As many of you were watching, my auction for the “Possibly haunted robot that might eat you in your sleep” ended last night. Shockingly 30+ people bid on it and it went for $75 more than I paid for it, which means that I’ll be sending my local no-kill shelter some cash because that’ll make me feel slightly less guilty when the guy who bought it has his face eaten off by a possibly-possessed broken robot during the night.
There were, however, some complications after the auction closed that caused it to be pulled off ebay forever.
Email from Ebay:
Date: May 11, 2013, 4:36:12 AM CDT
Subject: MC018 Listing policy violation alert: (775046645)MC018 Listing policy violation alert: (775046645)
You recently listed the following:
261210867986 – Possibly haunted robot might eat you in your sleep.We removed these listings because you’ve had too many duplicate
auction-style listings that didn’t end in a sale. The items we removed
are duplicates of other auction-style listings that are currently active
on your eBay account.
And they’re right because do you know how many auctions I’ve completed for possibly haunted robots that might eat you in your sleep? ALMOST ONE. I say “almost” because the only one I’ve ever done was removed. Seriously, it would be impossible have any less auctions for a one-of-a-kind (thank Christ) possibly demonic broken robot.
So Victor called Ebay and was like “What the shit, Ebay?” (I’m paraphrasing) And they said they’d made a horrible mistake and it was all good until they clarified that they were only mistaken about the exact ways in which I had violated the system.
Second letter from ebay:
Date: May 11, 2013, 8:49:26 AM CDT
Subject: MC018 Listing policy violation alert SR# 1-8650326259You recently listed the following:
261210867986 – Possibly haunted robot might eat you in your sleep.
We removed this listing because it violates our policy under Undermining Trust in the Marketplace.
The listing page serves as the main source of information for buyers, helping them decide what to buy and what to expect when they get an item. As such, the page should only be used to describe the item for sale and to professionally communicate seller terms. Sellers can’t include negative statements or comments that undermine trust or confidence in the Marketplace.The overall policy is intended to help sellers both set and meet buyer expectations in the Marketplace. Some of the most basic things a seller can do is provide accurate and consistent details about the item and to be clear and specific about the terms and conditions of the sale.
In other words, “Stop being so creative, asshole. People might actually think you have a cat-eating robot with children’s souls trapped in it. Because people are stupid and we have to protect them from themselves. Apparently.” Or at least, that’s my interpretation.
Luckily, an awesome guy named Alex won before the auction was pulled and he’s already contacted me so everyone wins. Except the soon-to-be-eaten-cats in Alex’s neighborhood. Those cats are fucked. Plus, I now have a brand new idea for a t-shirt.
I plan on selling one on ebay. Described accurately. Under the title “Actively Undermining the Marketplace.” Because I have problems and I can’t help myself.
I apologize in advance, ebay.