It’s me again.

in Random Crap

Hi.  I’m back.  Sort of.  I’ve spent most of this week either asleep or at the shrink’s office and it turns out I have severe exhaustion, which did not come as a surprise to my couch because I’ve barely left it.  And also because it’s furniture and it’s very difficult to shock furniture.  I was give the prescription of “a month off from everything” and after almost a week I’m starting to feel better.  I still find it hard to leave the couch but at least now I can sit up rather than just lay down.  My friend Elisha was over and just as she was leaving I heard her scream and I went outside to see a giant snake on the front porch hissing and striking at her aggressively.  And by “giant” I mean “relatively small with probably tons of brothers and sisters waiting to join in”.  But when a snake is hissing at you and shaking its tail it automatically gets classified as huge.  This is the math of snakes that weren’t invited onto your porch.  So I ran inside, grabbed a shovel and cut it in half but then it kept on coming and Elisha and I were all “WTF?” and the snake was like “Thanks.  Now I can move much more fast because now I’m lighter, asshole” and then I screamed like a ninja warrior and cut it up into 4 pieces because that’s what happens when you call me an asshole.  You’ve been warned.  But the good news is that I found out that I had a secret reserve of emergency snake-murdering energy and that makes me feel like maybe I’ll get through this who exhaustion thing after all.

Anyway, I know almost nothing about snake identification and I know some snake act like vipers as a defense mechanism and I’m hoping that this is a non-venomous faker.  If you are or know a herpetologist can you please ID this snake without freaking me out or making me feel guilty?  Example “It’s a viper, but they usually just want to lick you.  Move out now”…or “It was a harmless snake you just killed but it looked like a real asshole and it was probably Hitler in a former life.  Good job killing Hitler.”

Something like that.

Okay, get ready, because here it is:

 

This picture is fuzzy because Elisha was screaming.

Here’s a close-up of his head:

This picture is not fuzzy because the snake is dead. Also, he looked a lot less smiley in life, but the smugness was always there. Much like with Hitler.

Help?

614 thoughts on “It’s me again.”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. My friend once dated a guy who said he was a herpetologist, but she caught it anyway. 🙁

    (Glad you’re feeling better, Jenny.)

  5. No venom sacs or triangular head, round eye – I’d say not a viper. But probably a stalwart champion of Akin. So good going.

    Then again, I’m “just” a receptionist, and not an expert.

  11. You should totally put its head on a pike to warn the other smug snakes to back off…or at least ask for an invitation before coming onto your porch.

  12. Oh my lord. You have my sympathy. I’d have been screaming with Elisha and locking the doors.

    Also? He doesn’t look friendly at all. Smug, yes.

  13. Pretty sure that’s an evil smirk. You’d probably be doing the world a favor if you have it taxidermied with a tophat.. maybe an eyepatch.

  15. Please don’t get bed sores. And remember, The Internet loves you.

    Also, that snake is so smiley that it is just BEGGING to be ethically taxidermied. Just sayin.

  20. Looks like a Mongolian Death Worm to me. Google it, you dodged a bullet.

  22. It’s iris is round so it was a non-venomous snake . . . But, It certainly looks evil. Good job defending your friend!

  23. “This picture is not fuzzy because the snake is dead. Also, he looked a lot less smiley in life, but the smugness was always there. Much like with Hitler.”

    Can’t stop laughing. At all.

  24. Looks like a bull snake. Non-venomous faker. But still an asshole, because like a bully it pretends to be dangerous, but really isn’t.

  25. Look at that fucker’s expression. He had it coming.

    I bow to your snake killing skills.

  27. I dont know the exact type your snake is, but I am fairly sure it is not poisonous. The shape of the head and tail are wrong based on everything I was taught, and I was taught by ‘kinfolk from the holler’ :). The tail is usually blunt in poisonous snakes.

  29. My MIL found a scorpion in her house, the only breed of scorpion to TRAVEL IN PACKS. My super wimpy MIL who didn’t let me feed cooked rice to some birds “cause someone might slip on the grain of cooked rice and break a hip” and who calls us over to look at, kill, and identify the exact breed of fly or grat in the house, exclaiming the 1mm mosquito is “3 inches and full of west nile virus” KILLED the scorpion. On her own! And little ol’ me who is not too scared of creepy crawlies, is scared to go over there…I mean the pack of scorpions is down one, what if he has their leader and they are SEEKING REVENGE? I don’t want to be the dead victim. Or what if the one killed HAD BABIES and they are ALL OVER THE HOUSE calling FOR BACK UP?

    Good job on being brave enough to kill the Hitler Snake. I hope HE did NOT travel with a pack of vipers.

  35. You are a brave woman! Much braver than I. I can barely stomach looking at the picture of the dead snake. Partly because he is dead and partly because he is a slimy snake. Ick!

  37. She looks bitey. Look at this way: even if she wasn’t venomous (which she totally was, and probably with thousands of babies that will die without her now, which is a GOOD THING, I SWEAR), she probably would have attacked Juanita Weasel and that’s kind of your livelihood, having taxidermied animals as subject matter for your awesome blog and books (yes, plural!), and if she threatens your livelihood, she’s threatening your ability to provide for your family, so you killed her to protect your daughter. You did it for your daughter, really. And Victor, who should be a LOT more grateful than he is.

    They should actually throw you a party. You saved their lives and their way of life…

  39. OMG you are amazing. I hate snakes well more like I am afraid of them. I am so afraid of them I have nightmares and then I am paralyzed by the nightmares. It really is no bueno. I hope you start to feel better.

  40. Dude, that not-being-able-to-get-off-the-couch thing . . . that’s been me the past several weeks. At least, though, you now have the benefit of catharsis, courtesy of Hitler the Snake. (Also, I just started reading your book and can no longer take it out in public because I laugh hysterically and disturb the people around me)

  41. Kinda looks like a chicken/rat snake. They are non-venomous, but I have a general agreement with the snakes where we live (Northeast Texas), you stay out of my yard and in the pasture I will leave you alone, you come in my yard its open season on snakes.

  42. my co-worker, who did once move out of a house because of a snake, says it looks like a “rat snake” and reminds us that the only good snake is a dead snake.

  43. Looks like a killer to me, so you very clearly saved Elisha’s life. Does this mean she has to be your servant until she does something to save you like on the Brady Bunch because that would be kinda cool, at least to start.

  46. From wikipedia about bull snakes “When threatened by anything as large as a human, a bullsnake’s primary defense is to rear up and make it look as large as possible. They typically then begin lunging and backtracking at the same time in order to escape.” asshole

  47. I cannot identify the snake, but I can confirm (as someone else said) it is not a pit viper. So, we’ve already ruled out one group of poisonous snakes! In KY, all the poisonous snakes are pit vipers, so I’ve only learned how to id poisonous or not based on whether it’s a pit viper.

  48. Not a herpetologist, just a snake owner/enthusiast/vet tech, and with those two pictures I can confirn that yes, that is a snake, and yes, attempting to handle any wildlife untrained is a bad idea, so don’t feel guilty over shovel tactics. Any pics of the markings on its back?

  49. I’ve always heard that venomous snakes have cat-eye-like slits in their eyes, but I can never figure out how the f#ck I’m supposed to get close enough to a snake to see its damn eyes without finding out from its actual bite that it’s poisonous. So I vote this snake non-venomous, but still gloriously dead. Well done!

  50. That, My dear, is a rat snake. They are known to mimic rattlers as a defense mechanism, and they are pretty aggressive (I think it is Napoleon complex), however, they are non venomous. I have been bitten by them several times, and while the big one hurt, they are not scary hurt-y. Just sort of like being bitten by a goose. They are really good to have around your property though, because they eat varmints. I hope I have helped. 🙂 Feel better soon, pretty spirit guide!

  51. I don’t have any idea what kind of snake it is. A death-worthy one is all I know.
    But, identification aside, may I just say that my FAVOURITE part is that you stopped to take a picture BEFORE rescuing your friend? I so much love that about you! Please be my friend … but perhaps a better friend than to Elisha. 😉

  52. HOLY CRAP BALLS… Seriously though? the only good snake is a dead snake… preferrably made into shoes or a purse or something so GREAT JOB!!! Kudos to you!!!

    As for shocking furniture, I respectfully disagree. I think it is easy to shock furniture but we just don’t know they are shocked because they don’t talk and can’t make facial expressions… much like Kristen Stewart.

  53. According to Google (expert at all things) it kinda looks like a Western Coachwhip (or Red Racer) and they are not venomous, but total assholes. They are the equivalent to that drunk at the bar that just won’t stop picking a fight.

  55. Bizarre that my daughter and I were at Petsmart last night and she showed me the corn snake. Head looks similar to Hitler here. Round eye, smiley but not dead.
    I vote corn snake.

  56. The cure for exhaustion is… new snake skin boots!

    Or if it’s not quite big enough to make boots with…

    Snakeskin ballet flats*

    *not for actual ballet use, because we are a sedentary lot

    Or you could just taxidermy it. But I vote for a Red Dress Accessories made of snakeskin!

  58. A rose by any other name may still smell as sweet but a snake is a snake is a snake. I feel safer because of you and I don’t even HAVE a porch.

  59. Who chops a snake? I mean, really. Isn’t that like pulling a leg off a spider? I would pass out.

    Pass. OUT.

    Yey Canada. Land of the non-poisonous, only slightly scary things.

  61. I once came home to a giant (for reals giant 6 foot) python on my front porch all curled up for a nap… It was a apartment and I only had one way in. I had to jump the snake to get into my house to call animal control.

  62. Looks like a brown snake. Not harmful but will be all up in your face if it feels cornered.

  64. No idea what sort of snake it is, and searching Google images has just entirely freaked me out so I’m going to give up looking. But definitely could have been Hitler, or maybe even Stalin.

