the person in question has been clicking through Wikipedia. But at least the person in question knows that Stéphanie Öhrström is a Swedish football goalkeeper. That makes all that wasted time totally worth it.

    “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ” So the lesson is to just have two keys in your bunch. This way you will get to the last key quicker. Whatever you do, though, don’t have one key. It will simultaneously be the first key (and thus not work) and the last key (and thus work) and the Universe will implode. You don’t want to end all of existence do you? You do? Will someone please keep all keys away from this person?

    “A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ” Maybe, but then your teeth will break along with the ice and your smile won’t be as powerful then. will it? Don’t believe me? Ask some hockey players to smile. Trust me, it’s not pretty.

  17. I’ve spent half an hour reading everything here. I wonder if I can bill my client for this and mark the work as “social media and marketing research”? Yes, that sounds like a good idea.

    “Beer after wine and you’ll feel fine; wine after beer and you’ll feel queer.” — the adage doesn’t say anything about vodka. What about vodka, assholes?

  18. I think you may have just crashed twitter. This showed up on my RSS feed, and not 30 seconds later, I got the dreaded “Tweets are taking too long to load” message.

  19. “dance like no one is watching” because dancing like a mentally deranged person usually keeps the creepy grinders from rubbing up against you in da clubs.

  20. “The things that hurt us teach us.” They teach us how to sue people for hurting us so they have to put warning labels on the product that say you could get hurt doing something that no one else would ever think of doing with the product.

    “No one ever drowned in sweat.” They usually die of the heart attack that caused them to fall to the ground long before they have a chance to aspirate the pool of sweat.

    “Love is like a flower: Once you pick it, it slowly dies.” Brains also work on the same principle. Remember that the next time someone asks to pick yours…

    “Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about. ” Until you are served with the order of protection, you creep.

    When the world says, “Give up,”Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.” This is especially true when trying to recreate dangerous stunts you see on YouTube. Hope is a bitch that way.

    “A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ” So try it. Repeatedly. Signed, Your Dentist, Dr. Hope, Who Could Use Another Vacation Home.

  21. “Never deprive someone of hope — it may be all they have.”
    Makes me think that “Hope” would make a good hooker name.

  22. I think I’d rather not be the horse. All the work, and only oats every day. I like oats and all but what about chocolate and booze?

  23. Oh, I forgot about the wine/beer corollary. I’d always heard it as liquor before beer, in the clear, but beer before liquor, never been sicker. Of course it could be just because it rhymes, but it does include vodka….

    Or how about that one God never gives us more than we can handle? What? That’s just fucking bullshit if you ask me. That was made up by some stupid manager somewhere who wanted someone to do 3x the amount of work in 1/2 the time allotted after their husband left them and their dog died. I mean, come on. (Sorry, it’s a thing that really annoys me)

  24. ““It’s always been and always will be the same in the world: The horse does the work and the coachman is tipped. ” So if you have a choice in your college, major in being a horse.”

    no thanks… I’d rather major in being the coachman. I just want tips

  25. “There is no telling how many miles you’ll have to run while chasing a dream.” Might I suggest getting in shape and a good pair of shoes? Don’t bother trying to order anything from Acme to assist you because Wile E. Coyote already tried all of that and frankly, his embarrassment just kept going from bad to worse.

  26. I lamented I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. He wasn’t using them.

  27. “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” – Unless it’s cocaine. Then at least you can say goodbye to your septum.

    “Insanity is when you keep doing the same thing over n over again expecting different result.” If any factory workers find out about this the mental health industry is going to get swamped.

    “The hardest thing to do is loving someone and having the courage to let them love u back….” You have clearly never tried removing a badger from a shoe closet.

    “Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.” But with any luck their hourly rates will be quite reasonable.

  28. “A joy shared, is a joy doubled. A sorrow shared, is a sorrow halved. ” Now, I’m no mathematician… but isn’t this part of the Pythagorean Theorem?

  29. I hate these “inspirational” quotes (that people seem especially fond to deliver to you when you’re depressed – I once got a whole book of them as a birthday present). But with your little touches added to them, they’re hysterical! Thanks, you made my evening.

  30. Recently a “friend” posted a motivational poster she saw hanging in a bathroom. It was some nonsense about will power verse strength getting the job done, but when you applied it to bathroom business instead, it suddenly became brilliantly funny. Now I read all motivational posters as if they apply to pooping. It’s like adding “in bed” at the end of fortune cookies , but with poo.
    Now I have the added bonus of applying Bloggess logic to twitter post. This is the really key to happiness, jokes of poo and serial killers.

