Hi. I’m back. Sort of. I’ve spent most of this week either asleep or at the shrink’s office and it turns out I have severe exhaustion, which did not come as a surprise to my couch because I’ve barely left it. And also because it’s furniture and it’s very difficult to shock furniture. I was give the prescription of “a month off from everything” and after almost a week I’m starting to feel better. I still find it hard to leave the couch but at least now I can sit up rather than just lay down. My friend Elisha was over and just as she was leaving I heard her scream and I went outside to see a giant snake on the front porch hissing and striking at her aggressively. And by “giant” I mean “relatively small with probably tons of brothers and sisters waiting to join in”. But when a snake is hissing at you and shaking its tail it automatically gets classified as huge. This is the math of snakes that weren’t invited onto your porch. So I ran inside, grabbed a shovel and cut it in half but then it kept on coming and Elisha and I were all “WTF?” and the snake was like “Thanks. Now I can move much more fast because now I’m lighter, asshole” and then I screamed like a ninja warrior and cut it up into 4 pieces because that’s what happens when you call me an asshole. You’ve been warned. But the good news is that I found out that I had a secret reserve of emergency snake-murdering energy and that makes me feel like maybe I’ll get through this who exhaustion thing after all.
Anyway, I know almost nothing about snake identification and I know some snake act like vipers as a defense mechanism and I’m hoping that this is a non-venomous faker. If you are or know a herpetologist can you please ID this snake without freaking me out or making me feel guilty? Example “It’s a viper, but they usually just want to lick you. Move out now”…or “It was a harmless snake you just killed but it looked like a real asshole and it was probably Hitler in a former life. Good job killing Hitler.”
Something like that.
Okay, get ready, because here it is:
Here’s a close-up of his head:
Help?