  67. It’s the basilisk and it belongs up on the shelf next to Hermione & Ron Weasely.

    http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://images.wikia.com/harrypotter/images/9/92/Basilisk.jpg&imgrefurl=http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/File:Basilisk.jpg&h=326&w=478&sz=37&tbnid=–pTtiZA8-d8-M:&tbnh=90&tbnw=132&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dharry%2Bpotter%2Bsnake%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=harry+potter+snake&usg=__9JSuge9FYGbzqqFVSGcKIzQgI7s=&docid=O03zlO2JPHAYIM&sa=X&ei=JNM3UPLmGYax6AHT54DQCw&ved=0CGEQ9QEwCg&dur=2531

  68. I agree that it looks like Texas Brown Snake (based solely on the link above.) Non-venomous but known to be assholes. So you did well.

    A true friend is one who will beat a snake to death while her friend screams.

  69. 1. Round eye means not poisonous.

    2. It is obvious to anyone who knows you or has read your stuff that you have an inexhaustible reserve of badass. YOU may forget it every once in awhile, but it’s always there. Exhaustion or no exhaustion. You can’t take the badass out of Jenny.

    3. If you want to go the whole spiritual route, snakes are all about transformation. If a snake appears to you (or tries to kill your friend on your porch like she was an East European Jew – sorry, you started it), it is a reminder to shed what is no longer serving you and emerge proudly into your new skin. Rather applicable after the week you’ve had, eh?

  70. WOW, NY Times best selling writer and snake conqueror all in one. Building an impressive resume there.
    And as far as I am concerned ALL snakes on the porch, in the yard, or any that may come around/in my house should be shoveled immediately and with extreme prejudice!!

  71. Venomous or not, I say better safe than sorry where snakes (and large spiders and scorpions….and sharks) are concerned. Excellent work 🙂

  72. That was the Southern Dicksnake, which has the Latin name “Doucheivious Assholeicus Snakicus.” It’s good you killed him because those snakes are TOOLS.

  73. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t poisonous, but he looked like a douche. I bet he thinks that personhood starts at kissing. Way to go!

  75. Well it is not a rattle snake or a coral snake. I don’t know enough to excluded a cottonmouth. Doesn’t look like a hognose, but while venomous, not so to people unless you stick your finger down their throat to try and get bit.

    Could you string it back together and put a ruler beside it? Also open its mouth, carefully with a stick or fork and check for fangs?

  76. I don’t see a heat sensing pit, so *probably* non-venomous. But it doesn’t even matter – once they act like they’ll strike, AND they are on your PORCH, it’s time to go Samuel L. Jackson on it. Good for you! 🙂

  77. Reason 101 I do not live in texas … wow! Although I was driving around the lake one time… and a rattler was in the middle of the road, I actually straddled it with my car to avoid mooshing it, as I did feel I was in its home, not it in mine….. and it coiled up and struck at my tires, I kid you not, I reversed and let the kids get a good look at it, so they would always know what to look for…

  78. Doesn’t look poisonous, given that he had round pupils. But isn’t that what they always say about the serial killer/rapist/pedophile? “But he looked so nice! I never suspected he had a meth lab in his basement and force fed drugs to babies which he sold on the black market. He seemed so normal!”

  79. A snake is a snake is a snake. Venom or no, I hate them all and wish them very dead. Good job!

  80. An unbelievably funny, charming, successful woman allows herself to be human in front of her fans. What an inspiration – seriously.

    If it’s any consolation, one of my stories went viral – and now I’m known all over the Internet as “Fart Girl.” Not exactly the Oprah debut I was hoping for.

    The only thing that would make that nickname worth it is if the story makes you laugh. Hope that doesn’t come off like a shameless plug. Get REST – We’ll all be here when you come back 😀

    http://hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny/

  81. Non-venomous. You can tell because the pupils are round and not cat-like ovals.

  83. I wouldn’t read too much into the smile. There are pictures of Hitler smiling but that didn’t make him any less of a raging asshole. In fact, this may be even more proof that you killed Hitler.

  84. You know, we don’t get to kill other humans who are assholes with shovels like EVER, so at least you got to kill SOMETHING in the name of all of us suffering from the humanoid assholes in our lives. Good on you.
    Your Daddy is gonna stuff him for you, right?

  85. I love you!! You are awesome 🙂 I have no idea what in the hell kinda snake that is other than scary!
    You totally reminded me of the time we had a snake at my grandpa’s place in Florida and my uncle went all ninja on it and did exactly what you did! I still have pictures of it. By the way, I am glad you are feeling a bit better and I wish you a speedy recovery. You are so awesome!!! **hugs**

  88. It could be a juvenile Coluber constrictor, also known as Eastern Yellow-bellied Racer. They’re non-venomous, and mainly feed on frogs and mice. Sorry; you killed a harmless creature.

    Well, harmless and harmless.. If cornered they can become very aggressive, and give some repeated painful bites.

  89. I would totally buy a shirt that said “I have a secret reserve of emergency snake-murdering energy.” And I would wear it whenever I needed to remind myself that bas-ass-itude lurks inside us all, myself included. For now, writing it on a post-it and sticking it on the fridge.

    You’re awesome; get lots of rest and watch lots of bad TV.

  90. From the headshot, it’s nonvenomous.

    I’m not an expert, but it sounds like a coachwhip, although they are incredibly fast and super hard to catch, so maybe not. If it was, it was a baby. They get big, and they are aggressive. When they attack, they aim for your eyes because they are badass motherfuckers. One time, my TA in college caught one and it knocked his sunglasses off. They are nonvenomous.

    I’m sad he’s dead. 🙁 If I was a snake, I would totally be a coachwhip.

    I’ve heard Texas rat snakes are also pretty aggressive, so it could be that. Nonvenomous as well.

  92. holy crap! BRENDA who posted at 1:24pm on 8/24 – YOU ARE AWESOME. my GOD I haven’t heard that song in FOR. EVER.

    good job killing Hitler, Jenn

  93. If that snake wasn’t Hitler, then at least it was Himmler.

    Good job killing the evil snake.

  94. I love snakes, I had a pet snake for several years, but I’m still not cool with snakes coming uninvited onto/into my house! It’s like if your Great-Aunt Mildred suddenly showed up on your porch and started hissing and lunging at you – you’d totally be justified in wanting her cut in half, too, even if she’s not poisonous either.

  95. yes, I thought I saw on E Hollywood News that you were whisked to the hospital suffering from extreme exhaustion 😉

  96. I’m pretty sure you killed Voldemort and earned a few points for Griffendor. Fortunately, the oval head and lack of brow ridges indicates he wasn’t poisonous. Just pure evil.

  98. Uh, I think I dated him… back in the ’80’s. He WAS an asshole. I appreciate your chopping him to bits for me.
    Well done. 🙂

  100. You are a brave warrior. You not only left the couch, but you killed Hitler. Quick, somebody get this girl a Medal of Honor! I’m pretty sure that’s why we HAVE Medals of Honor.

  101. I have a deal with the critters in my neighborhood. The deal is, stay away from me and my family or you die. That snake clearly crossed the line and deserves what he got.

  102. I’m not afraid of snakes in general, but I’m pretty sure if one was actively striking at me and calling me an asshole I would not have the cajones to cut that smug little jerk into 4 pieces. That’s a mighty middle finger you just threw nature. Bravo ma’am.

  104. It looks like a young black racer. They keep their coloring and markings for about two years before turning black. They are aggressive, but non-venomous. I know this because my cats found one the other day and I turned to the Google Herpetologist to find out what it was. Surprisingly, the internet wants no liability in identifying snakes.

  105. WTF???? I HAVE SPENT THE LAST 3 HOURS DRAWING BEONCE CHICKEN TO USE ON MY BLOG BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO DISTURB YOU BY ASKING YOU IF I COULD USE A PICTURE BECAUSE YOU ARE suposed TO BE recouperating..(that is the thing,right? if someone pisses you off when you are in capitals? You go ‘not capitals’??) & I have totally used the paper doll bloggess to hang my creations on….SNAKE MURDERER!!!

  106. I am sorry you had to undergo fascist snake attacks to find it, but congratulations on finding your dictator-murdering reserves! Sometimes just knowing that there is more energy quietly waiting in reserve is enough to get me through tough times.

  107. It’s not a black snake. That much I can swear too. You can tell by the absence of black on it. Of course it could be a black snake who has given up being all moody and goth and decided to try a new look for a day. That’ll teach goths to cheer the fuck up.

  109. I generally don’t mind snakes, but that last smiley picture scared the pee out of me. It may haunt me. 🙁 And the funk seems to be going around BIG TIME. We’ve all had it. Sorry you’ve got it too. Glad you’re taking the much needed break. And your doctor sounds like a genius. Can I see him too and have him tell me to get rid of my overwhelming, paralysis inducing to do list for a whole month?

    Glad you’re still posting BTW.

  110. Umm I would have to go with…definitely an asshole with a smug complex. You saved Elisha and that in itself makes it ok, plus it was an asshole snake which is a bonus! Yup, I agree, you should have it stuffed and name him Adolf.

  111. I’m assuming you will duct tape it back together, dress it in a snazzy outfit (or perhaps give it a Hitler mustache?), and name, right? Right?!

  112. Regardless of what type it was, you should mount it on a pike as a warning to future invading snakes.

  115. I can totally picture that snake wearing a fancy blue bonnet. With ruffles. And alive, bitey snakes generally don’t go for that sort of thing, so I think you totally made the right call.

  116. I think the snake was a sign that it’s not time to get off the couch yet? But holy SHIT way to kick snake-ass (if snakes have asses).

    I do think that smily face would be a great addition to your collection, though…if it’s even possible to ethically taxidermy a snake. (Is it “taxiderm” when it’s a verb? I have no idea).

  117. Youall who think it’s safe if a snake has round eyes – you should be aware that coral snakes have round eyes. Also, that rule does not hold if you go abroad.