  31. I love the one about if your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise. Another alternative is that someone in the family is giving your dog more food than it needs, so I’m pretty sure it’s not that clear cut.
    Also, I went to my library to reserve your book, and at least 30 people have reserved it before me! Girl, you’re popular!

  32. “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ” That’s like saying you always find what you’re looking for in the last place you look.

    Of course you do because once you find it YOU STOP F*CKING LOOKING.

    You’re right, these quotes are missing something.

  33. Happiness is in the heart not in the circumstances, just isn’t doing it right.

    If you know to do it you can take your happy circumstances and make your heart happy too.

  34. “Don’t cry over spilled milk.” It only makes it salty. Not that you would necessarily drink the milk now that it has been spilled, but geez….what kind of person drinks milk mixed with salt water?

  35. My coworkers officially think that I’m bat shit crazy. Note to self: once you start snerking at the internets, it’s time to read Jenny at HOME.

  36. ”If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.” Start bench pressing your dog.

    Do they say the same about cats? I’ve been thinking about using them as free-weights when I go for walks…

  37. I guess the thief still has your laptop. You should install a detonation feature on your next one…just in case it gets stolen, too. Ka-POW.

  38. “The things that hurt us teach us.” As a sadistic high school teacher, this will now be my motto. Punching kids is good for all of society, really.

  39. Jenny, market this! Color block in trendy fonts, frame it, and sell it through your site! You’d make zillions! I’d hang them all over my house!

  40. OMG…thank you. I needed to laugh hysterically. And now everyone’s looking at me funny. 😐

  41. “Say this every day : Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is boundless opportunity.” Below me is someone who just took an up-skirt camera shot that’s going to end up on the internet. Thank God I wore nice underwear.

    I’d change it to :
    “Say this every day : Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is boundless opportunity.” Below me is someone who just took an up-skirt camera shot that’s going to end up on the internet and above me is some pigeon shit falling fast. Thank God I wore nice underwear. Better run.

  42. A kindred soul. I like you so much, Bloggess! I’m not the only one with “other” comments in my head to all the motivational quotes out there. And yours are funnier!

  43. Wait. Why would I want to major in being a horse if that poor bastard is sitting on the side of the road watching the asshole that just whipped him get a sawbuck from some other asshole who just stood by and watched my ass get whipped, and didn’t do anything? I know, I just switched tenses or third-person infinite or something, but that’s another reason why I wouldn’t want to be a horse. No grammar skills.

  44. Rixie4, my husband will love your take on motivational posters.

    The one on Twitter that made me laugh out loud is “Thou shalt not mess with womens’ rights. Fallopians 20:12”

  45. The “deliver more than you promise” one kind of pisses me off. When did 110% become the new 100%? Especially considering that 110% is mathematically impossible. If you want me to wear 27 pieces of flair, make the requirement 27 pieces of flair instead of 15 pieces of flair.

  46. So glad to see someone else gets sick of these stupid cliched sayings. You add so much to them. Thanks!

  47. “Say this every day : Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is boundless opportunity.” Below me is someone who just took an up-skirt camera shot that’s going to end up on the internet. Thank God I wore nice underwear.

    Thank you for exposing these cliches, esp. the above. Heh heh. (I read your book, so I know sometimes you aren’t wearing underwear. Watch out for the paparazzi.)

  48. “There is no telling how many miles you’ll have to run while chasing a dream.”

    Unless your dream is to watch television and eat Cheetos until you’re housebound. Not much running there.

  49. “Say this every day : Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is boundless opportunity.” Below me is someone who just took an up-skirt camera shot that’s going to end up on the internet. Thank God I wore nice underwear.

    And above me, btw, is a bird who is aiming to sh*t on my head.

  50. TechyDad said: “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ” So the lesson is to just have two keys in your bunch. This way you will get to the last key quicker. Whatever you do, though, don’t have one key. It will simultaneously be the first key (and thus not work) and the last key (and thus work) and the Universe will implode. You don’t want to end all of existence do you? You do? Will someone please keep all keys away from this person?

    He just invented Schrodinger’s keys.
    I have laughed so hard that I scared all three of my cats into hiding.

  51. “It takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home. ” Edgar Allen Poe would disagree.

    You make me so happy.

  52. Actual Facebook Quote: “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.”

    Because we have to spend years and years in therapy and move and change our name and our hair color and block their number on our cell phone. So really, we’re better off with the ones that just go quickly.

  53. “The best way out of a problem is through it.” Unless that problem is a fire. Then you’re fucked.

    Or you could try going around the problem. Or maybe out the back window. A helicopter?

    “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – I love Jack Handey

  54. “Insanity is when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different result.”

    What about flipping a coin?