    More important though, I am a fan of snakes and have worked with them – but, guys, the best advice is don’t get close enough to a wild snake to see what its pupils look like, OK?

  119. I am impressed with your speedy reaction. If it had been me I would’ve gone out the back door
    But if it was a grasshopper outside the door I would be holed up for days.
    At least yours had the possibility of killing you. We all have our strengths.

  120. Wait. I’m supposed to get close enough to see its iris to determine if the snake about to lunge is venomous? Yeah, no thanks. I’m running for the shovel, too. You are one bad-ass snake killer.

  121. Didn’t Dr. Who teach us that you should put Hitler in the closet? Although I feel like he could have also supported chopping him into 4 pieces.

  122. Hey Asshole! Way to go! (I live on the wild side)

    Also would you please take as much time as you need, we will all still be here when you feel better. I mean, what else do we have to do?

  123. Based on this website
    http://www.austinreptileservice.net/blotches.html
    Looks like a chicken snake/rat snake or a prarie kingsnake.
    Good thing to note, his pupils are round not diamond like. That generally means non-venomous. Not that you would be checking before killing, but just saying, Miss Baddass Snakekiller.
    Great job by the way. Elisha owes her life to you. And maybe some whiskey.

  124. I bow to your awesomeness. There is no way I would have had the mental wherewithal to grab a shovel and chop up a clearly evil, dirty rotten up to no good snake that was trying a bold home invasion in the middle of the day. Instead I would be in the corner hugging my knees and rocking back and forth because I had just shoved my friend out the door to distract the snake. One of us would have to take one for the team, and I would promise to take care of her children for her sacrifice.

  125. OK, so I’m thinking it wasn’t poisonous– because it doesn’t have the jaws or the fangs, from what I can tell. But, it totally looks like an asshole snake with a smug look, and totally, it would fall on the wrong side of the whole ‘legitimate rape’ debate, therefore, we can still say it was ‘venomous’.

  126. I think I love you. I would fully run, knees up, top speed, screaming like a banshee calling for someone else to kill it.
    YOU KICK ASS.

    or snake. whatever.

  127. My favorite website of how to identify snakes – if it smiles, it’s friendly, if it looks angry, it’s venomous. Hard science right there.

  129. Not a viper. Resembles a rat snake (named so because it eats rats), but I can’t clearly see enough to do a full taxonomy on it.

    It just wanted to say hi to y’all.

  131. 1. As someone from a land where there aren’t many snakes waiting to get at me from my doorstep (Pittsburgh, PA), I can say that a snake is a snake is a HOLY-SHIT-THATS-A-BIG-SNAKE. Now I’m going to have nightmares about a snake that, when cut into two, still comes after me. Yikes.

    2. Feel better, Bloggess!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  134. I say Coachwhip. They are feisty snakes with big teeth that can grow up to seven feet long. They are also the fastest non-venomous snake and will eat anything they can swallow. I’m guessing if this one had grown to seven feet then it would have been capable of swallowing a baby. So you just saved a baby. Perhaps multiple babies. You’re a hero!

  135. Even if it wasn’t venomous it was probably all bitey. Which still hurts… alot. Victor should be glad you saved him from a bitey snake. You should probably get a reward out of this. Like cookies.

  136. How is it that we’ve gotten to almost 120 comments and NO ONE HAS ASKED if you were just tired of that mothereffin’ snake on your mothereffin’ porch?

    I’d use the whole f-bomb but I’m at work and I think the internet filter is catching on to me.

  137. I LOVE that you took the time to snap a photo BEFORE moving in for the kill. The mark of a true professional.

  139. So entertaining all of us doesn’t count as work that you are not supposed to be doing? We will still be here if you take a month off.

  140. Oh my Christ! Just looking at those pictures made my eyes water. I moved to the burbs from the city about a year ago and now I am in constant fear of stepping on a snake. You are a brave woman! Hope you’re able to keep resting up; hang in there, Jenny.

  141. >> Yumi August 24, 2012 at 1:18 pm
    That snake totally has a jerky look about him. <<

    This totally made me think about snake jerky. Mmmmm….

    A viper came to -my- house once, but he was only there to… wait for it… vipe the vindows. (sorry)

    Glad to hear you're feeling better! I look forward to reading your book soon; I'm on my library's waiting list to check it out (I've been "broke" for so long I've forgot the feel of money, but I'll buy it someday, I promise). I should be getting it soon – I'm up to number 9 on the list, after starting somewhere in the 50's…

    😉

  142. Glad to hear you are feeling better Jenny! And I don’t care what kind of snake it is, if it came calling on my doorstep, I’d kill it too; garden snakes are just as big of assholes as the poison kind. That’s what they get for not disowning their evil family.

  143. Poisonous or not it was going to bite one of you. I consider that dangerous, so props on killing that Texas death worm!

  145. scary!! Hey I am reading your book and LOVING it!! bTW, I have the same pregnancy issue as you. No full term pregnancy yet after 8 years, but we just adopted…so YES I have a baby now!!!

  147. Jenny – i love you for killing this snake – i hate all snakes…

    And frankly, i don’t ever plan on being close enough to a snake to see if its eyes are round or not…. But all of you that know the difference – kudos to you…

  149. Like others said, it’s head isn’t the right shape to have venom sacks, and no rattle or anything. Sounds like a crazy faker snake. He is cute though. I love the ones with the big round eyes. OTOH, that’s way less cute when it’s hissing and biting you.

  150. Wow! While I would not want to get so close as to check the pupils, that is a very poor way to determine if the snake is venomous. Coral snakes have round pupils, but are colorful – “Red on yellow, kill a fellow; Red on black, friend of Jack” Cobras also have round pupils. In the US, native nonvenomous snakes mostly have round pupils. So if it is not a Coral snake and has round pupils, you are safe; unless there is an escape cobra or Fierce snake, etc. Remember there have been escaped monkeys in her area, or was it an ape.

  152. I am going with others saying it is a Texas Brown snake. I first wrote brown snake and my friend had to smugly point out that everyone can tell it is a brown snake (versus a yellow snake). It is a breed people, just no one cared that much to give it an interesting name – like Western milkweed slimy snake or something clever.

    But I will leave you with a peice of very helpful advice my Grandpa told me years ago – Not all snakes are poisonous, but all snakes bite, so kill them.

    Feel better Jenny!!

  153. Firstly, a poisonous snake, at least in Texas, has a triangular head with jaws that stick out on the side from their neck.

    Secondly, we have a weekend place near Meridian, TX. We had a rattlesnake living in the barn (whose discovery upset some big beefy appliance delivery manly men). My son killed it, cut the head off and put the dead snake in a tree so his dogs wouldn’t eat it. He came back a couple of hours later and cut the snake up to grill it (I raised him better than that!). When he took the heart out it was still beating. CREEPY!!

  154. One of many reasons I live in Alaska. Sure, it gets cold enough to freeze your eyelids together, but at least we don’t have snakes!

  156. i have learned something. and that is herpe-tologist. i think i called *someone that one time and it wasn’t because he knew snakes (well, possibly he knew ONE snake – but, not very well because i still called him “herpe-tologist). i am no professional, but that there looks like a texas rat snake. they are good for killing rats which we hate more than snakes so we let them live. they can imitate a rattler really well (and hitler). so, good kill?

  159. Well, I can honestly say that if I was not having a “bout of exhaustion” before the snake, I definitely would be after seeing it! And by “bout of exhaustion” I mean I would have to be committed. And probably given CPR.
    Off to finish my anxiety attack from the pictures now!

  161. no idea what kind of snake it is .. but I agree with the majority that if it’s aggressive, it belongs in the dead category.

  162. Believe it or not, but this WAS an Asshole Snake. So named because they like warm dark spaces to sleep. (i.e. assholes) They like to sneak up on their victims while they are sleeping, and you were spending a lot of time on your couch….

  164. By the look of that smile it was the snake that was an asshole. You should be rewarded with a wine slushie.

  165. Just wanted to thank you for never failing to cheer me up, even on days like today when I have super creepy lunch dates.

    I’m glad you killed that asshole snake.

  166. I don’t care if he was a “nice” snake (if there is such a thing) – the only thing to do when you see a snake is to kill that motherfucker. Good job!

  167. BWAAHAHAHAAA!!!!! SNEAKY SNAKE!!!! I was just talking about that song yesterday!!!

  168. I like snakes, but I stay away from them, and if one tried to bite me, I would shovel murder it too. Just saying.
    So Sara, comment 89, said you should make a shirt that says “I have a secret reserve of emergency snake-murdering energy.”
    Do it. I will buy it.
    I wrote it on my fridge with dry erase marker. I know my husband will come home and go WHAT. THE. FUCK. ???? which makes it all the sweeter.

  169. i’m glad i don’t have poisonous snakes up here in MN, but now want to keep a shovel in the house, in case they migrate

  170. Don’t care. It’s a snake, and any trespassing snakes Need. To. Die. Kind of like the unsolicited solicitors who come knocking at my door. Go Jenny!

  171. I’m glad your back. But not with snake pictures, seriously, I know you warned us about the snake photo, I was expecting the first one, but not the second close up! Uncalled for! No one needs to see that.

  172. First: OH MY GOD!!! MOTHER FUCKING SNAKE! RUN!!!

    Second: It’s not a viper. The shape of the head is an oval. Vipers have a triangular shaped head. But. All snakes are fucking EVIL so you killed evil. Good on you.

  173. And forgot to mention I am not at all surprised you are suffering from exhaustion – you have been on a major book signing tour. VERY VERY glad you are resting and starting to feel somewhat better. You only have a few days before Dr. Who starts again.

    Now back onto the snake thing.
    I think you and this guy ( link below) should hang together and rid the world of exhaustion and asshole snakes.
    And Hitler reincarnations, and the 8 hour workday.

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/48764174/ns/world_news-south_and_central_asia/#.UDfZyKMuvjI

  174. I actually have three snakes, but if I saw that thing on my front porch — I wouldn’t kill it because I’d be too busy shitting myself and trying to dial 911.

    Not venomous though from the shape of the head and stuff — probably a rat snake or something in that family, I believe the technical name is “fascista hitlerus getoffmahfrontporchus”

  178. Yikes….looks like a rattler to me, but what to I know from snakes? Other than, yeah you for taking charge and bet you ran on that adrenaline for days! Maybe it was divine providence (or whatever) giving you a situation where you were able to activate to bodies own crack! Cheers….

  179. Actually, they have just recruited a lot of wild animals to work for UNICEF in Texa. Probably when your friend opened the door he did not have time to hiss out …KNOCK, KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER UNICEF before you killed him. Look around the yard there is probably a tiny carton with UNICEF written on it. If a Wolf comes to your door…kill it…UNICEF did not recruit any Wolves because they have a reputation for fucking with Grandma…and no one likes that kind of shit.

  180. Kudos on the bravery!! I attempted the same action after a slithering beast stretched across my walk just after my daughter had walked past. Sadly, after donning waste high rubber boots and armed with a shovel, I merely threw it at the bastard as I ran away screaming. I felt like such a sissy.

  181. OH my lord. Got me shuddering, just looking at it’s head. I’m glad for your sake you were able to kill it, but if it was a rat snake like someone else mentioned, it might have been better to not. But you can’t change that now! I’m interested to know more about the cut-in-half-yet-still-chasing-you bit.

  182. A friend of mine is a reptile expert and he says it’s a coachwhip. Non-venemous. He loves snakes, so he wants me to make you feel guilty, but I understand why you were scared. The snake was probably a total douche.

  183. Even if it wasn’t venomous, it obviously had rabies, so you did the right thing. Yes, I’m telling my self that snakes with rabies is a “thing”.

    Also, I like to imagine you saying “NO MORE MUTHAFUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MUTHAFUCKING PORCH!!”

  184. You are absolutely amazing. I got freaked out just looking at the pictures. Hope you feel better.

  185. What if Hitler reincarnated to serve humanity by eating mice? Do you think the Hitler snake will come back the next life with good karma?

  186. Oh yeah, had a snake in the garden once and even though it was perfectly harmless, I panicked. The boyfriend cut the head off with a shovel, the head turned to me and charged! Scary-ass shit. Who knew snake heads could still attack with no body? BF then hurled the snake head, via the shovel, into the woods. We saw it the next day at the edge of our backyard. I’m hoping another animal tried to eat it but dropped it there as opposed to the idea that it continued to propel it’s body-less self into my yard from the woods. I’m such a snake whimp and that didn’t make it better.

  187. my picture didn’t come through. Man. No one has any love for snake facial hair stylings.

  188. My dear friend in Tucson AZ is in fact a Herpetologist (an MS in Herps no less). I have forwarded this hilarious post to her in the hopes that she can ID your very definitely NON-venomous snake. I only say this b/c hello? He has no evil fangs, only an evil smile. Also, I am shocked at how many of your readers are freaked out about snakes. I am left feeling saddened by this, since snakes are awesome. Ask anyone. Especially Herpetologists. I’ll report back her Dx, assuming she gets back to me, b/c technologically savvy she is not. XO

  189. BLAGH! I’m getting freaked out just by the pictures. Scary, freaky snake head. You totally rocked. Now go have a margarita and some nachos to celebrate your badassitude.
    You go, girl.

  190. I suggest you have him stuffed and sewn back together. Just imagine the hats and clothes he could wear. Call the taxidemist NOW!

  192. Billy the Expterminator says cat eyes – poisonous. Round = not.

    You were safe.

    But, still, uninvited snakes have it coming.

  193. There are different degrees to shocking furniture.
    With the exception of when I lean back (which it hates), my chair is never shocked. The table was a bit shocked during my ‘spread out the drugs on the table’ years, now it only gets slightly nervous if I come near it with a meat cleaver sans cutting board. I’m too staid for my sofa, although I think it’s rather shocked sometimes at how bad my son’s feet smell. And most unfortunately, my marital bed hasn’t been shocked in a long, long time.
    Sleep well and long.

  194. Screw Hitler. Think “Biblical”. NEED I REMIND YOU WHAT HAPPENED TO EVE?!!!?
    Way to dodge a bullet and save your friend’s SOUL, Bloggess. Sheesh.

  195. You are bad-ass. I love you. You murdered a snake, and even if it wasn’t Hitler reincarnated, it had it coming. Snakes are the only thing I’m really, truly frightened of. Me and lizards? No issue. Lose the legs and I lose my nerve. I had to hold my boyfriend’s hand and close my eyes to walk past a snake at the zoo last weekend. No joke.

    I’m happy to know that if I ever visited you, you’d protect me from snakes. Of course, I’d die from a heartattack when one lunged at me, but it’s the thought that counts, you know?

  196. Last week was a bad week for snakes. My nieces and nephews were swimming in the pool and a humongous snake (okay, MAYBE 4 or 5 inches, but it had a ‘tude) swims out from the filter opening on the side of the pool. Clearly, a stealth snake which is among the very worst kinds. The kids levitated out of the water while I grabbed the giant fish net thingie and scooped it out, holding it captive while my friend went screaming for her husband to come kill it. He decapitated it with a snow shovel. Which goes to show you why you should own a snow shovel even in Atlanta. Wait a minute. What happened to my point? Oh yes, YAY Jenny!

  197. I’d have ushered her back in and drank vodka until the snake went away.

    Also, I love that you keep a shovel IN THE HOUSE. You should mount it close to the door for easy access.

  198. I think if a snake wants to appear all scary and attack-y, he kinda deserves a scared attack response. I’m all for live and let live when it comes to snakes, but if you’re gonna come on my porch and terrorize my friends, you have to deal with the consequences. I hope it was Hitler, asshole. You go!

  200. You make me smile. My mother used to run over, back up, and run over snakes in the road – or while she was mowing the lawn……….

  201. I know little about snakes, venomous or otherwise — no toxic snakes in MN or WI, where I have always lived — but I am impressed that you took a photo of the snake before you killed it.

  202. Thank you for the “here it comes” warning so I could close my eyes and scroll past the picture to read a few comments. So, I guess it goes without saying that I have no idea what kind of snake it is, but you are the bravest girl I know!! I would have been running for the high ground (inside, of course) because this (Dallas) Texas girl does NOT do snakes.

  203. I’m sitting here laughing hysterically because YOU STOPPED TO TAKE A PICTURE before saving your friend. *has tears of laughter running down my face*

  206. I have to admit I am laughing just as hard at some of the comments. Not only are you a hilarious killer of snakes, your friends are also very witty! Good going on killing Hitler Snake.

  208. This is why you should come live in Seattle. I haven’t had to kill a snake in all the time I’ve been here.

  209. Bonny had it right, it’s a bull nose snake. We had one earlier this year. I have some nasty pics if you’d like to see more 🙁 They like to go all cobra on ya. And they have a thick skin, it was kinda hard to cut it apart. And yes, still continued to come at us. UGH. We did read that although non-venomous, it has a very painful bite, and with 4 boys that could have been bit, we felt justified in killing it.

  210. So we’re supposed to look at a snake’s eyes to know if it’s venomous? That’s pretty hard to do when standing on a chair, screaming, with your own eyes closed, which is where i would be if there was a snake anywhere in the vicinity.

    Hope you are feeling better. Take it easy, if the wildlife allows it.

  212. these comments crack me up as much or more than the original post. Love what Bree posted about how the hell am I supposed to tell what the shape of eyes are…I was thinking the same thing.

  213. Well… I know about as much as you do about snakes. That being said, it was totally a viper. And it was practically begging to be chopped in 1/4ths, with a shovel, by an incredible badass. I mean, look how happy you made him. He’s like a suicide bomber, he probably has 99 virgin-smiley-vipers waiting for him in snake heaven or something.

    He is totally thanking you right now, for fulfilling his life’s destiny.

  214. Way to think fast! Im not a huge fan of snakes, so one less wont bother me. You will forever be a hero to me, well, you already were, but this is another notch! I hope that soon you can get off the sofa completely.

  216. That’s a rat snake. *shudder* I get them around my house all the time because I apparently live on a wildlife refuge known as MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, TEXAS. At least it wasn’t a copperhead or water moccassin or a rattlesnake. Because there’s nothing like walking outside onto your front porch to enjoy some sweet tea in the glorious afternoon heat and stepping over a rattlesnake. Texas – forcing it’s inhabitants to be ever vigilant of things that will kill you since forever.

  217. Be careful. In my state it is actually illegal to kill a non-venemous snake.

  218. Not venomous but the rule around here is once it crosses the threshold it becomes vermin and must be destroyed. You done good. Rest up and feel better soon.

  220. My only question for you is, why are you not having it stuffed and dressed up with a Hitler mustache?

  221. So in general, your readers are correct. Vipers, aka pit vipers, have triangular head and up&down slits for pupils. Wikipedia has a nice description. Vipers are the most common type of venomous snake in the US. The other common type are coral snakes, which have round pupils and in the US, are red-yellow-black-yellow-red striped. (remember red on yellow kills a fellow.) However, I am not sure how far outside Mexico you are. Or if your neighbors import (illegaly) snakes as pets. The coral snake rules for which are venomous do not apply to non-US snakes…some of them aren’t even striped!

    Trust me, I’m a toxicologist.

  222. That is almsot certainly a kind of racer – I’d guess either a young black racer or a red racer. Either way it was a juevenile until it’s life was tragically and prematuraly ended 🙂 They are nasty little snakes that are very aggressive, but they aren’t poisoness and are consiered harmless to humans. I once had a really cute one about 6 inches long attempt to chase me out of a trench. I couldn’t help but laugh.