  55. Yeah, you should all read thatisntart.com . Jenny, you would love the shit out of that website.

    Here’s a sample: “I miss your smile, but I miss mine more”

    Brilliant effing response: Oh god! You’ve contracted Nonsmileous Painfilious, a horrible disease that prevents infected people from forming a smile by constricting the muscles of the jaw and the nerves in your skull. It’s painful, it’s incurable, and you’ll have to eat mostly soft food for the rest of your life. Unfortunate, but you will learn to deal with this.

    Wait. I just realized I made that disease up. It doesn’t exist. Turns out you can still smile, and it requires little to no effort and you can do it whenever you want. So if you miss your smile, you can just do it right now and you won’t have to miss it any longer.

    Wait. Wait. Wait. I get it. You’re saying that you miss your smile because you’re lonely and sad and so you can’t smile because you’re so depressed you spend all of your time walking at dusk, picking up dead leaves and thinking about smiles and how you don’t see smiles and how you can’t smile. The easy solution here would be to just smile and be done with it.

  56. I always hate these type of sayings…………….you just made them so much better

  57. “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” Maybe the horse wanted a beer. Perhaps a really expensive beer. So quit being a cheap skate.

  58. Hey Jenny,

    I was at the BEA Conference, and I heard you speak twice. It was at the end of your second speech that I spoke with you about my niece, who suffered from a similar illness. As I mentioned then, I would like to send you a complimentary book that she wrote about Depression that helped many people. However, I misplaced the note with your email that you gave me. Will you please let me know your mailing address or email so that I can send the book to you. As I also mentioned, my niece Kate, was an artist, and what makes the book so special is it is over 100 pages of drawings that depicted what she was feeling. It is unique and extraordinary in one that has a happy ending. Fourteen years later, I am happy to say she went onto graduate from college, start a career in art, has authored a second book, and is completely off her meds. Please email me at Patrick@SparkShaughnessy.com

    Thank you for your time in advance. Wish you much success on your new book!
    Spark

    PS My wife grabbed the book the minute I brought it home – she is loving it, and won’t pass it onto me until she finishes it!

  59. “Find something you love to do and you’ll never work a day in your life.” … But unless what you love is ‘being a poor, homeless wretch’, things are going to go downhill pretty fast.

  60. I love these! I’ve been a fan of the “Demotivators” posters for years and co-workers don’t always appreciate them. These quotes make me happy in the same way! 🙂

  61. “The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.”
    Or when you take off your sunglasses after having your eyes dilated.

    “The things that hurt us teach us.”
    But I’m not willing to increase my IQ by putting needles in my eyes.

    “Say this every day: …”
    Sorry, no. Every day is different because repetition is boring. See also “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity.”

    “Our health always seems much more valuable after we lose it.”
    Keep looking – what you seek is always in the last place you look. See also “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.”

    “No one ever drowned in sweat.”
    No one ever drowned in procrastination, either.

    “Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending.”
    Let me know when you come up with an ending that doesn’t include the fact that all living things die.

    “Often he who does too much does too little.”
    Unless he’s handing out money and oral sex AND beer.

    “The early bird catches the worm.”
    But the second mouse gets the cheese.

    “Eagles may soar next to heaven, but snakes don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

  62. “There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all”
    Even monkey. But then you’re just asking for shit to go down when you smile at a monkey. Monkeys hate smiles y’all.

    “A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ”
    And I’ve sure people have tried and have lost many teeth as a result of it. That’s probably the shittiest way to have to break ice.

  63. Now I’m going to go lock the door so that Hope chick can’t get me, and turn on the TV. I don’t have an ice pick, but my knitting needles are pretty sharp…I think I’m ready to face the rest of the day.

  64. Thank you so much, for this. Somehow, half of my Facebook friends have decided to post from the same “inspirational” quotes sources, so my news feed is a constant stream of “Buck up, little camper!” or “Life… UR doin it wrong!” crap. So I love what you did with these quotes. 🙂

  65. The one that makes me mad the most is “Live every day as though it was your last.” Really? Like I should spend all my money and get drunk on a beach somewhere surrounded by pretty girls? What if I don’t die? Wouldn’t my loved one’s be kinda weirded out by a heartfelt goodbye at 9am on the Monday? Who comes up with this shit?

  66. “Dance like nobody is watching.” Don’t worry — everyone dances with knives while wearing clown makeup.

  67. When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”

    This is also how drug addiction works.

    When the world says, “Give up,” Crack whispers, “Try me one more time.”

  68. Thank you. I really WAS missing the rest of those quotes. REALLY. Missing. Bwa ha ha ha.

  69. “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. Why the hell should I? I’ll ignore the lemons and drink my whiskey.