    I suppose it could also be a coachwhip which are pretty similar looking, but it really looks like a racer to me. Certainly not a rat snake or brown snake like so many others are guessing.

    *note, I’m not a herpetologist though I considerired becoming one. I’m just a guy who caught every snake it was possible to catch while growing up in the Texas Hillcountry (especially the bitey ones – I brought those home to mom *wasn’t amused*)

  223. I am so sorry to hear of your exhaustion issues. I have struggled there too. I am super duper glad you were there to she-woman that snake. Feel better pretty lady!

  224. Riki-Tiki-Tavi would be proud. And I’d say not so much a Hitler snake, but more Eva Braun. And you know she was a bad-ass to be hanging out with the likes of him. You done good.

  225. Vitally exhausted bloggess rises, comatose, from couch, slays viper with bare hands, writes hilarious post about it. I feel inadequate . . . On the plus side, you’re feeling better!

  226. I’m not a herpetologist but I’m can herp derp with the best of them. Does that help?

    Glad you’re feeling better and still a badass.

  227. Technically the shovel killed the snake….you were just there when it happened.

  228. What kind of zombie snake requires being cut into FOUR pieces before dying?! You might want to give the head a “double tap” just in case. The world is now a safer place thanks to your shovel wielding ninja skills!

  229. When you taxidermize him (because I know you are thinking about it), keep him in his 5 separate pieces and turn him into a mobile. Over the toilet. Because, damn, that will make people shit.

  230. Sweet Jesus! I totally get where you’re coming from though…when we lived in TX I found a freaking anaconda in my spare room. After calling my husband at work and screaming about our intruder (He has the nerve to ask me what it looks like. It’s wearing a green shirt and brown pants. It’s a fucking snake!!!) he suggests calling the exterminator. He strolls in about 45 min later with a bucket and a grabbing device and was all “What’s the problem?” Um…there’s a huge snake in my house that is going to eat both me and my 8 lb dachshund, idiot! Why are you not wearing protectie gear? My home owners insurance doesn’t cover stupidity. Anyway, it was some small snake and dude was going to take it out to the fields and release it. Nope, I just paid you to murder that thing. I don’t want him telling all his snake friends to come back and finish the job. The guy looked at me like I had two heads but held my ground. Seriously. I hate snakes.

  231. I love how everyone is saying it’s not poisonous because of the pupils. I can’t imagine…

    You: “Hey, there’s a snake! is it poisonous?”
    Me: “Oh, wait. Let me get close to it so I can look it in the eye.”

    No. Just. No.

  234. Ok, I can’t look at the photos because I have snakeaphobia, but.. you’re the bravest person I know. I’d never have been able to face that fucker down with a shovel.
    Glad to know you’re feeling more like yourself.

  236. You’re a hero in my book either way. My hardline snake policy: “A good snake is a pulverized-beyond-recognition snake.”

  237. Kudos to you, oh slayer of Hitlersnake. The last time I encountered a snake it was a nearly 3 foot rattlesnake and it was just outside my kitchen door… I’m not afraid of much, but rattlers turn me into a quivering, paralyzed schoolgirl. So I called my dad of course. He was a long haul trucker at the time, so I wasn’t expecting him to be able to provide actual assistance, but he’s the first person I think of when it comes to killing venomous snakes. Instead of something coherent I babbled about the big fucking snake and how I wanted it DEAD NOW. He happened to be headed my way anyway (stupid rattler spoiling my dad’s surprise visit…) and he had a gun, so I decided to keep an eye on the cold-blooded wretch and wait for reinforcements. Turns out it’s easier to kill a snake with a shovel than a gun. Notice I said EASIER not easy. After it was good and dead I cut off its head with a sword and felt a bit more empowered than the scared little boy who ran to his phone and called Daddy, but still…

  241. No venom glands, has round eyes which usually indicates it wont kill you if it bites you. but that doesn’t mean it wont hurt like hell. he has that evil nazi look about him though, so good job killing what was most likely the reincarnation of hitler. or given the smile it could be carrot top in snake form. so in that case,good job! everyone knows carrot top needs to stfu.

  242. He is now a good snake….because in my book, the only good snake is a dead snake! See, Jenny, you are amazing. You even make the life of a snake more meaningful!

  243. One night, I heard a rattlesnake in the backyard rattling at my dog, Goldie. If that sound doesn’t make the hair stand up on your neck, nothing will. My BF was gone and I went out and killed the snake. Then I ran around the house like a WWF winner on steroids with my arms over my head, screaming YEAH YEAH, COME IN MY YARD, SNAKE! It was totally unlike me and I suspect was fueled by some sort of super anti-snake adrenaline.

  244. It doesn’t look poisonous but I’m no snake expert – how terrifying! But you are bad ass. I like to think I’m bad ass but then if a snake came at me I’d be running and screaming.

  245. it was a harmless rat snake… looks like a gray rat or a corn snake … poor little guy… they vibrate their tails and try to say they are badass guys and they aren’t they eat small rodents and frogs and lizards… not venomous at all so feel bad… feel very bad … 😀 I had one of these as a PET and you killed hitler… you asshole 😀 COME AT ME BRO! and i love snakes i have 4 as pets

  246. Um, any kind of snake is NOT OKAY. Move to Antarctica immediately because I’m pretty sure it’s too cold for snakes there.

    P.S. Keep feeling better! We love ya.

  248. It was on your property uninvited so it got what it deserved.

    Rest up dear. Exhaustion, depression and anxiety is a bad mix and then add in that stinking arthuritis crappy time for sure. Make some snow cones and watch all of the potter movies. Potterthon rules the day.

  249. I learned from the great Lewis Grizzard that all snakes are copper-headed water rattlers and not to be trusted. There may or may not be “good” snakes out there. I will never know because the only good snake I’ve ever seen is a dead snake. Don’t want to die, snake, then don’t show yourself to me.

  250. No idea what kind of snake but better safe than sorry, besides even after exhaustation you have more energy in reserves than me, I would have started screaming along with your friend.

  252. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU POST A TERRIFYING CLOSE UP OF A SNAKE’S HEAD?

    That is all.

  253. I would have killed it, no questions asked. I’m amazed at how quick you thought to grab a shovel. I would have danced around and screamed for about 5 minutes until thoughts of killing it entered my mind. By then it would have completely taken off and I would have regretted not killing it.

  254. Oh I missed you!!!! Glad you are back!!!

    V from London (actually from Venezuela originally!) (see? you are Global!)

    xoxox

  255. Thanks for not sharing the photos of the pieces. And P.S., I think the plural of snake should be snakeses (snakes-is).

  256. I have asked my husband, whose qualifications include a degree in biology and fairly extensive herp knowledge also, he just killed a prairie rattlesnake the other day with a shovel!! Anyways… He says he believes it to be a Coachwhip which is in a class of snakes known as “racers” so named because they are FAST. We have red racers out in my neck of the woods (New Mexico) as well as rattlesnakes and bull snakes among others. I also HATE snakes with a passion. So I say good job killing Hitler. You just became my heroine again. Keep on getting better!

  259. Ooooo, I KNOW, I KNOW! It’s a crawfish snake. We had one on our porch at our place off the bayou. I was big ole’ pregnant and my husband was gonna defend me and warn others. So he hacked it with his biggest sword and flung it into a tree, where it hung and withered and writhed. That night the coyotes came out like it was some awesome snake flavored piñata. They all took turns jumping up and pulling it down bit by bit, howling and carrying on. Learned I can’t sleep when I inadvertently host the most awesome coyote block party ever.

  261. Jenny,
    Maybe ,and I’m just thinking out loud here , seeing how you have all those taxidermy rodent’s and such posing around your place , ” Hitler ” aka that snake .might have thought you a veritable drive through. Just sayin….

  262. Oh wow that was scary. Thank you for killing Hitler, he’s really not a good guy and I’m sure would have run off with the cupcakes I’m secretly (well not really) lusting after. Feel better.

  263. That, my friend, is a legitimate snake. I am certain because I was a smug, dumb-ass Senator in a former life and I know shit like that. That snake wanted to be hacked into tiny pieces or its body would have repelled your shovel attack. Duh.

  264. Yikes! i would have just run away screaming, Jenny! My friend Dominique came home to a rattlesnake on her front porch, right by her front door once. Her husband killed the thing with a shovel. That seems like the appropriate weapon to me. They also live in Texas. I did too for a couple of years also.

    I am glad to hear that your days are getting a little better:) I’m thinking about you:) <3

  265. His expression is quite similar to Gary Oldman’s relieved smile after Wynona Ryder shoved a stake through his heart at the end of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. That’s when Vlad gets all good looking again and you’re like, “WTF? Where were those boyish good looks during the first 99% of the movie???” So although you may never know if the snake was venomous or not, you should feel confident knowing that at least you have RELEASED him from a lifetime of assholery. “Give me peace” was what he was really saying. And you did just that.

  266. Knock, Knock Motherfucker! You’re dead!

    You were already a godess. But snake killer, too? My hero.

  267. Snakes can be frightening because they’ve gotten a pretty bad rap throughout history and freaking out is a totally understandable reaction. But, snakes can do things like control rodent populations, so as an ecologist, I’d ask people to consider whether they might be able to allow snakes to go on about their day doing snake things (which generally includes avoiding people), particularly if they are non-venomous (like this one).

  268. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I take back my other comment.

    IT WAS AKIN IN DISGUISE, GOING FOR YOUR FRIEND’S VAGINA.

    Way to stand up for women everywhere. Good job.

  269. Ok, so the iris is round indicating not poisonous. However, if a snake is acting aggressive, I don’t normally try to get a close look at it’s eye. “Oh hi possible reincarnation of Hitler. Can I just gaze meaningfully into your soulless brown eyes while you try to attack me and turn me into one of your zombie minions?” Think not.

    PS Still prefer snakes to spiders. Snakes have the potential of personality. Spiders are just plain evil. 🙂

  270. If I ran into Hitler on a porch, I’d totally scream, too!

    Then my partner would have to channel you and be the bad ass that kills him, because I’m sure I’d still be screaming. She’ll be so glad to hear she needs to be more like the Bloggess.

  271. It’s harmless, not a pit viper, non-venomous; a good, rodent-eating snake. So now you can expect an infestation of rodents.

  272. Whoa, you are hardcore! I’ve always wanted to be more brave around snakes, but no matter I just looked at your photos and had a spazmodic shiver run down my spine as my arms jerked about. I can only imagine the greater spazmodic array of movement had I been the one to come across this fellow by surprise!
    I once had a snake run across my bare toes while exploring a cemetary, totally “Dear God, What the hell, creepy times two, or ten fold kind of experience!!!!”! …and you never forget!
    From here on, ‘mind your step’!

  273. I think the snake was probably named “Hissler”. You showed him who’s boss – way to go kicking his ass (even though snakes don’t have asses)!!!!

  275. That snake now lives on in infamy in a way that if he had just minded his own business and stuck to rodents, he never would have. Just knowing you makes people/snakes famous. Or infamous. Or maybe we actually have to attack you. Whatever.

  276. Glad to hear you ONLY have debilitating exhaustion. And proud if you, a stranger, for taking care of yourself.

    I don’t have snake killing powers. Only snake screaming. To bd clear, I scream, not the snake. I called pest control and he asked for the shape of the head, ummm snake shaped. Then if the eye pupils were vertical or horizontal. I’m calling you, dude, what makes you think I got close enough for a retinal scan? All of these are clues to poison or benign. I don’t care about the law and called a neighbor to kill that thing. He was pleased bc he’s extremely un handy and finally he got to put his testosterone to work!

  278. Take care of yourself. My mom has chronic fatigue syndrome despite having been a force of nature, and it is not a good time. Her and our couch are intimately aquainted. I hope you feel better soon.

  279. You have a shovel in your house? Damn woman, you are prepared for everything!
    On another note, glad you’re feeling better 🙂

  280. You know, I don’t mind snakes as long as I see them before they start acting like total assholes on my porch. So even though Hitler Von Snakeskins doesn’t appear to be a poisonous variety, he was being a complete asshole by terrorizing your friend and therefore, deserved to die in the most painful way possible.

  281. Not poisonous, you are safe! The person who posted earlier about the eye is correct, round eye non-venomous. But go Jenny with your mad ninja skills hacking that evil thing to bits! Woohooo! Just for that, I think you need to get Beyonce a brother, or a sister, or a best friends cousins uncles aunts former roommate! lol Welcome back You have been missed Jenny! You are an amazing lady, thank you for sharing the journey with us! I so freaking love you!

  282. While I’m not a herpetologist, I do play one on TV. Yeah, no, I don’t. However, I am so impressed with your bad-assery that I will skip right over the minor details of this snake’s capabilities. Thrilled to see you on the internets. Please don’t let this incident impede your revitalization because everyone loves you and wants you happy and healthy.

  283. I think you’re funny and everything. But I have ro admit I like people that kill creatures less than the ones that don’t as a general rule. Disappointed.

  284. I screamed just looking at the pic! Scary ass hitler of a snake for sure! Don’t feel sorry. Feel confident that you saved your friend from being scared to DEATH! You TOTALLY saved her life. I’m sure she is forever grateful too. ;0)

    Snakes may not have asses, but that doesn’t make you any less bad ass. You so rock! Even when you’re all… exhausted … and shit.

    Rest up chick. Take your time easin’ back into the lime light of bad ass book writter fame. We will be here.

  286. Even if it wasn’t venomous, I’m sure if it would have hit flesh while striking it would have hurt like a mother… I think if an asshole snake were attacking me… I’d chop it to bits as well.

  287. Glad your feeling better. Killing some thing when your down always lifts the soul. Things that could kill you if you let them, that is.

  289. Man, I don’t mind snakes… but that looks like on evil snake. Seriously.

    However, I married a man who hates them so much… but still, nobody hates them more than my father. He swore if I ever brought one home it would go down the garbage disposal, and I believe him. (He’s also the least violent person I’ve ever met)

    My mom tells us the story about when he had to go out for some work in the desert, and my mom was in the truck. They saw a snake, so my dad stopped. Cut off its head with a shovel, and then ran over it four or five times just to make sure it was dead.

    …really, I just like sharing that story.

    I am so unbelievably happy though that even with the exhaustion you can summon up the strength to murder evil snakes to save your friend. That’s the sort of energy you definitely want to be able to summon no matter what the occasion.

  290. You are my hero!

    For many reasons other than being the most awesome snake-killing queen. I deal with many of the same demons as you. I won’t say the exact same, because we’re all different. Every day is a struggle but every day I find one thing to make it worth it. Thanks for keeping me from feeling alone. Love you, kisses, mean it!

  291. Hmm, ya, what you’ve got there is the common suicide by shovel snake. they are known for their agressive posturing mostly on front porches without invitations with the intent of being chopped to bits by crazy yet funny bloggers. You’ve done well.

  292. I’m so happy you are back, you snake-butt kickin’ ninja!
    I believe that is a chicken snake on the hunt for Beyonce. Sagood thing you cut him off or Beyonce would have been a bulge in his tummy.

  293. Grats on being so brave, i would have screamed silly jumped on the couch and called my boyfriend to come klill it for me.

    Wether reincarnated-as-a-snake-hitler was venomous or not. I think it was a blessing in disguise. After being able to barely get out of the couch, its appereance made you realize that although your body says ” lay on the couch for the days on end” its actually lying because you have the energy both physically and mentally to do what needs doing when it needs doing.

    Also the rush of adrenaline was definetly a good feeling to have when being down.

  294. Betelgeuse sand snake. I’m sure of it. That’s what you get when you’re dead and you try to leave the house.

  295. Furniture may have a tough time being shocked, but I know for sure they can hold a grudge. I colored on the bottom of our coffee table when I was around 3 years old and it still occasionally jumps out and bites me on the shin almost 40 years later.

    And you should move to western Washington—there are NO venomous snakes or scorpions or any of that shit here!

  296. I have pet snakes and given this one has round eyes not cat like ones then you can fairly safely say its a faker and not venomous but my non venomous snake regularly pretends to be a rattle snake and its freak as you’d so as much as i love snakes better be safe than sorry i say, he had it coming and so could have been sent to lick you to death!

  297. So maybe not the forum to tell the story about the time our cornsnake escaped for 3 months and I discovered it half way up the stairs while carrying the baby?

    No?

    Does it help that the snake is called Sherlock?

    Didn’t think so.

    Still, very impressed at the friend defending, you are clearly one badass mumma bear when it comes to your nearest and dearest!!

  298. So glad that you are feeling better! I’ve been worried about you with your crazy book tour. I think that the person who scheduled all of this clearly has never read your blog! We all love you and want you to speak in our living rooms but we don’t want to hurt you so please remember when you “tour” for your next book — ONE NIGHT SKYPE TOUR! 🙂 Of course your future animal kick ass show might also have a demanding advertising schedule so you better rest up. If you were closer I’d bring you a smoothie. Those are good to eat lying down.

  299. In my book, the only “good” snake is a DEAD snake, venomous or non. Glad to hear your energy reserve is building.

  300. True story – when I first moved to Texas, my husband, our best man (he helped us move) and I were driving around to get an idea of where things were, and we saw some random guy shooting a snake in his front yard. Adam, our best man, really is a herpetologist, and he identified the snake for the guy with the gun. Looking back now, we really shouldn’t have stopped in the middle of nowhere and gotten out of the car in the vicinity of an armed man.

  301. So much hostility! Poor little fella never had a chance. He was prolly just a baby and wanted to be with someone. Then those giant shoes come thundering at him, and the death screams,…and then the sharp pain in the middle! Yes, the torture is almost over! Cut me again and get it over with! …Agh! (up to snake heaven where there’s lots of mice and no scary shovels) What, you think there’s no snakes in heaven?

  302. You have made me laugh but I never laugh at snakes or snake killing.

    I don’t care if it was a Disney snake it was striking and hissing and should be and must be killed. It was asking for it.

    Good job.

    Getting stronger. This is good. Back to warrior writing.

  303. Nice to be reading a post from you again. You’ve been missed. And not just for your snake killing skills.

  304. This is the second-best snake killing story I’ve read this week. First place: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/48764174/ns/world_news-south_and_central_asia/?__utma=14933801.1580456957.1344803399.1345684803.1345737345.26&__utmb=14933801.1.10.1345737345&__utmc=14933801&__utmx=-&__utmz=14933801.1345155476.10.2.utmcsr=facebook.com%7Cutmccn=(referral)%7Cutmcmd=referral%7Cutmcct=/l.php&__utmv=14933801.%7C8=Earned%20By=msnbc%7Ccover=1%5E12=Landing%20Content=Mixed=1%5E13=Landing%20Hostname=www.nbcnews.com=1%5E30=Visit%20Type%20to%20Content=Earned%20to%20Mixed=1&__utmk=178838180

    (I don’t know why I can’t get that to be a link rather than just a long string of letters and numbers. I’m obviously not tech-savvy. I’m barely tech literate. Anyway, it’s a story about a man in Nepal who decided to bite a snake to death after it bit him. Talk about feeling bitey…)

  305. I’m pretty sure that’s a non-venomous snake (am married to a former herpetologist who now studies beetle sex because a malfunctioning refrigeration unit killed all his salamanders – true story) and will thus refrain from telling this story to aforementioned former herpetologist husband as he will inevitably rail at me for 30 minutes about how misunderstood snakes are and blahblahblahsciencewordsblahblah before I can remind him that *I* didn’t kill the snake and that the snake in question was trespassing and possibly planning to mug your friend.