  70. I remember the first time I really read the bible I started in Revelations and then took me a while to ever pick it up again. Yep those four horsemen do sound scary as shit…x <3

  71. “It is amazing how much you can accomplish when it doesn’t matter who gets the credit.” Said someone who has never gotten credit for anything.

  72. Anybody remember Reepacheep? I may be spelling his name wrong, but as a writer, that little literary mouse was the first thing I thought of when I saw the Bloggess’ book (happily) displayed prominently in my local Barnes and Noble!

  73. ““The best way out of a problem is through it.” Unless that problem is a fire. Then you’re fucked.” Best one! The new slogan for the fire prevention week.

  74. Thanks for making me smile. I needed it today. Mondays suck… I actually locked myself out of the house today and left my car keys sitting on the table right by the door. It was crap. But yeah… It’s doing better now.

  75. Of course it’s the last key that opens the lock. Any moron still trying keys after that deserves to be locked out.

  76. I love snarky sarcasm aimed at stupid think-yourself-happy zen philosophies.

    But with the horse and the coachman and choosing majors at college… wouldn’t you want to be the driver if the driver is the one who gets tipped? And not the horse because then you do all the work and don’t get shit? 🙂

  77. “Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise.”

    If I promised all that I can deliver, how can I deliver more, you fucking fucks?

    That Author Unknown guy pisses me off.

  78. “A woman wears her tears like jewelry.” And that same woman eventually learns that “bottle-of-my-own-tears” necklaces make really awkward Christmas gifts.

    “Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.” That person will be your therapist.

  79. “Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad.” author unknown

    but i’m convinced this is really from woody allen.

  80. A smile is a white flag, not a weapon. That’s why men are always asking to see them from women. If it were in any way a weapon, men would be offended by female smiles, just as they are by kicks to the nuts.

    Not witty, I know… but I get irritated by both demands for a smile from total (and usually male) strangers, and by dubious Internet anonymous “wisdom.”

  81. “Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad. ” But the cheap-skate, two-timing loser who knocked me up is late with his child support payment again, so we’re just gonna call him Fuckweed, in case anyone was wondering.

  82. I’m a huge fan of the ever-popular, “Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Or rather, it leaves us with tiny hidden fractures, making it quite easier to kill us in the future.

  83. “Judge not lest ye be judged”… The entire legal system is now fucked. Go steal a horse.

    “Never work with children or animals:”… Really? I say never work with PEOPLE. People are arseholes.

    “Once bitten, twice shy”… Unless you were bitten by a rabid bear. Then you are probably dead, not shy.

    <3

  84. “Kiss me and you will see stars; love me and I will give them to you.” Fuck me and I’ll give you the number to my doctor. He’ll get it all cleared up with some ointment.

  85. “There is no I in team.” But there are two u’s in “Fuck you.”

  86. BwaHahahahahaaaa! Best antidote to the Positive Nazis I have ever come across! THANK YOU!

  87. You had me laughing so hard I had tears running down my face! Thanks for the laugh:) You are so gifted my friend:)

  88. A watched pot never boils….actually it does, as boiling water ALWAYS boils, unless the pot watcher was smoking pot and forgot to turn on the damn stove.
    Too many cooks spoil the broth…pretty sure the fact that it is broth makes it spoiled already. With so many cooks wouldn’t you think they could make something better? Like stew? Or cheesecake?
    Great post.

  89. You should make a “gift book” of all these revised quotes. Best obligatory birthday gift ever!

  90. “Don’t judge a book by its cover” unless it’s Jenny book because Hamlet Von Schnitzel is adorable.

    Finished the book in Mexico. Now reading it aloud to husband!!

  91. This also works for those Dove inserts… we loved it around Valentine’s day…

    For example: “chocolate is your valentine”… because you’re too ugly to have a real valentine, you dog.

    I still haven’t figured out why Dove doesn’t print the whole message…

  92. Treat others how you would like to be treated….unless your a nympho. You might be looking at sexual harassment charges…just saying!

  93. “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” Even while you’re in traction.

  94. “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.” Unless it’s the third one.

  95. “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” Did you see the biceps on the guy in the wheel chair?

  96. A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ” The same thing goes with an ice-pic but you can also murder people with it. I know which one I’d choose in a knife fight.

    Love this! My new favorite quote!

  97. “You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.” If the idea is to stab yourself in the neck with a fork, Happy 1000th Birthday.