    In any case, glad you’re back.

  306. Coming from one of the few places in the world that is snake free can I just say eek!
    Any serpent beasty is evil and must be treated as such.

  308. You have a super power.

    Even when exhausted, you can still murder reincarnated Hitlers and/or smug assholes.

    Jesus has NOTHING on you!

  309. Once upon a time, I used to work at a car-rental company in a very small airport in northern Idaho. It gets miserably fucking hot in the summer & I was not too excited at the prospect of cleaning a bunch of cars during my shift. Then came the best news ever – for someone who was already securely inside . . . . there was a rattlesnake on the loose. Fuck yeah! Guess I’m not cleaning cars tonight, huh? I settled in for a comfy, air-conditioned evening of web surfing when I heard the type of commotion that could only make you think, “Holy shit, that bitch Chicken Little was right! The motherfucking sky is falling!!” I looked out the window & there was a UPS guy with his truck parked like he was in the SWAT team, brandishing a shovel at the snake – who I was pretty fond of at this point. I was at once amused, impressed & disgusted. Amused at the sight of this UPS man dressed in head-to-toe brown more than slightly resembling a turd wielding a shovel like a ninja in a completely non-ironic manner. Impressed that, since it was summer, the turd was in shorts & still felt like he could take on a rattle snake. And disgusted, because there went my perfectly awesome reason for not cleaning any cars in the godforsaken 110-degree weather. I’m not going to say thanks, UPS man, I’m just not & we both know why.

  310. It was a penguin in disguise!!

    I like snakes so I do feel sorry for the little guy, but that’s what happens if you stray into other’s territory!
    If you go walking in the woods, you have to watch out not to step on snakes; if snakes come onto people’s porches, they have to watch out for Jenny Lawson 🙂

  312. I don’t care if all he wanted to do was cuddle. He was a snake. On your porch. That’s trespassing. He deserved what he got.

  313. That is one shifty eyed lookin snake. Regardless of its taxonomy, it was on your turf threatening your guest and you would be a bad hostess if you didn’t render it incapable of, well, anything. An excellent job well done! Kudos to you my dear.

  314. it was a legitimate, non-venimous snake. Emily is right though, it should have repelled your shovel.

    though non-venimous it would have probably bit you, but if you went inside, it would have slithered away and eaten mice, and been a productive citizen of your garden 🙂 But snakes do scare some people!

  315. I think the snake was looking smug in that last photo because he scored so many karma points by sacrificing his life to give you some snake-driven energy. He knew that the needs of the many (us) outweigh the means of the one (him), or some pseudo-Spockian shit like that, and we needed our Jenny back!

    Well played, little snake. Well played. May you come back as a taxidermied weasel in your next life.

  316. Double fake. Mass murderer snake masquerading as a harmless bull snake masquerading as a venomous snake. And by “mass murderer” I mean he probably would be if he had fangs. Or poison. Or guns. And if he weren’t a peaceful reincarnation of Mother Theresa who happened to be practicing his opera singing when your friend happened upon him.

    Did you know Mother Theresa was an opera singer too?

    Anyway. It seems to be the season of snakes. If you click through on my latest blog post about what I found in the henhouse, you’ll find out it was a snake. And you’ll see a totally badass picture of me holding the snake. Whoops. Spoiler alert. Too late. Sorry.

  318. “… on the front porch hissing and striking at her aggressively.

    Yeah. It was Hitler.

    Seriously, any snake that comes on to your property and starts to strike at you — deserves to die. No fretting on whether or not it is poisonous.

  320. You rock. I hope your rest helps you. You are brilliant and funny and bring joy into the lives of thousands of people. I’m sorry the cost to you is so terribly high, but remember when you are miserable that the world is much more amazing because of you.

    Also good job on killing the snake.

  321. Oh dear… I don’t know how y’all do it in Texas but I would just pack your bags and move out. Snakes suck. I also heard that they steal your soul as you sleep… that’s something to take into consideration.

  322. Snakes are very crafty and sly. I had a rattler crawling around my front yard one day and instead of grabbing a shovel (I didn’t want to get that close) I got the .22 pistol and shot him in the ass. Must have hit him because he shot straight forward all tensed up and rigid. Then he had the nerve to slither under the propane tank and just dare me to shoot again. He wanted me to blow myself up, but I didn’t fall for it. I got in my car and left. True story. Get well, Jenny, and you did good!

  323. It breaks my scaly-lovin’ heart to see so many “KILL ALL TEH SNAKZ” responses. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, but for the sake of the snakes:

    Lots of snakes eat rodents. People often dislike rodents. Rodents carry diseases people can catch. Ergo, people should at least be grateful to snakes. Some non-venomous snakes eat venomous snakes. So that’s cool, too.

    Not all venomous snakes have cat-like pupils (coral snakes, for example, have round pupils). Venomous snakes can dilate their pupils, too, so that they look round in certain conditions. And this is not useful when dealing with a live snake – if you’re close enough to see its pupils, chances are you’re close enough to be bitten (unless you have binoculars or a zoomy camera). Some non-venomous snakes (such as water snakes) will also flare their head out to look like a venomous snake. They may also “rattle” their rattle-less tail, and hognose snakes can flare their neck out, freaking people out that they found a seriously-wayward cobra in their yard. You’re best bet is to know your local snakes.

    Finally,
    “With medical attention, it is incredibly rare for a healthy human to die of a venomous snake bite. You have a better chance of getting struck by lightning. On top of this, snakes are capable of inflicting what is referred to as a “dry bite” meaning that they bite but do not inject any of their venom. A snake would much rather save it’s venom for a meal than waste it on some human assailant.”
    http://voices.yahoo.com/why-shouldnt-afraid-snakes-6940050.html
    http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/gaston/Pests/reptiles/snakefaq.htm
    http://www2.starexponent.com/news/2009/may/01/dont_be_so_quick_to_kill_that_snake_chances_are_it-ar-336577/
    http://www2.starexponent.com/news/2009/may/01/dont_be_so_quick_to_kill_that_snake_chances_are_it-ar-336577/

  325. Not a viper, so not poisonous.

    I know you don’t want to hear this, but those snakes are super-handy to have around. They kill vermin, like rats. It could have given you a bite, but not even a really bad one.

    I like snakes, so I’ve become a sort of local snake shoo-er. Most are pretty happy to leave your porch. It’s not a good place for them. A flat rock in a sunny place out in the yard is much better.

    I guess the silver lining is that it got you off the couch!

  326. My sister who has a pet sitting business walked into her clients home to find five dead snakes killed by the cats. She thought the first one was a rubber toy until she picked it up. No idea if any of them were Hitler. Honestly after that and reading this today I fairly certain Voldemort is attacking.

  327. I like snakes as pets, but when one is trying to come in from the wild and invade your home (through your front door — not even trying to be sneaky about it!), then clearly that snake is Hitler reincarnated and deserves death by shovel. As a Whovian, you should follow the Doctor’s instructions and “put Hitler in the cupboard” to make sure the threat is fully neutralized.

    Or just as a surprise for Victor the next time he opens the cupboard and meets Hitler.

  329. We assume that the snake was identified much, much earlier in comments.

    So we will only make this one point.

    12-gauge shotguns are the best asshole-snake-destroying devices on the planet.

    Sure, they are a bit hard on the front porch and walls, but they kill snakes dead.

    Shotguns also wipe the smug right off their asshole snake faces.

    Enjoy your recharging. And snake killing.

  330. Ew. Not into snakes. I am really impressed with your cat-like reflexes with the shovel though! I don’t think his brothers/sisters will be coming around anytime soon.

  332. She was really cute; however, you are totally badass and I thank you for killing smug, reincarnated Hitler.

  334. My dad, who is a pretty awesome herpetologist, says this: It looks like a juvenile coachwhip (Masticophis flagellum), but depending on where in Texas it was it could be some other kind of snake from that family. It’s non-venomous no matter what it is. I’m about 97% sure it’s a coachwhip.

    I didn’t even ask him about venom.

  336. It’s just a rat snake. Nothing more. They eat bird eggs and rodents and are often kept as pets. Many snakes mock dangerous snakes and fake-rattle their tails and hiss. This is because they are afraid and want to scare you away long enough for them to run off.

  338. am I the only one feeling sorry for the poor ‘nake? The death photo makes it look as if it was only smiling at you two even though you were screaming like girls…

  339. Texas rat snake, perhaps; they are the assholiest of non-venomous snakes, and definitely deserve whatever killing comes their way.

  340. It’s a rat snake. Not venomous, but tending toward assholishness, and usually channeling Hitler and and the Ayatollah. I say, “Good job, Snake-Ninja.”

    Now rest well, princess. We love you dearly.

  341. Good job getting the snake! I hope you didn’t set yourself back in exhaustion recovery by using up all that fierce snake killing energy. Hope you feel back to your normal self soon.

  342. I have to admit my reaction to it would have been “Oh, how adorable!” and I would have tried to capture it and make it a pet. Since I concur with others that it’s a harmless Texas brown snake, I would have been cuddling Hitler, so it’s a good thing you were there to save me.

  343. According to my father, an extremely well-published herpetologist of 55 years (professor emeritus at TCU; Texas represent!), it appears to be a Western Coachwhip (Masticophis flagellum). The adults usually run about five feet so it was probably a youngish one.
    If it makes you feel better, I grew up with eleventy billion snakes in our house (my baby book is basically me with different snakes around my neck, in the bathtub with a baby alligator, etc) and I would still likely freak out and be startled if I opened my door to one.

  344. Texas Brown Snake. He read what you posted about his state the other day and was PISSED. And, possibly, he didn’t like the nude pictures of his cross-species girlfriend from Flatonia that you shared. Good thing you got him first.