  98. Isn’t a horse’s “paid vacation” just a trip to the glue and/or dog food factory? Doesn’t sound too appealing to me. Unless they’re a race horse, of course (of course). In that case, they get sent to “stud”. Their owners get paid for the horse to impregnate lots of female horses in the hopes that the horse’s “run really fast” genes will be passed to his little horse kiddies. (This raises all sorts of uneasy questions about racehorse owners being horse pimps, but that’s another subject for another day.) On the other hand, if the race horse is retiring after a huge string of embarrassing losses, it might just be the glue factory for him again.

    The lesson here is that most horses need better retirement planning.

  99. I got your book, LET’S PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED, for a Father’s Day gift. Laughed out loud a lot, thank you for being you.

  100. You can PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND DEAL WITH IT only so many times. Then the elastic breaks… and you really show your butt.

  101. These are FUN!

    “A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.” Which is why oxycontin is in such high demand.

    “A man is known by the company he avoids.” Yes. He is known as a weird loner, or perhaps a leper.

    “Always imitate the behavior of the winners when you lose.” That way maybe someone will get confused about what team you were on and buy you a beer.

    “Discretion is the better part of valor.” But who the fuck knows what “valor” is anymore? It’s being a good friend to tell your girls just how lousy he was in bed, and “good friend” is a definition EVERYONE knows.

    “Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.” Especially the ones who live in your head.

  102. “Don’t let yourself forget what it was like to be sixteen.” Let the torture live on in your mind forever.

    “An armed society is a polite society.” Just look at Detroit.

  103. Great stuff!! And it’s hard to soar with the eagles when you work with a bunch of turkeys…

  104. “There’s no I in team” but there is in Kill and Bitch as in “I will kill a bitch”.
    “When life gives you lemons make lemonade” but don’t forget to add some booze to make it taste better.

  105. Lee,

    I tried putting on my big girl panties and dealing with it, but then I realized I’m a guy and people started looking at me funny.

  106. OMG, Rebecca’s Coffey’s comment sent me into a fit of gaffaws…”Two u’s in fuck you”…awesome!

  107. Here’s one for you to play with “Why be Average when you can be Awesome” 😀

  108. “No pillow is so soft as God’s promise. ” Unless it’s God’s promise to start the apocalypse and send the four horsemen on your asses.
    —–
    Why would they be on my asses? They’ve got horses!

  109. “The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.” Or because he’s mastered the art of humping. Tails only last work so long and dogs know sex sells.

    “Nobody trips over mountains. Small pebbles cause the stumble. Pass the pebbles, and you’ll have crossed the mountain.” Paul Bunyan would disagree with you. That’s how we ended up with the Grand Canyon. And do you really want to disagree with Paul Bunyan? Let’s be smart about this.

    “I tell you I love you every day for fear that tomorrow isn’t another. ~ author unknown” Wait. “Author unknown”? Whoever wrote this is having a severe personality crisis.

    “Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.” You know, I think there might just be some chemical reactions during sex, too. Happy Belated Father’s Day, genius. I’m sure you’ll be celebrating soon.

  110. I didn’t know boogers wer alive, now I’m afraid of my boogers, I don’t want to piss them off and then they kill me in my sleep!

  111. “Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.”

    What does it say that I failed Chemistry but got an A in Physics?

  112. When life gives you lemons make lemonade… and then get arrested and shut down for selling it without a permit.

  113. “God never gives you more than you can handle.” Even if you die trying. Because then you “handled it” by kicking the bucket. Nice one, god.

  114. Okay okay, Jenny. Touche. Horses don’t care about tips. BUT – they DO sleep standing up. And that is enough discouragement for me to never have any desire to be a horse. 😉

  115. “It is amazing how much you can accomplish when it doesn’t matter who gets the credit.”
    Phhfft. One can accomplish a shit-ton more with an American Express Black Card.

  116. “When the world says, “Give up,”Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”” Because the only true mark of failure is a restraining order.

  117. “It raineth on the Just and the Unjust alike, but then the Unjust steals the Just’s umbrella.”
    Words to live by.

  118. “Don’t wait for people to be friendly, show them how.”
    With a pat on the back. Of the head.

  119. “It is what it is…” Well, except when it isn’t. I mean, It is… what it is, I mean. What I really mean to say, is that I’M NOT FUCKING SAYING ANYTHING. It just is what it is… you know?

  120. your finishing quotes is fabulous, but – wait. “no one ever drowned in their sweat”??? what kind of a fu*king quote is that??? no wonder it was author unknown. we do not want to know the person who said this. it is not profound or smart. no one ever drowned in orange juice either.

  121. “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” unless bird means penis in which case I beg to differ.

  122. Truly funny! You inspired me to write a couple of my own

    “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”….unless it’s Polio

    “You’ve made your bed and now you have to lie in it”…but you were gonna have to lie in it even if you didn’t make it….unless you want to sleep on the floor…or the couch….

  123. Thank you so much for the “two u’s in Fuck You” Blew my rum and Diet Dr. Pepper out of my nose onto my unstolen laptop (sorry to be an asshole, Jenny)

    And my fave is from Ricky Gervais: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger……What about polio?

  124. These are hilarious – LOVED how you managed to slip in the laptop reference.

    That which does not kill us makes us stronger – b/c it makes us so drink so much we can’t feel anything. And it was probably Hope, anyway, so she’ll be back.

  125. “Success is getting up one more time than you fall down.”

    But if you didn’t fall down that last time, what were you doing down there in the first place?

  126. “An armed society is a polite society.” — Unless it’s the Zombie Apocalypse, then who gives a fuck.

  127. “There are many roads to hate, but envy is the shortest of them all”. If you drive a tank down that road, you’ll hit more tourists. Win!

    “Luck is a very good word if you put a P before it”. If you don’t, your fried chicken will taste like shit.

    “A conscience is like a baby. It has to go to sleep before you can”. And you shouldn’t shake it. Or light it on fire. People frown on that.

    “A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams”. A refrigerator box is built out of cardboard, and even that is sturdier than your invisible home.

  128. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Which is totally not true, what doesn’t kill you can maim you for life.

  129. You know, one of these days I’ll realize that reading your blog at work is a bad idea. The only thing worse than having dozens of Japanese transfer students look at you like you’re crazy for laughing is trying to explain a joke to them and having them look at you because you are crazy.

  130. “Pride is the only poison that is good for you when swallowed”…which means it isn’t a poison at all and this quite is irrelevant.

  131. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I life gives you melons…well then you’re probably just dyslexic.

  132. Finally an outlet for all the stupid quotes on Pinterest! Neverending source for this thread. Let’s see, the first one that comes up. Second picture in! Shocking.

    “I don’t have time to hate people who hate me because I’m too busy loving people who love me.” I do however, have time to make up incoherent sentences that need to be re-read four times because I think you’re falling in love with your kidnapper.

    You’re awesome as usual, Ms. Bloggess.

  133. “Everything will be all right in the end. If it’s not all right, then it’s not the end.” If everything’s alright, your ass is about to die.

  134. My favorite quote (the one I hate the most) is “it is what it is.” Well unless it isn’t, of course. I mean… No shit, Captain Obvious! Now I know why that one is anonymous.

  135. Someone had to say it, and since I’m an English professor: it’s Edgar *Allan* Poe. People spelling it Allen or Alan all his life is probably want made him write about blood and death and bloody death.

  136. When the rest of the team has failed, there’s Hope Solo with one more shot to stop.

  137. Brilliant!

    I always hated “Live each day as if it’s your last.” Which is bollocks, frankly. If everyone did that, there’d be way too many people swimming with dolphins and no one would go to work. It would be the apocalypse… Which, would actually would make it everyone’s last day… Hmmm.

  138. Always remember to be happy, because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile.” Because it might be a serial killer and then at least you spent your last few minutes happy. No sense in worrying about Tuesday’s assignment if you’re about to be brutally murdered today.
    I need to cross stitch this as a sign to hang up in my house!

  139. “Find a nicer way to say that… Remember: you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” Although really, if the best advice you can get in the situation is to make either fly candy or fly salad, you should probably just shut your mouth and get out of there, because these people are fucking nuts.

  140. I cannot decide which are my favorites. It is a tie between –

    When the world says, “Give up,”Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.” If it’s that ‘walking through a fire’ thing again Hope is trying to get you killed. She probably has an insurance policy out on you.

    and –

    “There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all” Unless it’s lion language because they’ll think you just bared your teeth at them. And now you’re fatally mauled. Great communication there, asshole.

  141. “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team'”… But there are four in ‘platitude-quoting idiot’

  142. From a card I once gave someone:
    When life hands you lemons… Stick ’em in your bra. Can’t hurt, might help.

    That’s about as true as it gets.

  143. “There’s always more fish in the sea”… and dangerous sharks, venomous jelly fish, clingy squids, and sea cucumbers. Yep, sea cucumbers… dumb as a brick and half as attractive.

  144. “Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.” – Thus explaining why my first boyfriend had a room full of ropes and pulleys and velvet handcuffs.

    “The happiest feeling ever is knowing that a person has all the opportunity to be anywhere in the world. But they choose to be with you” – That’s because you have their passport.

  145. Let a smile be your umbrella. If you don’t mind showing up looking like a drowned rat. If you want to show up looking good, it would be better to let an umbrella be your umbrella.