  345. Awesome snake chopping skills!! And I thought my husband was the only one that did that when he is being attacked a snake. He even has a special snake chopping implement hanging on a hook in the garage 🙂

  346. It looks like a juvenile coachwhip (could be a brown, but hard to see pattern along back). Personally, I hate killing any snakes, but I understand, especially with children (though from what you’ve written before, your area is full of diffferent and more dealdly snakes). Coachwhips are very fast, but not deadly. Wouldn’t be surprised if more are around. I take it Hawaii doesn’t have many snakes (although some have been introduced). Bet the news of spiders with claws (Oregon), flesh-eating crickets (S. Amer), and jumping cockroaches didn’t brighten your day.

  347. @Tasha,

    Any snake big enough to carry a baby up a flight of stairs has got it coming. Just saying.

    Kudos to Jenny, who totally took out NeoCarnated!Hitler. Also, kudos for thoroughness. As I always say when I see a film character hit an enemy once and then drop his weapon and turn his back on said enemy in order to Comfort the Heroine and Have a Moment, “YOU’RE NOT DONE.” Not done until that enemy is in several pieces, EACH of which is dead.

    While it’s interesting that there are “harmless” snakes that pretend to be dangerous, it’s sort of ironic that, as of ten thousand or so years ago, that survival strategy has become, shall we say, inoperative, now that there are tool-using animals highly motivated to protect their kin-group from, among other things, venomous and aggressive wild animals.

    In conclusion, good on you, kids stay in school, and buy bonds.

  348. I’m glad you are back! Take it easy, dear snake killer!

    I did Google the Mongolian Death Worm, which resembles an inflamed cow intestine, and also found the unfortunately named Bobbit Worm. I’m glad neither of those turned up on your doorstep.

  350. Well, I’d say that you could probably successfully invoke the “Stand Your Ground” law since the snake was acting aggressively toward your guest on your own front porch. I mean, for all you knew, he was venomous and you just can’t let a potentially venomous snake mosey up onto your private property and be all hissy and strikey… because then they just move right on in and take over the whole neighborhood… *grin (I am being silly here, don’t want someone to get all uppity and think I’m being serious)

    That being said, I don’t see huge fangs in the head shot… but you had no way of determining that in the heat of the moment so I think your slice and dice was justified… especially with the hissy/strikey thing.

    Better safe than sorry and I hope you are more vital and less exhausted soon.

  352. I don’t know what kind of snake that is, but I used to date a guy named Snake. (Seriously, he had his name legally changed to Snake). When I introduced him to my grandmother, she called him herpes. Completely innocently, mind you, however everyone found it hilarious and Snake found it bewildering. True story.

  353. Hitler died and came back as a non-venomous snake. You killed non-venomous Hitler Snake. If you keep it up, Hitler will eventually come back as a fluffy bunny.

    P.S. Totally commented this on the wrong post…

  354. You are fucking awesome, Jenny. You’re the only potentially depressed, certainly exhausted person I don’t really know who would jump up to kill a snake in said state.

  355. First of all, holy shit that’s a lot of comments to go through to get here! Second, THANK YOU FOR KILLING HITLER! Do we really want a Snake trying to take over the world and kill all that are not like him? Meaning everything but snakes?! He was clearly starting with your friend! And third, I’m so glad you’re doing better. And I’m glad your couch is there for support. Both physically and mentally.

  356. Holy shit balls. I’m going to have nightmares tonight! I totally wouldn’t have had the gut to do what you did. You are my snake killing hero!

  358. Hi Jen… after doing some extensive sourcing, i think it is safe to conclude that you are dealing with a Northern Brown Snake. They are harmless. You need not pack up and run for the hills.

  359. I am not a snake expert, I’ve only seen a few, it looks pretty fierce and you should have taken it out or your friend would have been toast. That’s just my opinion. I’m glad your back, sort of, and didn’t take a month off. Take care, and keep that snake fighting spirt.

  360. For some reason it said it couldn’t link my blog, so yea I’m commenting again. Thanks for the whole killing hitler thing.

  361. Okay, am I the only one who thinks the word “herpetologist” is funny?

    With that out of the way – you were protecting a friend from a possibly dangerous snake, so I think you were in the right here.

    Glad to hear you’re back upright; hopefully the snake ninja-ing won’t take a toll.

  362. Beats my ” I got locked in a bathroom with a pissed off, wild racoon because my cousin doesn’t love me” story. Wtg Jenny!

  363. I would have peed, screamed, and passed out. So good job! I have to ask…..you went INSIDE to get the shovel? Why was the shovel inside???

    I feel guilty. I was at the signing in Minneapolis…..I kept hoping you would come to us and you DID….and It contributed to your exhaustion :(….

  365. I agree, herpetologist sounds a little shifty .. And I agree with the person who thinks it is a “Dick Snake” as, yeah, the DICK was on your front steps. I find it rather amazing you not only chopped it in half but a few more times for good measure.

    I would have been too busy hyperventilating in the front hall.

    Hoping you are feeling better soon. I love the recommendation of your doc. Wise advice.

  366. It looks like a ground rattler and from what you said about its behavior, that’s most likely what is was. They are poisonous and aggressive. They shake their tails to mimic a rattlesnake because they want to be so badass. My grandfather had one try to run up his leg one time. I had one get in my house. Glad you dispatched it into its next lifetime where hopefully it will reincarnate as a gila monster, a much nicer creature.

  367. Well if you didn’t want to quarter a snake on your porch, you shouldn’t have cut him in fourths.
    Seriously, it’s not a snake at all. I think it’s a puppy. Good job! Puppy killer.

  369. Holy shit Jenny! Did you wash and was that snake after you killed it? Because in the before photo it looks fairly dull, and it’s not the fuzzyness. The after photo looks so shiny! Tell me what you used so I can use it on any snakes I may kill in the future.

  371. That’s Charlie the snake. He’s worse than reincarnated Hitler even. He flies and pukes more snakes. Plus he kills you but then brings you back to life just so he can kill you again. I hate that guy.

    It takes a special kind of awesome to kill Charlie.

  372. Doesn’t look venomous, but non-venomous doesn’t always mean “harmless.”

    It definitely would have grown up to become a basilisk. Great job at being proactive and wiping it out before it hitched a ride across the pond and set up shop in the Hogwarts plumbing.

  374. Thank you for killing Hitler.

    Also, I just said, “OMG! My friend killed a SNAKE on her PORCH. I hate Texas. I’m moving back to San Diego!” and then I realized I called you friend. 🙂 Aw.

    Also, I made a deal with a Texas friend to kill all her scorpions and she kills my spiders. It’s a good relationship. You need to find one of these mutually beneficial relationships.

  375. look at that smartass snake. he’s even mocking you dead….he’s like “oh you just think you killed me, but we both know i’ll be coming back IN YOUR DREAMS ” *cue evil snake laughter* but you know the truth…that snake will not be attacking any exhausted unsuspecting writers any time soon. or ever. job well done.

  377. “Hiss, hiss, motherfucker!”

    Seriously, I would’ve been pissing myself and screaming. I found a dead pigeon in my yard and had to get a neighbour to shovel it into a garbage bag for me. GO YOU!

  379. My husband thought I was speaking euphemistically when I told him “she had a Texas Brown Snake on her front porch.”

    BTW, Glad you are resting up!

  380. So someone said it was a Rat Snake? Well, now it looks more like a very fine belt. You are a ninja among snake killers. Or some such thing. Or other. What?

  382. Yowza! Glad to see that you’re getting back in the game (in a big way if you count your heroic snake disbursement)!

  383. You are telling this story to a woman who once saw a BIG (and by BIG I mean GIGANTIC) black snake in her backyard, while she was push-mowing her grass. Do you know what this lady did? Instead of running over it with the lawnmower and hacking it into a billion pieces, I let go of the mower, took several SLOW steps backward, and then ran like a crazy woman to my back door. Because you see, the snake might not have been hacked to death by the mower, or worse yet, it might have been, and the head might have come flying at me with fangs aimed for my face. So I just faked it out so it wouldn’t realize I was there until I was too many steps away for it to chase and catch me.

    You are my hero. Never forget it. 🙂

  384. I second the opinion of the people on here who are all “how in f*cknation are we supposed to get close enough to decide if they have round or slitty eyes without getting our faces bit off and all venom-ized”. I say shovel first, question later. I don’t think anyone wants their last thought on this earth to be “well I guess that’s what a slitty-eyed snake looks like…”

    And I don’t have brutal exhaustion but I have a very bad case of the “why the hell is everyone so mean”. My mailman flipped me off today for driving too slow. My mailman. That’s like Mother Theresa rising from the dead to stomp on my ovaries. I’m collecting dead cicadas so I can dress them up in tiny mailman costumes and hang them from the mailbox. Knock-knock mother-f*cker.

  385. I thought the round eye / pointy eye thing wasn’t true? Some poisonous have round eyes.

  386. poisonous nonpoisonous doesn’t matter. What matters right now is that there is sufficient evidence to support that your house hold now needs a mongoose to keep everyone safe!

  387. My husband took one look and said “That’s a Mamba and it will kill your ass.” He’s not a biologist or anything but he is an avid outdoorsman. Either way, I’m glad you killed it. You GO Girl!

  388. I should further defend my mongoose theory. Unlike where I live in New Hampshire where we only have one poisonous snake the timber rattler (which no one ever sees) you have TONS of poisonous pissed off asshole snakes. Thus every household should have a mongoose in Texas for safety sake. You never know which kind of snake is going ambush people coming in and out of the house and if there will be a shovel nearby! Good job saving your friend it was the right thing to do unless Steve Irwin was there (if he were alive) and I would say run while he tries to pick the damn thing up……

  390. Snakeskin ballet flats sound like the most excellent idea I’ve herd all day, and kudos to you for taking a picture of it while there was panic going on!