  146. Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think. – Which is why we should all wear bubble wrap and laugh at ourselves.

  147. “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” No, Marine Corps, pain is a human being leaving your body after the epidural didn’t work.

  148. I feel like there’s an old-fashioned anti-depressant ad in here somewhere. “Life got you down? Try all new Platitudes!”*

    *Platitudes may cause an increase in blood sugar, cavities and irritability. Discuss these issues with your doctor before choosing Platitudes.

  149. I’ve only made it through about 25% of the comments, but I need to leave soon. And a shower would be a good idea first, just as a courtesy to others. I did have to add one of my favorite inspirational sayings that I immediately addended (new word for ya, there):

    If friends were flowers, I’d pick you. i.e I’d KILL you. ‘Cause that’s what happens when you pick a flower – you kill it.

    I’m coming back later to finish reading all the comments. I wish I could “like” each comment. 🙂

  150. I just laughed so hard iced coffee came out my nose (OUCH!) at least it wasn’t hot. However I had to admit I had to think about the horse and coachman comment. But I figured horses probably didn’t like being tipped, like cows, it’s not good for them. And when a coachman is tipped hes probably drunk and fell off his coach and it hurt. I don’t know, it all made sense to me anyway!

  151. The post was hilarious and the comments are just as funny!

    “Dear Past, thank you for all the lessons. Dear Future, I’m ready.” Says the Present: “Yeah, fuck you too. Now pay your damn bills.”

  152. Seriously so funny – I wish I had a clever comment to add but I’m intimidated by your hilarity

  153. “Excuses are like assholes because …” sometimes you REALLY need one!
    “You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but …” you can’t wipe your friends on the back of the couch.

  154. I got cancer in 2009 (I’m ok) and missed about 7 weeks of work, but not all at once (so I couldn’t use short-term disability). So it was 3 weeks recovering from surgery, 2 months at work, 3 weeks doing radiation, back to work, and a day here and there for various dr. visits (don’t get cancer folks… they KILL you with those followups!)

    Aaaanyway, I was pretty stressed out… but I had no PTO saved to take a day off just to unwind. Oddly enough, being REALLY FREAKING SICK doesn’t work the same as chilling on a beach for a week.

    I complained to my boss about this, about being SO stressed out, and just needing some time off to collect myself. He said, “Well you know what they say kiddo. That which does not kill us….”

    I replied, “Uses all our PTO.”

    It works, somehow.

  155. “You stole my heart.” …but that’s okay because I have 7 more in the freezer at home.

  156. “It is amazing how much you can accomplish when it doesn’t matter who gets the credit.” – Some asshole who likes to take credit off of other people’s work without actually doing anything and is just looking for more suckers. Ass.

    -The End

  157. “There is no I in team.” Other words that don’t contain I include aardvark, candelabrum, appendectomy, homeless and breakfast.

  158. the fact that I just saw this quote, “Our health always seems much more valuable after we lose it. ”, and read valuable as vulnerable at least 8 times suggests that I should get my health checked. Or my eyes. Or brain. All of which I feel are umbrella’d under health.

  159. You can only see as far as you think – unless your blind..or brain-dead, then you’re shit outta’ luck

    Life is life an hourglass: when you hit rock bottom, all you have to do is wait it out until someone comes along to turn it back around, just so you can hit rock bottom again, and again, and again…

    If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door, or perhaps opportunity is at the neighbors, they have cookies.

    No one is the reason for your happiness except for yourself… and the inventor of the vibrator.

    Let your dreams become a reality, but be sure to bolt the doors and pull the blinds, because studies show most of our dreams are nightmares.

    If you cannot do great things, do many small things in a great way, because hey, midgets need love too

    Where there’s a will, there’s a way, especially if that will happens to belong to Warren Buffet

    In the end, we just regret the chances we didn’t take, unless it involves unprotected sex with hookers…or sharing needles…

  160. My horse told me to tell you that he gladly accepts tips. Acceptable tips after asking him to haul someone around the training ring are: Green grapes, carrots, a lovely salt block and a nice belly scratch. Also, he told me to tell you he does not need to go to college because he already knows how to open the latch on the gate in the training ring by himself and head back to his stall while you helplessly sit on his back. And he still expects a tip.

  161. This is the most perfect response to these! I’m jealous I didn’t think of them. Now, how do we get them attached to the originals so people stop making memes of them and crudding up my Pinterest feed?

  162. Have I told you lately that you are awesome. Because you made ME giggle uncontrolably. (yeah, I know I spelled that wrong, but lif is to short to care about spelling. Especially Tori. I mean, she’s got a nice family and she can always make some more money doing another reality show. I better stop now…

  163. Ooooh, I hate statements like, “the last key opens the door” or”it’s always the last place you look” well of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?!?

  164. I too knew the guy that was trying to get the beer out of the moving truck. Except we weren’t told what happened to him but it’s easy to put the pieces together with this new info.

    This has been my favorite post/way to postpone my work day so far. Inspirational quotes pop up everywhere and my reaction is has always been “quit telling me what to do”.

  165. “There’s no I in ‘team’.” “And there’s no U in ‘my team’.”
    “There’s no I in ‘team’.” “But there is ‘eat me’ if you’re willing to use an E twice.”

  166. Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock…… Seriously, if you’re the kind of person who keeps putting keys in after you opened the door already, you might as well lock yourself in. You haven’t mastered this skill yet.

  167. ” no one ever drowned in orange juice either.”

    Except for that horrible incident at the orange juice factory!!!

  168. “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ”

    That’s just as stupid as “It’s always in the last place you look.” – no sh#t, Sherlock . . . who the hell finds their keys and then continues to look for them for an additional 20 minutes . . . just to be sure!?!?!??

  169. four horsemen of the apocalypse! Maybe God is bipolar – one day he’s all hugs and kisses handing out loaves of bread and fishes – the next he’s sending down brimstone and hailfire.

  170. I’m pretty sure that unemployed horses all vacation at the glue factory :/

    Also, I think the “unknown author” is unknown so that I won’t track him/her down and simultaneously vomit and beat him/her to a bloody pulp for being so unbelievably ANNOYING!

    I now have a major case of the icks…..ick

  171. Maybe if I had the time to read all the comments I would find the answer to my question, or at least be distracted from it (pretty…shiny…). Sadly, I am way overburdened with work, and too much beer. (Makes promise right here to come back in future downtime to read FABULOUS comments.)
    I am, however, committed (at least) to reading your posts religiously. With that said, I made it as far as the unknown author quote — “No pillow is so soft as God’s promise.” Now I am so lost.

    Since when are we not supposed to use pillows? I’ve heard a lot of whack stuff attributed to God (that one about ‘hating fags’ stuff is Bullshit!), but this Pillow Revelation news to me. We’re supposed to use a promise instead? What the hell is that? Obviously not as comfortable as a real pillow. Why? Am I out of the loop because I don’t attend any sort of Sunday services? Is this some sort of conspiracy? You know, like the one that is being waged against Christmas.

  172. “Jesus died for your sins” – So if you don’t sin, he died for nothing. Now get out there and make that sacrifice count!

  173. It’s “ball-peen hammer”?!?!?!?! WELL, SHITBALLS!!!!!!!!!!! I thought it was BALL-PING HAMMER!!!!! I’m a fucking IDIOT!!!!!!

  174. what about when the horse gets turned into glue? Then, the horse isn’t so happy, but still helpful I suppose

  175. Reading this, I realized everyone forgot one of my favorites-

    “Laughter is the best medicine” but when I’m off my pain meds it hurts to laugh (and breathe)

  176. “Dance like no one else can see you” Except if you are a stripper. Then this theory will make you poor.

  177. Regarding tips and horses. They don’t necessarily like tips. Heck, if you drop a coin on the ground, the big animal might kick you. However, they do like apples and carrots. And, well other stuff. Like horse food.

  178. “That which doesn’t kills us makes us stronger.” Except for knee-capping. And chronic fatigue syndrome. And hell, most other chronic pain/exhaustion diseases.

    “Close only counts in horse shoes.” And nuclear bombs. And hand grenades. And chemical weapons (including mace and pepper spray). So I think the adage should just be changed to, “Avoid being anywhere near the vicinity of weapons of mass destruction and/or protesters. It’s just a bad idea.”

  179. When life hands you lemons . . . cut them open like your about to make lemonade & throw them in the face of the obnoxious fuck that gave them to you. If you get the juice end in their eye, triple word score, bitch!

    P.S. Dana (#112) totally nailed it. Do not, DO NOT tell me to smile you arrogant fucking prick! I had a boss that told me to smile all the time. I smiled all right, I smiled every fucking time I called HR until the dick eventually got fired. Mwahahahaha!!!!!

  180. I can’t believe there’s a bunch of assholes out there ostracizing the illiterate.

  181. “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.” Of course it is, because I am not going to keep trying keys after I’ve got it unlocked. Why the fuck would I do that?

  182. Re the update? I just assumed you were being next level clever and meant the coachman gets “tipped over”… like cow tipping. Its a thing. Seriously.

  183. Further to my last comment… by “thing” i meant “not a thing”. And by “seriously” I meant… erm… ahhh… hmmm.

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